The Ulpster Open Second Semi-Final
"Welcome back to the Ulpster Open Semi finals, with me Grandma Joan ex fart champion in 1947, 1954 and 1982, and Naomi to witness the second semi final of Nick versus Tony. The crowd have been riveted to the action as we now await the start of the second set. If you've just joined us Tony has won the first set! Here is Naomi to recap those events:"
Nims - "Thanks Grandma. Yes I can't recall a start to a match like this one before. As Tony marched into the arena he shouted in a very loud authoritative manner that this auditorium was now an F.F.Z.!!! Confusion ensued and whilst Nick consulted the match official to see what was going on Tony sneaked up and let off an almighty trump in Nick's face. Nick staggered around his eyes watering, repeatedly sneezing with the sulphurous fumes while Tony peppered him with yet more farts from close range.
Grandma - "Sorry to interrupt you but the second set is now under way and we can see yet more controversy as Tony has lain down on his back, his legs around his neck and lit a huge fart which has actually singed Nick's eyebrows, in fact the flames are now engulfing the hair on Nick's shoulders and back."
Nims - "This is incredible! This match has everything! But here comes Nick, he's running around the auditorium whilst emmiting one long pump, in fact he has now completed two laps and still pumping, this must beat his own world record!"
Joan - "Yes but it still only counts as one pump, whilst Tony with a look of intense concentration on his face has managed to eek out 3 pathetic little squeaks but they all count, and are enough for him to dramatically break serve and give him three match points."
Nims - "The tension is now unbearable, some of the people in the crowd are also pumping now, prompting the match official to call for silence... And so both players resume. Nick is first to break the stalemate with a healthy sounding pump, however Tony quick as a flash neutralizes it with some air freshener. "
Joan - "Nick is now arguing with the referee over the legality of Tony's air freshener move but Tony has played on! Tony releases an awful silent but violent pump into Nicks face. Nick is down on his knees coughing and spluttering, meanwhile the referee, holding a handkerchief to his face, has raised his hand signalling victory to Tony. "
Nims - "What an incredible victory. The first time Tony has beaten Nick competitively, and what a time to do it. Tony will now meet Aaron in the final of the Ulpster Open."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
New Agony Aunt - Survey
As you may be aware, we've had to let Maria go due to her inconsiderately getting herself up the duff.
I feel I have to inform our readers that Maria took her dismissal from ie churnal very badly indeed. We bumped into each other in the library earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as chutney faggot boy, and mister idiot, which was very embarrassing. Don't ask what I was doing in New Zealand.
But now we have to decide who fits the bill for the churnal agony aunt spot next? This is a crucial decision at the start of this new era for ie churnal. We have some strong applications after our recent advertisement let me tell you, including former Agony Aunts Baeky and Maria, not to mention Aimee the tin whistle flute-myster. So we've decided to let you, the readers make this decision for us
Tony
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Churnal shop is now open
Over the past few months we have received literally hundreds of e-mails requesting Churnal merchandise, or more accurately Ade merchandise. The final straw was when Jade's ISP contacted us to ask if we would comply with her wishes as she was putting a strain on their mail server.
Announcing our summer collection....
A life-size, anatomically correct, blow up Ade doll.
Only £129.99 + p&p
(Tip - place him beside your rose patch for that authentic Ade guff)
A Limited Edition, Ade on a Pole toy. Ideal for young uns.
(Warning, choking and toxic paint hazard)
Only £9.99 + p&p
The Ulpster Open First Semi-Final
Live Commentry today comes from Nims and Grandma Joan,
Nims - "So, here we are for what is anticipated to be an evenly matched contest between Aaron, who has specialized in eggy boffs throughout this tournament and Ade, who's farts are reputed to smell pleasantly of roses.
Joan - "Yes it seems like the whole population of Ulbster is in attendence and quite a few travelling from as far afield as Thrumster and Lypster too, all anticipating an exciting event. Presently the murmuring of the crowd quietens to an absolute hush as the match begins. I hand over to Naomi for the match commentary...."
"Thanks Grandma - Immediately Aaron signals his intent and squeaks out 3 rotten guffs in quick succession, with one more ripper it's first game to Spidey - 40: love. The second game goes much the same way as Spidey casually bends over, his arse only inches from Ade's face and squirts out one long fart which he eeks into 4 seperate pumps using exquisite control of his sphincter muscles. Ade's shouts of "Come on ref theres lumps in that" go ignored by the match official and Aaron wins the next game too. Spidey takes the first set 6 : love.
Nims: "As the players take a break after the first set I have to say Ade looks very uncomfortable today, I feel like Spidey's pumps may be too stinkey for him.
With the second set also going in Spidey's favour, it is not until the start of the third set Ade finally lets rip, a strong warm wind billows from his arse around the theatre blowing Aaron over so he tumbles backwards! What an amazing fart! It actually seems to have cleared away some of the lingering egginess too which I have to say is a relief.
"I haven't seen a fart like this since 1943" adds Grandma Joan.
Nims - " Yes but this only appears to have made Aaron even more determined, look at the expression on his face as he farts again and again and again. I bet Ade wishes he wasn't here at all. oh no in fact Ade is now retching quite violently and in fact it is over, Ade is now unfit to continue.
And so we now know the first finalist will be Aaron after this quite ruthless display. We now must wait to see if he will play Tony or Nick in the final.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Ade's £9,000 Drinks Bill
The Churnal was astounded to discover that Ade has been on a £9,000 drinking binge, although when confronted today, Ade refused to confirm this figure claiming that it had been vastly inflated.
"You beggars have rounded it up", he said angrily, "the sum is much closer to £8,999".
Justification
In an attempt to justify himself he then claimed that even if our figure was correct it was not an excessive amount. "If you consider I've been drinking for over 30 years it's not a lot per year, lots of people drink more than me. Anyway most of the money would have been spent on soft drinks, or bottled water as I'm a bit of a poser."
We then spoke to his cousin who confirmed that Ade did indeed drink regularly, "I think we all do said Spidey, after all I'm sure I read somewhere that the human body is a large percentage water, I think the figure is 99.99% probably so we need to replenish the liquid don't we?"
Stop Press
Sadly, we have just learned that Ade has refused to book himself into the Betty Ford Clinic.
Hataitai - The film they didn't want you to see
A i m e e ...
"I loved it so much I wet me pants a bit....aah did! x"
N a o m i ...
"I don't want to visit you anymore.... I'm scared."
Y o u t u b e ...
Rejected (terms of use violation)
T o n y ...
"I was touching cloth while I watched it"
N i c k ...
"I wasn't scared"
With guest appearances from
Dan McFarr
Beck Mc Spiz
Marieta Carnivore Montangne
&
Ade
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
New Scientific Breakthrough
The Churnal is proud to have this exclusive report before any of the national newspapers. Time travel has been discovered, you may scoff but we have the facts.
Our reporter spent many hours tracking down this immense story, interviewing many of the local residents in and around Ulpster, in the main, they totally denied any knowledge whatsoever. To our reporter this only served to increase his determination to proceed as he knew with a degree of certainty that denials are almost always designed to throw people off the scent.
The discoverer of time travel was finally tracked down to Glasgow, a city near Ulpster, but he has asked for his identity not to be revealed yet. Spidey explained how his time machine operated, though he refused to explain how it actually worked, citing commercial reasons.
"At the moment, the machine can only move into the future which restricts it's use somewhat, but I am confident that pretty soon I will perfect it so that I can go back in time too, which will certainly increase its maketability"
"My time machine is upstairs", he enthused, "I regularly use it to step into the future."
Again citing commercial reasons he would not say how he had built the machine, saying only that he did not manufacture it himself, but had purchased it from Slumberland. "I usually set the timer for about 8 hours and enter the King Size Time Machine. Almost immediately the alarm would go off and amazingly I would be 8 hours in the future, most of the time I would be in the following day."
Conclusive Proof
Here is a picture of an anonymous person holding
two newspapers, you will notice one is dated 16th (when he entered the time machine), the other is dated 17th (when he emerged from the time machine). I think you will find this conclusive proof of the existance of time travel.