Dear Aimae - continued

Bebo bebo bebo bebo my little fart knockers. Heres a couple of letters that missed the first batch, but graciously I don't mind as I'm like a light in dark places and stuff.

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I am living in a part of Engerland that has been affected by flooding and have suffered water shortage. As a result my good wife, daughter and I have all been unable to bathe as regularly as we would like and tension in the house is mounting; you see Jaz and Heather ( whoops, my good wife and daughter) smell naturally of sugar and spice and all things nice and I just, well Aimee, to be honest I just pong. You may think I am making a fuss over nothing, but they have moved out and I am left to sit in my own stench. To make things worse, the stress has made my pumps rather more eggy than usual. How can win my family back and sort out my eggy bottom?

Yours, I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you 'men in black' Fell

Dear "I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you" men in black Fell,

Stop whining and go to the local swimming baths; a wee splash in the chlorinated water will kill off any stinky bacteria clinging to your being and will give you a new, almost astringent whiff that should last a few days at a time. Hopefully this new pong will enable you to welcome your sugar n spice girls back home which will in turn relax you and neutralise the acidity in your hydrogen sulphide rich pumps.

Voila xxx Much Love Auny Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee

I'm moving home tomorrow and it's really stressing me out. I've been in my safe little home for ages but tomorrow I'm moving to a new big cold noisy metropolis where I won't know many people. I know I should be excited, but I feel scared - what's wrong with me?

Kia Fell -1day

Nothing's wrong with you, Kia. It is a very scary prospect, becoming a little fish in a big pond, and most people find this time in their lives difficult. You can do lots to make it feel more under your control. Ask your parents to find out about induction days. . Try and get together with someone who is going through the same thing, or just has (Joel?) even if you aren't friends at the moment you'll have this in common and can look out for each other during the first few years of this big bad world. You're going to have to do it, so the best tactic is to do it with confidence. Good luck!

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimae

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My Dad always tels me not to pik my nose, but he duz it himself.
It not fair!

Aden

Dear Aden

A wee something my dad used to say to me may help here " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you work that out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My blummin Dad always pumps then insists it wasn't him. To make matters worse he goes mental if I ever sneak even the most insignificant sterile one out. It's not fair.

Air head

Dear Air Head,

I'll share with you a wee something my dad used to say to me " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you sort this out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aimee,

How can I convince my son and youngest daughter that horses are way more better than cats and stuff like that? Can you gallop a cat? Hello!? What do you think?

yours Mel

Dear Mel,

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being...if you never love a horse, you will never understand."
~ Author Unknown


I, a fellow horse lover understand your plight, my suggestion is simple, wash your hands of these uncultured youths and buy another horse!

Aunty Aimee xxxx

Dear Aimee,

In my opinion given that there are only 8 notes in music, which form an 'octave' and because 8 x 8 = 64 there are only limited possibilites. Case proven I think.

yours Dr. Natty Inkspoon

Good try Natty,

Next time try to take into account the black notes, also have you thought about microtones? let me go in to a wee bit of detail for you.....

The vibrating and resonating parts of musical instruments (and almost everything else that makes sounds) don't produce sound waves of just one frequency. This is because the vibrating body ( e.g. string or air column) does not just vibrate as a whole; smaller sections vibrate as well. In the case of musical instruments, these additional frequencies are usually even multiples of the vibration frequency of the whole string, air column, bar, etc. For example, suppose you squeeze your accordion (the most sublime of all musical instruments) and press the key that lets the air out past a reed which, due to certain physical properties, vibrates 440 times per second. The vibrating reed will generate sound waves with a frequency of 440 Hz. (cycles per second), which happens to correspond to the A above Middle C. Because of other physical properties of the reed and the accordion, the instrument will also generate waves with a frequency of 880 Hz. (2 x 440), 1,320 Hz (3 x 440), 1,760 Hz. (4 x 440), etc. These extra frequencies are called overtones. Amazingly enough, when the overtones are close to even multiples of the fundamental frequency, our brains interpret the whole conglomeration of frequencies as a single pitch. Different instruments differ in the relative strengths of the various overtones, and that is what gives the instruments different timbres. This is also what makes your voice sound different from someone else's, even when you sing the exact same pitch. In the case of cymbals, gongs, snare drums, and the other indefinite-pitch percussion instruments, there are so many frequencies and overtones all at the same time that our brains don't pick out a definite pitch. You might notice, though, that the sound of a drum or woodblock can still be "higher" or "lower" than the sound of another.

I'm interested to hear your next valliant attempt
Yours Aunty (musical genious)Aimee xxx

Breaking News : Ade Admitted to Boob Asylum

After the various threats of legal action our lawyers advised us that the best course of action was to have the breast obsessed perpetrator (who we will refer to as Mr A to protect his identity) committed to a high security boob asylum. At around 8pm last night he was dragged kicking and screaming from his Wellington house and driven to said facility.

Preliminary psychiatric tests have shown him to be suffering from a boob obsession which stems from Mr A's wife's boobs having expanded considerably during her pregnancy. In order to protect Maria and the very existence of ie churnal they will be using a technique pioneered by Dr Anthony Burgess, Mr A will now be forced to watch videos of 50GG boobs bouncing and swinging for 20 hours a day with his eyes locked open the whole time. After 3 weeks we expect he will be completely recovered from his obsession and be able to fully integrate with society again.

Wendy's Fantastic Nature Facts

Eeeeee, ah can't believe that ah finally have me own column. Before ah get started ah'd like to thank Aden for showing me how to switch on this new fangled computer thing and how to use it's word processor doo-dah.

Anyway, back to me column. My first fact for you all is regarding the common or garden Mango. Up here in tropical Lypster you can hardly take two steps without coming across a tree fruiting with Mangos so unsurprisingly our diet consists primarily of them and the wonderful neep. A wee tip for you, neeps and mango mashed together make a fine cheap clapshot substitute if, like us, you find tatties hard to come by.

Eeeeee, am so excited ah forgot to tell you the most amazing thing... Ah was looking at a mango stone the other day and it seemed very familiar. Then in a blinding flash of back spasm ah realized what it was! It was a blooming cuttlefish bone like yon budgies gnaw on. Who would have thought that the mango was not a fruit at all but a flippin mollusc and close relative of the cuttlefish.

Ah can't wait to see our Mels face when she finds out ah've discovered a bigger animal than her, what do you all think ah should call it? Ah think a Wendyfish has quite a nice ring to it personally.

Joan's ballistic missiles

Grandma Joan has added her impressive twin airbags into proceedings following a recent spate of boobs related posts in the Ulpster Churnal. The following fake advert she has sent into the churnal resembles a dead heat in a zepplin race.

SOS

Hi everyone, Ade Here. I desperately need help.
On Friday I decided to brave the elements, and travel all the way to the shopping mall by myself. Well I'm pleased to say that it wasn't that difficult, I only had to ask directions thirteen times, which in retrospect should have been an omen, being Friday 13th! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I can't find my way home and I can't remember my address or telephone number. I can remember which hemisphere I'm in but it doesn't seem to help, when I ask the locals for directions home and tell them I live in the Southern hemisphere now I just get blank looks.

I'm really hungry now and need to get home quick, I'm sure Maria is missing me. So here's the part where you can help. I want everyone who knows where I live, and is in the vicinity of the shopping mall, (wish I could remember the name of the mall), to keep a sharp lookout for me so that you can point me in the right direction.

Jade's Boobs Revealed

The churnal office staff have gone boobs daft as they try to uncover the truth behind Jade's prize assets after provocative comments have been made in this very churnal by Jade herself. By her own admission these impressively large knockers are reputed to be 38 inch D cups.

Sponsored by the Sun newspaper and in association with the Chinese, British and New Zealand governments we finally think we may be able to reveal what Jade's bazongas look like having conducted an exhaustive investigation.

Churnal leader and timelord Tony explained, 'I have done extensive research including opening up a search engine which I cannot name due to legal reasons and then typing phrases like 'boobs' and 'baps' into the text entry box. When you hit enter google gives you millions of results, you can spend hours sifting through them all and building up a mental image of just what these knockers might look like.

When I get too tired to continue my investigation, Roy Anarchy continues until I wake up again in the morning next to Eswyl with no memory of the previous evening. Anyway the following image shows the fruits of my extensive labour. I am proud to annouce that here for the first time we reveal an impression of Jade's baps using information collected from all available sources....

Naked truth revealed

The Ulpster Churnal is proud to reveal this early image of our very own Aaron from his pre-spidey days. Before Aaron found fame as a wall crawling crime fighter he was just another wannabe like countless others. On his path towards fame he appeared in the hit reality TV show 'Big Brother' in the Eastern European country of Lithuania. In a desperate bid for stardom he exposed his rather pert looking man boobs. Little did he know at that time that this picture would one day come back to haunt him.

Enjoy!

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Did you know that worms taste nice?
I got the idea to try them out from my dad. He thinks I don't notice , but every time he feeds the frog he slips one into his mouth surreptitiously and enjoyment is etched on his face.

I've tried them raw and I've tried them heated gently on a radiator, both are equally delicious. I would like to try them fried in garlic butter with a dry Chablis but unfortunately I'm not allowed near the cooker, or the drinks cabinet. Perhaps Gus could include the recipe in his cookery column and give an indication of how good it tastes, mmmmmm.

Gus' Cookery World

Woooo its me! Hiya folks.

Hold on two ticks while I consult my new PDA for my latest recipe ...

Hang on a minute ...

Aw bastarding hell... wait a minute... the buttons are awfully fiddley, sorry I can't remember which one switches it on. Dam and blast it.... Oh there it is ... Shit its gone again. Ha ha ha ha... anyway you know what? It doesn't matter I'll just wing it.



So er first get your arse over to Alaska because there you will find amongst the vast ice flows and frozen tundra miles and miles of emptiness in a godforsaken land. This is what I did recently and it is sooo worth it. I spent days which blurred into weeks wandering the lonely, haunted terrain, completely alone except for my little Inuit hobbit 'Pete Tong'. As the northern lights danced around the skies at night I discovered my manhood and then almost died of starvation.

And then a new recipe finally came to me! Let me proudly announce in a loud and sort of gruff tone that this might be one of my own particular favorite recipes yet. And guess what? I'm going to share it with you you lucky little chutney ferrits.

'Seal surprise'

First you need to select your preferred kitchen utensils to prepare the food. You will need a large club or mace and a cheese grater.

Select a friendly seal which hasn't developed a fear of humans and attack it with the club or cheese grater. When I do this I go into a frenzy which I don't remember afterwards so don't be surprised if the same happens to you. When I gaze down at the corpse of the dumb animal I feel pangs of remorse and guilt and so hide the corpse under the snow making sure to remove all traces of the kill, its the same as the way squirrels bury acorns really. The neat thing about this is that the meat is then stored just as if its in a freezer and should keep really well. I had to leave the carcasses in situ this time, but as I said they should keep for a while, then you can make a nice stew or perhaps a roast and if you don't fancy using the seal meat you have prepared you can go and buy some chicken or beef to use instead. Mmmmm.