Wendy's Fantastic Nature Facts

Eeeeee, ah can't believe that ah finally have me own column. Before ah get started ah'd like to thank Aden for showing me how to switch on this new fangled computer thing and how to use it's word processor doo-dah.

Anyway, back to me column. My first fact for you all is regarding the common or garden Mango. Up here in tropical Lypster you can hardly take two steps without coming across a tree fruiting with Mangos so unsurprisingly our diet consists primarily of them and the wonderful neep. A wee tip for you, neeps and mango mashed together make a fine cheap clapshot substitute if, like us, you find tatties hard to come by.

Eeeeee, am so excited ah forgot to tell you the most amazing thing... Ah was looking at a mango stone the other day and it seemed very familiar. Then in a blinding flash of back spasm ah realized what it was! It was a blooming cuttlefish bone like yon budgies gnaw on. Who would have thought that the mango was not a fruit at all but a flippin mollusc and close relative of the cuttlefish.

Ah can't wait to see our Mels face when she finds out ah've discovered a bigger animal than her, what do you all think ah should call it? Ah think a Wendyfish has quite a nice ring to it personally.

Joan's ballistic missiles

Grandma Joan has added her impressive twin airbags into proceedings following a recent spate of boobs related posts in the Ulpster Churnal. The following fake advert she has sent into the churnal resembles a dead heat in a zepplin race.

SOS

Hi everyone, Ade Here. I desperately need help.
On Friday I decided to brave the elements, and travel all the way to the shopping mall by myself. Well I'm pleased to say that it wasn't that difficult, I only had to ask directions thirteen times, which in retrospect should have been an omen, being Friday 13th! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I can't find my way home and I can't remember my address or telephone number. I can remember which hemisphere I'm in but it doesn't seem to help, when I ask the locals for directions home and tell them I live in the Southern hemisphere now I just get blank looks.

I'm really hungry now and need to get home quick, I'm sure Maria is missing me. So here's the part where you can help. I want everyone who knows where I live, and is in the vicinity of the shopping mall, (wish I could remember the name of the mall), to keep a sharp lookout for me so that you can point me in the right direction.

Jade's Boobs Revealed

The churnal office staff have gone boobs daft as they try to uncover the truth behind Jade's prize assets after provocative comments have been made in this very churnal by Jade herself. By her own admission these impressively large knockers are reputed to be 38 inch D cups.

Sponsored by the Sun newspaper and in association with the Chinese, British and New Zealand governments we finally think we may be able to reveal what Jade's bazongas look like having conducted an exhaustive investigation.

Churnal leader and timelord Tony explained, 'I have done extensive research including opening up a search engine which I cannot name due to legal reasons and then typing phrases like 'boobs' and 'baps' into the text entry box. When you hit enter google gives you millions of results, you can spend hours sifting through them all and building up a mental image of just what these knockers might look like.

When I get too tired to continue my investigation, Roy Anarchy continues until I wake up again in the morning next to Eswyl with no memory of the previous evening. Anyway the following image shows the fruits of my extensive labour. I am proud to annouce that here for the first time we reveal an impression of Jade's baps using information collected from all available sources....

Naked truth revealed

The Ulpster Churnal is proud to reveal this early image of our very own Aaron from his pre-spidey days. Before Aaron found fame as a wall crawling crime fighter he was just another wannabe like countless others. On his path towards fame he appeared in the hit reality TV show 'Big Brother' in the Eastern European country of Lithuania. In a desperate bid for stardom he exposed his rather pert looking man boobs. Little did he know at that time that this picture would one day come back to haunt him.

Enjoy!

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Did you know that worms taste nice?
I got the idea to try them out from my dad. He thinks I don't notice , but every time he feeds the frog he slips one into his mouth surreptitiously and enjoyment is etched on his face.

I've tried them raw and I've tried them heated gently on a radiator, both are equally delicious. I would like to try them fried in garlic butter with a dry Chablis but unfortunately I'm not allowed near the cooker, or the drinks cabinet. Perhaps Gus could include the recipe in his cookery column and give an indication of how good it tastes, mmmmmm.

Gus' Cookery World

Woooo its me! Hiya folks.

Hold on two ticks while I consult my new PDA for my latest recipe ...

Hang on a minute ...

Aw bastarding hell... wait a minute... the buttons are awfully fiddley, sorry I can't remember which one switches it on. Dam and blast it.... Oh there it is ... Shit its gone again. Ha ha ha ha... anyway you know what? It doesn't matter I'll just wing it.



So er first get your arse over to Alaska because there you will find amongst the vast ice flows and frozen tundra miles and miles of emptiness in a godforsaken land. This is what I did recently and it is sooo worth it. I spent days which blurred into weeks wandering the lonely, haunted terrain, completely alone except for my little Inuit hobbit 'Pete Tong'. As the northern lights danced around the skies at night I discovered my manhood and then almost died of starvation.

And then a new recipe finally came to me! Let me proudly announce in a loud and sort of gruff tone that this might be one of my own particular favorite recipes yet. And guess what? I'm going to share it with you you lucky little chutney ferrits.

'Seal surprise'

First you need to select your preferred kitchen utensils to prepare the food. You will need a large club or mace and a cheese grater.

Select a friendly seal which hasn't developed a fear of humans and attack it with the club or cheese grater. When I do this I go into a frenzy which I don't remember afterwards so don't be surprised if the same happens to you. When I gaze down at the corpse of the dumb animal I feel pangs of remorse and guilt and so hide the corpse under the snow making sure to remove all traces of the kill, its the same as the way squirrels bury acorns really. The neat thing about this is that the meat is then stored just as if its in a freezer and should keep really well. I had to leave the carcasses in situ this time, but as I said they should keep for a while, then you can make a nice stew or perhaps a roast and if you don't fancy using the seal meat you have prepared you can go and buy some chicken or beef to use instead. Mmmmm.