One of the old articles in the Churnal is easily due an update as the old directions are ten years out of date now and what with all the old roads being demolished to make way for high rise buildings and monster Retail Parks, and new roads being integrated, the landscape has changed out of all recognition. The old directions are just not reliable. Plus I have moved half way across the world which changes things somewhat.
1. Have someone book a flight to Heathrow and a hire car on arrival. I can't stress enough how important it is for someone responsible to carry out the first step as it is easily the most difficult. As an indication of how important this is, the last time I asked my wife (who is usually very trustworthy), to book our flight to New Zealand the journey took over a year. Most of it was taken up with airport transfers, actual flight time came to less than 12 hours probably.
2. Taxi to the airport.
3. After landing at Heathrow drive West to the M25 and leave at A1
4. Follow the A1 as far as you can, then switch to the A9
5. Follow the A9 until you reach a T junction, take a right, then a left, then right, then left to the top of the hill. (If like me you have trouble with your left and right and you turn the wrong way at the junction you will not end up at Tony's house, one trick I have found to evercome this is to tie a bit of string on your right hand, check with the wife before you tie it on, otherwise you could be tying it on the wrong hand. Then the directions will be . . . . At the T junction, take a string, then a no-string, then a string, then no-string to the top of the hill) Now, if you reach another T juntion you have gone too far, but don't despair, there is an easy way to get back on track. Follow the signs to Wick. Then follow the signs to Inverness, but don't go all the way. You will come to a roundabout which you must go fully round and then follow step 5 again (many's the time I have done this myself, how I laughed when I found I had done it three times in a row.)
Ade x
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Directions to Tony's House
Monday, October 30, 2006
Advanced Physics with Morna
Welcome to my absolutely fabulous and infinitely interesting wee corner of the Churnal. In time I will teach each and every one of you readers physics to an advanced level. Now darlings, before you all scroll up (or down) to the next story let me put your minds at rest. There will be no mind numbing text books or dusty grey old men waffling about pies in my column. I love to teach the king of all sciences using simple everyday examples so even the duhs can pick it up easily.
I'm sure that you are all aware of the fact that Concorde stretches by up to four metres during supersonic flight. Although this sounds excessive, due to the extraordinary length of the planes shaft (7.5 terra-inches) the change is proportionally insignificant and can easily be controlled with some heat resistant paint. Now here's the science girls, pay attention. The only way that you can spot that the stretch has taken place is to carefully check the edges of the carpet inside the plane itself. If there are bare floorboards all around the skirting boards then you are travelling at (or approaching) supersonic speeds. Using the following equation, (where L = The visible length of floorboards in metres) you can actually calculate exactly how fast you are travelling using nothing more than your trusty pocket tape measure.
(L + 1) x 0.5 = s (Speed in Mach)
Generally speaking, over 1 metre of bare floorboards indicates you are breaking the sound barrier. Which rather beautifully takes me to my next point.
Before the first supersonic aircraft was flown there was endless speculation from the gorgeous boffin fraternity. Such as, 'Will people at the back of the plane hear something that the pilot said before he even says it?', 'Will we catch up with conversations from the plane in front?' and 'Will the plane be bombarded with everything that was said on the Journey all at once after the plane has landed?'. Of course we now know that nothing out of the ordinary appears to happen when travelling even at twice the speed of sound. Here comes the science bit boys, pay attention. The boom that you hear when a plane breaks the sound barrier is actually the rupturing of the Sound-Time Continuum. When you speak when travelling at these speeds your words are sucked into the tear in time where they then gush down some sort of quantum string. Rather like when you put the tap on too fast when filling a rounded vase, soaking yourself in the process, the words woosh along the bottom and up the rear of the rupture before exiting the same point that they came in. As it is a tear in time the process appears to be instantaneous to the persons having the conversation so they remain oblivious to what is going on.
Finally I'd like to clear up a much debated topic. This is 100% true, try it if you don't believe me. As you are approximately 11 miles high when flying on Concorde and travelling faster that the earth rotates, it is possible to step out of a Concorde and gently float out of the Earths atmosphere. Honestly, don't listen to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise.
After this first lesson you should all now be up to the same level of physics knowledge as second year University students. Next lesson we shall try and get you up to and prepared for the start of your all important 3rd year. Check back soon as I'm missing you all already. Mmmmwah.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Letters to ie Churnal's favorite agony aunt
We are very happy to welcome back Baeky to ie churnal. As usual she is here to help with any of your problems. Here is a selection below.
Dear Baeky,
Many years ago I saw a letter in ie churnal where a young lad had a large slimey, brown, smelly, growth in his boxer shorts. The damnedest thing is the same thing happened to me shortly afterwards but I never kept my copy of 'ie churnal' and cannot remember the reply. In my case the growth is not slimey anymore, more kind of dry and with a cracked surface. If I prise it open slightly I can see what may be a peanut. Is it cancer?
Yours Aaron
Dear Baeky,
Without fear of contridiction I say horses are the best animal, look at mine for example, much better than cats. Can you ride a cat? Like no way, whatever! Can a dog jump over a gate with you on its back. Hello? No way!
Mel
You are close, but no cigar, it's a well known fact that the best animal is a Unicorn which can do all the things you say AND poke you with a sharp pointy bit too - Baeky
Dear Baeky,
got some back copies of VIZ ? immy Miller for president?
Jim
Dear Baeky
I've got a bun in the oven. How do I know when to take it out? Should I wait until it has turned brown?
Yours,
Bunny Becky's Big Buns
Dear Baeky,
I had a bun in the oven until today. All seems well as it is a nice dark brown colour. I have wrapped it in swaddling cloth and put it in a cot but it is stinking the room out. Is this normal and what can I do about it?
Yours,
Rude Dan Bum Baby Man
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Tony's whacked out tales of the 60's
We have a big tradition of travel stories in ie Churnal lately. But I'm going to embark on a trip further than you could ever imagine this week. Not traveling through the 3 dimensions of spatial eh ... stuff. No, we'll be traveling through the dimension of time. Thats right! I'm going to take you on a fantastic journey through the fabric of time itself. Can you imagine? With me you will revisit the hey day of the Rutles. Never thought it was possible? Well come with me now and lets travel through time to the year 1960-something.
But how can I travel back through nearly half a century of time? Surely its not possible! Should I get a new physics book as the laws of space and time have been re-written? Possibly. Or get in a space-ship and travel through a worm-hole in space? No way, I've told you a million times don't exaggerate.
All you have to do to enter the unreal dimension of the 1960's is continue reading with me Tony, your shall we say, timelord, and, dare I say it, leader of the Ulpster churnal. The time travel should just happen around you as you read my words of wisdom, and your imagination takes you away.
Anyway, lets now step backwards off the cliff of reality. Or as you might say follow the white rabbit, and it will seem like you are actually there on the moon with Neil and Buzz Lightyear and George and Ringo. Pretend you are smoking pot with Bob Dylan or if like me you find pot difficult to obtain, you can smoke bannana skins for the exact same effect. In fact I've just skinned one up myself. Now lets imagine 'rolling' back the years to the golden era of the 60s.
So now our mental preparations are complete and finally we can begin. Watch carefully with me as time slows down, ever slower and stops and begins to rewind. Lets start by pretending computers are regressing from today's whopping 128K, back down to a measly 48K and then to 16K and then only 1K in black and white and then beyond to 8 bytes, then 4 bytes and finally just one byte, then 4 bits, 2 bits and finally 1 bit! Yes, 1 bit computers. And now imagine VHS recorders turning backwards into Betamax videos and shite like that.
As we zoom through the 90's you notice other bits of technology becoming out-dated and crappier, thats how you know you are time traveling. Come with me now as the seconds rewind backwards, now becoming minutes, becoming years, the 80's now whizzing past backwards and my beloved Liverpool dominating Eurpoean soccer. My hair is now regaining its glorious ginger colour of old. At around this point you should imagine a special effect such as lines of light whooshing into the centre of oblivion until we get sucked up into our own existence, now the seventies, getting quicker, disoriented, time sucking me in..... Woooooooooooooosh.
Don't be scared, remember I am here too. And here we are finally we are in the year 1960!!! Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape! This is the actual moment in history when sex and drugs was invented. People used to put LSD on their cereal in the morning. Smell the air, notice how clean it is? In the year 1960 there were only around 200 motorvehicles in existence! Now, look around, yes thats right the 60's is in colour. Unlike popular misconception, the 1960's were in colour most of the time. It was just black and white TV that was black and white.
Phew, after all that time travelling I'm ready to go back to the comfort of the future or is it the present? and my 128K mean machine. Hope you figure out how to get back to the future yourselves, see you later... maybe !
Zzzziiiiizzzzziiiiimmmmmmmmm
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Ade's Philosophy Column
Isn't it amazing how a persons path through life can vary by seemingly unrelated incidents?
Take the case of my cousin, who for reasons of anonymity I shall refer to only as subjectA. Subject A. has recently become interested in cricket. It began when he rescued a frog from almost certain death and research into their eating habits revealed that they were a cricket loving species.
Aaron, err I mean Subject A. continued his research into cricket and found hidden nuances to the game and has become a very creditable spin bowler!
A further case to illustrate this point is that of Subject B. He made a somewhat innocuous remark along the lines of, "I wonder what it's like on the other side of the world?" and ended up having his home sold and was packed off to New Zealand by his wife who did not understand that this was a rhetorical question.
I like the way human beings can overcome what at first seem to be insurmaountable problems. for instance, my wife Maria, who speaks a little Spanish, my sister who speaks a little french, and myself who also speaks a little Spanish, are all able to communicate perfectly well using English . . . Who would have thought that?
I love being a philosopher, once upon a time I couldn't even spell it, but now I are one.
It's a Hard Nick Life
We at the Churnal recently received a letter from a certain Nikos Butros Butros Dickos regarding Ade's Travel Column.
Dear Ade,Well, we at the Churnal like to do things a little different. We thought that we would send one of our reporters round to Nikos' flat and follow him round for a day to see how the other (dull and slightly common) half live. Reporter X takes up the story...
The reason I and many others want to gut you is probably the fact that our lives are a bit prosaic in comparison. Went to work, came home, watched Corronation St. and so forth. I'm sick and tired of opening magazines, papers and blogs and reading about exciting exotic adventures such as yours. What about us normal people leading normal lives?
Yours incandescent with rage,
Nikos Dickos.
09:00 – I arrive at Nikos' one bedroom flat and knock on the door. Some fifteen minutes later I am greeted by a bleary eyed, grimy white Y-front clad figure and subjected to a shocking torrent of verbal abuse... “What the chuffing hell do you want you slimey, bastard of a reporter? Did I not say nine o' fucking clock you twatty arse pudding? I run on Greek time divint ya nah... that means nine shitting thirty...”. This continued without even a pause for breath until exactly nine thirty when he suddenly calmed down and invited me in for a nice cup of tea.
09:50 – Nikos tells me that he needs to pop by his work to do a couple of things and that I may come along for the drive if I like. I follow him to his innocuous looking coat cupboard into which he proceeds to leap. On closer inspection I see it contains a fireman's pole and he is sitting, impaitently waiting for me to join him, some 30 feet below in his idling Aston Martin. I tentatively follow and note that on his way down he has somehow slipped into a rather dapper Armani suit. The second I plop onto the seat beside him he puts the pedal to the metal and with a screech of the tires we are suddenly speeding through a tunnel carved from the bedrock. Moments later we burst through some bushes and into daylight again.
10:15 - A rather uneventful journey at speeds in excess of 100mph ensues before a mysterious mountain looms on the horizon. Nikos pulls over to the side of the road, instructs me to get out the car and for my own good, not to move from that spot. With another screech of the tires he zooms off and I am alone, standing in the October drizzle, in middle of nowhere. I watch him approach the base of the mountain which then appears to open and swallow him up. Obviously it is just the drizzle playing tricks on my eyes.
19:15 – Chilled to the bone and utterly pissed off I am just about to start the long walk home when a black helicopter comes flying out of the top of the mountain. Well, that's what it looks like, I assume it must have come from behind or something. A minute or so later it is hovering above me and a rope ladder descends. From a loudspeaker booms a familiar voice, 'come on climb in, we don't want to miss Corrie'. Wearily I clambered up the ladder and into the chopper to find a stoney faced Nikos at the controls.
19:25 – After a low level flight weaving in between bungalows and two up, two downs we land on the roof of Nikos' flat. He instructs me to get out and help him cover his chopper with a camouflage sheet. Next he saunters over to his rather oversized chimney and leaps into it. I peer down and see that it too is decked out with a fireman's pole. By the time I slide down, Nikos is sitting in front of the TV in his Y-fronts, with a microwave dinner on his lap and a tin of Special Brew in his hand. I start to speak only to be told, 'shut it, Corrie is starting'. This seems like a good time to leave so I let myself out the front door and thank my lucky stars that my life isn't as dull as poor Nikos'.
In summary I would say that there is a good reason we do not cover ordinary peoples, ordinary lives in the media. I could have saved myself from one of the most boring days of my life had I just taken his word for things. His day was quite literally as described in his letter, he went to work, came home and then watched Coronation Street. I think it goes without saying that the Churnal will not be back to report on this humdrum, day-to-day, crap again.
Shocking new research into farting
A shocking new study into farting in humans has been conducted at the University of Harvard and the results could have far reaching implications for all of us. Dr Nathaniel Inkpot BSc Phd ABc Def explains, "The idea of increasing output of gaseous emissions and smelly greenhouse gases in the species homo sapiens first came to me when I was holding down one of my research students in order to fart in her face as a joke. Crucially at that exact moment I let one of my specials eek out, I realised that this was the second or third time I had played this prank in the last half hour, a rate I had never previously achieved without consuming vast quantities of cabbage beforehand. You could say this was my Eureka moment, like when Newton fell out of an apple tree"
In order to test this theory we conducted our own investigations, starting off by holding the microscope up to ourselves. "The worst time was when my dad farted on my cousin's face during a Kick Off 2 tournament" recalled Aaron with a shudder, "I was just thankful it wasn't me. I don't recall how smelly it was but I would guess it was pretty rotten though, my dad tends to brew them for a long time, sometimes years."
We then interviewed Nick, the current British and Commonwealth farting champion, to learn more on this fascinating subject. "When I'm training for a competition I eat lots of curry", he explained, "this is essential for the brewing process, the secret ingredient that really gives me an edge though is the pickled egg, I find one is usually more than sufficient. With this technique I have been able to sustain one long fart whilst running completely around a pool table one and a half times."
It seems there are countless people with similar experiences too, take the case of Ms N of Glasgow whom we'll refer to as Naomi, farted, stank of eggs. It doesn't end there, Aimee Miriam, silent but violent. Mr Marcus, smells of Cheesey McCoys crisps. Wendy, loud and proud... If any of our readers has had a close encounter with farting or knows someone who has, we at the churnal would be very interested to hear about it.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Uncle Jonathan's Jottings
Well, if my wee nephew cand do it, I spose I'd better show willing, and I'm not talking about pooing in the toilet. Incidentally, I noticed there was no mention of Ade in that article, well there was actually but I paid no attention to it, anyway he stopped pooing in his nappy several months ago, what gives?
Anyway, I thought I'd share with you all a points system I have devised in order to obtain a Playstation for my birthday. I surmised that with an allocation of a point for being good, twelve points should be easily attainable BUT, that mean spirited duo, my mum and dad, keep taking points off me for nothing! I mean, I have to do everything around here, dress myself, brush my teeth, watch tv, go to bed etc AND, end up with negative equity for my trouble, it's appalling. I'm off to complain to my MP, (did I mention I that I sat next to Jamie Stone at school?
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Aden's Pearls of Wisdom
Hello everybody. My dad keeps harping on about this Ulpster Churnal thing. Obviously, with me being only three years old, I was no more than a wee tadpole swimming around in his nads when the original paper was doing the rounds. Nevertheless, I still feel I have something to contribute. In fact, I was reading on the 'Cbeebies Advanced Science for Kids' website that us nippers have a far greater capacity for absorbing information than you crumblies do. If you slow, aged people still haven't twigged yet... That means that you should be learning from me! So, try and focus those clapped out old brains of yours and enjoy the first of my 'Pearls of Wisdom'...
What dawned on me this afternoon (while I was trying to hold in my poo until I got my bedtime nappy on) is that Daddy poos in the toilet, Mummy poos in the toilet, Granny poos in the toilet, Uncle Ade poos in the toilet, Aunty Aimee poos in the toilet and Uncle Jonathan poos in the toilet. In fact everybody poos in the toilet.
(sigh) With all this talk of poos I wish bedtime would hurry up so that I can poo too.
Beck obesity rumours denied
People sitting in their offices at lunchtime reading the latest gossip feeds on the internet or opening up the latest emails, forwarded all around the world twice, have gazed at the latest pictures of Dan Macfar, ex policeman, and his glamerous wife Quite Posh Beck on holiday in Malaysia, and begun to form the inescapable conclusion that Beck is definately piling on the pounds.
We interviewed Beck's sister-in-law, Maria, a professional aquatic body guard, who is currently exiled in New Zealand who told us "I never noticed if Beck had binged on steak and cheese pies washed down with several beers while she was here, but the rest of us certainly did, mmmm yummy or as we say in Spain, mmmm muy bueno esta comida es fantastica, me gustan los pasteles particularamente y desde luego las cervezas tambien ..." Maria went on like this babbling in spanish for several minutes before we managed to interrupt her, Maria's husband Adrian then added, "Beck was stuffing her face with medium helpings of salad, it was revolting to look at".
The shocking truth of the matter is that while these New Zealand and Malaysian photos do hint at her tummy expanding at an alarming rate. Eye witnesses more recently say the problem is getting greater as time passes. Unconfirmed reports suggest Beck is begining to look like she has consumed a space hopper. Even more shocking is the fact that her husband Dan is looking increasingly immaciated. Beck and Dan themselves have admitted that Beck is eating for two, however they disagree that Beck is becoming obese. However we at ie churnal conclude otherwise. Poor Dan is obviously left scavanging for small morsels here and there which Beck has not guzzeled all to herself. While these rumours are difficult to authenticate at this time the fact that Beck has rarely been seen in public in New Zealand for several weeks now suggest that she is indeed hiding from the spotlight
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Gus' Cookery Tips
Move over Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay you big pair of poofs. Theres a new kid on the block, yes me Gus. On the chef's block I mean. If chefs have blocks? I must look that up on Wikipedia, do chef's have blocks?
I must say I'm very happy to be back with ie Churnal after a few years interlude in which I lived in Tibet, seven years in Tibet it was. I perfected a lovely stew whilst living there called Yak Stew. Anyway I've fretted for several weeks about this article, seven weeks in fact. Do you believe in numerology? Don't answer that was a rhetorical question. I even made a powerpoint presentation which I can email anyone whos interested, it had seven slides in it, but anyway that is a digression. Mental note: Focus on the task in hand, which this week, in fact every week-ish, or when I can be bothered, I'll share recipes and tips. So what have I come up with for this week? ...
...
Anyone? ....
....
That wasn't a rhetorical question, I'm still awaiting an answer....
...
Ha ha ha ha ha yes it was a rhetorical question. So what have I come up with? Well I'll tell you what I've come up with this week I want to present Gus' Pastry. Now then in order to make a nice fluffy pastry of the right consistency you need about 100 grams of flowers, I find dandilions a bit on the tart side and if you pick them you wet the bed so don't go near them. That was tip #1. Ha ha ha ha ha oh my... sorry I just remembered the joke earlier that I made about expecting an answer to a rhetorical question, ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee...
...
Where was I? Ha ha ha ha there I go again, don't answer that rhetorical question either! Oh my! So before I pee myself laughing lets get back to Gus' pastry. Tip number two grind up some salt using a nice sturdy fossil hammer and add that to the flowers, next get a nice healthy knob of butter. Yes I did say 'knob' of butter, that is perfectly acceptable terminology in cooking circles. No it is, me and Jamie Oliver often compare our knobs of butter for size, thickness and consistency. I use around a 3 inch knob myself and recommend you do likewise - tip #3 there. You can remember it like this, tip 3 = 3 inches see? That was tip 4 but doesn't really count as not regarding cooking, more regarding memory. But handy anyway I think, hence including it.
Then using your knee, kneed the flower and the cock of butter until it reaches the consistency of breadcrumbs. Tip numero cinco (means Tip 5). I always find this difficult myself but worth perservering, use either left or right knee. At this stage you might be thinking, wait a minute I wanted pastry not this breadcrumbs stuff. Well don't worry because there is a final bit of magic add just a poquito (tiny bit) of water and then get your knees ready for plenty more kneeding action until you have pastry. Now there is a danger here that your hands get all clogged up with sticky pastry, it can be murder as I know from experience. It always happens to me and I shout and shout and flail my clogged up hands all over putting sticky hand prints on the couch and curtains, until Mel comes and frees my hands from the sticky pastry. Someone said you can put flowers on your hands to avoid this common problem but I don't bother with that, I'm a bit of a purist see?
So that concludes how do make Gus' Pastry, the only thing left to do is whack it in the oven until its like a big hard ball mmm I can smell some that I made earlier now. Happy Pastry.
Gus
Friday, October 20, 2006
Ade's Travel Column
Hi folks. Many years have passed since my various columns and articles in Ie Ulpster Churnal. So much has changed in my life but one constant in the intervening years has been my love of travel.
A prime example was last Monday when I travelled to the supermarket. All by myself, I might add! I was dead chuffed as I only needed to phone my wife Maria once to ask for directions. Well actually it was twice but that was only because I forgot what she said the first time so it doesn't really count. I'll also admit that she had to come and take me home after I had purchased my pot noodle and white loaf but that was only because it's really hard to keep your sense of direction in such a big store and I got a bit scared. The main thing is that I got there and can add a new sticker to my travel map... woo hoo!!
Actually, last week was a great week for travelling. I went to my bed on Wednesday with Maria. I was telling her all about computer programming and stuff. Mysteriously, she fell asleep just as I got to the really interesting bit about 'print statements'. It was funny because I could sort of see her blinking even though her eyes were closed but no matter how much I gently nudged her with my elbow and whispered “are you awake?”, she wouldn't stir. Anyway, I thought I would try to do some meditation which I had learned all about last year on my travels to the living room from this really wise old mystic telly.
I was lying there for ages with my eyes shut when suddenly my body started to vibrate! The next thing I knew I was rising out of my body, tethered only by a sort of umbilical cord of light. As I floated towards the ceiling it dawned on me that I must be astral projecting and that I could conceivably travel anywhere that I wanted. Now as those who know me can testify, I have always wanted to check out my loft so I floated right through my bedroom roof and into what can only be described as a secret room of untold mystery. I must have been up there for hours floating and pottering around before I woke up in my bed with my alarm clock ringing. As you would imagine I sprang out of bed and immediately added a really cool lime green sticker to my travel map.
I've not done much travelling since then, excluding the odd expedition to the toilet and kitchen table, but I can assure you I will embark on more adventures than Willard Price can shake a shitty stick at or I will personally give you your money back. I have a whole pad of stickers and my sticker peeling finger is just itching to add to my map so keep checking back for more of my fantastic travel tales.
Ade x
Meet ie churnal staff
Hi this is Tony here, us churnal staff have decided to present a short introduction of ourselves right at the outset, to give our audience an idea of our levels of expertise, personality and you know, shite like that. So heres what we have put together and if I may say, some of it you may find surprising, revealing, even shocking! Or maybe quite tame! Or outlandish. Or frightfully entertaining. Depending on if you are wierd or, or you know? That other thing that means the same as not wierd? What is it again? Ehm? ... Who put that sandwich there? Ew its all squashed! Anyway, in the case of me as dare I say, the leader of this team, you will probably find my own contribution in particular to be very insightful and you may even find you gain a tremendous level of respect and even humility in the presence of my great intellect. You can skip the other bits probably, you've got other things to be doing than reading that clap-trap written by him, that guy, er whatziname? You know I do beleive he may be my son? Doesn't matter anyway. Ehm? ... Where was I? I'm not scottish.
Tony
Tony
I've been with ie Ulpster Churnal in its paperbased form for ooo let me see? Ehm? ... many years now, I think it first appeared in one of my high school jotters, you know as I scribbled away, scribbling different ideas back then in 1984. Of course in those days it wasn't all full of swear words and it was entitled 'Algebra coursework - remedial Level'. Even then ie churnal was very entertaining though, I recall I drew a picture of my mate which looked like a huge penis. It was quite witty. I often used to fantazie about things too, like fantazing about how great a internet world would be. I was there in the days of micronet you know, that was before the Sinclair Spectrum took over with all this wizardry of colourful text which we see now. I upgraded my Sinclair Spectrum to 128k recently. Of course it is this experience that I draw on to hold together this churnal in its present form and that is why 9 out of 10 churnalists would vote for me to be the, once again I hesitate to say it, leader if we had a vote on that matter.
Aaron
What do I bring to ie churnal? What are my unique qualities? What qualities do I look for in a man? And I do look. Look but don't touch thats my motto. Don't touch much - shh darlings ooo behave. What is the current state of affairs in the world of fashion? What colour is the new black? What is happening in the world globally or indeed locally here in Ulpster? What would you do if a man came on to you in a pub and you'd had a couple of shandys? As happened to me recently, I'll tell you later when Morna has gone to bed, no but seriously though. Well these are just a few of the many questions I aim to be answering in the forthcoming weeks. Oooo football might get a mention too such David Beckham as spunky as ever? That new manager was simply horrid to drop him though, unless its for David Ginola maybe, I just don't see the sense. My juices are already flowing with all my thoughts to write about, I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.
Ade
Ade wasn't available to give his introduction so instead we are honoured to welcome the Prime Minister of Great Britain, Mr Tony Blair to provide a few thoughts instead.
People of Britain, in fact people of the world. I am very pleased to welcome Ade to this churnal. Ade is a wonderful person, a person who leads by example, like a shining beacon of light in these often dark times. Resourceful, intelligent, a bit like myself in fact, he is polite has integrity and is honest. What more can I say about this truly great man? I'll be avidly waiting to see what this maestro of words, this genius of literature can conjure up next.Tony Blair may not have actually made this exact comment.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
From the Ulpster Churnal, December 1991
Electric Shocker
A teenage girl, Aimee Fell (13), is today miraculously recovering from an unbelievable 10,000 millivolt shock. She was in her 15 year old brothers room when she saw two wires, one red, one black which her brother had carelessly left lying around. Before she knew it, she had picked them up with damp, clammy hands. One wire in her right hand and the other in her left. this meant that a 10,000 millivolt electric shock was sent through her body.
Excruciating Pain
Although Aimee claims to have felt nothing, her insides could have been completely rearranged. When asked if she had felt excruciating pain at the time she replied, "No!"
Aimee is thought to be on the mend and will be completely recovered by early next week.
Update -
Aimee has been extensively monitored and seems to have suffered no lasting effects.
The 2nd coming?
As Mars, Jupiter and your anus align in the timeless cosmic ballet that is our solar system... one by one the erm... gods of slever begin to stir from their Churnal related apathy.
A brave new blog
A brave new WEB 2.0 world is dawning for ie ulpster churnal. The promise of truth and integrity which has been glimmering faintly on the horizon, destined to forever be extinguished by this abombination of the internet which has been shat out of the bowels of our cyber global village type thing. ie ie ulpster churnal has cum on the internet!!!!
dum dum dum ....
tony's voice - edit that bit out it flaunts our strictly enforced guidelines and is naff.
will this blog wither away before it has even begun, thus saving us all from a fate similar to reading those paper based versions from the days of yore? Has Nick still got butter on his dick?