Aussie Rules Tennis

Aussie rules tennis is a game for all the family to play, and requires no expensive equipment at all! Instead of tennis balls and racquet, each player just needs a sphincter and some home made methane.

Scoring is exactly the same as for normal tennis (eg. 15 – Love; 30 – Love; 30 – 15 etc.) and is usually played over a single set, due to the arduous and taxing nature of the extreme effort required.

Rules

1. Each point must be detectable by the opponent, or independent witness – this can be by the audible volume or smell of the “shot”.

2. Any fart which has lumps in is classed as a foul shot and does not score.

3. Any player with ‘runs’ is disqualified – that’s Aussie rules cricket.

Playing Tips

• When playing in a crowded restaurant or pub where your opponent may not be able to hear your shot, try to ensure that someone adjacent to you is made aware of the point. Their visual or verbal disgust will ensure that the point is ‘detectable’ and consequently scores.
• Playing in a swimming pool or bath adds a visual aspect to point scoring with the bubbles produced.
• It is possible to ‘ace’ a game by careful arse control; noisily squeezing a series of individual points from a single large bowel-full of gas. (This technique is a must for any serious competition).
• Preparation for a match is a personal thing. For myself, I find that curry for lunch followed by curry for tea is good preparation for an early evening kick-off, but I know of other players who swear by dried dates or roast beef.

The top prize in Aussie Rules Tennis is the ‘Golden Ring’ trophy, (affectionately known as the ‘rusty bullet hole’). It is won by beating all-comers at infrequent family get-togethers.

Ade Fell
New Zealand Welterweight Aussie Rules Tennis Champion 2006-7