Tia Maria

Before I answer theese weeks letters I want to share a teeny weeny of spanish wisdom with you. In spain we say, "Quien juega con fuego moja la cama!", or en inglish is, "he who plays with fire wets the bed!"

So, on with the letters, vamos!

Tia Maria,

I find that I am shocked quite easily these days by stuff I read on the internet and I'm sorry to say ie churnal is reaching that point too. Next thing you'll be publishing all those naughty swear words like pish for example. I could go on you know. Anyway keep up the good work a big thumbs up to ie churnal,

Simon Cowel

I'm sorry you feel that way Simon, at ie churnal we do not allow words such as 'chuffing', 'winkle' etc to be published - TM

Tia Maria,

I've given birth to a darling little baby whom I have named 'Metadata', however there is still no sign of Lykergus at all. When I went back to the hospital to have Lykergus the other day the nurses looked at me like I was mad.

Yours puzzled,

Beck McSpiz

I want to whisper three words to you that may shock and frighten you, "switched at birth!" - TM

Dear Maria,

I got drunk on Valentines day and accidentally gave my mother in-law a kinky webcam show over skype. Now my wife is refusing to come home from her holiday. What can I do to make it up to her?

Adria... erm I mean, Dixon Fire.


Tis easy no? first you give your wife lots to drink, and than you blame the mother-in-law for leading you on - TM

Hairy brown star, nads, pish, no, I already said that one... arse, chutney ferret, binkey,

Yours

Simon Cowel

Thank you Simon I had not heard of some of those ones - TM


Hi Maria,

Its been a while since there was a fight in these pages, how about matching up that fanny Natty with myself, the winner taking on Robin chickenbreast? I'll have them all out I'm the Scottish champ. Come oan!

Naomi


This is a possibility, perhaps we could arrange some sort of tag match and have both of them take you on at the same time to even up the odds - TM


Dear Tia Maria,

Last Thursday I lost a pound coin in the vicinity of the Ulpster telephone box. Coincidentally, later that day I found a pound coin in the same area. May I use your esteemed publication to ask your readers to contact me if they have found the pound that I lost, or if they think that the pound I have found belongs to them.

Yours, Aim Fire.

Thank you Aim, we will pass any correspondence recieved to you - TM

Tia Maria

Hola! Well as you may know I have now taken residency of the churnal hotseat, ie the agony aunt spot. I'm sure that you will find my advice agreeable and hope you find it useful. Incidently I speak multi languages including a little bit of English and Greek too so please get those questions coming and I'll see what I can do. - Maria

Dear Maria,

I have found that when I drink 6 cups of coffee late at night, nice and strong and black the way I like it, like I like my men. I get kind of hyper like and cannot sleep. Is this a problem?

Yours

Morna

Morna Querido, Usted no necesita preocuparse de su problema. ¿nunca he encontrado cualquier persona otro con el problema que usted describe, pero no es axactly tierra que rompe es él? - Maria


Dear Maria,

I am writing to offer my support to Tony, that scurrilous windbag Roy Anarchy deserves a damn good kicking. By the way, have you noticed how alike they look? are they related at all?

Yours, Ophelia Balls

Thank you for your letter, this really should have been addressed to the Editor as it is not a problem as such - Maria


Dear Maria,

No offence intended but your advice to people with problems is shite compared to our dearly missed and founding member of e' churnal. Of course I am referring to Baeky, when will Baeky be coming back. The people of Ulpster, nay the whole world, want her back!

Yours Baeky er I mean er Mrs McSpiz

I understand your concerns and am aware that I have a job on my hands filling Baekys shoes. I am confident though that after a week or so you will have forgotten she existed. I seem to recognise your handwriting, have you written to me before? - Maria

Dear beaky

do you have any homespun recipes for a black eye and brocken ribs

yours

Uncle Jimmy?

I shall answer this on Baeky's behalf. For a black eye I can recommend you go to the Kop-end at Anfield on a match day wearing an Everton shirt, you may even manage the broken ribs with the same method, but a sure fire way is to pretend you're Superman and leap of the top of a building. - Maria

Hola Tia Maria,

Es possible tener una solucion de mi problema por favor?

Muchas Gracias, Essie Kye

Soy seguro que puedo ayudarle, pero desafortunadamente usted se ha olvidado de contornear cuál es su problema, hee hee - Maria


Dear Baeky,

I just want to wish you luck over in the states playing for Galaxy LA. I for one have long admired your long ball game.

Yours Greg Grig-Grog

Thank you for your kind wishes Greg, I shall pass them on to Baeky as she no longer works for the Churnal - Maria



AAAAhhhmmm gonna to hav yeeees aaaall ooot for this defication of character. Avvvee neva had a fight in me life apart from with Mel, Wen , Becky, unkle Martin, Ann, me mam, Freeday n' saraday, with kevn keegan n' all the mags etc etc

Uncle Jimmy

Ahh a grammatical error there Jim, the phrase "Avvvee neva had a fight in me life..." should have read, "Avvvee neva won a fight in me life (period)" Hope you're feeling better soon - Maria

Dear Maria,

After reading the report from Roy Anarchy, I would like to offer my support to Tony, I think he's done a fantastic job of taking Ie Churnal into the 21st Century.

Yours, Juan Kerr

That's nice dear, now run along - Maria