An exclusive interview with Mel Sprite Bsc Hons - Part 1

It is over 10 years since the last interview Melanie Sprite gave, which was shown live on channel 4 in the UK. Despite the constant clamour from the public to know more about this extraordinary person, Mel has shunned the spotlight preferring to live a quiet life on her country estate in the middle of a magical forest in Ulpster. Now we are truly privileged to bring a rare, new interview with the world renowned naturalist, Mel Sprite exclusive to our readers. Here is part one of our interview.

Churnal: What has made you decide to come back into the public eye after such a long time away?

Mel: Well, when I was a eager student in me younger days, I was intent on becoming the worlds leading authority in tardigrades. They are those little bloody animals that live in moss and in between grains of sand ye knaa? Anyway, I had this dream of discovering a new one which would be resistant to all forms of disease and which I planned to cross breed with higher forms of life such as woodlice from the group Isopoda and ultimately with mankind, ye knaa and cure diseases and that.

Churnal: I see, er did you make any progress in this noble aim?

Mel: Sorry ah just realised I didn't answer your question. Eee sorry about that, ah'd say purple like heather in summer is me favorite colour man hinny.

Churnal: I see thank you. Can you continue telling us about tardigrades?

Mel: No a divvent think theres much more yardage in that suffice to say that it didn't work out in the end man, most of the subjects that ah cross-bred died within a couple of hours. I decided to abandon that research and focus on the oriditus alpinus beetle which I'm sure you've heard of. I discovered the oriditus alpinus beetle in a loch in Caithness. I was diving down to a depth of about 40m doing a routine hunt for fauna and using all the skills I learned at Thurso sub aqua, when I first saw it. I instantly recognised that it must be new to science, as it loomed up through the muddy, murky water towards me. You see beetles known before then had neva been discovad at such great depths cos they need ta breath just like you or I man. Also its geet like massive? Its like a yard in length, with jaws like pincers that can cut through butter when its hard like straight out the fridge, not when its melted a bit.

Churnal: Gosh what happened then?

Mel: Nothin much really, ah fought with it until ah was almost out of air. It was trying to bite the air tubes connecting my mouth to the scuba equipment and almost succeeded except that ah managed to grab hold of its jaws with my hands and force it to keep its mandibles open. In the struggle ah dropped me flashlight and had to continue grappling this murderous beast in the pitch black murky scottish waters. It was using all six of its legs to kick me, as we all know, the legs of insects and myriapods are uniramous. Of course the mesofemur is the femur of the second pair of legs, and the protarsus is the tarsus of the first pair of legs.

Churnal: Well we know that you survived because you are here today...

Mel:No it got me good and proper like, eventually ah think it came down to who had the greater will to survive me or it. The oriditus alpinus eventually became weakened and ah was able to grip it tight to me body in a bear hug and kick me way back to the surface. The only problem was in the dark ah didn't know which way was up, it was quite a predicament. But ah found me way in the end, cos am here now aren't ah?

Churnal: Yes indeed you are

Mel:Why aye. And that was how a made me name. After that it was easy to get sponsorship for further expeditions into the lochs of the Caithness flow country. You wouldn't believe some of the hazards ah had to face from water scorpions and carnivorous plants that actually eat flesh. They live in the bottomless sphagnum bogs up near ie hill fort. But thats another story for another day.

Churnal: Thank you

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers, I'm back with some more travel tales that'll blow your mind and turn you green with envy. I would have written a column before now but around a month ago I caught a nasty tropical bug whilst out exploring. A week after my trip to the supermarket I was still buzzing and eager to add more stickers to my travel map. The only thing for it was to plan an even more daring expedition into the very heart of the urban jungle... the town centre! Days of preparation ensued and eventually I was ready to go. I had my maroon cagoule, my lime bum-bag and my hi-tec silver shadow hiking boots. I even ate an aspirin before I left, just in case I came across any malaria ridden midges.

The trip into town went very well. My only concern had been which way to go at the bottom of my street. I knew that I had to turn either left or right, but which way was it? My entire adventure depended on this decision. Against all the odds I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow explorer who could help me with my predicament. Some confusion arose when it transpired that the right direction was left. I thought that the right way would always be right but incredibly it seems not to be the case. After rephrasing the directions a few times the nice gentleman eventually took me by the shoulders, turned me round and with a gentle shove I was on my way.

It wasn't long before the first shops came into view and minutes of trekking later I arrived at the legendary pedestrianised precinct. My heart was pounding so hard with all the excitement that I honestly thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I think the only thing that stopped it from doing so was the dawning realisation that I really needed a number 2.

The excitement quickly turned to blind panic so I did what I always do in these situations and phoned my wife Maria. As usual she was fantastic and thanks to her calmly given directions I was at a public toilet in no time. I don't need to go into details regarding my sending of brown trout back to the sea but when I was finished things took a turn for the worse.

I couldn't leave the toilet and felt dizzy any time I even thought about leaving. My first thoughts were that I'd caught something nasty from the toilet seat so I called Maria again. She was there in five minutes to take me home and when we got back she put me to bed where I remained for close to a month.

The doctor diagnosed the bug as agoraphobia so it seems that it was a toilet spider biting me that caused my illness. I'm just glad I took that aspirin before I left or it could have been fatal. The good news is that I'm all better now and back adventuring so check back soon for tales of my trips to ever more exotic locations.

Ade x

Jade our first fan?

We at ie ulpster churnal prefer to report on the news as it happens out there in the real world rather than have the news happening to us. But recently this cosy understanding has been turned on its head as we have been targeted by the attentions of ex uk big brother contestant Jade.

Some of our more observant readers may have noticed comments sprinkled around our blog left by this very same Jade, and on the surface many of these comments are seemingly quite flattering or at least encouraging, however this is only part of the story.

Previously a dental nurse, Jade came to public attention in 2002 when she was a contestant in the third series of Big Brother. Since then, Jade appears almost constantly in celebrity, trivia, and gossip-oriented magazines such as heat and OK! magazine.

But there is another side to this minor celebrity, a side which until now has escaped the public eye. Our suspicions were first aroused when comments from Jade, which we quickly deleted, appeared on this very churnal. These comments provided hyperlinks to websites offering services such as increasing the size of your binjey using herbal products or obtaining fake university diplomas.

Alarmed by this turn of events we hired a top private investigator and IT security analyst, Maria Carnivore Montangne to find out more. What our investigator found went further than we feared even in our wildest nightmares. Maria explains, "I suspected that this could be an example of phishing on the internet, I innocently followed some of these links and quickly found that I was required to key my credit card details. Imagine my surprise when my binjey subsequently remained as it always was"

What happens next sounds unbelievable but is actually true. We found that the comments left by Jade also installed software in the computer after you had read them (a bit like when you play a Sony CD on your computer) This software installed components allowing Jade to monitor our bank accounts, transferring money into her own account and even giving her the ability to watch our every move as we cooked, ate and slept, via our webcams which now had backdoor access granted exclusively to her.

Using the very latest version of HTML technology, XML. Jade was able to push this even further and actually create an interface to her own mind and plug herself directly into the internet, causing the whole internet to become concious. In this way she has gained control over one and all of us, this includes the leaders of countries such as Korea and the USA the results are terrifying indeed.

However please do not be unduly alarmed, Maria Carnivore Montange has this advice. "To get rid of this software installed by Jade, simply ensure that your anti-virus software is up top date and give your computer a good reboot, Adios and remember surf save ;-)

Jade is out there. Be warned.

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,
I have been struggling to find someone qualified to answer a question that has been tormenting me for years. I believe finally my quest is at an end and you are that person. I would be extremely grateful for an answer.
Yours, Essie Kye

Thank you for your letter Essie, the answer you seek is 42. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

As a postman wannabe I usually pay close attention to people's letterboxes. I thought I'd seen it all but today takes the biscuit. The letterbox at this one house I saw had a sign saying, 'no circulars'! When I looked closely at the letterbox, it was a standard rectangular shape! I had to laugh, I mean duh talk about stating the obvious.

Yours Aaron Hulk, the incredible

Well I have to agree with you Aaron but, and this is a big butt, you should be aware that the new european standard shape for a circle is actually a rectangle. - Baeky.

Dear Baeky,

My real problem is an allergy to brocolli, what should I do? It makes my skin go green and my trousers get ripped and torn.

Yours Aaron the impaler

Try coating them in something to disguise them, you could for instance coat them in breadcrumbs or a banana skin - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I know this may sound like the ravings of a paranoid lunatic. I am a law abiding citizen but constantly live in fear of the law. They are after me I tell you, I see signs everywhere saying I will be prosecuted. What am I supposed to have done? Why must I live in fear? Please help.

Yours Bill Poster

Bill, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've been growing an amber crystal on my arm for several days now. Shall I eat it?

Naomi

Naomi, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Gus' Cookery Tips

You know when you've been drinking slightly beer-heavy shandies all evening and suddenly you go into munchie overdrive?

Chortle... Snort.... HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oops, the ed told me to cut out the rhetorical question stuff after the last entry. Snigger... I just couldn't help myself. Heh, heh.

Okay, deep breaths, compose yourself Gus. Right, as I was saying, these late night munchie sessions can be a haven for creative culinary discoveries and I'm going to share with you some of my finest moments.

First off, to set the scene for taste sensation number one, I love biscuits. When I was a young lad and my mum went out I'd be straight in about the food cupboard. A biscuit eating frenzy would ensue until the the whole packet was finished. I'd have to go out to buy a new packet and then eat one biscuit from it. That way I could tell my mum that I'd had a biscuit while she was out. Anyway, on with the recipes...

Taste sensation number one....

Get yourself one glass of strawberry flavoured milk. I use a powder that has a cartoon rabbit on the box because I like to imagine I'm drinking rabbits. Next get yourself some cream crackers and dunk them into the pink milk. Devour the dunked cracker and like magic your mouth is filled with the flavour of those pink wafer biscuits from your childhood.

Taste sensation number two...

For this you will need some cheddar cheese, a bowl and a microwave. I call it a cheese crunch. Grate or crumble enough cheese to cover the bottom of the bowl well. Stick it into the microwave on high for a couple of minutes till it goes hard and crunchy with just a touch of chewiness in the middle. Scoff it down as is and you won't be disappointed though personally I like a wee dab of mustard on mine.

Finally, taste sensation number three...

Get yourself a packet of Super Noodles. Before you open it break it up a little bit, I tend to aim for between 8 & 12 pieces. Next get the flavour sachet. Open it and the noodles packet, pour exactly one third of the flavouring into the noodles. Hold the noodle packet closed and shake vigorously for a minute or so. Now eat the noodles as if they were a packet of crisps... Scrumptious!

Till next time readers... munch on!

Advanced Physics with Morna

Welcome back, it's lovely to see you all again. This week we will be discussing 'chaos theory'. It is an advanced topic but once again I'll be teaching it in a way that even the thickos will be able to grasp.

Chaos theory can be used to mathematically describe many seemingly random events such as weather patterns, plate tectonics, population growth and butterfly induced hurricanes. Yes, you read that right, hurricanes are generally started by a rare brazillian butterfly commonly known as the 'Lorenz Butterfly'. Though seldom seen in the wild they have been extensively modelled using supercomputers. If they get angered by say, some of their rain forest getting chopped down then one beat of their wings can set about a chain of events that culminates in a devastating hurricane.

But that is the abstract. Here is the science, pay attention girls. When you are out shopping at say, Monsoon, and you find a fabulous top reduced to £3.99 in the sale. It may seem like an amazing bargain but you never factored in chaos theory did you? After the buzz of the purchase has subsided and your heart has slowed back down to it's base level again, you start thinking, "hmm I don't have a skirt to go with this". One skirt later and your thinking, "I don't really have shoes to go with this outfit". A chain of events is set in motion which predictably ends in a whole new outfit complete with matching accessories. Suddenly you've spent £76 and all because of that £3.99 bargain.

And that darlings, is chaos theory in a nutshell. A random event in finding a sale item, the chain of other apparently random purchases and the complete outfit materialising from that random chaos. I have to say I just adore chaos theory.

This lesson takes you to roughly the start of your honours year. Next week I have a special surprise for you. To take you through your honours year and beyond I am delighted to announce that Dr Physics himself, our very own science expert Nat will be taking the lesson. Hurry back now, I know Nat is almost wetting himself with anticipation. Mmmmmwah.

Strange Sightings over Ulpster

For as long as any of the local residents can remember there have been long instances of weird lights appearing at indeterminate times over the skies of Ulpster.

One resident, teacher Mrs M. Sprite (62) was able to confirm these reports first hand saying, "Many of us believe they are extra terrestrial, and just hope that they are not part of a vast invasion fleet as there are literally hundreds of sightings. Others suggest that they are part of Government secret experiments, while a tiny minority think they are a natural phenomenon ... hah!"

When asked how often they appeared, Mrs Sprite said, "Every day! - and more and more frequently. I've been keeping a log and in June they hardly appeared at all, and then only very late at night. At the moment they are there more often than not, sometimes appearing as early as late afternoon and not vanishing until 7am. It's very worrying, it's as if they are getting closer!"

Mrs Sprite became very animated, saying, "Very infrequently you will see a light travel across the sky at breakneck speed before disappearing, but usually they just sit there, the intensity of the light often subtly fluctuating, I think the scientific term is twinkling."

Our own scientific team of Ade (Astrophysicist), and Nat (Star Wars aficionado) concur. "This does not sound natural at all", they agreed.


Artists impression of light phenomenon.