Hitchcock Horror at Lypster Farm

In scenes reminiscent of the Hitchcock film 'The Birds', tin whistle and jaw harp teacher Aimee Feel was savagely attacked on a farm just south of Lypster.

Wendy McCoy (73), had brought daughter Aimee to have a ride on her horse 'Joffer'. Moments after entering the stables to fetch the horse she heard a blood curdling scream followed by some frantic girlie shrieks from the paddock. She dashed outside to see what the fuss was... Aimee had locked herself in her car which was surrounded by dozens of agitated chickens and menacing turkeys. Wendy looked on with mild amazement as she saw the biggest, ugliest turkey scramble onto the bonnet of the car and start pecking the windscreen, seemingly aiming for her daughters eyes!

After gently shooing the birds away Wendy tried to calm Aimee down and persuade her to come out and see Joffer but in the end had to take her home for a cup of cocoa and a nap.

Wendy commented, "I've never seen them act like that before... either they were smelling her fear or she's done one of her her trademark corn farts."

Aimee was unavailable for comment.

Matt’s Guide to Public Transport

Hold on to you're hats folks... ie Churnal is proud to present our latest contributor, South Shields special correspondent, Matt the Hat...

We’re all being told to go green and dump our cars and use public transport. However, if you are not prepared for what is out there, you will not survive.

Lesson 1: The Seating Race

If you are travelling on public transport, you will want to get a seat. There are three things you can do to get a seat:

1) Fake a limp
2) Run towards the seat at full pelt, pushing past people
3) Pulling someone out of their seat

The first, the sympathy method, is only effective if you aren’t on a bus or train full of hard-arsed drunk football fans.

The second, the bulldozer method, gets you a seat at the cost of respect from fellow passengers.

The final method, the “ASBO” method, is risky. Not only could the person you are pulling from the seat punch your lights out, but the rest of the bus or train might take their side, and cause you some problems.

Lesson 2: Standing

Should you fail to obtain a seat, you will have to stand. Without learning how to stand correctly, you could end up in the lap of a drunken football fan who might just knock your block off.

You must do three things to make sure you stay standing:

1) Hold on to anything you can
2) Watch the path of the vehicle
3) Use your waist as a counterweight

Holding on to a bar will restrict your movement should the vehicle make any sharp jerks. Keep an eye on the road or track ahead, and plan ahead for any bumps or jerks. Finally, swing your waist in the opposite direction to the turn.

Lesson 3: Getting off

It is important not to miss your stop, so you must get close to the door of the vehicle just before you are due to get off. If you are on a bus, press the bell ONCE (any more and the driver’s irritation levels go through the roof and he makes you miss your stop). If it is a train, get near the door and make sure you get off before the doors start to close, otherwise you may end up being dragged down the line, only to be flattened by a tunnel wall or another train.

Silver Wedding Party Scuffle

A scuffle very nearly broke out at a family gathering in Scarborough recently, the consequences of which could have been extremely serious. One of the guests apparently called Tony (also a guest at the party) a name!

Witness to the incident Nick Boutros said, "I could see the veins on Tony's temple throbbing, he was obviously very taken aback and I readied myself to intervene, luckily, Tony regained his composure remarkably quickly, I think I was the only one who noticed. After a tense moment or two, the guest retreated with no visible wounds." When asked what name Tony had been called, Nick refused to elucidate.

Ie Churnal reporter tracked Tony down to his hideaway near Ulpster and confronted him. At first he was evasive but eventually commented, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, all my life I've occasionally been called Steve, it's not a problem for me, but I could see that Nick was getting agitated and I was prepared to intervene but he quickly regained his composure."

All efforts by our reporter to find the errant guest failed, but we're still searching!

Seamus's Apple Report

I think the Apple Lady is giving me second hand apples now.

The latest batch of apples came from the Summer Fields Orchard again but they had a sticker on saying "Red Uced", the funny thing is though, they were green apples, what's with that?

Anyway, I'm happy to confirm the quality was acceptable, and as a bonus I managed to snaffle the toy pony's apple too ... Oh joy!

30 PRINT "MARCUS' PROGRAMMING TIPS"

Welcome back Ulbster Journal readers. Once again its time to dust off your keyboards, switch on your CPU's and get back to some extreme programming with me. Actually I just reused some old code to produce this weeks column, I've changed the name though and just picked any old text at random for my display variables. Believe it or not these completely different programs all produce a very similar result!!!

Java
String message = new String( "Naomi is a geek" );
System.out.println( message );

Perl
$message = "Naomi is a geek\n";
print $message;

Python
message = "Naomi is a geek"
print message

REBOL
message: "Naomi is a geek"
print message

Scheme
(define message "Naomi is a geek\n")
(display message)

Small Ads

FOR SALE
1 pair of Boxing Gloves. Excellent condition, hardly used.
Please reply to Box UJ1 at the usual address.

Uncle Jimmy


WANTED
My cup of coffee. I left it in the Sitting Room to reach its optimum drinking temperature and it disappeared, I want it back asap.

Uncle Jonathan


LOST
1 pair of Boxers. Used in a recent Aussie Rules match so in a well-used condition.
If found please contact the Ulpster Churnal by email.

Uncle Nick


WANTED
Someone reliable to carry out an everyday task, must know where the local orchards are.
Please reply to UJ1, photo appreciated.

Seamus


FOR SALE
1 punnet of chinkwi fruberries only 10 bob for you madam.

Uncle Nick


LOST
Is this the way to Amarillo, or do you know the way to San Jose?

W. W. Dubbleyew

Freyja the Slayer

Hundreds of people have rushed to Ulpster to see an icelandic pony defy its herbivore nature by eating live rabbits.

Crofter Angus Sprite said he discovered the horse's strange behaviour almost a year ago when Freyja stood on a rabbit and broke its back,as the rabbit tried to struggle away Freyja lifted it up in her mouth and started trying to chew it.

Icelandic pony eats rabbits

Mel Sprite told us, "Angus had to rescue the poor thing off her and dispatch it painlessly.
What a little bugger! Perhaps I was witnessing evolution in action, herbivores changing into carnivores!"

After that incident Angus realised the potential of using horses to kill rabbits and began to train them to this end.

However, the same horse has reportedly also been eating chickens from a nearby poultry farm, "We were shocked to see that pony sneak up to the coop, it caught a little chick like a jungle cat and gobbled it up alive in seconds.", said poultry farmer Mr O'Brien.

Hoof-lickin' good

A police superintendent in nearby Wick said hundreds of people have been flocking to the croft in Ulpster, with a veterinarian also called in to investigate. "If I had not seen the horse chewing up a rabbit, I could not believe it," said the superintendent.

As Angus casually tossed a few more dead rabbits into the field for his horses to eat, he proudly told us his horse has now been named Freyja the Slayer due to it's habit of slaying rabbits.

Cloning Row Looms

Scientists from the Government Regulatory Authority are currently investigating claims of illegal cloning carried out at a secret location in Ulpster. The claim came to light with the discovery of a photograph picturing the successful result of the experiment.

Molecular cloning refers to the procedure of isolating a defined DNA sequence and obtaining multiple copies of it, is currently illegal to clone human beings in the UK.

Eminent Scientist Natty Nathaniel has estimated from the photographic evidence that the experiment was carried out between 12 and 14 years ago, probably.

The Churnal can exclusively reveal however that this is in fact not the first case of cloning in the UK, new evidence obtained by the Churnal has uncovered a photograph estimated to have been taken in the early 1950's showing a pair of clones, or an original with a clone.

Unfortunately for copyright reasons we are unable to show the earlier photograph.
.

Chinese and New Zealanders at Loggerheads

An almighty row is developing between the New Zealand and Chinese Authorities over the naming of a piece of fruit.

New Zealand spokesman, Ade said indignantly, "Everyone knows they're called Kiwi Fruit!" whilst a spokesman for the Chinese, Mr How Hi announced, "There is no need for discussion, the Chinese Gooseberry is eaten by several million Chinese every day. The sheer weight of numbers would suggest that the New Zealanders have no case!"

In the spirit of international cooperation and harmony, we at the Churnal suggest the compromise name of Chinkwi Fruberry.

Sports Headlines

A recent study concocted by our own churnal staff has revealed some astonishing facts about Sunderland Football Club. In fact they are shite, explained our new sports correspondant Naomi, "I mean do they even know what a goal is? Like no way, whatever!" she said whilst crudely making a homosexual hand gesture and putting on an exaggerated American accent.

Sunderland are shite

Thought provoking stuff indeed but the facts are that Sunderland's players do tend to run around like headless chickens. Tony confirmed this when he said that Manchester United are MUCH better than Sunderland. We asked Naomi to explain more about the Sunderland game plan and she told us, "What game plan? They don't have a clue I actually saw them live on Sky Sports once when they were quite good but even then they were shite, which they still are of course - I mean according to people that know about footy like me and Alan Hansen"

Free Web Survey

Naomi then continued, again using an american accent to illustrate her point further, "it's all about DEfence and OFFence with them", I mean come on, 'they don't even know the offside trap - you know that thing beside the pitch that the manager sits in? Honestly I saw this one game were Sunderland didn't even manage to get a goal and yet conceeded several, meaning that for that game they only got 3 points, or conceeded 3 points or something."

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

My big Uncle Jonathan read me one of the stories in the Churnal the other day and I'm inspired!
I'm convinced I can open a huge, fat, can of whup-ass on Uncle Jimmmy. Even Uncle Nick gave him a hammering, and he's no heavyweight.
I'm quite tall for my age and I wonder if it would be considered bullying if I challenged him to a fight, also, as a novice, I'm wondering how I should approach a fight like this, should I attack him head on, or use his own tactic by approaching him from behind. Any input would be gratefully recieved.

Ade's Philosophy Column

Cartesian Dualism

Whilst I totally reject Cartesian dualism, and free will, I also find that determinism, a close neighbour admitally of free will if you like, leaves me with the feeling there is something missing from my philosophical beliefs.

How can determinism, or being able to 'determine' what path you take as desired, not be free will? The answer, only if your so called choice is pre-determined.

The logic of pre-determined Determinism can not be argued against successfully as any view given for instance that "you changed your mind" can be countered with, "your change of mind was pre-determined!"

Philosophically this is a dead-end, and I'm getting a headache.

Ade x

Nasty incident in Glasgow

Glaswegian man, Aaron C Nesbitt 'the binkey' was in for a painful shock recently when he inadvertantly hurt his foot whilst walking through his own home in Paisley near Ibrox. It is speculated that he may have consumed 'shandy' earlier that evening. Shandy is a potentially intoxicating cocktail of beer and lemonade. These reports of shandy consumption are as yet unconfirmed but it is thought that he could have had as much as two half pints of the liquor.

We managed to track down this colourful local character, Aaron, and ask him what actually happened. Here exclusivley for ie churnal we have Aaron's account of the incident...

Wierd lump

"I just went through to put the light out for morna and switch the radio off and tripped over a washing up bowl that we put our clothes from the washing machine in....", As Aaron spoke little bits of spittle sprayed from his mouth onto our reporter's face however our reporter tactfully didn't wipe it off and continued listening intently as if nothing had happened.

Aaron then resumed, "now I have a weird lump on the top of my foot! It's not unlike that ganglian that Ade had but a bit bigger maybe".

Our reporter then enquired wether it was big and throbbing and Aaron replied, "I think it's just one of those lumps you get when you whack a tendon in the right place.... It's not really sore unless i poke it and I can walk and bend all my toes. My toes feel a bit cold but it may just be because I took my sock off?"

Drank shandy that evening

When our reporter asked Aaron if he had drunk any shandy that evening, Aaron became quite annoyed saying, "your as bad as a SUN journalist. Exploiting misery and suffering", he then grabbed our reporter with his bony fingers and turfed him out out of the flat and into the dark dangerous streets of Ibrox.

We later spoke to Mel about these types of accidents and she informed us, "Theres a possibility that in addition to the injuries to his foot he may have also bitten his tounge but worst of all he may have bruised his ego as happened to me recently."

Ow it actually does look sore!!!

Tia Maria

Before I answer theese weeks letters I want to share a teeny weeny of spanish wisdom with you. In spain we say, "Quien juega con fuego moja la cama!", or en inglish is, "he who plays with fire wets the bed!"

So, on with the letters, vamos!

Tia Maria,

I find that I am shocked quite easily these days by stuff I read on the internet and I'm sorry to say ie churnal is reaching that point too. Next thing you'll be publishing all those naughty swear words like pish for example. I could go on you know. Anyway keep up the good work a big thumbs up to ie churnal,

Simon Cowel

I'm sorry you feel that way Simon, at ie churnal we do not allow words such as 'chuffing', 'winkle' etc to be published - TM

Tia Maria,

I've given birth to a darling little baby whom I have named 'Metadata', however there is still no sign of Lykergus at all. When I went back to the hospital to have Lykergus the other day the nurses looked at me like I was mad.

Yours puzzled,

Beck McSpiz

I want to whisper three words to you that may shock and frighten you, "switched at birth!" - TM

Dear Maria,

I got drunk on Valentines day and accidentally gave my mother in-law a kinky webcam show over skype. Now my wife is refusing to come home from her holiday. What can I do to make it up to her?

Adria... erm I mean, Dixon Fire.


Tis easy no? first you give your wife lots to drink, and than you blame the mother-in-law for leading you on - TM

Hairy brown star, nads, pish, no, I already said that one... arse, chutney ferret, binkey,

Yours

Simon Cowel

Thank you Simon I had not heard of some of those ones - TM


Hi Maria,

Its been a while since there was a fight in these pages, how about matching up that fanny Natty with myself, the winner taking on Robin chickenbreast? I'll have them all out I'm the Scottish champ. Come oan!

Naomi


This is a possibility, perhaps we could arrange some sort of tag match and have both of them take you on at the same time to even up the odds - TM


Dear Tia Maria,

Last Thursday I lost a pound coin in the vicinity of the Ulpster telephone box. Coincidentally, later that day I found a pound coin in the same area. May I use your esteemed publication to ask your readers to contact me if they have found the pound that I lost, or if they think that the pound I have found belongs to them.

Yours, Aim Fire.

Thank you Aim, we will pass any correspondence recieved to you - TM