The Ulpster Open Second Semi-Final

"Welcome back to the Ulpster Open Semi finals, with me Grandma Joan ex fart champion in 1947, 1954 and 1982, and Naomi to witness the second semi final of Nick versus Tony. The crowd have been riveted to the action as we now await the start of the second set. If you've just joined us Tony has won the first set! Here is Naomi to recap those events:"

Nims - "Thanks Grandma. Yes I can't recall a start to a match like this one before. As Tony marched into the arena he shouted in a very loud authoritative manner that this auditorium was now an F.F.Z.!!! Confusion ensued and whilst Nick consulted the match official to see what was going on Tony sneaked up and let off an almighty trump in Nick's face. Nick staggered around his eyes watering, repeatedly sneezing with the sulphurous fumes while Tony peppered him with yet more farts from close range.

Grandma - "Sorry to interrupt you but the second set is now under way and we can see yet more controversy as Tony has lain down on his back, his legs around his neck and lit a huge fart which has actually singed Nick's eyebrows, in fact the flames are now engulfing the hair on Nick's shoulders and back."

Nims - "This is incredible! This match has everything! But here comes Nick, he's running around the auditorium whilst emmiting one long pump, in fact he has now completed two laps and still pumping, this must beat his own world record!"

Joan - "Yes but it still only counts as one pump, whilst Tony with a look of intense concentration on his face has managed to eek out 3 pathetic little squeaks but they all count, and are enough for him to dramatically break serve and give him three match points."

Nims - "The tension is now unbearable, some of the people in the crowd are also pumping now, prompting the match official to call for silence... And so both players resume. Nick is first to break the stalemate with a healthy sounding pump, however Tony quick as a flash neutralizes it with some air freshener. "

Joan - "Nick is now arguing with the referee over the legality of Tony's air freshener move but Tony has played on! Tony releases an awful silent but violent pump into Nicks face. Nick is down on his knees coughing and spluttering, meanwhile the referee, holding a handkerchief to his face, has raised his hand signalling victory to Tony. "

Nims - "What an incredible victory. The first time Tony has beaten Nick competitively, and what a time to do it. Tony will now meet Aaron in the final of the Ulpster Open."

New Agony Aunt - Survey

As you may be aware, we've had to let Maria go due to her inconsiderately getting herself up the duff.

I feel I have to inform our readers that Maria took her dismissal from ie churnal very badly indeed. We bumped into each other in the library earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as chutney faggot boy, and mister idiot, which was very embarrassing. Don't ask what I was doing in New Zealand.

Free Online Surveys

Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endeavours.

But now we have to decide who fits the bill for the churnal agony aunt spot next? This is a crucial decision at the start of this new era for ie churnal. We have some strong applications after our recent advertisement let me tell you, including former Agony Aunts Baeky and Maria, not to mention Aimee the tin whistle flute-myster. So we've decided to let you, the readers make this decision for us

Tony

Churnal shop is now open

Over the past few months we have received literally hundreds of e-mails requesting Churnal merchandise, or more accurately Ade merchandise. The final straw was when Jade's ISP contacted us to ask if we would comply with her wishes as she was putting a strain on their mail server.

Announcing our summer collection....







A life-size, anatomically correct, blow up Ade doll.

Only £129.99 + p&p

An Ade, Ulpster Open Semi-Finalist 2007, commemorative garden gnome.

(Tip - place him beside your rose patch for that authentic Ade guff)

Only £9.99 + p&p















A Limited Edition, Ade on a Pole toy. Ideal for young uns.

(Warning, choking and toxic paint hazard)

Only £9.99 + p&p

BONUS – Free Churnal mobile phone theme for Sony Ericsson K750.
Click here to download.

The Ulpster Open First Semi-Final
Live Commentry today comes from Nims and Grandma Joan,

Nims - "So, here we are for what is anticipated to be an evenly matched contest between Aaron, who has specialized in eggy boffs throughout this tournament and Ade, who's farts are reputed to smell pleasantly of roses.

Joan - "Yes it seems like the whole population of Ulbster is in attendence and quite a few travelling from as far afield as Thrumster and Lypster too, all anticipating an exciting event. Presently the murmuring of the crowd quietens to an absolute hush as the match begins. I hand over to Naomi for the match commentary...."

"Thanks Grandma - Immediately Aaron signals his intent and squeaks out 3 rotten guffs in quick succession, with one more ripper it's first game to Spidey - 40: love. The second game goes much the same way as Spidey casually bends over, his arse only inches from Ade's face and squirts out one long fart which he eeks into 4 seperate pumps using exquisite control of his sphincter muscles. Ade's shouts of "Come on ref theres lumps in that" go ignored by the match official and Aaron wins the next game too. Spidey takes the first set 6 : love.

Nims: "As the players take a break after the first set I have to say Ade looks very uncomfortable today, I feel like Spidey's pumps may be too stinkey for him.

With the second set also going in Spidey's favour, it is not until the start of the third set Ade finally lets rip, a strong warm wind billows from his arse around the theatre blowing Aaron over so he tumbles backwards! What an amazing fart! It actually seems to have cleared away some of the lingering egginess too which I have to say is a relief.

"I haven't seen a fart like this since 1943" adds Grandma Joan.

Nims - " Yes but this only appears to have made Aaron even more determined, look at the expression on his face as he farts again and again and again. I bet Ade wishes he wasn't here at all. oh no in fact Ade is now retching quite violently and in fact it is over, Ade is now unfit to continue.

And so we now know the first finalist will be Aaron after this quite ruthless display. We now must wait to see if he will play Tony or Nick in the final.

Ade's £9,000 Drinks Bill

The Churnal was astounded to discover that Ade has been on a £9,000 drinking binge, although when confronted today, Ade refused to confirm this figure claiming that it had been vastly inflated.
"You beggars have rounded it up", he said angrily, "the sum is much closer to £8,999".

Justification

In an attempt to justify himself he then claimed that even if our figure was correct it was not an excessive amount. "If you consider I've been drinking for over 30 years it's not a lot per year, lots of people drink more than me. Anyway most of the money would have been spent on soft drinks, or bottled water as I'm a bit of a poser."

We then spoke to his cousin who confirmed that Ade did indeed drink regularly, "I think we all do said Spidey, after all I'm sure I read somewhere that the human body is a large percentage water, I think the figure is 99.99% probably so we need to replenish the liquid don't we?"

Stop Press
Sadly, we have just learned that Ade has refused to book himself into the Betty Ford Clinic.

Hataitai - The film they didn't want you to see

A i m e e ...
"I loved it so much I wet me pants a bit....aah did! x"

N a o m i ...
"I don't want to visit you anymore.... I'm scared."

Y o u t u b e ...
Rejected (terms of use violation)

T o n y ...
"I was touching cloth while I watched it"

N i c k ...
"I wasn't scared"

HATAITAI

Starring Vince the cat

With guest appearances from

Dan McFarr
Beck Mc Spiz
Marieta Carnivore Montangne
&
Ade

New Scientific Breakthrough

The Churnal is proud to have this exclusive report before any of the national newspapers. Time travel has been discovered, you may scoff but we have the facts.

Our reporter spent many hours tracking down this immense story, interviewing many of the local residents in and around Ulpster, in the main, they totally denied any knowledge whatsoever. To our reporter this only served to increase his determination to proceed as he knew with a degree of certainty that denials are almost always designed to throw people off the scent.

The discoverer of time travel was finally tracked down to Glasgow, a city near Ulpster, but he has asked for his identity not to be revealed yet. Spidey explained how his time machine operated, though he refused to explain how it actually worked, citing commercial reasons.
"At the moment, the machine can only move into the future which restricts it's use somewhat, but I am confident that pretty soon I will perfect it so that I can go back in time too, which will certainly increase its maketability"
"My time machine is upstairs", he enthused, "I regularly use it to step into the future."

Again citing commercial reasons he would not say how he had built the machine, saying only that he did not manufacture it himself, but had purchased it from Slumberland. "I usually set the timer for about 8 hours and enter the King Size Time Machine. Almost immediately the alarm would go off and amazingly I would be 8 hours in the future, most of the time I would be in the following day."

Conclusive Proof

Here is a picture of an anonymous person holding
two newspapers, you will notice one is dated 16th (when he entered the time machine), the other is dated 17th (when he emerged from the time machine). I think you will find this conclusive proof of the existance of time travel.

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

I was recently mulling over one of children's great unanswered questions, namely, where do grown-ups keep disappearing to? It used to happen quite regularly to me when I was younger, grown-ups would come right up to you, say the magic word "Heidi", wave their hands and bam! disappear into thin air, only to magically re-appear moments later with the magic word "peep-oh" Where on earth do they go? do they move into a sideways parallel world briefly? or into an alternative dimension? or is it some sort of hypnotism? I think it's high time we kids were told

Ade's Philosophy Column

I was smoking some sage the other day and whilst making my way back to reality through the ether I had an epiphany... Did you know that I am a mind floating about in a void?

Everyone, and I mean, everyone and every single thing in the Universe, is in my mind! One of my peers, I think it was Snoopy, once said a very profound thing. Actually for the sake of accuracy I suppose it was me thinking that he thought it so really I can take full credit, anyway he said, “I think therefore I am”.

You see, I know myself that I can think, ergo I exist. I don't know that anyone else can think therefore the likelihood is that you are just figments of my immense imagination, which incidentally is floating around in a void.

I can sense you all taking umbridge to the previous statement but this is not a mere theory, it is a water tight theorem. I have asked numerous people to prove that they exist. The standard answers are, “Yes, I exist. I'm here aren't I?” or “I can also think and therefore I am too”, but think about it, or rather I will imagine you thinking about it... None of this proves to me that you can think and since I am the only one that I know definitely can think, then I am the only one who definitely exists so you must all be part of my mind.

Some smart-arses have even tried to get me to prove that I can think. Now, I know that I can think and if I could not think then I would not be able to think that I could. You follow?

Anyway, I am a mind floating about in a void and you are nothing but figments of my imagination. You know, I feel very lonely all of a sudden :(

Ade x

Fears over spidey

After seeing this image posted around the internet, concern is mounting over the whereabouts of Aaron ... Stay posted

Aussie Rules Tennis Tournament underway in Ulpster

The stage is set for some fantastic farting tennis as we reach the semi-final stage in an enthralling Aussie Rules Tennis competition currently underway, the 'Ulpster Open'. For those who don’t know the rules refer here.

The first eye-watering, nose-running, semi final will be hotly contested by Ade the New Zealand Welterweight Champion 2006-7, versus Aaron the undefeated Scottish champion for 3 years running. It is anybodies guess who will win although bookies have made Aaron the slight favorite after an incredible display beating Uncle Jimmy easily in his quaterfinal match with an unstoppable onslaught of eggy boffs, this was despite Jim having eaten tons of peas pudding in his pre-match preparations. However Ade also looked impressive in his defeat of Aunty Linden and would probably have gone on to beat her even if she hadn't been disqualified for excessive lumps in her shots.

The other semi-final looks a bit more one sided with pre-tournament favourite Nick Butter-Dickos expected to easily beat old campaigner Tony. Tony generally prefers a defensive approach aiming to neutralize his opponent using air freshener spray rather than a standard offensive farting style. This has worked for him so far in this tournament against Steve in his first round match and then Naomi in the quarter final, but will it work against Nick? This is doubtful as Nick’s guts are said to be rank at the moment. It is well known that Nick holds the world record for sustaining one long fart whilst running around a pool table.

Stay tuned for live coverage of these enthralling semi-final matches coming up.

Gizmo's Catch of the Day

I think my owner has put me on a diet. I overheard her on the phone saying that I had a fat tummy and speculating as to which of the stray cats had made me put on weight, what's that all about? I don't understand the thought process there!


Anyway, there was no dinner for me this evening so I nipped out and treated myself to a mice takeaway, that'll show her.

Gizzie

Hataitai - movie trailer

IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHERE THE VIDEO WENT

Y O U T U B E PULLED THE PLUG ON IT - THEY GOT TOO SCARED ?

While we try and bring it back please enjoy this video of Ade y Maria swimming in Beer ...

Starring
Marieta Carnivore Montangne
&
Ade

Aunty Mel kidnapped

Shocking events unfolded in Ulpster yesterday evening as Aunty Mel was kidnapped by what is reputed to be a 20 foot tall tardigrade. According to eyewitnesses the whole ground shook with the footsteps of the giant beast as it stomped across the fields in the direction of ie Cairn o' Get carrying Aunty Mel in its clutches. Lobsterman Davie managed to take this photo of the approaching creature minutes before it disappeared over the horizon taking Aunty Mel with it.

Aunty Mel played god with nature

Opinion is divided on this incident, with some experts believing that Mel has continued her experiments on these creatures in secret and discovered the gene that normally surpresses their growth. If this is true then she probably played god and tampered with the gene in an experiment now gone horribly wrong. Others believe the neepie docker David from Lypster may have created a growth hormone in his shed and infected this tardigrade with it. Some nutty conspiracy theorists even speculate that Mel has created this tardigrade deliberately with the intention of using it to demolish a local windfarm which has been constructed on the hill fort.

Conspiracy, three aunties disappear in one week

After the disappearance of 3 aunties within the space of a week; First Val being swallowed whole by a sea cucumber, then Wendy sucked into the sky by aliens and now this tardigrade kidnapping - many people are beginning to wonder if these events can be regarded as coincidence or is something more sinister going on? The only surviving aunty, Aunty Linden is said to be concerned about the situation.

Ulpster Windfarm Shock

We were recently alerted to the prospect of a Windfarm destroying the peaceful walks at Ulpster. No one could have believed how quickly things have progressed. Our roving photographer Matt the Hat has brought us some disturbing photographs which we publish as a warning of what can happen through inactivity or lethargy.

With the recent spate of Auntie disasters, we decided to speak to Auntie Mel, who initially alerted us to the problem, while she was still contactable. Unfortunately when we visited her at Ulpster we found she was almost incoherent with only short spells of lucidity. When asked about the appearance of the windmills she stared blankly for a very long time and then started moaning the word "windmills" over and over again before saying, "Eeee, when Gus gets back from his search for the Faraway Tree he'll be devastated", she then lapsed into her monotone drone of "windmills" over and over again.

We then spoke to a local resident Chaimig and got more sense from him. "It really is a disgrace", he said, "You can see them from hundreds of millimetres". These windmills are an anathema, they totally disrupt the tranquility of the unspoilt views over Ulpster, this area was as close to Nirvana as you could find, I just don't know why they allow it."

People, it's not too late, we at the Churnal urge you to take a proactive stance before they cover the whole area. Speak to your MP, speak to your Councillor, if you're local to Ulpster speak to Chaimig.

Aunty Wendy Abducted... By Aliens!

It has been reported that Aunty Wendy has been abducted by aliens at some point between 2 and 5 AM today.

The alarm had been raised after a passing motorist saw what he described to be a “woman being sucked up into a large round thing in the sky”.

He took this photograph with his camera phone:

A full scale investigation has been launched with every policeman in Caithness being brought in to help, with both of them working around the clock.

The abduction may or may not have something to do with the mysterious “death lab” that is alleged to be hidden inside David’s shed. He had the following to say on the subject:

“My lab – err workshop – has nothing to do with Wendy’s disappearance. It’s got nothing to do with any o yee what goes on in there. Oh aye, the recent bout of freak electrical storms isolated to Lypster are also nothing to do with me. Now go away or I’ll get yee with ma ray gun!”

This comes just weeks after the disappearance of Aunty Val, who was swallowed whole by a giant sea anemone.

Secret Identity of Spiderman revealed

Ie Ulpster Churnal has at last unmasked that mysterious wall-crawling creature 'the amazing spiderman'. Matt the Hat, our new churnal photographer, has pulled out all the stops and captured some of the most intimate moments in Spidey's life recently. As seen here exclusively for ie churnal we can reveal that Spiderman is none other than Aaron!



Unlike Aaron's fictional counterpart, comic book hero Peter Parker, who was bitten by a radioactive spider - our real life Spidey, aka Aaron aka 'the binkey' is thought to have acquired his extraordinary powers as an awkward young teen, when he started eating everyday household spiders. Spidey is also rumoured to have the power to transform himself into a loggerhead turtle.

We interviewed Aaron earlier this morning and he told us that 'with great power comes great geekiness', a valuable lesson he learned from his Great Uncle Peter. Enigmatically Aaron paused for a moment and then said in a quiet voice almost to himself, "there is no spoon"

Next week we will turn our investigations into just who is the incredible hulk ? ...

SITUATIONS VACANT

Agony Aunt
This post is for a 6 month contract to cover maternity leave, please use discretion, we haven't told Maria yet. Applicants should be able to read and write preferably simultaneously (any language acceptable). Flexible hours. Pay nada, non negotiable. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC1


Sports Editor
Due to Sunderlands promotion to the Premier league we have sacked our anti-Sunderland correspondant Naomi, we are now seeking a pro Sunderland commentator. Applicants for this post should have excellent playing experience in 'Aussie Rules Tennis'. As usual a knowledge of football manager (Kevin Thoms version) will be regarded favourably. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC2


Photographer
The churnal requires someone with a flair for photography to consistently produce the goods with top drawer snaps of newsworthy events. Such as discovering the secret identities of superheros. Whether employed on a permanent contract or on a freelance basis you can expect to be paid in the region of zilch. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC3


Personnel Manager
As we do not currently have a personnel manager to deal with the flood of expected applications, we are looking to also employ a personnel manager. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC4. Try not to favour your own application unfairly or get caught in any never ending loops, sending and receiving your own application.

Aunty Val eaten by a giant sea anenomea

Rumours that auntie Val has been eaten by a giant sea anemone just off the Aberdeenshire coast have not yet been confirmed. It is thought that if she had been eaten, that the sea anemone in question must have been one of the largest specimens yet recorded, if it has been recorded. (If it has been recorded has not yet been recorded). However, a monster such as this one would need a mouth up to a meter in diameter and stinging tentacles up to 3 meters in length or something according to our churnal estimates.

Marine Biologist tells us this anemone was a giant

As ever our top marine biologist Mel Sprite was on hand to enlighten us further, "The biggest sea anemones I've seen are only about about a couple of inches in diameter at the most, certainly the ones in British waters." she explained, "It is highly doubtful such an anemone exists capable of eating an entire person ye knaa. If one has eaten my sister as you say, then it must have been a giant." Mel Sprite then howled and broke down sobbing, eventually whispering in a choked up voice, "ow I bit my toungue."

Images show Auntie Val being eaten

We are keeping our fingers crossed that these rumours turn out to be false however other circumstantial evidence does not give us much hope. Take for example this image we've created using clever graphics manipulation. It clearly shows a person such as auntie Val being eaten by an enormous sea anemone, we can only conclude that such an occurrence is not only possible but in fact probable. If anyone has any updates on this situation we'd appreciate being informed.

Aaron Smell - Churnal Reporter