Business News

Sources in the Oil and Petroleum Industry advised today that in spite of a recent increase in fuel duty, now is a very good time to replenish fuel stocks, citing historical precedent.

A business analyst who wanted to remain anonymous explained. "It's extremely unusual for fuel prices to come down in price and its likely that the price may increase. Therefore it seems logical that if your vehicle is nearing the empty mark on your fuel gauge you should refill as soon as possible.

Nick Boutros refused to rule out the suggestion that he had insider knowledge so we recommend you follow his suggestion.

Silver Wedding Party Scuffle

A scuffle very nearly broke out at a family gathering in Scarborough recently, the consequences of which could have been extremely serious. One of the guests apparently called Tony (also a guest at the party) a name!

Witness to the incident Nick Boutros said, "I could see the veins on Tony's temple throbbing, he was obviously very taken aback and I readied myself to intervene, luckily, Tony regained his composure remarkably quickly, I think I was the only one who noticed. After a tense moment or two, the guest retreated with no visible wounds." When asked what name Tony had been called, Nick refused to elucidate.

Ie Churnal reporter tracked Tony down to his hideaway near Ulpster and confronted him. At first he was evasive but eventually commented, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, all my life I've occasionally been called Steve, it's not a problem for me, but I could see that Nick was getting agitated and I was prepared to intervene but he quickly regained his composure."

All efforts by our reporter to find the errant guest failed, but we're still searching!

Fight outside local kebab shop (cont)

Hi readers, its Aaron here ready to continue my honest account of the amazing fight I was lucky enough to witness recently, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim. I left off previously at a point where Uncle Nick was clinging around Uncle Jim's waist like a vicious Koala bear. Meanwhile Uncle Jimmy was staggering around causing the crowd to part in front of him as he lurched here and there.

It appeared that Jimmy was struggling with something in his hand, which I then saw was a pint of beer he was finishing off and must have taken out of the pub with him earlier. Finally he swigged down the last few dregs of beer, smashed the glass down on the pavement and then roared again, 'come aaan then ya baaastaaaaaahd!' and started blindly swinging his fists around but only connecting with air.

Jim then seemed to realise that his tormentor was actually clinging around his waist and not standing in front of him and aimed a punch directly at Uncle Nick's head. Unfortunately for Jim, Uncle Nick managed to dodge the punch which landed directly on Jim's own stomach. Groaning in agony Jim doubled up, at which point Uncle Nick finally released his grip and kicked Jimmy square in the shin.

Ever the sportsman, Uncle Nick then stood back to allow Uncle Jim time to regain his composure, which only took a few seconds. Jimmy lurched forwards and with amazing speed and accuracy managed to land a punch square on the side of Nick's head. For a moment Nick's knees wobbled and his eyes glazed over but he was able to recover quickly and land his own punch directly on Jimmy's groin. Uncle Jimmy squealed in agony and lashed out with a kick which connected beautifully with Uncle Nick's shin but the pain in Jim's groin from the hit he had taken previously was still causing him immense pain. Uncle Nick sensed his chance for victory and ducking and weaving landed a couple more straight jabs again to Jim's groin. This was too much for Jim who crumpled up in a heap clutching his crown jewels and moaning softly.

To be honest I was a bit disgusted by the way Jim had behaved in this fight, my suspicions appeared to be confirmed that he was a dirty fighter who fights like a girl, I went over to congratulate Nick who as always had behaved impeccably and bought him a pint to celebrate his impressive victory.

See part 1 here

Fight outside local kebab shop

By sheer good fortune, ie ulpster churnal has been lucky enough to witness an actual fight which happened late last night, outside the local kebab shop. One of our reporters, Aaron, happened to be walking past at the time and witnessed a crowd of people cheering as they looked on at some sort of scene developing in front of them. Of course our reporter's natural instinct was to run over there and push his way right to the front of the crowd, to see what all the fuss was about. This is what Aaron witnessed.

“I saw immediately that this looked like a real situation developing, you could sense it in the air like elecricity. But the thing that made me dizzy with shock was the realisation that I recognized one of the people involved! It was none other than Uncle Nick. He was raising both his hands in the air in a gesture of conciliation, and saying 'I don't want any trouble' but meanwhile advancing on the other figure, who had his back to me. As Nick reached the other figure he suddenly leapt up in the air. Almost in the style of a movie like the matrix, he appeared to pause in mid air momentarily before regaining momentum and landing on the other figure and clinging around his waist, using both arms and legs to hold on.

The other figure roared, 'aaal hav ye owt ye li'le baast' and spun around trying to shake off Uncle Nick, which was when the realisation hit me like a hammer. The other figure was none other than Uncle Jimmy! This was unbeleivable, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim, surely one of the best fights I could have dreamt of! Without being sure where my loyalties should lie I decided to either cheer them both on or goad either one of them as seemed appropriate at any given moment. I couldn't help but almost salivate at the prospect of what was to come, I had always imagined that Nick would be a fair fighter, in the mould of Queensbury Rules, whereas Jim would probably come out biting and pulling hair. But would this be the case? I couldn't wait to find out.

continued ...

It's a Hard Nick Life

We at the Churnal recently received a letter from a certain Nikos Butros Butros Dickos regarding Ade's Travel Column.

Dear Ade,
The reason I and many others want to gut you is probably the fact that our lives are a bit prosaic in comparison. Went to work, came home, watched Corronation St. and so forth. I'm sick and tired of opening magazines, papers and blogs and reading about exciting exotic adventures such as yours. What about us normal people leading normal lives?

Yours incandescent with rage,
Nikos Dickos.

Well, we at the Churnal like to do things a little different. We thought that we would send one of our reporters round to Nikos' flat and follow him round for a day to see how the other (dull and slightly common) half live. Reporter X takes up the story...

nice cup of tea

09:00 – I arrive at Nikos' one bedroom flat and knock on the door. Some fifteen minutes later I am greeted by a bleary eyed, grimy white Y-front clad figure and subjected to a shocking torrent of verbal abuse... “What the chuffing hell do you want you slimey, bastard of a reporter? Did I not say nine o' fucking clock you twatty arse pudding? I run on Greek time divint ya nah... that means nine shitting thirty...”. This continued without even a pause for breath until exactly nine thirty when he suddenly calmed down and invited me in for a nice cup of tea.

09:50 – Nikos tells me that he needs to pop by his work to do a couple of things and that I may come along for the drive if I like. I follow him to his innocuous looking coat cupboard into which he proceeds to leap. On closer inspection I see it contains a fireman's pole and he is sitting, impaitently waiting for me to join him, some 30 feet below in his idling Aston Martin. I tentatively follow and note that on his way down he has somehow slipped into a rather dapper Armani suit. The second I plop onto the seat beside him he puts the pedal to the metal and with a screech of the tires we are suddenly speeding through a tunnel carved from the bedrock. Moments later we burst through some bushes and into daylight again.

needs to pop by his work

10:15 - A rather uneventful journey at speeds in excess of 100mph ensues before a mysterious mountain looms on the horizon. Nikos pulls over to the side of the road, instructs me to get out the car and for my own good, not to move from that spot. With another screech of the tires he zooms off and I am alone, standing in the October drizzle, in middle of nowhere. I watch him approach the base of the mountain which then appears to open and swallow him up. Obviously it is just the drizzle playing tricks on my eyes.

19:15 – Chilled to the bone and utterly pissed off I am just about to start the long walk home when a black helicopter comes flying out of the top of the mountain. Well, that's what it looks like, I assume it must have come from behind or something. A minute or so later it is hovering above me and a rope ladder descends. From a loudspeaker booms a familiar voice, 'come on climb in, we don't want to miss Corrie'. Wearily I clambered up the ladder and into the chopper to find a stoney faced Nikos at the controls.

bungalows and two up, two downs

19:25 – After a low level flight weaving in between bungalows and two up, two downs we land on the roof of Nikos' flat. He instructs me to get out and help him cover his chopper with a camouflage sheet. Next he saunters over to his rather oversized chimney and leaps into it. I peer down and see that it too is decked out with a fireman's pole. By the time I slide down, Nikos is sitting in front of the TV in his Y-fronts, with a microwave dinner on his lap and a tin of Special Brew in his hand. I start to speak only to be told, 'shut it, Corrie is starting'. This seems like a good time to leave so I let myself out the front door and thank my lucky stars that my life isn't as dull as poor Nikos'.

In summary I would say that there is a good reason we do not cover ordinary peoples, ordinary lives in the media. I could have saved myself from one of the most boring days of my life had I just taken his word for things. His day was quite literally as described in his letter, he went to work, came home and then watched Coronation Street. I think it goes without saying that the Churnal will not be back to report on this humdrum, day-to-day, crap again.