Mad Matt's Music

Murder! Murder in the garden!

Little Henry (8) has had his head removed, by none other than Miss Cynthia Jane De Blaise-William (9). Her weapon of choice: a croquet mallet.

Strangely, the beheading of Henry was not enough to completely end his existence on earth…

Two weeks later, in his old nursery, Miss Cynthia sat playing in Henry’s old nursery, when she found his old musical box. She opened it, and not only did she hear the tune of “Old King Cole”, but she got the fright of her life as Henry jumped out of the box. He’d been given a second chance.

Henry began to change. He was still the size of a boy but he began to grow older, his hair greyed, his skin wrinkled and a grey beard appeared.

The aged boy’s mind raced as the thoughts, dreams and desires of a lifetime passed through his mind in seconds. He turned to Cynthia with a wicked grin on his face. She screamed as he ran towards her, but the nurse, who had heard the racket from the next room, ran into the room. The grabbed the musical box and threw it at the bearded child, destroying him, as well as the box.

Genesis may be known for their ape-like drummer/lead singer, one Phillip Collins, but back in the obscure 1970s there was a strange man by the name of Peter, who wrote strange and dark stories and translated them into haunting songs. One album of such songs is Nursery Cryme.

The strange horrific theme continues in the album with a song about a giant plant that attacks the human race in revenge for taking it from its native Russia, and a song about a mountain spring that causes anyone who goes into the water to become half man and half woman.

There is no apparent evidence of hidden messages, satanic or otherwise. After all, there’s enough evil when played forwards. There is however evidence to suggest that there is a grain of truth in the latter story. Although apparently based on Greek mythology, we at Ie Churnal have found that instead of some pool in Greece the spring may actually be Ulpster’s own peat bog.

As you may have read recently Dr Natty Inkspoon fell into said bog, and froze. He has since been thawed out, and has developed strange lumps on his chest, similar to boobs. Our team of breast experts (basically all of us at Ie Churnal) have confirmed that they are in fact real, and not implants.

And the morals of the stories? Don’t fall in Ulpster peat bog, don’t take plants from Russia, and certainly don’t decapitate your playmates with a croquet mallet.