Tony Deposed

It is with a feeling of relief, tinged with more than a little sadness, that I report today the ending of Tony's reign as the self-styled leader of ie Churnal. At approximately 14:10 today, Aaron (the spider eater), and I (the new leader), escorted Tony from the premises of the Churnal, allowing him only to take an already opened punnet of Chinkwi Fruberries with him. The locks have been changed and his access revoked.

Aaron and myself are therefore resuming our duties at ie Churnal so you can expect some more quality news stores in the near future. I would like to stress that this has nothing to do with the proposed buyout of the publication, and definitely not a vehicle to deprive Tony of his share, we both think it's unfortunate that he'll miss out on any windfall but there's nothing we can do about it.

Ade

Silver Wedding Party Scuffle

A scuffle very nearly broke out at a family gathering in Scarborough recently, the consequences of which could have been extremely serious. One of the guests apparently called Tony (also a guest at the party) a name!

Witness to the incident Nick Boutros said, "I could see the veins on Tony's temple throbbing, he was obviously very taken aback and I readied myself to intervene, luckily, Tony regained his composure remarkably quickly, I think I was the only one who noticed. After a tense moment or two, the guest retreated with no visible wounds." When asked what name Tony had been called, Nick refused to elucidate.

Ie Churnal reporter tracked Tony down to his hideaway near Ulpster and confronted him. At first he was evasive but eventually commented, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, all my life I've occasionally been called Steve, it's not a problem for me, but I could see that Nick was getting agitated and I was prepared to intervene but he quickly regained his composure."

All efforts by our reporter to find the errant guest failed, but we're still searching!

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 2

Last we heard, Roy was frantically searching round the shop looking for Tony...

As he disappeared behind a maroon chenille curtain an almighty scuffle broke out with lots of OWs, OOFs and THUDs. Suddenly Tony flew across the room and crashed into a display of buttons, scattering them like marbles. He got up muttering 'I'll show you, you damned dirty punk' before slipping dramatically on the buttons and landing heavily on his coccyx . In a frenzied rage, Tony lurched back behind the curtain. Another epic struggle ensued with Tony occasionally popping his head out only for Roy's hand to grab his neck and pull him back in. Finally, Roy's head appeared, primed to unleash a vicious head-butt.

It was looking bad, and we were fearing the worst for Tony when there was an almighty yowl! Out stumbled the leather-clad challenger clutching his eyes. 'Oi can't bleedin see', cried Roy, stumbling around blindly. As he veered towards the curtain again Tony's arm grabbed him by the neck and dragged him in to finish him off.

'Who's the daddy now', bellowed Tony. 'You can either scarper right now or I'll pin you down and make you say... Chelsea for the cup! The choice is yours'. Roy squeaked, 'Ok, ok... the Churnal is yours' before legging it unseen. A triumphant Tony stepped out and proudly announced, 'Roy's evil reign is over, you're free to talk non-punk related shite again!!'.

Jade piped up, 'Wot u wearing that cod-piece for?', to which Tony blustered, 'erm... I... err... It's a trophy... or something... yeah, a trophy'. Everyone wandered off tutting, looking at their watches and muttering about the pub opening soon.

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 1

The last few days have been quite unsettling here at the offices of Ie Churnal. As you are aware, our blog was hijacked by a rather unsavoury, leather codpiece-clad bloke going by the moniker Roy Anarchy. His assertion that Tony was a wuss seemed spot on as Roy's appearance coincided with our so-called leader vanishing in our time of need. Only Jonathan and new staff members Seamus and Maria were brave enough to defy Roy's new 'punk only' policy.

Uneasiness gave way to alarm when an eerie resemblance between Roy and Tony was noted. Also, whenever Roy left the office for a slash, Tony would appear, fists in the air shouting 'Put em uuuuup, p-huut em uuuuup' in a breathless, cartoonish way. This continued for much of Saturday but eventually by way of a flurry of post-it notes left by Tony and Roy, a time and a place to settle the matter was arranged... Noon on Sunday at the Ie Ulpster haberdashery.

Eager for a conclusion to this unpleasant episode, Ie Churnal staff and hordes of fans gathered inside the shop (OK, I exaggerate... Ie Churnal staff and Jade). Anyway, at 12 o'clock sharp Roy came bursting in through the back door... 'Where is heeee!! Oi'm gonna punch 'is teeth so far down 'is throat that he'll whistle when he farts', and with that started checking behind the drapes, curtains and rolls of fabric in search of Tony.

Did Tony turn up? Did he fight? Find out soon!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Enough is enough!

Roight! Can I have everyone's attention? OK you plebs, I've just about had enough of your so-called leader. Tony's tyrannical reign must end now! After he single handedly engineered the departure of Baeky, one of the original founders of Ie Churnal back in 1991, he promised an exciting new direction and a dramatic increase in readers.

From what I can see the Churnal has steadily gone downhill since that fateful day. What with stories about underpants and tardi-bloody-grades (what ever the fudd they are), flipping hell.... musical cats, trips to the local take-away? The list of wazz just goes on and on. I mean, what the chuffing fart happened to all the serious science and cookery columns? I'm sure everyone, like me, assumed the new direction would be to change this sorry blog into some sort of Punk Fanzine. Grrrrrrrrr! I think I'm going to blow my top.

Anyways, I'll get to my point, and yes I dare to say this.... I, Roy Anarchy, am your new leader. If you don't like it then I'll stuff your mouth full of my snotty hankies. I vow to turn Ie Churnal into the retro punk blog that the readers are crying out for. Look out for my first album review of 'The Simon and Garfunkel Collection' in the near future... and tell your friends or I'll rip your arms off and poke you in the face with the soggy ends.

Tony... if you want your beloved Churnal back then you'll have to fight me for it, I'll be here waiting for you, you brother of a butter knob! I won't be holding my breath mind as I suspect you're a chicken supreme.... buck, buck, buckaaaah!!!