Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Well a new vehicle registration period is upon us and I have a money saving tip for everyone. Instead of paying a fortune for a personalised number plate with your new car, simply change your name to the registration number you have, et viola, a personalised plate without costing you a fortune.

If you want further information, please email ie churnal at the usual address, marked for the attention of my dad, Mr Aaron KB07 HYT

Jonathan's Jottings

My pal George and I have been discussing the, up until now, taboo subject of 'stuck farts'. I had always thought this phenomenon peculiar to me until George confessed he too occasionally suffered from this. This opened up a whole new can of worms, for instance, is 'stuck fart' the correct terminology, do other people know it under a different name? When I thought it applied to myself alone it mattered not what it was called and perhaps I have inadvertently renamed it.

For the uninitiated, a 'stuck fart' feels like a bubble just at the exit point that just doesn't burst, at least not with a satisfactory tonal quality, and often disappears with no satisfaction derived.

My brother Aaron says that trying to force the issue can be counter productive and lead to the disastrous condition known as a 'lumpy fart'. His recommendation is, as unsatisfying as it is, to let the stuck fart go gracefully. Is this true? or is he just scare mongering?. It seems such a pity to waste a fart, but if the consequences are so draconian? Surely some of the aussie rules aficionado's could elucidate. Please let me know your thoughts on this at the usual address.

Gus' Cookery World - Last chance to eat

You know readers, I want to confide in you this week. I haven't told anyone this before but my biggest regret in life is that I never had the chance to eat the flesh of the Dodo. The late, famed dodo was a clumsy, pigeon-like bird, larger than a turkey which lived on the Indian Ocean island of Mauritius. Its flesh though tough and tasteless could have been spiced up somewhat with a bit of oregano. At least thats what I reckon. Alas this will never happen, the last dodos were killed in the 17th century by those jammy portuguese bastards. Now the dodo is extinct and so on and so forth I will never get to taste its tasteless flesh. Dammit! My heart aches with this tragedy of lost opportunity.

But fear not readers all is not lost, I did have the chance to eat the Kakapo which I always fully intended to do. This large flightless parrot, the Kakapo, is a tragic victim of a quickly changing environment and with danger rushing at it from all sides it's impossible not to love this bird.

The Kakapo was once widespread throughout New Zealand but there are now only 62 Kakapo left, well now actually only 61 hehehe. Having said that though I have to admit that on my recent hunting trip to New Zealand I felt quite sad when I wrang one's neck but after plucking out it's green feathers it just looked like any old meat from the supermarket and turned out to be quite nice, a bit like turkey actually. Anyway I figure that 61 birds would give me a good years worth of eating (or less if cooking for a family) of good healthy portions plus leftovers if I ever considered moving to New Zealand.

Ade's Philosophy Column

The Trouble with Philosophy

Don't get me wrong, I think philosophy is great but it just isn't an 'ology'. Ologies like socialology (well that's a poor example), or psychology just leave philosophy for dead. One of the inherent problems is that philosophical assertions can be more difficult to prove as they are often subjective, whereas for most of the ologies the various considerations can be proven, of course my example of psychology is a poor example of this. It's a bit like comparing a subject like art with mathematics for instance.

Now this can be viewed as either a good thing or a bad thing, it often depends on which side of the fence you are on or indeed which side of the bed you got out of that morning. For all you budding philosophiser's out there my advice is to treat each case on it's merits and I don't mean a dog. Anyone not understanding the joke here should really think of taking up a less demanding profession, doctor or solicitor, something like that.

Hope you're not all intimidated by the size of my intellect.

Ade x

Unnofficial churnal warning

Since getting booted out of the ulpster churnal Tony has been hard at work creating his own ulpster churnal!

Aaron, the new deputy leader of ie churnal, read the following statement on Ade's behalf in response to these revelations, "That old bufty has stolen our idea! He's just trying to cash in by selling this inferior imitation. I must urge our readers not to jump ship to this other churnal. There can be only one! Why does the sun come up in the morning? Are the stars merely pinholes in the curtain of night?"

A reliable source says that Grahame Souness has already put in an offer to buy Tony's ulpster churnal and has pulled out of the race to buy our churnal.

Meanwhile Bill Gates, Google and Apple are said to be monitoring this situation carefully and may pull out of the race to buy ie churnal unless this fake churnal site is closed down.


WARNING UNOFFICIAL CHURNAL - DO NOT CICK THIS LINK

Mad Matt’s Music

Hello! Today I’m going to talk about some mind blowing music! The album I’m talking about today is Journey to the Centre of the Earth, by the keyboard wizard, Mr Rick Wakeman.

It’s best to listen to this album with a big hifi with nice loud speakers, but bring an extra [air of pants, just in case you crap yourself when the music suddenly starts.

The album is a mixture of orchestra and funky 70s rock, with tons of keyboards, which combined, create a very spacey sound, ideal for those Sunday mornings in with your mates, passing the duchy on the left hand side.

There’s even a story told in the music, something about a bunch of idiots trying to get to the centre of the earth, then getting lost, finding a sea, witnessing some horrific sea-monster things battling and then being spat out by a volcano. I’m sure you’ll agree, this is a fine plot, and highly believable.

Overall I rate this album at 4 stars, a highly believable epic tale set to music you can really get spaced to.

Revealed

We have received a letter from Mrs Essie Kye who claims her husband recently won the Aussie Rules FT Championship. She has blown the lid off the secret diet that allowed him to perform so spectacularly. Although threatened with legal action by her husband whose identity we can not reveal unfortunately for legal reasons, we have decided to publish an extract.

My husband recently won an Aussie Rules Contest which was comprehensively covered in ie Churnal and in the interests of "open source" I have decided to reveal the diet he used in preparation for the contest.

His diet follows a two day cycle, repeated for 8 days prior to the contest.

Day one consists :- For Breakfast ------Censored------ on toast, Lunch of ------Censored------ on toast, and Dinner consisting of ----------------Censored-----------------.

Day two consists of :- Breakfast of --------Censored-------- on toast or --------Censored-------- on toast, Lunch of --------Censored--------, and for Dinner --------Censored--------

For Snacks he eats, ------Censored-----, -----Censored----- and any -----Censored-----.

PS Please don't publish my name, Yours Essie Kye.

This is the kind of incisive reporting we need,

Ade

Tony Deposed

It is with a feeling of relief, tinged with more than a little sadness, that I report today the ending of Tony's reign as the self-styled leader of ie Churnal. At approximately 14:10 today, Aaron (the spider eater), and I (the new leader), escorted Tony from the premises of the Churnal, allowing him only to take an already opened punnet of Chinkwi Fruberries with him. The locks have been changed and his access revoked.

Aaron and myself are therefore resuming our duties at ie Churnal so you can expect some more quality news stores in the near future. I would like to stress that this has nothing to do with the proposed buyout of the publication, and definitely not a vehicle to deprive Tony of his share, we both think it's unfortunate that he'll miss out on any windfall but there's nothing we can do about it.

Ade

Bidding war for ie churnal

A bidding war for the rights to ie churnal is anticipated after Tony signaled to the world's stock markets that he is ready to sell his revolutionary internet based publication. Speculation is rife as to who may wish to purchase ie churnal but one expert told us that big hitters of the computing world Google and Microsoft are set to battle it out over the rights for ie churnal. If either one of these technology giants are to succeed and buy the publication then this could turn the co-founders of ie churnal; Baeky, Aaron, Ade and Tony overnight into multi-millionares. While new members Aimee and Matt would get nothing. It is thought that former Liverpool manager Grahame Souness is also interested in buying ie churnal and converting it into a premiership football club.

Aaron resigns

Ulpster churnalist Aaron has handed in his resignation from ie churnal. In a carefully prepared statement which was read by Matt, Aaron said, "I'll be sorry to leave ie churnal but I'm looking forward to moving on to other hopefully bigger things. For example I have an idea to start a new blog of my own about draft excluders and such stuff as that. In any case that cheating puff (Tony) should never have beat me in the ulpster open fart tennis competition earlier this year."

It is not known who will replace Aaron at this stage if anyone. The churnal is still reeling after the sackings of Baeky, Maria, and Ade aswell.