Aunty Mel kidnapped

Shocking events unfolded in Ulpster yesterday evening as Aunty Mel was kidnapped by what is reputed to be a 20 foot tall tardigrade. According to eyewitnesses the whole ground shook with the footsteps of the giant beast as it stomped across the fields in the direction of ie Cairn o' Get carrying Aunty Mel in its clutches. Lobsterman Davie managed to take this photo of the approaching creature minutes before it disappeared over the horizon taking Aunty Mel with it.

Aunty Mel played god with nature

Opinion is divided on this incident, with some experts believing that Mel has continued her experiments on these creatures in secret and discovered the gene that normally surpresses their growth. If this is true then she probably played god and tampered with the gene in an experiment now gone horribly wrong. Others believe the neepie docker David from Lypster may have created a growth hormone in his shed and infected this tardigrade with it. Some nutty conspiracy theorists even speculate that Mel has created this tardigrade deliberately with the intention of using it to demolish a local windfarm which has been constructed on the hill fort.

Conspiracy, three aunties disappear in one week

After the disappearance of 3 aunties within the space of a week; First Val being swallowed whole by a sea cucumber, then Wendy sucked into the sky by aliens and now this tardigrade kidnapping - many people are beginning to wonder if these events can be regarded as coincidence or is something more sinister going on? The only surviving aunty, Aunty Linden is said to be concerned about the situation.

Ulpster Windfarm Shock

We were recently alerted to the prospect of a Windfarm destroying the peaceful walks at Ulpster. No one could have believed how quickly things have progressed. Our roving photographer Matt the Hat has brought us some disturbing photographs which we publish as a warning of what can happen through inactivity or lethargy.

With the recent spate of Auntie disasters, we decided to speak to Auntie Mel, who initially alerted us to the problem, while she was still contactable. Unfortunately when we visited her at Ulpster we found she was almost incoherent with only short spells of lucidity. When asked about the appearance of the windmills she stared blankly for a very long time and then started moaning the word "windmills" over and over again before saying, "Eeee, when Gus gets back from his search for the Faraway Tree he'll be devastated", she then lapsed into her monotone drone of "windmills" over and over again.

We then spoke to a local resident Chaimig and got more sense from him. "It really is a disgrace", he said, "You can see them from hundreds of millimetres". These windmills are an anathema, they totally disrupt the tranquility of the unspoilt views over Ulpster, this area was as close to Nirvana as you could find, I just don't know why they allow it."

People, it's not too late, we at the Churnal urge you to take a proactive stance before they cover the whole area. Speak to your MP, speak to your Councillor, if you're local to Ulpster speak to Chaimig.

Aunty Wendy Abducted... By Aliens!

It has been reported that Aunty Wendy has been abducted by aliens at some point between 2 and 5 AM today.

The alarm had been raised after a passing motorist saw what he described to be a “woman being sucked up into a large round thing in the sky”.

He took this photograph with his camera phone:

A full scale investigation has been launched with every policeman in Caithness being brought in to help, with both of them working around the clock.

The abduction may or may not have something to do with the mysterious “death lab” that is alleged to be hidden inside David’s shed. He had the following to say on the subject:

“My lab – err workshop – has nothing to do with Wendy’s disappearance. It’s got nothing to do with any o yee what goes on in there. Oh aye, the recent bout of freak electrical storms isolated to Lypster are also nothing to do with me. Now go away or I’ll get yee with ma ray gun!”

This comes just weeks after the disappearance of Aunty Val, who was swallowed whole by a giant sea anemone.

Secret Identity of Spiderman revealed

Ie Ulpster Churnal has at last unmasked that mysterious wall-crawling creature 'the amazing spiderman'. Matt the Hat, our new churnal photographer, has pulled out all the stops and captured some of the most intimate moments in Spidey's life recently. As seen here exclusively for ie churnal we can reveal that Spiderman is none other than Aaron!



Unlike Aaron's fictional counterpart, comic book hero Peter Parker, who was bitten by a radioactive spider - our real life Spidey, aka Aaron aka 'the binkey' is thought to have acquired his extraordinary powers as an awkward young teen, when he started eating everyday household spiders. Spidey is also rumoured to have the power to transform himself into a loggerhead turtle.

We interviewed Aaron earlier this morning and he told us that 'with great power comes great geekiness', a valuable lesson he learned from his Great Uncle Peter. Enigmatically Aaron paused for a moment and then said in a quiet voice almost to himself, "there is no spoon"

Next week we will turn our investigations into just who is the incredible hulk ? ...

SITUATIONS VACANT

Agony Aunt
This post is for a 6 month contract to cover maternity leave, please use discretion, we haven't told Maria yet. Applicants should be able to read and write preferably simultaneously (any language acceptable). Flexible hours. Pay nada, non negotiable. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC1


Sports Editor
Due to Sunderlands promotion to the Premier league we have sacked our anti-Sunderland correspondant Naomi, we are now seeking a pro Sunderland commentator. Applicants for this post should have excellent playing experience in 'Aussie Rules Tennis'. As usual a knowledge of football manager (Kevin Thoms version) will be regarded favourably. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC2


Photographer
The churnal requires someone with a flair for photography to consistently produce the goods with top drawer snaps of newsworthy events. Such as discovering the secret identities of superheros. Whether employed on a permanent contract or on a freelance basis you can expect to be paid in the region of zilch. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC3


Personnel Manager
As we do not currently have a personnel manager to deal with the flood of expected applications, we are looking to also employ a personnel manager. Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UC4. Try not to favour your own application unfairly or get caught in any never ending loops, sending and receiving your own application.

Aunty Val eaten by a giant sea anenomea

Rumours that auntie Val has been eaten by a giant sea anemone just off the Aberdeenshire coast have not yet been confirmed. It is thought that if she had been eaten, that the sea anemone in question must have been one of the largest specimens yet recorded, if it has been recorded. (If it has been recorded has not yet been recorded). However, a monster such as this one would need a mouth up to a meter in diameter and stinging tentacles up to 3 meters in length or something according to our churnal estimates.

Marine Biologist tells us this anemone was a giant

As ever our top marine biologist Mel Sprite was on hand to enlighten us further, "The biggest sea anemones I've seen are only about about a couple of inches in diameter at the most, certainly the ones in British waters." she explained, "It is highly doubtful such an anemone exists capable of eating an entire person ye knaa. If one has eaten my sister as you say, then it must have been a giant." Mel Sprite then howled and broke down sobbing, eventually whispering in a choked up voice, "ow I bit my toungue."

Images show Auntie Val being eaten

We are keeping our fingers crossed that these rumours turn out to be false however other circumstantial evidence does not give us much hope. Take for example this image we've created using clever graphics manipulation. It clearly shows a person such as auntie Val being eaten by an enormous sea anemone, we can only conclude that such an occurrence is not only possible but in fact probable. If anyone has any updates on this situation we'd appreciate being informed.

Aaron Smell - Churnal Reporter

Further explorations of the central cavern

Happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday sinclair spectrum 48k,
happy birthday to you.

Hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip HURRAH!!!! :o) :o) :o)

Shite man 25 years today! bloody hell! I actually feel quite emotional, the speccy is now another year older. 25 friggin years, like woah man. Now lets get one thing clear, I am proud of the speccy, its much much better than the commodore 64 and the Amstrad put together. Lets here it for the speccy. yay!!!!!

So, the central cavern once more. Its been a while, please accept my most humble apologies for not erm finishing the thing until now. My judgment has been a bit clouded after too much of the old oregano on my spaghetti if you follow me ;-)

By now you should now be able to jump over that yellow thing on the conveyor belt. The thing with a trumpet sort of thing on its head and teeth in its belly. How the fuck did Matthew Smith dream up such a horrific demon I'll never know.

Follow this exactly to the letter. IT IS CRUCIAL I KID YOU NOT. keep jumping up until you are on the top level. Now press 'right' and keep it pressed while also pressing 'jump' and keeping it pressed, this will cause you to repeatedly jump. This might sound crazy because along this top platform are all manor of spikes and deadly bushes, quicksand and shite. But if you trusted me and did exactly as I said you'll jump under and around and thus avoid all that danger and also collect all the keys. Its amazing, the first time I did it my heart was racing so much I thought it would beat out of my chest. Then my hands got clammy and I almost fainted.

Next time I'll tell you how to get back down to the exit and beyond ...