Sphagnum

Greetings earthlings, Dr Natty Inkspot of the united federation of space hoppers and intergalactic warfare tribunal here again. I'm just back from a trip in the delta quadrant actually. I tell you I love going there they have the best sphagnum moss in the galaxy. What happens is you light it up using a pipe like those ones you get on the planet earth in the 20th century. Take a couple of puffs and the next thing you know you are on a rocket ship to Mars I tell ya, floating around the place with really itchy ears. Amazing stuff, then you get cold sweats and finally black out. Amazing! On my next trip I'm gonna get some Gilliweed, I'll be sure to let you know what sort of a bang you get from that so stay tuned in.

Peace Talks a Success

Good news everyone. The unsavory dispute which has torn ie Ulpster Churnal apart in recent weeks has finally been resolved.

All round good guys Henry Kissinger and Richard Nixon decided for the sake of world peace it was imperative that they should intervene. At midday today all five men met up at the old Kyleburn sweet factory to thrash things out. And thrash they did... Aaron that is! The four men pounced on Aaron the minute he walked in the door and dished out a severe kicking. While Ade and Henry set about his face and body, Tony and Richard worked the groin... booting, punching and stamping until he passed out. I doubt think we'll be seeing much of that tube again :)

So loyal readers, the status quo has returned. We are just glad that it could all be worked out peacefully.

Fight!

Hi readers, the dispute with the unamed disgruntled former staff member, reached new depths last night. I was on my way home from the pub last night with Ade. Matt and Aimee had left earlier. Then guess who showed up? Yes you guessed it Dad er Tony. Anyway to cut a long story short he'd had a bit too much to drink and was fuming over the fact that Ade and I are set to earn a fortune from the churnal whilst he gets none when we sell it. I think he'd been drinking bacardi breezers. He roared drunkenly and lurched across the street towards me, then grabbed me by the pony tail and pulled my hair hard. Naturally I grabbed his hair too. A bit less of it but I was able to get a handful and hold on for dear life. The harder he pulled my hair the harder I pulled his. I'm sure it must have been painfull for him because he was shouting 'ah stop stop stop please please'. Then I realised I was also shouting words to similar effect. So we made an agreement to both let go at the same time but after counting to 3 when the agreed moment came he didn't let go! The dirty shit. Well naturally I didn't let go either.

But then he did let go and started nipping me. Ade tried to intervene but before he could I started pinching Tony. If he can't take the medicine he shouldn't dish it out. So I gave him double medicine.

Anyway hopefully this is an end to the whole sorry state of affairs. We wish Tony all the best in his future endeavours.

Aaron

Mad Matt’s Music

…whatty? What do you want? Music? Oh I see!

Hello! Time for more from me, Mad Matt, and my magical music collection!

Today I’m reviewing one hell of an album, Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.

The whole thing is virtually all instrumental, though there are some interesting lyrics towards the end (which I’ll get to in good time)

The opening section is note for note a copy of the theme from The Exorcist. Oldfield might have thought he’d get away with it, but I saw straight through it. As the first side of the album progresses there are more speed changes than a trip on the Metro. Fast, slow, fast, slow, what’s going on? If you’re one of those people who likes to walk in time with the music, choose another album, or risk going from snails pace to sprint 6 times a minute.

The end of the first half is some bloke shouting out instruments, and poor mike had to go get the instrument and play that part of the tune on it. Piano to “Reed and Pipe Organ” isn’t so bad but when he shouts out “Mandolin” followed by Tubular Bells Mike was probably exhausted.

The second half of the album has nearly as many speed changes, though it is mainly slower, so it’s very relaxing…until you get to the caveman bit.

Caveman sounds like a man who’s tried to smoke a pipe with the hot end in his gob. It’s a series of grunts, snorts, shouts and screams, all set to quite a heavy guitar driven tune. These grunts are not meaningless however, as Professor David Mackay explains

There seems to be a hidden message in fragmented Gaelic. From what I’ve heard it seems to translate roughly as “Jimmy Miller is the overlord. Worship Him, for He shall rule the world for the rest of time!,” whatever that may mean.

The album closes with The Sailors Hornpipe, perhaps because Mike was driven mad in the process of creating such a complex and strange album. Maybe he was mad all along? We’ll never know.

The album cover is a twisted tubular bell, perhaps the one used to strangle the strange man who shouted out the strange combination of musical instruments, perhaps not. On the sleeve of the record there is a message:

This stereo record cannot be played on old tin boxes no matter what they are fitted with. If you are in possession of such equipment please hand it into the nearest police station.

I’d do as it says, if you don’t he comes to your house and smacks you round the head with your own record player

Tubular Bells is available in any fathers, uncles, or middle aged man’s record collection (oh and mine of course)

Legal Notice

This notice is issued by solicitors acting on behalf of Ie Ulpster Churnal, probably.

Some of the more astute readers will have noticed a drop off in the number of articles appearing in this publication. This is due to an ongoing legal challenge the Churnal has been subject to, brought by a disgruntled former staff writer regarding his dismissal We have sought permission from the courts to issue this explanatory notice subject to the following two caveats, until the legal process has reached it's conclusion.

1. We are unable to identify the perpetrator.
2. We are unable to attach any blame to any person.

Although we are still unable to publish until the matter is resolved, we hope the Churnal will return to normality once that bugger Tony's challenge has been thrown out of court.

Business News

Sources in the Oil and Petroleum Industry advised today that in spite of a recent increase in fuel duty, now is a very good time to replenish fuel stocks, citing historical precedent.

A business analyst who wanted to remain anonymous explained. "It's extremely unusual for fuel prices to come down in price and its likely that the price may increase. Therefore it seems logical that if your vehicle is nearing the empty mark on your fuel gauge you should refill as soon as possible.

Nick Boutros refused to rule out the suggestion that he had insider knowledge so we recommend you follow his suggestion.

Wookie versus Klingon

Luitenent Natty of the imperial spacehopping society here.

Hello readers, I'm just back from the gamma quadrant (at least thats what I told my mam). Incidently, I found Aunty Wendy alive and well in sector Z.Z.Alpha, she's been assimilated by the Borg.

Anyway, people often ask me which is superior, Star Wars or Star Trek? I always respond by telling them to ask the following question instead: Which is better, mystical use of the so called, 'force' or good hard science such as the impeccable logic of Spock? Well you know I always put my faith in science so I thought I'd back up my instincts with a fabulous experiment.

Heres what I did...

I firstly concoted a real fight between a wookie and a Klingon. Of course I didn't have a real wookie neither a real Klingon, so I created a computer model of these two alien beings, both based on my cousin Aaron. I then added a 'klinginess' parameter and turned that up high to simulate a Klingon. I didn't need to add a 'wookiness' parameter in the end as Aaron's natural blueprint was identical to that of a wookie.

So far so good, but alas, When I tried to compile my code I got shit loads of errors man. Zark knows what that was all about so I had to delete it in the end. However I still maintain Gene Rodenberry's created a masterpiece.

Anyway I'm off to boldly go where no man has gone before, and send a brown trout back to the sea.