Another moral test of society

For part 2 of my thesis on the morals of society I ask this question...

Would you hold, and gently fondle, a homeless man's balls for 20 seconds, in return for a talking dog that impressed/wooed the opposite sex and would virtually guarantee full-blown sex? .

Rules and Regulations

1) You must hold the testicles with either your hands or mouth

2) You must be in the same room as the homeless 'vagabond', so you can collect your 'doggy prize' after the 20 seconds are up.

3) This dog is a puppy, and will live for at least another 15 years.

4) The homeless men in question is a choice between the old guy with the big nose that sits on the church steps at the Holburn end of Union Street , or the junkie that can be found outside 'Somerfield' at the middle of Union Street

5) You must not touch the homeless man's penis, only holding/fondling his balls

6) You can do this sober or drunk, but you must bear in mind that the homeless man will be excited so may feel the urge to take advantage of the opportunity should the 'holder' be drunk

7) The homeless man must be awake during the act

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Answers via comments please. To start the ball rolling I can reveal that my nephew Aaron almost certainly would do it.

They are coming

During a recent video conference call, Baeky McSpiz witnessed three Alien Spacecraft flying in formation in the skies around Ulpster. She happened to notice the spaceships while her correspondent's webcam was being adjusted and had momentarily pointed out the window towards the evening sky. With amazing presence of mind, Baeky quickly pressed the 'print screen' button on her PC and thus captured the moment, which is shown here exclusively in ie Churnal,

Alien spacecraft flying in formation

"I was very proud of my IT knowledge when I captured the image data", explained Baeky to our reporter, "I used my technical knowledge of computing to cut the data and paste the image data. I was multi-tasking by carrying on my conversation while doing this."

Conclusive Proof

Our reporter looked very impressed, and so Baeky, looking pleased elaborated further, "I used an application called MS Paint to paste the data into. You see I remembered this application is able to save images onto the hard drive for storage...

Lost the data

"It appeared for a moment that I had lost the data at one point!", continued Baeky, "You can imagine I'm sure, how my heart sank. I was gutted! Then I realised that I had inadvertently minimized the MS Paint application into the toolbar. All I had to do to recover the lost data was select the application and maximise it. Voila the image data was recovered and displayed in the application exactly how I had pasted it. Without wasting another moment I quickly saved it before further mishap could occur. I chose the 'My Pictures' folder to store the image data onto on my hard disk drive."

Roswell Incident

This is the second time UFO's have been seen in the skies around Caithness after a recent sighting of a UFO near Lypster which was actually witnessed beaming up Aunty Wendy in a mysterious kidnapping event. This extraordinary event had been captured on Matt's camera phone. Around fourty seven years ago UFO's were also seen in Roswell, New Mexico. Mysteriously we couldn't find anyone willing to talk about the Roswell incident with us.

Ade sacked

Ade has been sacked from ie ulpster churnal in the most dramatic shake up of the staff seen since the days when Roy Anarchy was in charge.

"It had gotten too much", explained Tony, the leader of ie churnal, "we turned a blind eye to all the fart related stuff ... it went on fart oolong! Hehehe I just thought of that! But I mean fart jokes are not sophisticated enough for readers nowadays are they? And then there was the boob stories, the allegations, the lawsuits that followed. We even think we lost our reader in the fallout of that." Tony looked thoughtful for a moment and then seeming to forget we were here started absentmindedly picking his nose.

Blod was also available to make a statement telling us in a hushed voice, "They are coming. They are coming..." and then staring catatonically at a wall.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair declined to speak to us although one of his representatives mentioned that Mr. Blair was saddened about this turn of events and actually thought Ade was a 'cool guy'.

Linden's ethical and moral tests

Hi readers, I managed to pull a few strings and here I am with me own column too, just like Wendy.

In a series of social experiments I intend to challenge the very minds of our readers with ethical and moral tests of judgement using fiendishly devised dilemmas which could unravel the very fabric of our society!

By extrapolating the results and data gathered from a cross section of churnal readers, thus we shall expect to see just where the boundaries lie n' that.

As this first dilemma is quite gender specific, I've done two; one for each gender. Both of these have been cleverly devised to be completely equivalent in terms of attractiveness and appeal. In other words there is no difference between the female choice and the male choice. These have been based on my painstaking estimation and in consultation with Peter for the lads version.

This weeks dilemma is,

Shoot, Shag or Marry ?

Rules - You cannot use each person more than once. Who would you shoot? Who would you shag? and who would you marry? Eeee its a tough choice for the girls, I'm not sure which I'd gan for. But are YOU brave enough to make the call?






Now its the lads turn. Who would you shoot, shag and marry out of these?






IMPORTANT NOTE: For every hit that this page gets without an associated completed response or a page comment Linden will kill a puppy.

Free Online Poll

Dear Aimae - continued

Bebo bebo bebo bebo my little fart knockers. Heres a couple of letters that missed the first batch, but graciously I don't mind as I'm like a light in dark places and stuff.

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I am living in a part of Engerland that has been affected by flooding and have suffered water shortage. As a result my good wife, daughter and I have all been unable to bathe as regularly as we would like and tension in the house is mounting; you see Jaz and Heather ( whoops, my good wife and daughter) smell naturally of sugar and spice and all things nice and I just, well Aimee, to be honest I just pong. You may think I am making a fuss over nothing, but they have moved out and I am left to sit in my own stench. To make things worse, the stress has made my pumps rather more eggy than usual. How can win my family back and sort out my eggy bottom?

Yours, I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you 'men in black' Fell

Dear "I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you" men in black Fell,

Stop whining and go to the local swimming baths; a wee splash in the chlorinated water will kill off any stinky bacteria clinging to your being and will give you a new, almost astringent whiff that should last a few days at a time. Hopefully this new pong will enable you to welcome your sugar n spice girls back home which will in turn relax you and neutralise the acidity in your hydrogen sulphide rich pumps.

Voila xxx Much Love Auny Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee

I'm moving home tomorrow and it's really stressing me out. I've been in my safe little home for ages but tomorrow I'm moving to a new big cold noisy metropolis where I won't know many people. I know I should be excited, but I feel scared - what's wrong with me?

Kia Fell -1day

Nothing's wrong with you, Kia. It is a very scary prospect, becoming a little fish in a big pond, and most people find this time in their lives difficult. You can do lots to make it feel more under your control. Ask your parents to find out about induction days. . Try and get together with someone who is going through the same thing, or just has (Joel?) even if you aren't friends at the moment you'll have this in common and can look out for each other during the first few years of this big bad world. You're going to have to do it, so the best tactic is to do it with confidence. Good luck!

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimae

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My Dad always tels me not to pik my nose, but he duz it himself.
It not fair!

Aden

Dear Aden

A wee something my dad used to say to me may help here " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you work that out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My blummin Dad always pumps then insists it wasn't him. To make matters worse he goes mental if I ever sneak even the most insignificant sterile one out. It's not fair.

Air head

Dear Air Head,

I'll share with you a wee something my dad used to say to me " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you sort this out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aimee,

How can I convince my son and youngest daughter that horses are way more better than cats and stuff like that? Can you gallop a cat? Hello!? What do you think?

yours Mel

Dear Mel,

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being...if you never love a horse, you will never understand."
~ Author Unknown


I, a fellow horse lover understand your plight, my suggestion is simple, wash your hands of these uncultured youths and buy another horse!

Aunty Aimee xxxx

Dear Aimee,

In my opinion given that there are only 8 notes in music, which form an 'octave' and because 8 x 8 = 64 there are only limited possibilites. Case proven I think.

yours Dr. Natty Inkspoon

Good try Natty,

Next time try to take into account the black notes, also have you thought about microtones? let me go in to a wee bit of detail for you.....

The vibrating and resonating parts of musical instruments (and almost everything else that makes sounds) don't produce sound waves of just one frequency. This is because the vibrating body ( e.g. string or air column) does not just vibrate as a whole; smaller sections vibrate as well. In the case of musical instruments, these additional frequencies are usually even multiples of the vibration frequency of the whole string, air column, bar, etc. For example, suppose you squeeze your accordion (the most sublime of all musical instruments) and press the key that lets the air out past a reed which, due to certain physical properties, vibrates 440 times per second. The vibrating reed will generate sound waves with a frequency of 440 Hz. (cycles per second), which happens to correspond to the A above Middle C. Because of other physical properties of the reed and the accordion, the instrument will also generate waves with a frequency of 880 Hz. (2 x 440), 1,320 Hz (3 x 440), 1,760 Hz. (4 x 440), etc. These extra frequencies are called overtones. Amazingly enough, when the overtones are close to even multiples of the fundamental frequency, our brains interpret the whole conglomeration of frequencies as a single pitch. Different instruments differ in the relative strengths of the various overtones, and that is what gives the instruments different timbres. This is also what makes your voice sound different from someone else's, even when you sing the exact same pitch. In the case of cymbals, gongs, snare drums, and the other indefinite-pitch percussion instruments, there are so many frequencies and overtones all at the same time that our brains don't pick out a definite pitch. You might notice, though, that the sound of a drum or woodblock can still be "higher" or "lower" than the sound of another.

I'm interested to hear your next valliant attempt
Yours Aunty (musical genious)Aimee xxx

Breaking News : Ade Admitted to Boob Asylum

After the various threats of legal action our lawyers advised us that the best course of action was to have the breast obsessed perpetrator (who we will refer to as Mr A to protect his identity) committed to a high security boob asylum. At around 8pm last night he was dragged kicking and screaming from his Wellington house and driven to said facility.

Preliminary psychiatric tests have shown him to be suffering from a boob obsession which stems from Mr A's wife's boobs having expanded considerably during her pregnancy. In order to protect Maria and the very existence of ie churnal they will be using a technique pioneered by Dr Anthony Burgess, Mr A will now be forced to watch videos of 50GG boobs bouncing and swinging for 20 hours a day with his eyes locked open the whole time. After 3 weeks we expect he will be completely recovered from his obsession and be able to fully integrate with society again.