20 PRINT "MARCUS' PROGRAMMING TIPS"

Hello Ulbster journal readers, yes I am back. Mr. Anarchy may have departed this space, however timelord Tony has assured me that I am definately part of his plans for the future of this journal. In fact I have been promoted to second in command, although I'm not supposed to reveal that yet, so keep it under your hats for now.

Incidentally I also hear that Aaron has been sacked too! (although I can't say 100% for certain on that one, just office rumours, you know things you hear when you are chatting by the water cooler).

Anyway I'm here to explain about programming computers, so lets get on with it. Basically there are two types of programming languages, crap ones like C64 basic and cool ones like BBC BASIC 32K. As you can probably deduce I fall into the latter category. The cool thing about BBC BASIC 32K is that you have mode 7 - which the Acorn Electron never had I might add.

Using extremely advanced programming techniques such as 'spagetthi code' written with extensive use of the extremely powerful GOTO commands I have written many amazing programs such as 'Face Invaders'.

Anyway here is my latest program. What do this think of this?

10 MODE 0
20 PRINT"MARCUS PROGRAMMING TIPS"
30 PRINT"Enter a zero to start afresh"'
40 PRINT"Press 'Enter' after each entry"TAB(40)"Use a minus sign for subtraction"
50 PRINT'TAB(15)"entry"TAB(35)"TOTAL"'
60 GOTO 30

Pretty neat huh? Why not try typing it in and see what will happen. Can you guess what will happen? Remember to type RUN.

see you next time.

Marcus

Tales of the 60's - the central cavern - Part 1

Obviously I'm delighted with my victory over Roy Anarchy, which I never doubted. Aaron, Ade, Gus and Maria don't know how close they got to the sack over that one! So yeah pretty chuffed, I've been working hard to get 'ie churnal up to its current high standards. Didn't want some shite spouting punk to come and take all my hard work away. What a load of pish that Roy was spouting about Simon and Garfunkel. What about Uriah Heep?

Anyway this gives me my chance to share my knowledge with those who still cannot get past the first fiendish level of Manic Miner, 'the central cavern' level. I'll have to serialise it probably as its such a fiendish level, quite long and arduous, a bit like me kicking out that Roy Anarchy guy!

So, on the central cavern start walking to the right under a long platform, which you have to jump through and land on. I still don't know how it is possible to jump through the seemingly solid platform but after about 5 years I've just started to do it without questioning it. Also I can safely say that every time you walk or jump into the bush it will kill you, I have tried walking into it from every angle and never yet survived. Its a mystery why but there you go, take it or leave it.

Now you jump again onto a raised platform and keep walking, if the ground dissolves to nothing under you keep going as fast as you can by repeatedly striking the 'walk right' button. The thing I have learned is not to stop at this point or you fall through back to the bottom and get stuck until you run out of air.

If you manage to get past the quicksand, you can then jump and get a key above you. The next bit is one of the hardest bits; you have to jump to the left onto a conveyor belt and before you know it jump over a bush that is on the conveyor belt. If you let the conveyor belt carry you into the bush it kills you. If you have done it right (which I manage about 2% of the attempts I make) then you find yourself on a platform just above the middle.

The next bit is mental. There is a funny yellow creature walking back and forth on the conveyor belt which kills you at every chance it gets. Timing is critical, if you wait for the right timing for too long as I often do you run out of air and die. It may seem counterintuitive but to get past it you have to run towards it. At the last second jump over it. An important thing to remember is to jump to the left off the conveyor belt rather than falling off the end. Otherwise you get stuck at the bottom and run out of air and die.

Lykergus update

In every corner of the land, only the quiet ticking of watches or perhaps the odd cough or whispered conversation momentarily breaks a long silence which has descended on us. People inspect their fingernails thoughtfully all the while their minds elsewhere. As far afield as Ulpster and New Zealand and even in magical lands up ie faraway tree, people, horses, rabbits and magical unicorns are waiting anxiously for the latest word ...

Gus rearranges his pots n pans in Gus’ cookery kitchen for the umpteenth time. Mel nervously pets her beloved 6 inch long tardigrade. Naomi finds a quiet spot to pump in without bothering anyone else with the hideous smell. Aaron gathers all his underpants up and starts ironing them and folding them up in a neat pile. Even Tony finally stops bragging about his famous victory over Roy Anarchy. On the other side of the world somebody wakes up in the middle of the night wondering …

What is the latest news from Baeky? Has Lykergus arrived yet?

..

Suddenly somewhere a phone rings. A voice is heard to say, "Its news from Baeky". The horses and unicorns look up hopefully, their ears pricked up attentively. The rabbits stand on their hind legs all focusing their soft brown eyes solely in the direction of this telephone conversation now in progress. Yes news from Baeky. “What is it? What is it?” everyone wonders.

Well we at ie churnal can put your minds at rest as we exclusivly reveal what we found out from this very telephone call to one of our reporters. We are proud to announce the latest update on Lykergus...

Baeky’s done a bit of housework lately, watched a bit of celebrity big brother on tv, had a nice curry the other night.

And so the wait continues, and the rabbits and unicorns go back to twiddling their paws and hooves and Aaron puts on his freshly ironed novelty elephant underpants.

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 2

Last we heard, Roy was frantically searching round the shop looking for Tony...

As he disappeared behind a maroon chenille curtain an almighty scuffle broke out with lots of OWs, OOFs and THUDs. Suddenly Tony flew across the room and crashed into a display of buttons, scattering them like marbles. He got up muttering 'I'll show you, you damned dirty punk' before slipping dramatically on the buttons and landing heavily on his coccyx . In a frenzied rage, Tony lurched back behind the curtain. Another epic struggle ensued with Tony occasionally popping his head out only for Roy's hand to grab his neck and pull him back in. Finally, Roy's head appeared, primed to unleash a vicious head-butt.

It was looking bad, and we were fearing the worst for Tony when there was an almighty yowl! Out stumbled the leather-clad challenger clutching his eyes. 'Oi can't bleedin see', cried Roy, stumbling around blindly. As he veered towards the curtain again Tony's arm grabbed him by the neck and dragged him in to finish him off.

'Who's the daddy now', bellowed Tony. 'You can either scarper right now or I'll pin you down and make you say... Chelsea for the cup! The choice is yours'. Roy squeaked, 'Ok, ok... the Churnal is yours' before legging it unseen. A triumphant Tony stepped out and proudly announced, 'Roy's evil reign is over, you're free to talk non-punk related shite again!!'.

Jade piped up, 'Wot u wearing that cod-piece for?', to which Tony blustered, 'erm... I... err... It's a trophy... or something... yeah, a trophy'. Everyone wandered off tutting, looking at their watches and muttering about the pub opening soon.

Gus' late night fridge raid

Friends, readers and countrymen, Gus the pus the diddle iddle us here once again with a slightly different cookery column this time. I thought that as its just past christmas there might still be a few left overs in your fridges needing using up. Here's how...

Once your wife or partner has gone to sleep in the wee hours of the night, sneek through to your kitchen. Without turning on any lights open the fridge door so that you are standing bathed in the dim light of the fridge interior light. Next crouch down with your head right inside the fridge opening and take a deep inhale. This will get your taste buds in the mood for whats to follow, a gluttonous orgy of leftovers consumption! The deep inhale also serves another purpose to alert you in case anything has gone bad in there, in which case try to hold your breath for the remainder of this phase of the operation.

Now I realise that everyones fridges are different so I will describe one of my late night raids from last Thursday, maybe it'll give you some inspiration for your own fridge raid.

First of all grab some bread, I like 'mighty white' myself but Mel rarely buys me it. Anyway, next look for any containers covered over with saucers or tupperwares and examine the contents by eating handfulls of whatever is inside. In mine last Thursday I found some bits of chicken skin in one tupperware with a few fragments of stuffing too - Jackpot! In the next one there was some fairly dry mashed potatoe - You Beauty! Next you want lots of wholegrain mustard, layer that in thick, then you'll need a couple of slices of every kind of cheese there is in there. Get that in there, doesn't matter how many types you put, the more the better. Last Thursday I had 4 dairy lea triangles, cheddar with apricot, some dry edam that had to be finished off and a sprinkling of parmasan.

To finish off put a bit of buttered bread on top and either eat cold or bung it in the microwave for a couple of seconds. If choosing the latter, you are aiming for it to cooked unevenly with some cold regions in it for the perfect snack. If you want pudding you can always have a jam and sugar sandwich with a digestive bicuit in the middle.

Seamus's Apple Report

I'm absolutely sure that today the woman who delivers my apple was eating one herself. Honestly, you just can't trust anyone these days. I've actually seen her giving my apples to a toy pony and a goat.

Anyway, I'm again pleased to say that the quality of the apples this week have been good. this week they came from an orchard on the other side of town with the pleasant name of "Summer Fields"

I have bad news, my Spectrum 48k has crashed, terminally this time, something to to with the power supply unit. However the apple lady has access to a 128k Spectrum so I'm hoping to be able to continue my reports using her equipment.

Neighh

10 print "Marcus' programming tips"

20 GOTO 10
30 REM You won't ever get here... hence never read this entry! Get it? ha ha ha Anyway, hello Ulbster journal readers, Marcus here. A really nice bloke called Roy Anarchy has brought me in to shake up the journal and tasked me with writing an interesting article about programming. Who better than I? I thought and so here I am, obviously having mutually agreed to the terms, (and quite a tasty little deal into the bargain, I'm going to get $23 grand over 5 years and keep my image rights, not bad eh?)

For my first column I thought I'd start off with some quite easy code for you to get your teeth into. What do you think of this?

@import url(../css/richedit.css);
@import url(../css/spellcheck.css);
@import url(../css/blogger.richedit.css);

// hide it while the CSS loads
#unreachableError {
display:none;
}

Pretty interesting eh?

Well I think that is quite self explanitory, I'll go a bit further in depth next time.

Marcus