Gus' Cookery World

Woooo its me! Hiya folks.

Hold on two ticks while I consult my new PDA for my latest recipe ...

Hang on a minute ...

Aw bastarding hell... wait a minute... the buttons are awfully fiddley, sorry I can't remember which one switches it on. Dam and blast it.... Oh there it is ... Shit its gone again. Ha ha ha ha... anyway you know what? It doesn't matter I'll just wing it.



So er first get your arse over to Alaska because there you will find amongst the vast ice flows and frozen tundra miles and miles of emptiness in a godforsaken land. This is what I did recently and it is sooo worth it. I spent days which blurred into weeks wandering the lonely, haunted terrain, completely alone except for my little Inuit hobbit 'Pete Tong'. As the northern lights danced around the skies at night I discovered my manhood and then almost died of starvation.

And then a new recipe finally came to me! Let me proudly announce in a loud and sort of gruff tone that this might be one of my own particular favorite recipes yet. And guess what? I'm going to share it with you you lucky little chutney ferrits.

'Seal surprise'

First you need to select your preferred kitchen utensils to prepare the food. You will need a large club or mace and a cheese grater.

Select a friendly seal which hasn't developed a fear of humans and attack it with the club or cheese grater. When I do this I go into a frenzy which I don't remember afterwards so don't be surprised if the same happens to you. When I gaze down at the corpse of the dumb animal I feel pangs of remorse and guilt and so hide the corpse under the snow making sure to remove all traces of the kill, its the same as the way squirrels bury acorns really. The neat thing about this is that the meat is then stored just as if its in a freezer and should keep really well. I had to leave the carcasses in situ this time, but as I said they should keep for a while, then you can make a nice stew or perhaps a roast and if you don't fancy using the seal meat you have prepared you can go and buy some chicken or beef to use instead. Mmmmm.