Newsflash - Musical Genius Discovered

In a house in Bower (near Ulpster) our very own Gus (of Cookery Tips fame) came across a feline of such musical talent that on seeing her play an original piece on the piano he was moved to comment, “I’ve waited all my life to see that!”

Jonathan, explained that Gizmo had been playing the piano for several months and at first he had thought she was hitting random notes, as if walking across the keys. It was when he recognised two notes from the tune ‘London’s Burning’ that he realised it was much more than that. After listening very closely to another of Gizmo’s recitals he was sure that it contained almost all of the notes of a very well known classical tune ‘Fur Elise, although not in quite the right order’. “She seems to have a penchant for Beethoven”, laughed Jonathan.

Have a good one readers!!!

Aaron's underpants column

Hi readers, after the startling success of my first column 'Aarons world' in which I explained the joys of closets and how much fun they are to come out of. I've decided to up the stakes yet further with what may be the naughtiest article of the churnal yet if you know what I mean? (wink)

Before I go rummaging around in my underwear drawer to see what I can find, its traditional that I quote a song lyric which sums up my column. This week I'm going for an old classic by Def Leppard - "Pour some sugar on me, ooooo in the name of love, Pour some sugar on me. I'm hot sticky sweet from my head hey head to my feet yeah" Actually its not really got much to do with my article (fnarr fnarr) but it has got everything to do with being an ace song. Though Bon Jovi are still the best. Not only that but I've probably now put the song in your head, which was my intention.

But as usual I'm digressing from the main point here which is underwear this week. Now when you think of y-fronts you probably think of pishy stains and skid marks and all that, but before you all laugh let me just say, Y-fronts are coming back in.

...

I can tell by the silence that you are shocked but it is true. In fact I've given them a credible 6 on my Aaron-in-ometer this week. They do have to have some form of amusing print on them though other wise they are like no way dude and crash down around your ankles, figuratively speaking.

Ooops darn it, I've only gone and run out of time and I was going to tell you all about some lovely little briefs I saw lately, full of class in which there was an elephants face and you put your 'hoo hoo' in the trunk (tee hee), I have to get a pair of those. See you next year and I'll tell you more about whats 'in' and whats 'out' with my fabulous patented Aaron-in-ometer.



Merry Christmas

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Nick. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect my credibility, yer nah. Why man, your reporter failed to mention salient facts that would affect my abilty to fight such as the well documented "Inky Big Toe", and also that at the time I was suffering from severe chafing of the thighs. There was also no mention of the knuckle dusters used by my opponent.......err, just remembered I used the Knuckle dusters, forget I mentioned that. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts, hinny.

Yours, Uncle Jimmy

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.


Dear Sir,
Why oh why do so many complaints letters begin with the phrase "Why oh why"? Don't people realise that using the same phrase over and over again just devalues it? Why oh why can't they think of an alternative?

Yours, A. Knuss

Why oh why does this upset you? - Ed.


Dear Sir,
I was shocked and stunned to hear of Baekys withdrawl from the pages of the Churnal, especially as I had already twice asked for an answer to a particularly intriguing question. Is it possible you may be able to give the answer I crave?

Yours, Essie Kye.

Well Essie I am not qualfied to answer your question I'm afraid. however, I do have good news as we have a replacement for Baeky lined up. Do you speak Spanish? - Ed.

Dear Churnal,

I've decided to write a song especially for your readers. So without further ado, ah one ah two ah one two three four ...

Plocton Plocton Plocton
dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy do
Plocton diddy dum diddy Plocton diddy poo

I wonder if Simon Cowell will be impressed. Can you ensure he reads this please?

Regards, Aimee.

P.S Hi Simon how's life ? remember me from Pop idol ? Aims X

Thank you for your submission Aimee, it sure is a catchy tune. I happen to know Simon reads the Churnal every day ... probably. - Ed.



Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Jimmy. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect his credibility. In no way was he fighting like a little girl, it defies credibility, he's almost 6 feet tall, much more like a big girl. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts.

Yours, Uncle Nick.

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers. I promised in my last column that I would have tales of a more exotic nature and let me tell you now, you will not be disappointed. Having spent the past week watching the 'Discovery Channel' from my bed (thanks to another bloody spider bite), I became enchanted with the idea of visiting the Far East.

This trip was a biggie and needed some major preparation so I took the phone off the hook, closed all the curtains and started planning. I chose a yellow sun-like sticker and placed it on the kitchen table beside my travel map, awaiting my return. With regards to clothing, I knew that the Far East has monsoons so my green wellington boots were a must, along with my scotch-guarded brown cords and my trusty cagoule.

At 5pm I left the house and made the epic fifteen meter trip to the top of my street. Suddenly my blood ran cold. I could hear the Green Cross Code Man's warnings echoing around my head, “...don't cross the road at a corner, find a safe place... don't cross the road on a corner, find a....”, I grabbed my phone and dialled Maria. Would you believe it? I'd forgotten to hang the phone up before I left the house! With no way of getting help and too far into my adventure to turn back, I took a deep breath... it was time for me to become a man!

glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal

I found a safe spot between two parked cars, counted to three and ran into the road with my arms flailing above my head. What a feeling it was getting to the opposite pavement, there were cars beeping encouragement and everything, nothing could stop me now. I rounded the corner and made my way up the street until I was standing outside the Far East Chinese take-away. My heart sank as I tried the door and found it locked. Slumping to the ground I buried my head in my hands. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of something out the corner of my eye, it was amazing, a miracle! Just two doors down from the Far East, glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal Indian take-away.

Inside it was even more impressive than it had looked on the telly and the service couldn't have been better. I ordered my chips and chose the home delivery option. After 10 minutes my chips were ready and the nice delivery man came to take me home. My best adventure yet and the icing on the cake was being able to add not just one, but two new stickers to my map.

Ade x.

Tales of the 60's

Timelord Tony here once again. I guess that now seems like as good a time as any to share some more of my fond reminiscences of the 60's, a golden era which will never be repeated, I don't care how many mind altering substances you take, such as er? whats that stuff called again? ... Nutmeg. And banana skins etc, I always say if you can't remember the '60s it means you were there and I can't remember ANY of it let me tell you. So why not roll yourself a nice fat banana skin reefer, sit back, put the tv on mute send the kids to bed and read some more of my amazing tales of the 60's.

I think my first concious thoughts after the hangover of the 1960's began to occur in the early 198o's. As I slowly regained cognitave awareness imagine my surprise to discover I was now married with two children and exiled in the north of Scotland. However it wasn't all bad because I also discovered I had bought myself an 8 colour, 48K sinclair spectrum with sound, in the intervening years. Not only that but it had speech too, on the game splat.

At around this time I got addicted to the game that was a forerunner of Grand Theft Auto, it was called 'manic miner'. In this game you have to jump around a whopping 20 caverns collecting jewels and keys and shite like that that these mining automatons have been making for like millenia and stuff.

Well I am proud to announce I have finally managed to get to 'the cold room' level, which I achieved last night at around 4am using an infinite lives poke. This herculean feat was achieved after 24 years of intense gaming. My son Jonathon helped too with the bit about how to jump over the bush. I may decide to share my knowledge of how to achieve this amazing feat in a future entry so stay posted.

A Warning To All Parents

We at ie Ulpster Churnal have come into possession of a shocking advert which has been in underground circulation for the past two years. It's sole aim is to get our babies hooked on a substance being used by more and more kids every day. Recent research has astonishingly shown that around 100% of babies have tried it and perhaps more disturbingly, the majority are using daily.

The video begins by showing the preparation, administration and consumption of the what we at ie Churnal have christened 'baby opium' or 'B.O.' for short. The baby is shown restlessly shifting around, waiting for it's 'fix'. Then, reminiscent of the film 'Trainspotting', the final scene shows the baby blissed out and barely conscious lying on the floor with an empty bottle beside him. A message then flashes up encouraging youngsters to join in the fun.

Please parents, don't let your kids succumb to this evil. We recommend stew, lemonade or a drop of booze for your newborns. Together we can beat this B.O. problem....