The Ulpster Open

At last the Final is upon us - Aaron versus Tony
Live commentary once again from Joan and Nims

Nims - You could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife today, in fact I wish someone would it stinks a bit in here.

Joan - Yes both finalists have been warming up backstage, which would account for the wiff. I notice you've let a few off too Nims, Don't think I didn't notice.

Nims - Ahem... oh here comes Aaron. He's first into the arena, he looks very focused and is muttering to himself... And now comes Tony, he's being quite literally dragged into the arena by Eswyl and Jonathon.

Joan - The referee today is Mel Sprite who lowers a white hanky signalling the start of the match. Straight away Tony squawks, "This room is an FF__" but before he has even finished uttering the words Aaron has guffed a stinkbomb into Tony's face. I think Aaron has done his homework on this opponent. That was some toxic release!

Nims - Meanwhile, Tony has let off a fart in return although I think that was in fright more than anything else but Aaron releases an amazing volley of well controlled and distinct farts and takes the first set, 6:1

Joan - Wait, don't speak too soon, the referee is waving her hanky around. Something has happened. There seems to be some confusion. I don't believe it she has given the first two sets to Tony!!! Apparently his pump consisted of at least 200 mini-pumps, enough to easily give him the first two sets. Tony is winning 6:1 6:love

Nims - Unbelievable! Now both players are facing off at the start of a tense third set. There is a moment of silence but suddenly Jonathon and Eswyl who are standing in the front row of the crowd start waving their hands in front of their faces saying 'poo' and looking pointedly in Tony's direction. The referee signals in Tony's favour, these shows of verbal disgust count as points. Meanwhile Aaron, who has let off another fine healthy fart gets a point deducted for farting before play has resumed.

Joan - Oh dear we don't need this a streaker has just ran across the auditorium letting off a fart of her own. In fact it is Aunty Aimee. Oh dear there's no need for this. The noble sport of Aussie rules tennis does not need to be degraded this way.

Nims- Well its just a bit of fun I'm sure. Look suddenly a wave of unforseen confidence has overcome Tony and he leaps towards Aaron like a ninja, releasing a tremendous burst of farts in the process. Quick as a flash Aaron retaliates with his own gaseous emissions. But the referee is waving her hanky. Tony has won!

No-one would have predicted this at the start of the tournament.
Tony is the Ulpster Open champion!