Fight!

Hi readers, the dispute with the unamed disgruntled former staff member, reached new depths last night. I was on my way home from the pub last night with Ade. Matt and Aimee had left earlier. Then guess who showed up? Yes you guessed it Dad er Tony. Anyway to cut a long story short he'd had a bit too much to drink and was fuming over the fact that Ade and I are set to earn a fortune from the churnal whilst he gets none when we sell it. I think he'd been drinking bacardi breezers. He roared drunkenly and lurched across the street towards me, then grabbed me by the pony tail and pulled my hair hard. Naturally I grabbed his hair too. A bit less of it but I was able to get a handful and hold on for dear life. The harder he pulled my hair the harder I pulled his. I'm sure it must have been painfull for him because he was shouting 'ah stop stop stop please please'. Then I realised I was also shouting words to similar effect. So we made an agreement to both let go at the same time but after counting to 3 when the agreed moment came he didn't let go! The dirty shit. Well naturally I didn't let go either.

But then he did let go and started nipping me. Ade tried to intervene but before he could I started pinching Tony. If he can't take the medicine he shouldn't dish it out. So I gave him double medicine.

Anyway hopefully this is an end to the whole sorry state of affairs. We wish Tony all the best in his future endeavours.

Aaron

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 2

Last we heard, Roy was frantically searching round the shop looking for Tony...

As he disappeared behind a maroon chenille curtain an almighty scuffle broke out with lots of OWs, OOFs and THUDs. Suddenly Tony flew across the room and crashed into a display of buttons, scattering them like marbles. He got up muttering 'I'll show you, you damned dirty punk' before slipping dramatically on the buttons and landing heavily on his coccyx . In a frenzied rage, Tony lurched back behind the curtain. Another epic struggle ensued with Tony occasionally popping his head out only for Roy's hand to grab his neck and pull him back in. Finally, Roy's head appeared, primed to unleash a vicious head-butt.

It was looking bad, and we were fearing the worst for Tony when there was an almighty yowl! Out stumbled the leather-clad challenger clutching his eyes. 'Oi can't bleedin see', cried Roy, stumbling around blindly. As he veered towards the curtain again Tony's arm grabbed him by the neck and dragged him in to finish him off.

'Who's the daddy now', bellowed Tony. 'You can either scarper right now or I'll pin you down and make you say... Chelsea for the cup! The choice is yours'. Roy squeaked, 'Ok, ok... the Churnal is yours' before legging it unseen. A triumphant Tony stepped out and proudly announced, 'Roy's evil reign is over, you're free to talk non-punk related shite again!!'.

Jade piped up, 'Wot u wearing that cod-piece for?', to which Tony blustered, 'erm... I... err... It's a trophy... or something... yeah, a trophy'. Everyone wandered off tutting, looking at their watches and muttering about the pub opening soon.

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 1

The last few days have been quite unsettling here at the offices of Ie Churnal. As you are aware, our blog was hijacked by a rather unsavoury, leather codpiece-clad bloke going by the moniker Roy Anarchy. His assertion that Tony was a wuss seemed spot on as Roy's appearance coincided with our so-called leader vanishing in our time of need. Only Jonathan and new staff members Seamus and Maria were brave enough to defy Roy's new 'punk only' policy.

Uneasiness gave way to alarm when an eerie resemblance between Roy and Tony was noted. Also, whenever Roy left the office for a slash, Tony would appear, fists in the air shouting 'Put em uuuuup, p-huut em uuuuup' in a breathless, cartoonish way. This continued for much of Saturday but eventually by way of a flurry of post-it notes left by Tony and Roy, a time and a place to settle the matter was arranged... Noon on Sunday at the Ie Ulpster haberdashery.

Eager for a conclusion to this unpleasant episode, Ie Churnal staff and hordes of fans gathered inside the shop (OK, I exaggerate... Ie Churnal staff and Jade). Anyway, at 12 o'clock sharp Roy came bursting in through the back door... 'Where is heeee!! Oi'm gonna punch 'is teeth so far down 'is throat that he'll whistle when he farts', and with that started checking behind the drapes, curtains and rolls of fabric in search of Tony.

Did Tony turn up? Did he fight? Find out soon!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Enough is enough!

Roight! Can I have everyone's attention? OK you plebs, I've just about had enough of your so-called leader. Tony's tyrannical reign must end now! After he single handedly engineered the departure of Baeky, one of the original founders of Ie Churnal back in 1991, he promised an exciting new direction and a dramatic increase in readers.

From what I can see the Churnal has steadily gone downhill since that fateful day. What with stories about underpants and tardi-bloody-grades (what ever the fudd they are), flipping hell.... musical cats, trips to the local take-away? The list of wazz just goes on and on. I mean, what the chuffing fart happened to all the serious science and cookery columns? I'm sure everyone, like me, assumed the new direction would be to change this sorry blog into some sort of Punk Fanzine. Grrrrrrrrr! I think I'm going to blow my top.

Anyways, I'll get to my point, and yes I dare to say this.... I, Roy Anarchy, am your new leader. If you don't like it then I'll stuff your mouth full of my snotty hankies. I vow to turn Ie Churnal into the retro punk blog that the readers are crying out for. Look out for my first album review of 'The Simon and Garfunkel Collection' in the near future... and tell your friends or I'll rip your arms off and poke you in the face with the soggy ends.

Tony... if you want your beloved Churnal back then you'll have to fight me for it, I'll be here waiting for you, you brother of a butter knob! I won't be holding my breath mind as I suspect you're a chicken supreme.... buck, buck, buckaaaah!!!

Fight outside local kebab shop (cont)

Hi readers, its Aaron here ready to continue my honest account of the amazing fight I was lucky enough to witness recently, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim. I left off previously at a point where Uncle Nick was clinging around Uncle Jim's waist like a vicious Koala bear. Meanwhile Uncle Jimmy was staggering around causing the crowd to part in front of him as he lurched here and there.

It appeared that Jimmy was struggling with something in his hand, which I then saw was a pint of beer he was finishing off and must have taken out of the pub with him earlier. Finally he swigged down the last few dregs of beer, smashed the glass down on the pavement and then roared again, 'come aaan then ya baaastaaaaaahd!' and started blindly swinging his fists around but only connecting with air.

Jim then seemed to realise that his tormentor was actually clinging around his waist and not standing in front of him and aimed a punch directly at Uncle Nick's head. Unfortunately for Jim, Uncle Nick managed to dodge the punch which landed directly on Jim's own stomach. Groaning in agony Jim doubled up, at which point Uncle Nick finally released his grip and kicked Jimmy square in the shin.

Ever the sportsman, Uncle Nick then stood back to allow Uncle Jim time to regain his composure, which only took a few seconds. Jimmy lurched forwards and with amazing speed and accuracy managed to land a punch square on the side of Nick's head. For a moment Nick's knees wobbled and his eyes glazed over but he was able to recover quickly and land his own punch directly on Jimmy's groin. Uncle Jimmy squealed in agony and lashed out with a kick which connected beautifully with Uncle Nick's shin but the pain in Jim's groin from the hit he had taken previously was still causing him immense pain. Uncle Nick sensed his chance for victory and ducking and weaving landed a couple more straight jabs again to Jim's groin. This was too much for Jim who crumpled up in a heap clutching his crown jewels and moaning softly.

To be honest I was a bit disgusted by the way Jim had behaved in this fight, my suspicions appeared to be confirmed that he was a dirty fighter who fights like a girl, I went over to congratulate Nick who as always had behaved impeccably and bought him a pint to celebrate his impressive victory.

See part 1 here

Fight outside local kebab shop

By sheer good fortune, ie ulpster churnal has been lucky enough to witness an actual fight which happened late last night, outside the local kebab shop. One of our reporters, Aaron, happened to be walking past at the time and witnessed a crowd of people cheering as they looked on at some sort of scene developing in front of them. Of course our reporter's natural instinct was to run over there and push his way right to the front of the crowd, to see what all the fuss was about. This is what Aaron witnessed.

“I saw immediately that this looked like a real situation developing, you could sense it in the air like elecricity. But the thing that made me dizzy with shock was the realisation that I recognized one of the people involved! It was none other than Uncle Nick. He was raising both his hands in the air in a gesture of conciliation, and saying 'I don't want any trouble' but meanwhile advancing on the other figure, who had his back to me. As Nick reached the other figure he suddenly leapt up in the air. Almost in the style of a movie like the matrix, he appeared to pause in mid air momentarily before regaining momentum and landing on the other figure and clinging around his waist, using both arms and legs to hold on.

The other figure roared, 'aaal hav ye owt ye li'le baast' and spun around trying to shake off Uncle Nick, which was when the realisation hit me like a hammer. The other figure was none other than Uncle Jimmy! This was unbeleivable, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim, surely one of the best fights I could have dreamt of! Without being sure where my loyalties should lie I decided to either cheer them both on or goad either one of them as seemed appropriate at any given moment. I couldn't help but almost salivate at the prospect of what was to come, I had always imagined that Nick would be a fair fighter, in the mould of Queensbury Rules, whereas Jim would probably come out biting and pulling hair. But would this be the case? I couldn't wait to find out.

continued ...