Place your bet now

Family celebrities; retired agony aunt Beck and ex policeman Dan McFarr are often in the news with increasing speculation on the name that will finally be chosen for their first baby.

Online bookmakers 'Ladibrokes' are quoting the following odds on the name of the McFarr baby which is due any day now. Although medical opinion says the baby will be a boy, Ladibrokes are still taking bets on girls names too after Grandma Joan saw the bump and pronounced the baby to be a girl.

So here are the odds, the overwhelming favourite name quoted at 2:1 is 'Metadata'. This is reputedly because Dan favours having a studious child. The current name 'Lykergus' is an outside choice at odds of 8:1 and you can get odds of 16:1 for Becks old favourite 'Vim'. With odds of 100:1 is 'David' which might be worth a punt as Beck's brother used to be a fan of David Banner in the Incredible Hulk TV series. For a girls name the favourite is 'Xena Warrior Princess McFarr' at odds of 25:1.

Fight outside local kebab shop

By sheer good fortune, ie ulpster churnal has been lucky enough to witness an actual fight which happened late last night, outside the local kebab shop. One of our reporters, Aaron, happened to be walking past at the time and witnessed a crowd of people cheering as they looked on at some sort of scene developing in front of them. Of course our reporter's natural instinct was to run over there and push his way right to the front of the crowd, to see what all the fuss was about. This is what Aaron witnessed.

“I saw immediately that this looked like a real situation developing, you could sense it in the air like elecricity. But the thing that made me dizzy with shock was the realisation that I recognized one of the people involved! It was none other than Uncle Nick. He was raising both his hands in the air in a gesture of conciliation, and saying 'I don't want any trouble' but meanwhile advancing on the other figure, who had his back to me. As Nick reached the other figure he suddenly leapt up in the air. Almost in the style of a movie like the matrix, he appeared to pause in mid air momentarily before regaining momentum and landing on the other figure and clinging around his waist, using both arms and legs to hold on.

The other figure roared, 'aaal hav ye owt ye li'le baast' and spun around trying to shake off Uncle Nick, which was when the realisation hit me like a hammer. The other figure was none other than Uncle Jimmy! This was unbeleivable, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim, surely one of the best fights I could have dreamt of! Without being sure where my loyalties should lie I decided to either cheer them both on or goad either one of them as seemed appropriate at any given moment. I couldn't help but almost salivate at the prospect of what was to come, I had always imagined that Nick would be a fair fighter, in the mould of Queensbury Rules, whereas Jim would probably come out biting and pulling hair. But would this be the case? I couldn't wait to find out.

continued ...

Leona's 21st Birthday Extravaganza

Last week saw one of the parties of the century as Leona Wilton celebrated her 21st birthday in style. The secretarial tycoon pulled out all the stops to firmly cement her position in the family A-list. That is no mean feat when you consider legendary get-togethers of the past including Grandma Joan's 72 hour non-stop rave buffet, Jim's Egyptian-Fest complete with 10 foot beer pyramid and Linden's "pool + pease pudding = jacuzzi" party.

The long deserted Kyleburn sweet factory just south of Ulpster was a rather strange choice of venue though the reasoning behind it would become clear. Buses had been laid on for the 50-odd guests and we arrived, ready to party, at seven o'clock sharp. It was dim and eerily quiet and had it not been for the signs directing us to the main entrance we might have thought we were at the wrong place.

Inside was a table opulently laden with glasses of Crystal champagne and a notice telling us to take one and make our way to the main hall. Nervously, we filed into the pitch dark of the hall where we waited with baited breath. The most we were expecting was for the lights to come on and balloons to float down but what actually happened was simply breathtaking.

The skylight swung open, pyrotechnics flashed and Leona gently descended, holding what we assumed to be a bunch of balloons. Everyone gasped as they realised the bundle of strings Leona held was not attached to balloons at all but to six enormous seagulls! Touching down to rapturous applause she released the gulls, which flew back out of the skylight to return moments later.... each bearing an Oompa Loompa!

Needless to say much singing and dancing ensued while the Oompa Loompas fired up the old sweet making equipment, whipping up a feast of fantastic confectionery. My personal favourite has to be the Never Ending Boozy Bubblegum that has kept me tiddly for almost a week now. It will certainly take a lot to top this birthday bash.

Newsflash

Today is a sad day for ie ulpster churnal, we've discovered that Baeky has resigned from her post as resident agony aunt her last post will be her last. Apparently no-one told her we were looking for a replacement to cover her maternity leave and she has taken it quite badly. We bumped into each other in the supermarket earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as bum bandit and chutney ferrit, which was quite embarassing. Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endevours. And now we can welcome our new agony aunt, Maria, who's jugs though not as impressive as some applicants seem to fit the bill anyway.

So this week is the start of a new era in ie churnal sees me as the undisputed leader, now that Baeky has gone, and I vow to steer ie churnal in a new direction, one which according to my vision will see our number of readers double - to two (assuming Jade keeps reading and we manage to find another reader).

Tony

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Imagine how silly I felt when I saw my letter printed on your pages and realised that in my excitement I had forgotten to actually outline the question that has intrigued me for years. I would still be very grateful for a real answer and not the supposedly humerous one liner you provided, please give it some serious thought,

Yours, Essie Kye


Sorry Essie, the anser has now changed to 43 - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there life on other worlds? Does god exist? Why are space-hoppers so named? Please answer promptly or else.

Yours Stephen Hawking


The difficult question here is the third and I'm very tempted to answer it with another question, but I'll resist the temptation and just say How Hi is a Chinaman. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Yeah I've always wanted to know why space-hoppers are so named too? Please say you'll tell us,

Yours Steven Dick Felt

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave just a short while ago. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

We of the secret space hopping society and interglactic warfare tribunal forbid you to say anything you think you know about space-hoppers.

Yours General Natty of the imperial star-fleet


You can't stop me thinking about anything I know about space-hoppers, what you really need to worry about are those people who can read thoughts - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Tell us about space-hoppers or me and my colleagues at Oxford University will rubbish your work and discredit you, and that is only the beginning,

Yours Stevie Hawkings


Very well, I know for a fact that space hoppers are very eco-friendly and as such are used by several flaky groups as their primary means of transport. In fact the so called Imperial Star-fleet would cease to function without them as both members would be unable to reach their meetings. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

We are warning you for the last time don't mention nothing about space hoppers,

General Natty

One more word from you and I'll fix you with a steely glance that will have you quaking in your wellies - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Do it.

Yours Stevie Dick Felt

Done it - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there liiiife on maaaaaars oh yeah ?

Mr. Bowie

And he was all right, the song went on forever - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

AAAaam sick of those horses deficating all over Ulbster aaah wish someone would invent a cork stoppa , signed the rabbits of Ulbster Liberation front.


There's a surprise, Ive just had a letter from the horses of the Ulpster Liberation Front saying much the same thing only the words horses and rabbits were transposed. (incidentally, you've spelled Ulpster wrong). - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

It is agony when I try to bend my fingers really far back. I also have a
sensation of immense pain. When I bend them so far that I hear cracking
noises and see the joints forming unnatural looking shapes I feel like
I'm going to puke and get dizzy. I'm not double jointed or anything. Is
this normal?

Yours Auntie Eva


No, not normal at all. I can recommend a very good book called "Flexibility, and how to achieve it." In the meantime I would continue trying your exercises. Doctor Aden assures me that as long as you don't pass out its safe. - Baeky

SITUATIONS VACANT

Typographer
Applicants for the above post must be proficient in Tasword for the 128k Spectrum. Consideration may be given to an applicant with a working knowledge of Notepad, in which case training will be provided. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ1


Agony Aunt
This post is for a 3 month contract to cover maternity leave. Applicants need to be able to read and write. Flexible hours. Pay nada, non negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ2


Sports Editor
Applicants for this post should have an extensive knowledge of Kick Off 2, and Football Manager (Kevin Toms version). Some knowledge of Match Point (48k) and own Spectrum would be an advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ3


Personnel Manager
This post requires someone proficient with the 128k Spectrum. Knowledge of Tas Database 48k or 16k would be a distinct advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ4

Advanced Physics with Morna

I'm delighted to have you all back and hungry for knowledge. As promised last week, this lesson will be taken by none other than our very own world renowned, in-house, doctor about the house... Dr Natty Inkspoon! Well, that's me off to shave my legs and pamper myself silly for the afternoon, so without further ado here's Nat. Mmmmmwah!

Ay oop lads n' lasses! We'll be finishing off your virtual degree coursework today as well as demonstrating real world applications for your new found skills. For those of you that don't know already, I am currently researching molecular rheology of branched polymer melts and computational fluid dynamics at the Tom Jones School of Mathematics.

My research may sound complicated but it's really just a fancy way of saying that I melt plastic into machines. The truth is, very little has changed since that fateful day when I set my Bobafett Star Wars figure on top of my ZX Spectrum's power supply. The stream of plastic which flowed from said power supply onto and into my beloved Speccy was devastating at the time. However, thanks to our old friend chaos theory two chains of events began which lead me to where I am today.

The first chain, after weeks of chaotic weeping and stomping around, culminated in me getting a vastly superior Atari ST to replace my knackered Spectrum. The second started as a way of keeping up with the latest developments in computer technology and culminated in this excellent career I have. Whenever I got bored with a computer or a newer model came out I'd simply place a Star Wars figure on the keyboard and set light to it. I grew to love everything about melting plastic into machines, the smell, the sound, the very sight itself. I began opening up the computers afterwards to study how the plastic had flowed around the components and find out exactly why it had caused the computer to fail. It really is fascinating stuff.

As I said earlier, I essentially do the same now, only on a much bigger scale. For example, I lived it laaaaarge in Holland for a couple of years employed by a major chemicals company. It culminated in me getting a lorry load of cheerleader's pom-poms (plastic of course) and melting them into the mechanism of an enormous power generating windmill. The results were spectacular and a complete success. We conclusively proved that it was indeed a bad idea to melt so much plastic into the mechanism of such a machine. Thanks to our research the windmill industry has saved itself millions of pounds by not initiating a program of branched polymer mechanism seizing melts.

Anyway, that's the pub opening now so you can leave early. Congratulations on the completion of your degree. To obtain your certificate send a £50 cheque to Ie Churnal made out to - Churnal Arts Science Honours or since that is a bit of a mouthful just put C.A.S.H.

Last one to the pub is a rotten egg....