The Ulpster Open Second Semi-Final
"Welcome back to the Ulpster Open Semi finals, with me Grandma Joan ex fart champion in 1947, 1954 and 1982, and Naomi to witness the second semi final of Nick versus Tony. The crowd have been riveted to the action as we now await the start of the second set. If you've just joined us Tony has won the first set! Here is Naomi to recap those events:"
Nims - "Thanks Grandma. Yes I can't recall a start to a match like this one before. As Tony marched into the arena he shouted in a very loud authoritative manner that this auditorium was now an F.F.Z.!!! Confusion ensued and whilst Nick consulted the match official to see what was going on Tony sneaked up and let off an almighty trump in Nick's face. Nick staggered around his eyes watering, repeatedly sneezing with the sulphurous fumes while Tony peppered him with yet more farts from close range.
Grandma - "Sorry to interrupt you but the second set is now under way and we can see yet more controversy as Tony has lain down on his back, his legs around his neck and lit a huge fart which has actually singed Nick's eyebrows, in fact the flames are now engulfing the hair on Nick's shoulders and back."
Nims - "This is incredible! This match has everything! But here comes Nick, he's running around the auditorium whilst emmiting one long pump, in fact he has now completed two laps and still pumping, this must beat his own world record!"
Joan - "Yes but it still only counts as one pump, whilst Tony with a look of intense concentration on his face has managed to eek out 3 pathetic little squeaks but they all count, and are enough for him to dramatically break serve and give him three match points."
Nims - "The tension is now unbearable, some of the people in the crowd are also pumping now, prompting the match official to call for silence... And so both players resume. Nick is first to break the stalemate with a healthy sounding pump, however Tony quick as a flash neutralizes it with some air freshener. "
Joan - "Nick is now arguing with the referee over the legality of Tony's air freshener move but Tony has played on! Tony releases an awful silent but violent pump into Nicks face. Nick is down on his knees coughing and spluttering, meanwhile the referee, holding a handkerchief to his face, has raised his hand signalling victory to Tony. "
Nims - "What an incredible victory. The first time Tony has beaten Nick competitively, and what a time to do it. Tony will now meet Aaron in the final of the Ulpster Open."
Thursday, May 31, 2007
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10 comments:
I herby demand an enquiry into this result. Having slowed down the video and viewed the audio wave of Nick's 'lengthy continuous' pump, I have concluded that the pump consisted of 72 single pumps with the gaps so close (amazing sphincter control)as to be almost indiscernible to the human ear. This obviously would have changed the result had the referee done his job properly.
I agree, this is a travesty. I have analysed the audio tape and it patently is NOT one continuous fart. This can not go unchallenged!
Any fart slowed down can be described as many farts. According to the David Attenborough program 'Tales from the Underpants', the noise you hear as a fart IS lots of indistinguishably fast mini pumps.
Case closed!
This contest is there tainted. The question now is what constitutes a valid fart. Unless there are strict guidelines issued aussie rules is dead in thee water.
The rules were clearly stated in this very publication in February. May I refer you to rule number 1...
(Each point must be detectable by the opponent, or independent witness – this can be by the audible volume or smell of the “shot”.)
The referee could only detect a single fart.
There is no place for modern technology in the noble sport of fart tennis.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
By my counting I did around 70 pumps and cannot believe it was only counted as 1 pump. I should have won in straight sets! Aside from that what about all that gamesmanship, surely there is a rule against setting fire to your opponent, using air fresheners and declaring FFZ's? Tony should be disqualified.
I have to come clean here, I was definitely aware that there were multiple farts and when I look back at the rules - "Each point must be detectable by the opponent", I'm ashamed I said nothing at the time
I have to come clean too. In my semi final with Ade I noticed that his pump consisted of at least 50 or so distinct farts. He beat me fair and square. I hereby offer my resignation from the tournament.
Right that's sorted then, the final is between Nick and Ade
Boys Boys, you're all excellent farters! really!I'm not just saying it xxx besos xxx
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