Splat champions interviewed

The churnal has delved deep the clique underworld of Splat, a game which originated on the sinclair spectrum. We have proudly located the two most prominent champions that have ever existed in the entire world. The formidable ADEYPOOP and the mysterious AF. These two players burst onto the scene in 2006 and still dominate the entire Top 10 of world record scores having dethroned Stompy and Kenty on their way to glory. Formerly favorite cousins, Adeypoop and AF are reputed to hate each others guts now the rivalry is so strong.

We spoke to AF first who told us of his anguish at being dethroned on that fateful day of 12 Oct 2006. "I don't want to talk about it" he said and turned his face away from us whilst sighing heavily. AF's skin glistened with sweat and emotion as finally he opened up like a river overflowing its banks. "I had been the champion ever since the 4th May 2006 when I reached level 23 and atained my score of 60690, STOMPY didn't know what hit him as my score totally blew him out of the water. Stompys' best was level 18 I think, it was one of the best times of my life when I reached number 1." Aaron was silent for a moment then continued... "That bastard, that fucking bastard! he was practising constantly and I never thought he'd do it but then he fucking well did and by that point I couldn't be arsed logging into Windows to play it anymore ...." AF turned away, the clock on the mantlepiece suddenly seeming to tick loudly in the uncomfortable silence that followed. Eventually Aaron broke the silence by muttering something about hating Microsoft and then started singing a little song he'd made up about Ubuntu.

Adeypoop, the reigning splat champion of the world was harder to track down having buggered off to the other side of the world but we did manage to get him on skype one morning. 'Every time i got close to his score that wee bugger seemed to pull another big one out the bag' said Ade whistfully, ' by big I mean really huge you know?' , Ade's kiwi accent sounded quite strong which surprised us. We couldn't tell at times what words he was saying for example he was pronouncing the vowels all wrong like saying beer feet instead of bare feet. Ade elaborated, "Then one day everything just seemed right and I went for it and I acheived it". Ade smiled a big smug grin and drank a large vodka martina shaken but not stirred in one gulp.

So what is in the future for these two giants of the computer world? Is there any truth in the rumours of a reunion playing Kick Off2? Aaron was quite frank in his response, 'I've moved on, yes splat is a proud part of my history, yes it hurts that adeypoop beat me, but i can hammer him at manic miner, TLL, assault cube... so he can fuck off. And I used to beat him as England versus Scotland in Kick Off2. He can have splat but I'll take everything else.

It was hard to tell what ade was saying due to all the jumbled up pronouciations but it seemed like he was bragging that noone will ever beat his score which has now stood for several years. Maybe he is right?

At this point Tony piped up, "I'm number one at the Atari ST version of Joust, the high score table i pinned on the wall next to my computer is conclusive proof."

You can see the current world splay highscore table by following this link - http://www.dbhut.com/splat.php

Further explorations of the central cavern

Happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday sinclair spectrum 48k,
happy birthday to you.

Hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip HURRAH!!!! :o) :o) :o)

Shite man 25 years today! bloody hell! I actually feel quite emotional, the speccy is now another year older. 25 friggin years, like woah man. Now lets get one thing clear, I am proud of the speccy, its much much better than the commodore 64 and the Amstrad put together. Lets here it for the speccy. yay!!!!!

So, the central cavern once more. Its been a while, please accept my most humble apologies for not erm finishing the thing until now. My judgment has been a bit clouded after too much of the old oregano on my spaghetti if you follow me ;-)

By now you should now be able to jump over that yellow thing on the conveyor belt. The thing with a trumpet sort of thing on its head and teeth in its belly. How the fuck did Matthew Smith dream up such a horrific demon I'll never know.

Follow this exactly to the letter. IT IS CRUCIAL I KID YOU NOT. keep jumping up until you are on the top level. Now press 'right' and keep it pressed while also pressing 'jump' and keeping it pressed, this will cause you to repeatedly jump. This might sound crazy because along this top platform are all manor of spikes and deadly bushes, quicksand and shite. But if you trusted me and did exactly as I said you'll jump under and around and thus avoid all that danger and also collect all the keys. Its amazing, the first time I did it my heart was racing so much I thought it would beat out of my chest. Then my hands got clammy and I almost fainted.

Next time I'll tell you how to get back down to the exit and beyond ...

Tales of the 60's - the central cavern - Part 1

Obviously I'm delighted with my victory over Roy Anarchy, which I never doubted. Aaron, Ade, Gus and Maria don't know how close they got to the sack over that one! So yeah pretty chuffed, I've been working hard to get 'ie churnal up to its current high standards. Didn't want some shite spouting punk to come and take all my hard work away. What a load of pish that Roy was spouting about Simon and Garfunkel. What about Uriah Heep?

Anyway this gives me my chance to share my knowledge with those who still cannot get past the first fiendish level of Manic Miner, 'the central cavern' level. I'll have to serialise it probably as its such a fiendish level, quite long and arduous, a bit like me kicking out that Roy Anarchy guy!

So, on the central cavern start walking to the right under a long platform, which you have to jump through and land on. I still don't know how it is possible to jump through the seemingly solid platform but after about 5 years I've just started to do it without questioning it. Also I can safely say that every time you walk or jump into the bush it will kill you, I have tried walking into it from every angle and never yet survived. Its a mystery why but there you go, take it or leave it.

Now you jump again onto a raised platform and keep walking, if the ground dissolves to nothing under you keep going as fast as you can by repeatedly striking the 'walk right' button. The thing I have learned is not to stop at this point or you fall through back to the bottom and get stuck until you run out of air.

If you manage to get past the quicksand, you can then jump and get a key above you. The next bit is one of the hardest bits; you have to jump to the left onto a conveyor belt and before you know it jump over a bush that is on the conveyor belt. If you let the conveyor belt carry you into the bush it kills you. If you have done it right (which I manage about 2% of the attempts I make) then you find yourself on a platform just above the middle.

The next bit is mental. There is a funny yellow creature walking back and forth on the conveyor belt which kills you at every chance it gets. Timing is critical, if you wait for the right timing for too long as I often do you run out of air and die. It may seem counterintuitive but to get past it you have to run towards it. At the last second jump over it. An important thing to remember is to jump to the left off the conveyor belt rather than falling off the end. Otherwise you get stuck at the bottom and run out of air and die.