Dear Aimae

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My Dad always tels me not to pik my nose, but he duz it himself.
It not fair!

Aden

Dear Aden

A wee something my dad used to say to me may help here " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you work that out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My blummin Dad always pumps then insists it wasn't him. To make matters worse he goes mental if I ever sneak even the most insignificant sterile one out. It's not fair.

Air head

Dear Air Head,

I'll share with you a wee something my dad used to say to me " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you sort this out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aimee,

How can I convince my son and youngest daughter that horses are way more better than cats and stuff like that? Can you gallop a cat? Hello!? What do you think?

yours Mel

Dear Mel,

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being...if you never love a horse, you will never understand."
~ Author Unknown


I, a fellow horse lover understand your plight, my suggestion is simple, wash your hands of these uncultured youths and buy another horse!

Aunty Aimee xxxx

Dear Aimee,

In my opinion given that there are only 8 notes in music, which form an 'octave' and because 8 x 8 = 64 there are only limited possibilites. Case proven I think.

yours Dr. Natty Inkspoon

Good try Natty,

Next time try to take into account the black notes, also have you thought about microtones? let me go in to a wee bit of detail for you.....

The vibrating and resonating parts of musical instruments (and almost everything else that makes sounds) don't produce sound waves of just one frequency. This is because the vibrating body ( e.g. string or air column) does not just vibrate as a whole; smaller sections vibrate as well. In the case of musical instruments, these additional frequencies are usually even multiples of the vibration frequency of the whole string, air column, bar, etc. For example, suppose you squeeze your accordion (the most sublime of all musical instruments) and press the key that lets the air out past a reed which, due to certain physical properties, vibrates 440 times per second. The vibrating reed will generate sound waves with a frequency of 440 Hz. (cycles per second), which happens to correspond to the A above Middle C. Because of other physical properties of the reed and the accordion, the instrument will also generate waves with a frequency of 880 Hz. (2 x 440), 1,320 Hz (3 x 440), 1,760 Hz. (4 x 440), etc. These extra frequencies are called overtones. Amazingly enough, when the overtones are close to even multiples of the fundamental frequency, our brains interpret the whole conglomeration of frequencies as a single pitch. Different instruments differ in the relative strengths of the various overtones, and that is what gives the instruments different timbres. This is also what makes your voice sound different from someone else's, even when you sing the exact same pitch. In the case of cymbals, gongs, snare drums, and the other indefinite-pitch percussion instruments, there are so many frequencies and overtones all at the same time that our brains don't pick out a definite pitch. You might notice, though, that the sound of a drum or woodblock can still be "higher" or "lower" than the sound of another.

I'm interested to hear your next valliant attempt
Yours Aunty (musical genious)Aimee xxx

Dear Aunty Aimee

Gosh I'm humbled to be here, all those votes have overwhelmed me. I like to think that life is like an octave with a little black note representing each problem and a nice elegant treble clef representing me, with maybe some semi-quavers sprinkled around depicting the chaos of modern society. So let me now sing and dance around your sad little problems with my beautiful melodies.

To help letters,

can you help my dad. when my dad turned 56 I would say oh look at that wrinkles he is overflowing with them I now he should get wrinkle cream but he'd need loads of the cream. He's like a wrinkly apple and he noes it.
--
Jonathan Fell

Yeeeesssss yeeesssss. MOISTURISE MOISTURISE MOISTURISE! that's what advertisingcampaigns would say. They would charge you £5.99 for a wrinkle cream that DOESN'T EVEN WORK!
My advice is to sit in the sun as much as possible...possibly even move to a hot counrty (with accssessable cheap flights for family). Whenever I sit in the sun I got all hot, sweaty, pink and naturally moisturised....always look great. Get him to move somewhere where he will look eternally young!

Dear so called 'Agony Aunt' Aimee

Congratulations on winning the vote you little shite. It shoud a been me. I voted for meself and give those twats a C90 of classic folk melodies. Ya baast

love Uncle Jim

Thank you so much for your 'bitter' sweet congratulations. Yes, you did vote for yourself, but if you had a bit of savvy you would have invested in an ebay style sniper...not that I did owt like that:) Also I heard your C90 and no offence, but it's shite, you sound like a girl.. and I am the music maestro!

Regards Aunty Aimee xxx
P.S Ha ha ha ha!

Dear Baeky,

Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?

Yours Sincerely

Travis

Firstly, It's AIMEE! AUNTY AIMEE! GET IT?!
and yes, I believe in Karma and Religion and Catholics and other spiritual things like that, so yes, it is because you lied when you were seventeen; and according to the catholic church you will have to explain yourself, naked! at Gods pearly gates....get thinking of excusses!

All the best Aunty Aimee xxx

Jello there,

My name is (oops, better keep this anonymous)
Better go, then.

Bye

This last email prompted me to make a small announcement regarding your mail to me. Anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.. Just tell me who you are and I promise I won't tell anyone else.. Honest...............it is better [and this is aimed at all readers] if you tell me who you are and include as many grusome details as possible. Not coz I'm nosey...just because it helps me help you
Help me to help you

Aunty Aimee XXX

Dear Aunty Aimee,

Heathcliffe won't let me into his window. What shall I do? Its rather cold in here.

Yours faithfully,

Katherine

Katherine, You've learned a hard lesson.... MEN ARE PIGS! All of them! Except for the ones I like. I suggest you buy a warm puffa jacket and get used to it. Warmest wishes, Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Tia Maria

I’m addicted to cable TV. I have been watching reruns of the crystal maze, friends and top gear for the past 3 weeks. I am only able to write this because the adverts are on. You’ve gotta help me! If I hear the theme tune to The Crystal Maze once more I will actually implode. I can’t tear myself away from it though. It calls to me!

Yours, in a state of square-eyedness

Matthew

This is a common problem with Geeks of your age group. Friends is cool...really cool, funny intelligent people watch that and Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City and Ugly Betty. But Top Gear and Crystal Maze? I have a quick fix for that one.Put on an eye mask, lie on the ground in a comfortable position and Imagine Richard O'Brien and Jeremy Clarkson dancing naked. That should put you off those crappy geeky shows.... Ironically the same therapy to put you off Crystal Maze and Top Gear increases addiction the the aformentioned cool programmes...funny that. Anyhoo See ya geeky pants

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I have written into numerous publications including the Sun and the Star asking for advice. Until now no-one has been able to answer the question I have. This whole thing has been causing me tremendous anxiety. Can you please tell me the bloody answer? Why can't people stop giving me the runaround? Aaaaargh!!!

Yours hopefully,

Essie Kay

Dear Essie,

Hmmm, that's a hard one, and very difficult to give you a clear answer on.. Here's a quote from William Ruskin regarding Wagner's music.... Of all the affected, sapless, soulless, beginningness, endless, topless, bottomless, topsiturviest, scrannel-pipiest, tongs and boniest doggerel of sounds I ever endured the deadliest of, that eternity of nothing was the deadliest -- as far as the sound went. Hope this makes you less anxious.

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee,

Did Tony and Ade enjoy their bottles of malt? And Aaron his meths filtered through a loaf of bread. Did Matty get enough cash?

Yours Jade

Sorry I don't know what you mean?

Aunty Aimeekins xxx

Uncle Jim Sings Like A Girl!

We thought that Uncle Jimmy was just laying low due to his disappointing Quarter Final defeat in the Ulpster Open but in actual fact he has been busy at work in his Caribbean recording studio.

Last night a jet-lagged, rum soaked Jim personally delivered a rather dog-eared C90 to the Churnal offices threatening to, "fuggin' trash the place if you don't add it to your stations playlist". All attempts to explain that we are not in fact a radio station failed and eventually he crawled off to sleep in the bath.

Now we at the Churnal like to think we are a fair lot so we gave his tape a listen and have to admit it is not half bad (though Jims voice does sound a bit like a girl's). Here is a link for you all to make your mind up for yourselves...

Click here to listen to Jim's tunes

Hitchcock Horror at Lypster Farm

In scenes reminiscent of the Hitchcock film 'The Birds', tin whistle and jaw harp teacher Aimee Feel was savagely attacked on a farm just south of Lypster.

Wendy McCoy (73), had brought daughter Aimee to have a ride on her horse 'Joffer'. Moments after entering the stables to fetch the horse she heard a blood curdling scream followed by some frantic girlie shrieks from the paddock. She dashed outside to see what the fuss was... Aimee had locked herself in her car which was surrounded by dozens of agitated chickens and menacing turkeys. Wendy looked on with mild amazement as she saw the biggest, ugliest turkey scramble onto the bonnet of the car and start pecking the windscreen, seemingly aiming for her daughters eyes!

After gently shooing the birds away Wendy tried to calm Aimee down and persuade her to come out and see Joffer but in the end had to take her home for a cup of cocoa and a nap.

Wendy commented, "I've never seen them act like that before... either they were smelling her fear or she's done one of her her trademark corn farts."

Aimee was unavailable for comment.