Truthful Tony - Myth Debunker

I think the others have all gone now so it's time for me to claim the Churnal for myself and transform it into the serious publication it should always have been.

Right, let's get down to business. Issue number one on my list is the prevalence of conspiracy theories being perpetuated and amplified by the World Wide Web. Take a smattering of half truths, a sprinkling of selectively chosen facts, half bake it for an unspecified time and boomshanka... anyone can become a renowned pseudo scientist. This shite is tainting real science and harming the reputations of genuine renowned scientists such as myself (O'Grade Science, 1967).

UNFOUNDED PISH

Recently it came to my attention that aliens are supposedly going to show up at the 2012 Olympic Games. This will usher in a new era for the NWO who will create a new religion uniting all the religions of the world, thus gaining full world domination when the Mayan long count calender comes to it's end.

Utter unfounded pish and I will tell you why...

I was rocking out, well, rocking on my chair in my sun lounge watching the beautiful windmills recently installed on the rolling hills near my house when I notice that the positioning of the turbines made them look a little bit like elevens. Now my son is twelve and my youngest grandchild is one, [12-1=11] and my two eldest grandchildren are eight and three, [8+3=11]. Spooky huh?

Time for some research. Querying google for "interesting facts about number eleven", then selecting the eleventh link brought up a video about, yep you guessed it, eleven. Well, bugger me if it wasn't as dull as Liverpool FC and pretty soon my thoughts had drifted over to the mighty Man City and their eleven goals scored against Utd this season. After several minutes I reached over for my mouse so that I could close the browser window and happened to glance at the time bar, I was dumbfounded... 33minutes 33seconds!

That is six elevens, from which you can form two pyramids of elevens, which can be dismantled and laid out to form four pyramids (see diagram 11), which got me to thinking about the four pyramids of the etheric life.

You will note that elevens have ones in them and as we all know the first pyramid of etheric life is Magnetic, which is what aliens use to propel their crafts (magnetism), which led me to think about the eleven planetary bodies in our solar system.

Now here is the really interesting bit, the Quran categorically stated that there were eleven planets in our solar system waaay before astronomers and scientists knew so. So, I went to chapter eleven of the Quran and counted eleven characters left from the bottom right and to my amazement the character looked like it had wee wings with a wee blob flying over it.

CONCLUSIVE PROOF

Conclusive proof that alien Muslims destroyed the twin towers (which looked like an eleven) because the royal/elite lizardy dudes running the world are actually their historical alien enemies from eleven thousand years ago (incidentally, notice the 'li' in lizard is also an eleven).

That got me to thinking, what could they want with earth? What is there most of on earth that is unique to earth? Water... salt water... salt has Sodium in it... Sodium is the eleventh element in the periodic table.

So at the end of the long count Mayan calendar Dec 21, 2012... [(2-1)-(2-0)= -1 +12 = 11] at 11:11am there will be an almighty alien Muslim lizard battle, culminating in all our sodium being taken back to planet eleven... or something... and we'll have no salt to put on our fresh water fish suppers for the rest of our days.

So to all you conspiracy loonies, get your grubby faces out your stinky bong pipes and wake up to the fact that there are NO conspiracies, just simple explanations as I have shown. Two multiplied by five does not equal eleven you dumbshits.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Russion Revolution - New Theory

For years historians have debated the causes of the Russian revolution, usually attributing it mainly to the intransigence of Tzar Nikolas, the weak and inefficient system of government, and lesser contributing factors such as the discontent of the peasants who were unhappy with their lot.

Local historian Mr D Mackay (87), from Vik, a town near Ulpster, has studied the period in question extensively and has an alternative theory.

"In the early 1900's Vik was the premier herring fishing port in Europe, supplying the Russian peasants with their staple diet of herring," he explained, "Now I ask you, wouldn't you revolt if you were forced to live on a diet of herring alone?"

"It could be argued that Vik was the prime cause of the Russian revolution." he continued.

Mr Mackay, a historian and former CIA operative is, we believe, perfectly positioned to make these claims and the Churnal is proud to be able to confirm that his theory is indeed correct, probably.

A Star is Born

This years Nativity play at the Booer School saw the emergence of a new acting sensation.

Jonathan's portrayal of 'Grandad' had the audience spellbound. In a vain attempt at modesty, Jonathan said, "Of course, as I was taking part in the play, I was unable to watch it, and so could not possibly comment on how great I was."

His mother was more enthusiastic saying, "Although I am totally unbiased, I can honestly say I have never seen Grandad portrayed so accurately, the only thing missing was a complaint about lumpy soup."

Sir John Gielgud himself would have said something along the lines of, "Better than myself at a similar age," probably.

founder member of the churnal speaks out

"i'm sick of all this nonsense about the churnal being finished. It is simply not true end ay fuckin story " said Aaron, founder member of the churnal, earlier this year.

End ay fuckin story

"There is some truth in the rumours about there being almost no stories being published though." he continued", a fact born out by the churnal archives which show very little posts for months on end. Aaron then picked a blade of grass and started making loud noises by holding it between his thumbs and blowing hard. Everytime we tried to ask more questions he blew louder. Then we left.

earthquake rocks ulpster

An earthquake rocked Ulpster in the early hours of this morning. Earthquake victim Matt Bigback who got caught in the middle of it had this to say, "eeee why aye ah was in ulpster when it geat happened and shite like that, and then suddenly I didn't really feel anything at all man. funnily enough i foundout later that was when it had happened like."

Emminent geologist Angus McFungus had a rather different and sobering view on the earthquake that hit Ulpster this morning. "I was pottering around in my lab chipping off a few bit of stones from a fossil fish i nabbed from Wendy and David's garden. Suddenly I felt a sensation so powerful it was almost detectable by a human being. I 'felt' it through my graphometer device which draws little wiggles on a bit of paper when wobles. I measured the peaks of the wobbles and found out that the earthquake had a magnitude and an epicentre and all that stuff.

We'll bring you more details as we find them. Please let us know any of your own experiences of this devastaing quake.

Splat champions interviewed

The churnal has delved deep the clique underworld of Splat, a game which originated on the sinclair spectrum. We have proudly located the two most prominent champions that have ever existed in the entire world. The formidable ADEYPOOP and the mysterious AF. These two players burst onto the scene in 2006 and still dominate the entire Top 10 of world record scores having dethroned Stompy and Kenty on their way to glory. Formerly favorite cousins, Adeypoop and AF are reputed to hate each others guts now the rivalry is so strong.

We spoke to AF first who told us of his anguish at being dethroned on that fateful day of 12 Oct 2006. "I don't want to talk about it" he said and turned his face away from us whilst sighing heavily. AF's skin glistened with sweat and emotion as finally he opened up like a river overflowing its banks. "I had been the champion ever since the 4th May 2006 when I reached level 23 and atained my score of 60690, STOMPY didn't know what hit him as my score totally blew him out of the water. Stompys' best was level 18 I think, it was one of the best times of my life when I reached number 1." Aaron was silent for a moment then continued... "That bastard, that fucking bastard! he was practising constantly and I never thought he'd do it but then he fucking well did and by that point I couldn't be arsed logging into Windows to play it anymore ...." AF turned away, the clock on the mantlepiece suddenly seeming to tick loudly in the uncomfortable silence that followed. Eventually Aaron broke the silence by muttering something about hating Microsoft and then started singing a little song he'd made up about Ubuntu.

Adeypoop, the reigning splat champion of the world was harder to track down having buggered off to the other side of the world but we did manage to get him on skype one morning. 'Every time i got close to his score that wee bugger seemed to pull another big one out the bag' said Ade whistfully, ' by big I mean really huge you know?' , Ade's kiwi accent sounded quite strong which surprised us. We couldn't tell at times what words he was saying for example he was pronouncing the vowels all wrong like saying beer feet instead of bare feet. Ade elaborated, "Then one day everything just seemed right and I went for it and I acheived it". Ade smiled a big smug grin and drank a large vodka martina shaken but not stirred in one gulp.

So what is in the future for these two giants of the computer world? Is there any truth in the rumours of a reunion playing Kick Off2? Aaron was quite frank in his response, 'I've moved on, yes splat is a proud part of my history, yes it hurts that adeypoop beat me, but i can hammer him at manic miner, TLL, assault cube... so he can fuck off. And I used to beat him as England versus Scotland in Kick Off2. He can have splat but I'll take everything else.

It was hard to tell what ade was saying due to all the jumbled up pronouciations but it seemed like he was bragging that noone will ever beat his score which has now stood for several years. Maybe he is right?

At this point Tony piped up, "I'm number one at the Atari ST version of Joust, the high score table i pinned on the wall next to my computer is conclusive proof."

You can see the current world splay highscore table by following this link - http://www.dbhut.com/splat.php

Ade's Philosophy Column

It's been a while, but I've been thinking about Descarte a lot recently, which according to his philosophy means I am. But what if I only think that I'm thinking about Descarte? does this mean that in reality I'm not or does it mean that I only think I am, or that I think I'm not. If I think I'm not that may in fact mean that I am.

If I think I am purely because I'm thinking am I not when I go to sleep? There again, if I think I'm not, does this mean I am, because I'm thinking or am I only thinking this?

I hope this has cleared things up for the plebs out there, I will deliberate more and keep the Churnal posted ..... OUCH! ..... I bit me bliddy tongue

Brown Medal

This years Ulpster Open was rather overshadowed by the Bejing Olympics however we can tell you that the brown medal has gone to Matty. Congratulations Matt. The runner up, Aaron shat his pants in the final and was therefore eliminated.



Pictured, left, Matt holding aloft the trophy and right, Aaron, who shat his pants

Tony's star discovered

Hello readers, welcome back to Ie churnal. Apologies for the recent absence of new content in this popular blog. I feel that I should explain the cause of this... you see what happened was our sinclair spectrum power supply suffered an irreparable hardware failure (after Natty conducted another of his experiments). Anyway to cut a long story short, we've been waiting for a replacement to appear in the Wick auctions for quite some time now which has taken rather longer than expected. However I'm delighted to say I finally found one last Wednesday and outbid everyone including Wullie Sinclair and Chaimig to get hold of one for the princely sum of 25 quid and 17 pence.

I managed to get some ace games bundled in with it too 'Ant attack' and 'Horace goes skiing', hows that for a bargain!!!! I'm afraid the acquisition of those games also explains the extra delay of a few days since I got the power supply fitted. Ow vow i'd forgotten how addictive Horace goes skiiing is!

Anyway of course its me your very own Toney McFellman ( recently appointed astronomer royale of Bower, Wick and the surrounding areas including Ulpster but excluding Lypster, Dunbeath and Latheron Wheel who still fall within Ade's juristiction). Anyway, I'm extremely proud to bring to the churnal some exciting news from the very cusp of Astronomy in a rare scoop for ie churnal.

I, Tony Fellman, have managed to discover a brand new star. I have consulted that guy off telly who wears a monocle and he agrees with me! At least I think it was him, anyway I'm sure 'new scientist' will soon be contacting me for an interview. But remember you heard it here first! I have to say I'm very proud of my discovery as I managed to spot it with my naked eye. I was using the refraction of the light bending right around the earth through the air in order to observe the southern skies above New Zealand when I suddenly noticed a star I hadn't seen before. It was quite faint and a sort of twinkling white colour. By counting the twinkles I have been able to estimate that the star has at least 8 Jupiter sized gas giants orbiting around it. Anyway, I shall keep you up to speed with any further observations I manage to observe.

Tony
x

Ade Missing!

Our resident nerd Ade is missing. He was last spotted in Glasgow early last week and is presumed lost. Aaron has been quoted as saying, "Yeah, i slept in and never got to say bye" and all Aden had to say was, "I miss my uncle Ade".

Aden has knocked up a quick sketch of him so if any of our readers spot him please contact us at the usual address. We are worried sick.

scientists baffled

An unusual artifact pictured below has been causing some debate amongst the scientific community in Glanton of late. It seems no-one can agree on the strange engravings found in this unusual aritifact.

We managed to persuade the two biggest intellectual heavyweights of the churnal to meet us and give their opinions. Natty Inkspoon spoke authoritatively, 'to me it is obviously some kind of bar stool in which have been engraved the face of a giant panda, I imagine this could be linked to the WWF, which is a federation of endangered animals throughout the galaxy. However without being able to take a spectral analysis of this stool sample I cannot be sure.'

However Professor David Makay disagreed saying, I can see two eyes and a nose sure but I don't think the animal in question is a panda, no no no. This is not meant to be taken literally, however what is sure is that the stool was crafted by some sort of ancient civilisation possibly even more advanced than our own.

However just as the debate was hotting up in walked Sun Journalist Jim wearing his kilt and snatched the chair away, 'get off my stool' he said elbowing Natty out the way and sitting down. 'Mine's a pint of best bitter' he elaborated.

Matt vs The World

Ah've noticed that ah lot of mah Churnal colleagues huv delusions of world domination and ah huv just one question...

When is it mah turn? When do ah get to rule the world? Well, that time is NOW and ah'm not gonna fanny aboot with cryogenics or any o' that pap!

Ah'm gonna do it the reet propa way, with 15 minute keyboard solos and endless guitar widdling fused with the music of the people, Hip-Hop. Ah call it Prog-Hop and it's gonna rock you sideways. We even have a new exciting dance, "The Prog-Hop Frog Hop".

Ade was the first to sign up for me band, I mean who can forget his Hip-Hop classics from the early ninetys? The now legendary "Nursery Raps" including the politically charged "Bah, Bah, Black Cloud of Injustice Above a Sheep" and of course the block-busting "Gus' Cookery Rap" are just a small part of a CV which make MnM look like a Smartie.

Uncle Jimmy was quick to follow suit proclaiming that he could widdle with best of them given enough beer. And that is not all! I can exclusively reveal that ah'm at an advanced stage in talks with Tony about bringing in his legendary "Giant Chicken Eating Frog" as official band choreographer.

With me band in place ah gave mah heros, Stock, Aitken and Waterman first dibs on the band but they got scared and said they couldn't fit my extended keyboard solos into their trademark 3 minute pop masterpieces, so they're not mah heros any more. Tits!

But nehva fear, we don't need to be part of the machine. If the Arctic Monkeys can get so huge with their unoriginal brand of re-hashed pop-punk wazz using only MySpace, then I, "MC Monkey Mackam and his Progressive Magpies" can RULE THE WORLD!

WATCH THIS SPACE!

Dear Miriam

We tried to locate Aimee er Miriam but she was still frozen in carbonite after dastardly Natty 's suspended animation experiment went horribly successfully. Galantly, Natty himself has offered to step into the agony aunt role for this occasion, while we try to recover Miriam.

Auntie Aimee,

I have stinky cheese under the corner of my big toe nail. I managed to gouge some out with the end of a kitchen knife the other day, which brings me to my problem... Now I'm wondering should I wash the knife or go and chat on the internet leaving the knife on the bench next to the cheeseboard?

Yours Katie Inkleston

Katie thats very interesting. Your problem is important to us. Please call again. - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've searched the five continents and the seven oceans, metaphorically at least, looking for the answer I seek. I've written to every blog on the internet, well that might be an exageration, including this one several times (thats not an exaggeration), and I've phoned every telephone number listed in my husbands phone book but the answer I seek is still not apparent to me. I'd be a fool to give up now after all this searching. Don't fob me off with any shite, I NEED that answer. I need it bad.

yors E. Kay

I'd like to answer your question with one of my own if I may? - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've got to be honest I'm addicted to Theasurus's. Whenever I see one I get absorbed, accustomed, attached, dedicated and dependent on it. Some might say devoted, disposed, fanatic or fond. However really I'm 'given over' or 'given to' them. You know? I'm habituated, hooked on, hyped with them. Please help me with my imbued, inclined, obsessed, predisposed, prone, spaced out, strung out obsession with Theasurus's

Yours in aggravation, anger, annoyance, besetment, bother, botheration, displeasure, exacerbation, fury, ire, irritant, irritation, nuisance, passion, pest, pique, plague, provocation, rage, resentment, vexation and wrath

Jonathon

Hmmm.... Next!, Nat

Dear Miriam,

I just don't know where else to turn. I was at my uncle Jimmy's house
and I had the most fantastic Chedder. It had a sort of earthy, farty
after taste to it. Jim is keeping his sources close to his chest and
insisting that it was just normal 99p shop Chedder :( Please help me
experience this delicacy again, I'm going off my head thinking about it.

Hungrily Yours,

Matty Big Back.

The only place I've ever tasted that cheese is in Jim's house, Nat

Dear Miriam,

You're a plant.

Regards, Sarracenia Hybrid

No, you're a plant.

Dear Miriam,

This Valentines Day I was running a bit short on inspiration so I had a
look back to Ade's Valentines guide from last year. It was a rousing
success but my gonads are still stinging some two weeks on.

Aunty Linden.

yeah I know what you mean, if you know what I mean *wink*

Dear Miriam,

My wife just popped through to the kitchen and now I've lost me baby.
What'll ah dee? Maria is gonna kill me!

Luv Ade x

who cares you muppit!!! Look you may be lucky or you may not. Try replacing the baby with a slug or smooth brochin, maybe your wife wont notice.

Dear Miriam

Where is Ulpster? Is it near Ulbster?

Thanks, G. Eographer

If you turn left at whaligoe you fall in the sea if that helps

Dear Miriam,

I took my we'an Aden doon tae the park, last I saw the wee beggar wiz playin wae the ducks. Noo ah cannae find yon bairn. Whit'll ah dae?

Aaron

Good god, we're getting them all this week, I can see why Miriam turned this gig down. Sort yourself out you plank!

Dear Miriam

I have a very short attention span. What can I do to

Dear whatever, finally a serious problem to diagnose. Ooo look I just found a bit of sweetcorn between my teeth. Did you listen to radio 2 this afternoon?

Dear Miriam

What happened to Aimee?

Regards

Confused Reader

Er I do not know! I wish I could help with the answer to your question er I think she er popped out or something... Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.

Mad Matt's Music

Murder! Murder in the garden!

Little Henry (8) has had his head removed, by none other than Miss Cynthia Jane De Blaise-William (9). Her weapon of choice: a croquet mallet.

Strangely, the beheading of Henry was not enough to completely end his existence on earth…

Two weeks later, in his old nursery, Miss Cynthia sat playing in Henry’s old nursery, when she found his old musical box. She opened it, and not only did she hear the tune of “Old King Cole”, but she got the fright of her life as Henry jumped out of the box. He’d been given a second chance.

Henry began to change. He was still the size of a boy but he began to grow older, his hair greyed, his skin wrinkled and a grey beard appeared.

The aged boy’s mind raced as the thoughts, dreams and desires of a lifetime passed through his mind in seconds. He turned to Cynthia with a wicked grin on his face. She screamed as he ran towards her, but the nurse, who had heard the racket from the next room, ran into the room. The grabbed the musical box and threw it at the bearded child, destroying him, as well as the box.

Genesis may be known for their ape-like drummer/lead singer, one Phillip Collins, but back in the obscure 1970s there was a strange man by the name of Peter, who wrote strange and dark stories and translated them into haunting songs. One album of such songs is Nursery Cryme.

The strange horrific theme continues in the album with a song about a giant plant that attacks the human race in revenge for taking it from its native Russia, and a song about a mountain spring that causes anyone who goes into the water to become half man and half woman.

There is no apparent evidence of hidden messages, satanic or otherwise. After all, there’s enough evil when played forwards. There is however evidence to suggest that there is a grain of truth in the latter story. Although apparently based on Greek mythology, we at Ie Churnal have found that instead of some pool in Greece the spring may actually be Ulpster’s own peat bog.

As you may have read recently Dr Natty Inkspoon fell into said bog, and froze. He has since been thawed out, and has developed strange lumps on his chest, similar to boobs. Our team of breast experts (basically all of us at Ie Churnal) have confirmed that they are in fact real, and not implants.

And the morals of the stories? Don’t fall in Ulpster peat bog, don’t take plants from Russia, and certainly don’t decapitate your playmates with a croquet mallet.

War!

War has broken out between China and New Zealand! The reasons for this outbreak of WAR is still unclear although political commentators are having a field day speculating on the reasons for this conflict.

One popular theory is that the simmering and still unresolved dispute on the naming of the fruit popularly known as 'chinkwifruberries' in neutral territories has once again erupted with the chinese refusing to backdown despite international pressure and continue to call these fruits chinese gooseberries.

Tonyf rubbished this idea, "I remember this was all resolved amicably some time ago I can't see any reason this would have become a problem."

Aaron agreed adding, "I've been channel hopping between CNN and BBC World for the past 12 hours and not seen a single mention of this war, either the chinese have hushed it up or something even more sinister is going on."

Thankfully at present there are no sign of any hostilities in this war however it could escalate rapidly. you heard it here first.

Churnal Staff in suspended animation experiment accident

My dear readers, I must apologise for this lull in the flow of articles, but there is a reason, and a big one at that.

At the end of December 2007 Dr Natty Inkspoon invited the staff to a “Staff Christmas Party”. Not wanting to miss out on the fun we all made our way down to the place of the meeting – Ie Cairn o Get.

Waiting for us was a large metal silo-like building inside the cairn. A general murmur of confusion was all any of us could utter before being shot in the bums with tranquilliser darts. This is as much as I can tell you, but Prof David Mackay has been able to fill in the blanks for us.

After being knocked out Dr Natt took us into the chamber, and began to freeze us by injecting the Caithness wind into the chamber through a hole in the base. We were about to become part of Scotland’s first cryogenics project. Prof Mackay saw this from his lair in the hills and swooped down on his jetpack, lightsaber at the ready.

The two intellectuals did battle. Dr Natt seemed a dead cert to win, when all of a sudden he lost his footing and fell into the peat bog, freezing instantly.

The prof managed to get us out of the chamber, but it has taken almost two full months to thaw us all out properly.

An internal investigation is underway, and Dr Natt has been suspended temporarily.

Aden's philosophy column

The other day I was thinking about my pearls of wisdom and stuff and I thought, I could do a much better job of philosophy than that turkey Ade. So I've decided to set my pearls of wisdom to the side for now and do my first fully fledged philosophy column.

Now just suppose for a moment that a black hole's event horizon encloses a volume, and more massive black holes have larger event horizons and enclose larger volumes. The most massive black hole which can fit in a given region is the one whose event horizon corresponds exactly to the boundary of the given region. Are you with me so far?

Ok good, so then greater mass entails greater entropy. Therefore the maximal limit of entropy for any ordinary region of space is directly proportional to the surface area of the region, not its volume.

Ah ha, I hear you say "This is counter-intuitive because entropy is an extensive variable, being directly proportional to mass, which is proportional to volume (all else being equal, including the density of the mass)".

However! And this is the clever bit. If the entropy of ordinary mass (not just black holes) is also proportional to area, then this implies that volume itself is somehow illusory: that mass occupies area, not volume, and so the universe is really a hologram which is isomorphic to the information "inscribed" on its boundaries

Ha! Take that Ade!!!

The secret anguish of Jim Inkleton

Uncle Jim has always seemed to be a carefree type, with his trademark lopsided toothy grin and his chirpy banter, his foppish hairstyle and his trendy selection of vynil records. Even his garlic breath and enormous foetid big toe seems to have done little to dampen his spirits. However the churnal has learned of the hidden anguish of uncle Jim. We spoke to him recently ...

I used to eat most things as a young lad, I'd eat sprouts, liver the lot you know. Pate smothered thick on a big rivita biscuit. Kidney and kidney beans. I'd even eat peas pudding for christ sake. There was only one thing I don't like was butter beans. But was I allowed to leave them on the side of the plate. Was I buggery!

Jim shuddered as he recalled this painful memory, his shoulders drooping and his head sinking as he continued...

My ma used to force me to eat them you know but I hated them really. The one food I hated but I had to eat it! My sisters were horrible they used to laugh at the look of revulsion and distaste on my face as I ate my butter beans. Its really a combination of the taste and the texture that I dislike really, I mean come on. Why? Why did I have to eat them? Even now Anne puts them on my plate hidden amongst all the other veggies. She thinks I don't notice but I do. I just hide them behind the sideboard. She hasn't noticed yet.

Jim's face brightened up as he thought about the stash of butter beans behind the sideboard and his devious avoidance of the detested dish, but then another thought seemed to cross his mind and his shoulders once again slumped as he started talking again in a despondent tone of voice.

I've got to go round for dinner on Sunday to my ma. Whats the bets its beef, tatties and butter beans. Christ I hope not! Oh man, its the way they have that squishy interior, i can't describe it they are shit. Why can't they leave me alone?

Jim's autobiography can be purchased from selected stores at a cost of one pound ninety nine pence.

Update

Its been brought to our attention that there was a slight inaccuracy in our Peace Talks story which was reported recently. It seems there was a minor typo, where it said Aaron it should have read Ade. Although this is quite an easy mistake to make and very minor we have nevertheless sacked our secretary for this outrageous and clumsy error. We had no intention of getting rid of our vice resident or of misleading our readers. Of course Ade had to go now that the true leader of the churnal has been reinstated. Please accept out apologies for the error, we will strive to now get back to our previously high standards of journalism.

Sphagnum

Greetings earthlings, Dr Natty Inkspot of the united federation of space hoppers and intergalactic warfare tribunal here again. I'm just back from a trip in the delta quadrant actually. I tell you I love going there they have the best sphagnum moss in the galaxy. What happens is you light it up using a pipe like those ones you get on the planet earth in the 20th century. Take a couple of puffs and the next thing you know you are on a rocket ship to Mars I tell ya, floating around the place with really itchy ears. Amazing stuff, then you get cold sweats and finally black out. Amazing! On my next trip I'm gonna get some Gilliweed, I'll be sure to let you know what sort of a bang you get from that so stay tuned in.