20 PRINT "MARCUS' PROGRAMMING TIPS"

Hello Ulbster journal readers, yes I am back. Mr. Anarchy may have departed this space, however timelord Tony has assured me that I am definately part of his plans for the future of this journal. In fact I have been promoted to second in command, although I'm not supposed to reveal that yet, so keep it under your hats for now.

Incidentally I also hear that Aaron has been sacked too! (although I can't say 100% for certain on that one, just office rumours, you know things you hear when you are chatting by the water cooler).

Anyway I'm here to explain about programming computers, so lets get on with it. Basically there are two types of programming languages, crap ones like C64 basic and cool ones like BBC BASIC 32K. As you can probably deduce I fall into the latter category. The cool thing about BBC BASIC 32K is that you have mode 7 - which the Acorn Electron never had I might add.

Using extremely advanced programming techniques such as 'spagetthi code' written with extensive use of the extremely powerful GOTO commands I have written many amazing programs such as 'Face Invaders'.

Anyway here is my latest program. What do this think of this?

10 MODE 0
20 PRINT"MARCUS PROGRAMMING TIPS"
30 PRINT"Enter a zero to start afresh"'
40 PRINT"Press 'Enter' after each entry"TAB(40)"Use a minus sign for subtraction"
50 PRINT'TAB(15)"entry"TAB(35)"TOTAL"'
60 GOTO 30

Pretty neat huh? Why not try typing it in and see what will happen. Can you guess what will happen? Remember to type RUN.

see you next time.

Marcus

Tales of the 60's - the central cavern - Part 1

Obviously I'm delighted with my victory over Roy Anarchy, which I never doubted. Aaron, Ade, Gus and Maria don't know how close they got to the sack over that one! So yeah pretty chuffed, I've been working hard to get 'ie churnal up to its current high standards. Didn't want some shite spouting punk to come and take all my hard work away. What a load of pish that Roy was spouting about Simon and Garfunkel. What about Uriah Heep?

Anyway this gives me my chance to share my knowledge with those who still cannot get past the first fiendish level of Manic Miner, 'the central cavern' level. I'll have to serialise it probably as its such a fiendish level, quite long and arduous, a bit like me kicking out that Roy Anarchy guy!

So, on the central cavern start walking to the right under a long platform, which you have to jump through and land on. I still don't know how it is possible to jump through the seemingly solid platform but after about 5 years I've just started to do it without questioning it. Also I can safely say that every time you walk or jump into the bush it will kill you, I have tried walking into it from every angle and never yet survived. Its a mystery why but there you go, take it or leave it.

Now you jump again onto a raised platform and keep walking, if the ground dissolves to nothing under you keep going as fast as you can by repeatedly striking the 'walk right' button. The thing I have learned is not to stop at this point or you fall through back to the bottom and get stuck until you run out of air.

If you manage to get past the quicksand, you can then jump and get a key above you. The next bit is one of the hardest bits; you have to jump to the left onto a conveyor belt and before you know it jump over a bush that is on the conveyor belt. If you let the conveyor belt carry you into the bush it kills you. If you have done it right (which I manage about 2% of the attempts I make) then you find yourself on a platform just above the middle.

The next bit is mental. There is a funny yellow creature walking back and forth on the conveyor belt which kills you at every chance it gets. Timing is critical, if you wait for the right timing for too long as I often do you run out of air and die. It may seem counterintuitive but to get past it you have to run towards it. At the last second jump over it. An important thing to remember is to jump to the left off the conveyor belt rather than falling off the end. Otherwise you get stuck at the bottom and run out of air and die.

Lykergus update

In every corner of the land, only the quiet ticking of watches or perhaps the odd cough or whispered conversation momentarily breaks a long silence which has descended on us. People inspect their fingernails thoughtfully all the while their minds elsewhere. As far afield as Ulpster and New Zealand and even in magical lands up ie faraway tree, people, horses, rabbits and magical unicorns are waiting anxiously for the latest word ...

Gus rearranges his pots n pans in Gus’ cookery kitchen for the umpteenth time. Mel nervously pets her beloved 6 inch long tardigrade. Naomi finds a quiet spot to pump in without bothering anyone else with the hideous smell. Aaron gathers all his underpants up and starts ironing them and folding them up in a neat pile. Even Tony finally stops bragging about his famous victory over Roy Anarchy. On the other side of the world somebody wakes up in the middle of the night wondering …

What is the latest news from Baeky? Has Lykergus arrived yet?

..

Suddenly somewhere a phone rings. A voice is heard to say, "Its news from Baeky". The horses and unicorns look up hopefully, their ears pricked up attentively. The rabbits stand on their hind legs all focusing their soft brown eyes solely in the direction of this telephone conversation now in progress. Yes news from Baeky. “What is it? What is it?” everyone wonders.

Well we at ie churnal can put your minds at rest as we exclusivly reveal what we found out from this very telephone call to one of our reporters. We are proud to announce the latest update on Lykergus...

Baeky’s done a bit of housework lately, watched a bit of celebrity big brother on tv, had a nice curry the other night.

And so the wait continues, and the rabbits and unicorns go back to twiddling their paws and hooves and Aaron puts on his freshly ironed novelty elephant underpants.

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 2

Last we heard, Roy was frantically searching round the shop looking for Tony...

As he disappeared behind a maroon chenille curtain an almighty scuffle broke out with lots of OWs, OOFs and THUDs. Suddenly Tony flew across the room and crashed into a display of buttons, scattering them like marbles. He got up muttering 'I'll show you, you damned dirty punk' before slipping dramatically on the buttons and landing heavily on his coccyx . In a frenzied rage, Tony lurched back behind the curtain. Another epic struggle ensued with Tony occasionally popping his head out only for Roy's hand to grab his neck and pull him back in. Finally, Roy's head appeared, primed to unleash a vicious head-butt.

It was looking bad, and we were fearing the worst for Tony when there was an almighty yowl! Out stumbled the leather-clad challenger clutching his eyes. 'Oi can't bleedin see', cried Roy, stumbling around blindly. As he veered towards the curtain again Tony's arm grabbed him by the neck and dragged him in to finish him off.

'Who's the daddy now', bellowed Tony. 'You can either scarper right now or I'll pin you down and make you say... Chelsea for the cup! The choice is yours'. Roy squeaked, 'Ok, ok... the Churnal is yours' before legging it unseen. A triumphant Tony stepped out and proudly announced, 'Roy's evil reign is over, you're free to talk non-punk related shite again!!'.

Jade piped up, 'Wot u wearing that cod-piece for?', to which Tony blustered, 'erm... I... err... It's a trophy... or something... yeah, a trophy'. Everyone wandered off tutting, looking at their watches and muttering about the pub opening soon.

Gus' late night fridge raid

Friends, readers and countrymen, Gus the pus the diddle iddle us here once again with a slightly different cookery column this time. I thought that as its just past christmas there might still be a few left overs in your fridges needing using up. Here's how...

Once your wife or partner has gone to sleep in the wee hours of the night, sneek through to your kitchen. Without turning on any lights open the fridge door so that you are standing bathed in the dim light of the fridge interior light. Next crouch down with your head right inside the fridge opening and take a deep inhale. This will get your taste buds in the mood for whats to follow, a gluttonous orgy of leftovers consumption! The deep inhale also serves another purpose to alert you in case anything has gone bad in there, in which case try to hold your breath for the remainder of this phase of the operation.

Now I realise that everyones fridges are different so I will describe one of my late night raids from last Thursday, maybe it'll give you some inspiration for your own fridge raid.

First of all grab some bread, I like 'mighty white' myself but Mel rarely buys me it. Anyway, next look for any containers covered over with saucers or tupperwares and examine the contents by eating handfulls of whatever is inside. In mine last Thursday I found some bits of chicken skin in one tupperware with a few fragments of stuffing too - Jackpot! In the next one there was some fairly dry mashed potatoe - You Beauty! Next you want lots of wholegrain mustard, layer that in thick, then you'll need a couple of slices of every kind of cheese there is in there. Get that in there, doesn't matter how many types you put, the more the better. Last Thursday I had 4 dairy lea triangles, cheddar with apricot, some dry edam that had to be finished off and a sprinkling of parmasan.

To finish off put a bit of buttered bread on top and either eat cold or bung it in the microwave for a couple of seconds. If choosing the latter, you are aiming for it to cooked unevenly with some cold regions in it for the perfect snack. If you want pudding you can always have a jam and sugar sandwich with a digestive bicuit in the middle.

Seamus's Apple Report

I'm absolutely sure that today the woman who delivers my apple was eating one herself. Honestly, you just can't trust anyone these days. I've actually seen her giving my apples to a toy pony and a goat.

Anyway, I'm again pleased to say that the quality of the apples this week have been good. this week they came from an orchard on the other side of town with the pleasant name of "Summer Fields"

I have bad news, my Spectrum 48k has crashed, terminally this time, something to to with the power supply unit. However the apple lady has access to a 128k Spectrum so I'm hoping to be able to continue my reports using her equipment.

Neighh

10 print "Marcus' programming tips"

20 GOTO 10
30 REM You won't ever get here... hence never read this entry! Get it? ha ha ha Anyway, hello Ulbster journal readers, Marcus here. A really nice bloke called Roy Anarchy has brought me in to shake up the journal and tasked me with writing an interesting article about programming. Who better than I? I thought and so here I am, obviously having mutually agreed to the terms, (and quite a tasty little deal into the bargain, I'm going to get $23 grand over 5 years and keep my image rights, not bad eh?)

For my first column I thought I'd start off with some quite easy code for you to get your teeth into. What do you think of this?

@import url(../css/richedit.css);
@import url(../css/spellcheck.css);
@import url(../css/blogger.richedit.css);

// hide it while the CSS loads
#unreachableError {
display:none;
}

Pretty interesting eh?

Well I think that is quite self explanitory, I'll go a bit further in depth next time.

Marcus

Ie Fight for Ie Churnal - Part 1

The last few days have been quite unsettling here at the offices of Ie Churnal. As you are aware, our blog was hijacked by a rather unsavoury, leather codpiece-clad bloke going by the moniker Roy Anarchy. His assertion that Tony was a wuss seemed spot on as Roy's appearance coincided with our so-called leader vanishing in our time of need. Only Jonathan and new staff members Seamus and Maria were brave enough to defy Roy's new 'punk only' policy.

Uneasiness gave way to alarm when an eerie resemblance between Roy and Tony was noted. Also, whenever Roy left the office for a slash, Tony would appear, fists in the air shouting 'Put em uuuuup, p-huut em uuuuup' in a breathless, cartoonish way. This continued for much of Saturday but eventually by way of a flurry of post-it notes left by Tony and Roy, a time and a place to settle the matter was arranged... Noon on Sunday at the Ie Ulpster haberdashery.

Eager for a conclusion to this unpleasant episode, Ie Churnal staff and hordes of fans gathered inside the shop (OK, I exaggerate... Ie Churnal staff and Jade). Anyway, at 12 o'clock sharp Roy came bursting in through the back door... 'Where is heeee!! Oi'm gonna punch 'is teeth so far down 'is throat that he'll whistle when he farts', and with that started checking behind the drapes, curtains and rolls of fabric in search of Tony.

Did Tony turn up? Did he fight? Find out soon!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tia Maria

Hola! Well as you may know I have now taken residency of the churnal hotseat, ie the agony aunt spot. I'm sure that you will find my advice agreeable and hope you find it useful. Incidently I speak multi languages including a little bit of English and Greek too so please get those questions coming and I'll see what I can do. - Maria

Dear Maria,

I have found that when I drink 6 cups of coffee late at night, nice and strong and black the way I like it, like I like my men. I get kind of hyper like and cannot sleep. Is this a problem?

Yours

Morna

Morna Querido, Usted no necesita preocuparse de su problema. ¿nunca he encontrado cualquier persona otro con el problema que usted describe, pero no es axactly tierra que rompe es él? - Maria


Dear Maria,

I am writing to offer my support to Tony, that scurrilous windbag Roy Anarchy deserves a damn good kicking. By the way, have you noticed how alike they look? are they related at all?

Yours, Ophelia Balls

Thank you for your letter, this really should have been addressed to the Editor as it is not a problem as such - Maria


Dear Maria,

No offence intended but your advice to people with problems is shite compared to our dearly missed and founding member of e' churnal. Of course I am referring to Baeky, when will Baeky be coming back. The people of Ulpster, nay the whole world, want her back!

Yours Baeky er I mean er Mrs McSpiz

I understand your concerns and am aware that I have a job on my hands filling Baekys shoes. I am confident though that after a week or so you will have forgotten she existed. I seem to recognise your handwriting, have you written to me before? - Maria

Dear beaky

do you have any homespun recipes for a black eye and brocken ribs

yours

Uncle Jimmy?

I shall answer this on Baeky's behalf. For a black eye I can recommend you go to the Kop-end at Anfield on a match day wearing an Everton shirt, you may even manage the broken ribs with the same method, but a sure fire way is to pretend you're Superman and leap of the top of a building. - Maria

Hola Tia Maria,

Es possible tener una solucion de mi problema por favor?

Muchas Gracias, Essie Kye

Soy seguro que puedo ayudarle, pero desafortunadamente usted se ha olvidado de contornear cuál es su problema, hee hee - Maria


Dear Baeky,

I just want to wish you luck over in the states playing for Galaxy LA. I for one have long admired your long ball game.

Yours Greg Grig-Grog

Thank you for your kind wishes Greg, I shall pass them on to Baeky as she no longer works for the Churnal - Maria



AAAAhhhmmm gonna to hav yeeees aaaall ooot for this defication of character. Avvvee neva had a fight in me life apart from with Mel, Wen , Becky, unkle Martin, Ann, me mam, Freeday n' saraday, with kevn keegan n' all the mags etc etc

Uncle Jimmy

Ahh a grammatical error there Jim, the phrase "Avvvee neva had a fight in me life..." should have read, "Avvvee neva won a fight in me life (period)" Hope you're feeling better soon - Maria

Dear Maria,

After reading the report from Roy Anarchy, I would like to offer my support to Tony, I think he's done a fantastic job of taking Ie Churnal into the 21st Century.

Yours, Juan Kerr

That's nice dear, now run along - Maria

Seamus's Apple Report

As some of you may know my owners have arranged the provision of a daily apple which I have to say is very decent of them. However, the quality of said apples is variable to say the least. I shall be keeping you posted as and when necessary.

I'm happy to advise all concerned that this weeks apples are of good quality, I believe they come from Tesco which I believe is an orchard close by.

By the way, has Baeky had her foal yet?

Neighh

Jonathan's Jottings

My Brush with Danger!

I would like to share with you all a shopping experience of mine. About two weeks ago I and my dad went shopping in the city centre of Wick, happy to avoid the Christmas shopping crowds in Ulpster.

The very first shop we visited had a pram outside with what at first sight appeared to be a baby in it. Our suspicions were aroused when we realised the pram was completely unattended, however, we decided, discretion being the better part of valour, to beat a hasty retreat. We thought no more about this until on exiting the second shop we were astounded to note that the pram had followed us and was waiting outside, again unattended. This was so disconcerting that we both immediately took a couple of steps backward back into the shop. After some discussion we decided we would try and make a break for it once there was some cover of a few people leaving the shop. After what seemed like an eternity an opportunity arose but on leaving the shop again, we found the pram had hidden. With our hearts in our mouths we slowly made our way to the cafe, running from one bit of cover to another with me scouting ahead.

After safely negotiating the dangerous terrain to the cafe, we had a cup of tea and a Tunnochs Caramel Wafer (Mmmmmm) all the time giving nervous looks towards the door. It's at times like this that you wish you were in the company of Uncle Nick, or even Uncle Jimmy who would at least bite and scratch in a fight, instead of your wimpy dad

It was time to go, we made a mad hectic dash to the safety of the car, and breathed deeply before congratulating each other. I believe if we had dallied at all that pram would have found us again

Who says nothing exciting ever happens in Caithness?

Enough is enough!

Roight! Can I have everyone's attention? OK you plebs, I've just about had enough of your so-called leader. Tony's tyrannical reign must end now! After he single handedly engineered the departure of Baeky, one of the original founders of Ie Churnal back in 1991, he promised an exciting new direction and a dramatic increase in readers.

From what I can see the Churnal has steadily gone downhill since that fateful day. What with stories about underpants and tardi-bloody-grades (what ever the fudd they are), flipping hell.... musical cats, trips to the local take-away? The list of wazz just goes on and on. I mean, what the chuffing fart happened to all the serious science and cookery columns? I'm sure everyone, like me, assumed the new direction would be to change this sorry blog into some sort of Punk Fanzine. Grrrrrrrrr! I think I'm going to blow my top.

Anyways, I'll get to my point, and yes I dare to say this.... I, Roy Anarchy, am your new leader. If you don't like it then I'll stuff your mouth full of my snotty hankies. I vow to turn Ie Churnal into the retro punk blog that the readers are crying out for. Look out for my first album review of 'The Simon and Garfunkel Collection' in the near future... and tell your friends or I'll rip your arms off and poke you in the face with the soggy ends.

Tony... if you want your beloved Churnal back then you'll have to fight me for it, I'll be here waiting for you, you brother of a butter knob! I won't be holding my breath mind as I suspect you're a chicken supreme.... buck, buck, buckaaaah!!!

Interview with Mel Sprite - part2

Churnal: In our previous interview you told us about your discovery of a beetle new to science! How did this discovery change your life?

Mel: Well first off, ah want to get something off me chest. You made me owt to be dead geordie in that last interview! Ah just want to say ah don't think ah speak like that in real life. Ah've lived in Scotland most of me life am sure most people would say I have a Scottish accent nowadays. Its not nice to distort the truth like that, you churnal people should be ashamed! Still ah don't mind really cos at least you stuck to the facts n that.

Churnal: Really sorry about that Mel, no offence was intended at all but we do try to make sure we get our facts right.

Mel: None taken man, none taken. Just thought ah'd mention it ye knaa. So, yeah it changed me life dramatically discovering that beetle. It wasn't long before deals were coming in for TV shows and that. With all the money rolling in from that ah went out and fullfilled me life's dream by buying me first pony. I imported it from Shetland. It almost drowned during the crossing, luckily by kicking extra hard with my fins I managed to keep its head above water all the way to Caithness. Horses aren't really good swimmers you see - except for sea horses. Ah loved that horse. It was called Star, named after the girl in the Lost Boys film.

Churnal: That's really interesting. We've heard you now have several icelandic horses on your estate, living in a magical forest.

Mel: Ha ha ha magical forest. Its not really 'that' magical but yeah I do. They are called Freyaday, Saraday, Prins and Drotningday. Eventually ah want to get one for every day of the week so that ah can rotate them on a daily basis. But its been great getting to know them and studying their psychology and that. You can imagine how hard its been getting them all the way from Iceland though! I consider myself to be a bit of a horse whisperer these days, except sometimes ah have to shout at them. Me husband has been training them to kill rabbits.

Churnal: So is it fair to say that horses are your main focus now, scientifically speaking?

Mel: Yeah as far as me research goes, I'm planning to cross-breed equus caballus with equus unicornus, which we get running around our forest. Equus is the genus name for horses and their close relatives ye knaa. There can be many species in a genus. Equus unicornus is otherwise known as the common unicorn of Eastern Caithness.

Churnal: Wow that sounds amazing. You are going to cross breed horses with unicorns?

Mel: Well its not that amazing really, although I don't think it has been done yet with horses and unicorns, so it would be another first for science and another ambition fullfilled for me and it wouldn't do my reputation any harm. But there are many other examples of this kind of work around for example the common or garden 'mule' is simply a cross between an equus asinus and an equus caballus, or an ass and an arse, if I remember right.

Churnal: But we thought unicorns were mythical creatures?

Mel: Yeah so did me husband and I, but it turns out there are loads of them running around large as life in our forest.

Churnal: Unicorns?

Mel: Yeah little unicorns, with little horns in their little heads, aw they're so beautiful, they look just like little roe deer ye knaa.

Churnal: So whats the actual difference between unicorns and roe deer?

Mel: Eeee you know what? Ah don't know, ah'll have to look it up. You've got me there. Ah think its something to do with the number of horns they have n that. Of course in real life unicorns bear little resemblence to those portrayed by legend. Just as in real life mermaids are actually fairly ugly creatures called manatees.

Churnal: Well unfortunatley thats time up for this interview, once again its been a real honour to speak to you and thanks again for your time Mel. Goodbye