Newsflash - Musical Genius Discovered

In a house in Bower (near Ulpster) our very own Gus (of Cookery Tips fame) came across a feline of such musical talent that on seeing her play an original piece on the piano he was moved to comment, “I’ve waited all my life to see that!”

Jonathan, explained that Gizmo had been playing the piano for several months and at first he had thought she was hitting random notes, as if walking across the keys. It was when he recognised two notes from the tune ‘London’s Burning’ that he realised it was much more than that. After listening very closely to another of Gizmo’s recitals he was sure that it contained almost all of the notes of a very well known classical tune ‘Fur Elise, although not in quite the right order’. “She seems to have a penchant for Beethoven”, laughed Jonathan.

Have a good one readers!!!

Aaron's underpants column

Hi readers, after the startling success of my first column 'Aarons world' in which I explained the joys of closets and how much fun they are to come out of. I've decided to up the stakes yet further with what may be the naughtiest article of the churnal yet if you know what I mean? (wink)

Before I go rummaging around in my underwear drawer to see what I can find, its traditional that I quote a song lyric which sums up my column. This week I'm going for an old classic by Def Leppard - "Pour some sugar on me, ooooo in the name of love, Pour some sugar on me. I'm hot sticky sweet from my head hey head to my feet yeah" Actually its not really got much to do with my article (fnarr fnarr) but it has got everything to do with being an ace song. Though Bon Jovi are still the best. Not only that but I've probably now put the song in your head, which was my intention.

But as usual I'm digressing from the main point here which is underwear this week. Now when you think of y-fronts you probably think of pishy stains and skid marks and all that, but before you all laugh let me just say, Y-fronts are coming back in.

...

I can tell by the silence that you are shocked but it is true. In fact I've given them a credible 6 on my Aaron-in-ometer this week. They do have to have some form of amusing print on them though other wise they are like no way dude and crash down around your ankles, figuratively speaking.

Ooops darn it, I've only gone and run out of time and I was going to tell you all about some lovely little briefs I saw lately, full of class in which there was an elephants face and you put your 'hoo hoo' in the trunk (tee hee), I have to get a pair of those. See you next year and I'll tell you more about whats 'in' and whats 'out' with my fabulous patented Aaron-in-ometer.



Merry Christmas

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Nick. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect my credibility, yer nah. Why man, your reporter failed to mention salient facts that would affect my abilty to fight such as the well documented "Inky Big Toe", and also that at the time I was suffering from severe chafing of the thighs. There was also no mention of the knuckle dusters used by my opponent.......err, just remembered I used the Knuckle dusters, forget I mentioned that. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts, hinny.

Yours, Uncle Jimmy

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.


Dear Sir,
Why oh why do so many complaints letters begin with the phrase "Why oh why"? Don't people realise that using the same phrase over and over again just devalues it? Why oh why can't they think of an alternative?

Yours, A. Knuss

Why oh why does this upset you? - Ed.


Dear Sir,
I was shocked and stunned to hear of Baekys withdrawl from the pages of the Churnal, especially as I had already twice asked for an answer to a particularly intriguing question. Is it possible you may be able to give the answer I crave?

Yours, Essie Kye.

Well Essie I am not qualfied to answer your question I'm afraid. however, I do have good news as we have a replacement for Baeky lined up. Do you speak Spanish? - Ed.

Dear Churnal,

I've decided to write a song especially for your readers. So without further ado, ah one ah two ah one two three four ...

Plocton Plocton Plocton
dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy do
Plocton diddy dum diddy Plocton diddy poo

I wonder if Simon Cowell will be impressed. Can you ensure he reads this please?

Regards, Aimee.

P.S Hi Simon how's life ? remember me from Pop idol ? Aims X

Thank you for your submission Aimee, it sure is a catchy tune. I happen to know Simon reads the Churnal every day ... probably. - Ed.



Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Jimmy. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect his credibility. In no way was he fighting like a little girl, it defies credibility, he's almost 6 feet tall, much more like a big girl. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts.

Yours, Uncle Nick.

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers. I promised in my last column that I would have tales of a more exotic nature and let me tell you now, you will not be disappointed. Having spent the past week watching the 'Discovery Channel' from my bed (thanks to another bloody spider bite), I became enchanted with the idea of visiting the Far East.

This trip was a biggie and needed some major preparation so I took the phone off the hook, closed all the curtains and started planning. I chose a yellow sun-like sticker and placed it on the kitchen table beside my travel map, awaiting my return. With regards to clothing, I knew that the Far East has monsoons so my green wellington boots were a must, along with my scotch-guarded brown cords and my trusty cagoule.

At 5pm I left the house and made the epic fifteen meter trip to the top of my street. Suddenly my blood ran cold. I could hear the Green Cross Code Man's warnings echoing around my head, “...don't cross the road at a corner, find a safe place... don't cross the road on a corner, find a....”, I grabbed my phone and dialled Maria. Would you believe it? I'd forgotten to hang the phone up before I left the house! With no way of getting help and too far into my adventure to turn back, I took a deep breath... it was time for me to become a man!

glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal

I found a safe spot between two parked cars, counted to three and ran into the road with my arms flailing above my head. What a feeling it was getting to the opposite pavement, there were cars beeping encouragement and everything, nothing could stop me now. I rounded the corner and made my way up the street until I was standing outside the Far East Chinese take-away. My heart sank as I tried the door and found it locked. Slumping to the ground I buried my head in my hands. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of something out the corner of my eye, it was amazing, a miracle! Just two doors down from the Far East, glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal Indian take-away.

Inside it was even more impressive than it had looked on the telly and the service couldn't have been better. I ordered my chips and chose the home delivery option. After 10 minutes my chips were ready and the nice delivery man came to take me home. My best adventure yet and the icing on the cake was being able to add not just one, but two new stickers to my map.

Ade x.

Tales of the 60's

Timelord Tony here once again. I guess that now seems like as good a time as any to share some more of my fond reminiscences of the 60's, a golden era which will never be repeated, I don't care how many mind altering substances you take, such as er? whats that stuff called again? ... Nutmeg. And banana skins etc, I always say if you can't remember the '60s it means you were there and I can't remember ANY of it let me tell you. So why not roll yourself a nice fat banana skin reefer, sit back, put the tv on mute send the kids to bed and read some more of my amazing tales of the 60's.

I think my first concious thoughts after the hangover of the 1960's began to occur in the early 198o's. As I slowly regained cognitave awareness imagine my surprise to discover I was now married with two children and exiled in the north of Scotland. However it wasn't all bad because I also discovered I had bought myself an 8 colour, 48K sinclair spectrum with sound, in the intervening years. Not only that but it had speech too, on the game splat.

At around this time I got addicted to the game that was a forerunner of Grand Theft Auto, it was called 'manic miner'. In this game you have to jump around a whopping 20 caverns collecting jewels and keys and shite like that that these mining automatons have been making for like millenia and stuff.

Well I am proud to announce I have finally managed to get to 'the cold room' level, which I achieved last night at around 4am using an infinite lives poke. This herculean feat was achieved after 24 years of intense gaming. My son Jonathon helped too with the bit about how to jump over the bush. I may decide to share my knowledge of how to achieve this amazing feat in a future entry so stay posted.

A Warning To All Parents

We at ie Ulpster Churnal have come into possession of a shocking advert which has been in underground circulation for the past two years. It's sole aim is to get our babies hooked on a substance being used by more and more kids every day. Recent research has astonishingly shown that around 100% of babies have tried it and perhaps more disturbingly, the majority are using daily.

The video begins by showing the preparation, administration and consumption of the what we at ie Churnal have christened 'baby opium' or 'B.O.' for short. The baby is shown restlessly shifting around, waiting for it's 'fix'. Then, reminiscent of the film 'Trainspotting', the final scene shows the baby blissed out and barely conscious lying on the floor with an empty bottle beside him. A message then flashes up encouraging youngsters to join in the fun.

Please parents, don't let your kids succumb to this evil. We recommend stew, lemonade or a drop of booze for your newborns. Together we can beat this B.O. problem....

Fight outside local kebab shop (cont)

Hi readers, its Aaron here ready to continue my honest account of the amazing fight I was lucky enough to witness recently, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim. I left off previously at a point where Uncle Nick was clinging around Uncle Jim's waist like a vicious Koala bear. Meanwhile Uncle Jimmy was staggering around causing the crowd to part in front of him as he lurched here and there.

It appeared that Jimmy was struggling with something in his hand, which I then saw was a pint of beer he was finishing off and must have taken out of the pub with him earlier. Finally he swigged down the last few dregs of beer, smashed the glass down on the pavement and then roared again, 'come aaan then ya baaastaaaaaahd!' and started blindly swinging his fists around but only connecting with air.

Jim then seemed to realise that his tormentor was actually clinging around his waist and not standing in front of him and aimed a punch directly at Uncle Nick's head. Unfortunately for Jim, Uncle Nick managed to dodge the punch which landed directly on Jim's own stomach. Groaning in agony Jim doubled up, at which point Uncle Nick finally released his grip and kicked Jimmy square in the shin.

Ever the sportsman, Uncle Nick then stood back to allow Uncle Jim time to regain his composure, which only took a few seconds. Jimmy lurched forwards and with amazing speed and accuracy managed to land a punch square on the side of Nick's head. For a moment Nick's knees wobbled and his eyes glazed over but he was able to recover quickly and land his own punch directly on Jimmy's groin. Uncle Jimmy squealed in agony and lashed out with a kick which connected beautifully with Uncle Nick's shin but the pain in Jim's groin from the hit he had taken previously was still causing him immense pain. Uncle Nick sensed his chance for victory and ducking and weaving landed a couple more straight jabs again to Jim's groin. This was too much for Jim who crumpled up in a heap clutching his crown jewels and moaning softly.

To be honest I was a bit disgusted by the way Jim had behaved in this fight, my suspicions appeared to be confirmed that he was a dirty fighter who fights like a girl, I went over to congratulate Nick who as always had behaved impeccably and bought him a pint to celebrate his impressive victory.

See part 1 here

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Around this time of the year it's easy to get carried away with the commercialism of Christmas but just recently I have had cause to re-evaluate my own thoughts on the matter. My Auntie Aimee took me to watch a play the other evening and the star of the show did amazingly well in spite of being visually disadvantaged. Everyone else in the audience was able to see the baddy and warn with a shout "He's behind you", but the star insisted on arguing with the audience by shouting "Oh no he's not!" As you can imagine, this drove us in the audience into a frenzy and quite spoiled my evening out.
So, my pearl of wisdom for this article is, You have to feel sorry for those with a disability.

Ade's Philosophy Column

René Descarte should be credited with the resulting path of philosophy towards the modern radical doubt ridden philosophies held my many today. Startling words you may say, but hear me out, his "I think, therefore I am" was a precursor to modern Universities, "I drink, therefore I am", pragmatism's lurch to, "I'm pink, therefore I am", and the onward rush towards "I think I am, therefore I am, I think". Though trite in the extreme, these and similar phrases have come to dominate the structured philosophy of a certain culture, and also by myself as a late convert to his metaphysical style.

Descarte was the first philosopher to point out that distant objects appeared smaller than they really were. Until this point convention thought was that distant objects actually were smaller.

Descarte was at first a mathematician, like me. Secondly he had an intense interest in physics, like me, and thirdly, like me, he published many of his theories in Latin. It appears we have more in common than a huge intellect, many would go as far to say that he was one of the two most important men in the history of philosophy, modesty forbids me to mention the other .... ahem!

Ade x

Controversy over new cafe at e' top o' Whaligoe

Locals are up in arms over the decision of the Highlands and Islands Cafe Culture Department's decision to allow the naming of the new cafe at Ulpster, 'The Chocolate Starfish'.

"Its as if they have no idea what a chocolate starfish is or what it means", exclaimed Lobsterman Davie, shaking his head in disbelief, 'they might as well call it the hairy brown star for all the difference it makes!', he added. When pressed for an alternative Davie looked thoughtful for a few moments and then suggested, "What about something like, I dunno, the 'chutney ferrit on the cliffs' or something like that, more appropriate like?"

However it seems local opinion was divided on the issue, Gary Clerk (41) told us, 'Yeah I'm all for it it's wicked isn't it, I can't wait to have a latte at the chocolate starfish when it opens' though I preferred, the 'rusty sheriff's badge cafe' personally. I hear they do fudge cake aswell" he told us, "I can't wait to do some serious fudge packing".

Friarday and Saraday, two of the local horses where unavailable for comment however Prins, speaking through a horse psychologist told us he might go despite the name, if they have some good hay available.

Place your bet now

Family celebrities; retired agony aunt Beck and ex policeman Dan McFarr are often in the news with increasing speculation on the name that will finally be chosen for their first baby.

Online bookmakers 'Ladibrokes' are quoting the following odds on the name of the McFarr baby which is due any day now. Although medical opinion says the baby will be a boy, Ladibrokes are still taking bets on girls names too after Grandma Joan saw the bump and pronounced the baby to be a girl.

So here are the odds, the overwhelming favourite name quoted at 2:1 is 'Metadata'. This is reputedly because Dan favours having a studious child. The current name 'Lykergus' is an outside choice at odds of 8:1 and you can get odds of 16:1 for Becks old favourite 'Vim'. With odds of 100:1 is 'David' which might be worth a punt as Beck's brother used to be a fan of David Banner in the Incredible Hulk TV series. For a girls name the favourite is 'Xena Warrior Princess McFarr' at odds of 25:1.

Fight outside local kebab shop

By sheer good fortune, ie ulpster churnal has been lucky enough to witness an actual fight which happened late last night, outside the local kebab shop. One of our reporters, Aaron, happened to be walking past at the time and witnessed a crowd of people cheering as they looked on at some sort of scene developing in front of them. Of course our reporter's natural instinct was to run over there and push his way right to the front of the crowd, to see what all the fuss was about. This is what Aaron witnessed.

“I saw immediately that this looked like a real situation developing, you could sense it in the air like elecricity. But the thing that made me dizzy with shock was the realisation that I recognized one of the people involved! It was none other than Uncle Nick. He was raising both his hands in the air in a gesture of conciliation, and saying 'I don't want any trouble' but meanwhile advancing on the other figure, who had his back to me. As Nick reached the other figure he suddenly leapt up in the air. Almost in the style of a movie like the matrix, he appeared to pause in mid air momentarily before regaining momentum and landing on the other figure and clinging around his waist, using both arms and legs to hold on.

The other figure roared, 'aaal hav ye owt ye li'le baast' and spun around trying to shake off Uncle Nick, which was when the realisation hit me like a hammer. The other figure was none other than Uncle Jimmy! This was unbeleivable, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim, surely one of the best fights I could have dreamt of! Without being sure where my loyalties should lie I decided to either cheer them both on or goad either one of them as seemed appropriate at any given moment. I couldn't help but almost salivate at the prospect of what was to come, I had always imagined that Nick would be a fair fighter, in the mould of Queensbury Rules, whereas Jim would probably come out biting and pulling hair. But would this be the case? I couldn't wait to find out.

continued ...

Leona's 21st Birthday Extravaganza

Last week saw one of the parties of the century as Leona Wilton celebrated her 21st birthday in style. The secretarial tycoon pulled out all the stops to firmly cement her position in the family A-list. That is no mean feat when you consider legendary get-togethers of the past including Grandma Joan's 72 hour non-stop rave buffet, Jim's Egyptian-Fest complete with 10 foot beer pyramid and Linden's "pool + pease pudding = jacuzzi" party.

The long deserted Kyleburn sweet factory just south of Ulpster was a rather strange choice of venue though the reasoning behind it would become clear. Buses had been laid on for the 50-odd guests and we arrived, ready to party, at seven o'clock sharp. It was dim and eerily quiet and had it not been for the signs directing us to the main entrance we might have thought we were at the wrong place.

Inside was a table opulently laden with glasses of Crystal champagne and a notice telling us to take one and make our way to the main hall. Nervously, we filed into the pitch dark of the hall where we waited with baited breath. The most we were expecting was for the lights to come on and balloons to float down but what actually happened was simply breathtaking.

The skylight swung open, pyrotechnics flashed and Leona gently descended, holding what we assumed to be a bunch of balloons. Everyone gasped as they realised the bundle of strings Leona held was not attached to balloons at all but to six enormous seagulls! Touching down to rapturous applause she released the gulls, which flew back out of the skylight to return moments later.... each bearing an Oompa Loompa!

Needless to say much singing and dancing ensued while the Oompa Loompas fired up the old sweet making equipment, whipping up a feast of fantastic confectionery. My personal favourite has to be the Never Ending Boozy Bubblegum that has kept me tiddly for almost a week now. It will certainly take a lot to top this birthday bash.

Newsflash

Today is a sad day for ie ulpster churnal, we've discovered that Baeky has resigned from her post as resident agony aunt her last post will be her last. Apparently no-one told her we were looking for a replacement to cover her maternity leave and she has taken it quite badly. We bumped into each other in the supermarket earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as bum bandit and chutney ferrit, which was quite embarassing. Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endevours. And now we can welcome our new agony aunt, Maria, who's jugs though not as impressive as some applicants seem to fit the bill anyway.

So this week is the start of a new era in ie churnal sees me as the undisputed leader, now that Baeky has gone, and I vow to steer ie churnal in a new direction, one which according to my vision will see our number of readers double - to two (assuming Jade keeps reading and we manage to find another reader).

Tony

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Imagine how silly I felt when I saw my letter printed on your pages and realised that in my excitement I had forgotten to actually outline the question that has intrigued me for years. I would still be very grateful for a real answer and not the supposedly humerous one liner you provided, please give it some serious thought,

Yours, Essie Kye


Sorry Essie, the anser has now changed to 43 - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there life on other worlds? Does god exist? Why are space-hoppers so named? Please answer promptly or else.

Yours Stephen Hawking


The difficult question here is the third and I'm very tempted to answer it with another question, but I'll resist the temptation and just say How Hi is a Chinaman. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Yeah I've always wanted to know why space-hoppers are so named too? Please say you'll tell us,

Yours Steven Dick Felt

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave just a short while ago. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

We of the secret space hopping society and interglactic warfare tribunal forbid you to say anything you think you know about space-hoppers.

Yours General Natty of the imperial star-fleet


You can't stop me thinking about anything I know about space-hoppers, what you really need to worry about are those people who can read thoughts - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Tell us about space-hoppers or me and my colleagues at Oxford University will rubbish your work and discredit you, and that is only the beginning,

Yours Stevie Hawkings


Very well, I know for a fact that space hoppers are very eco-friendly and as such are used by several flaky groups as their primary means of transport. In fact the so called Imperial Star-fleet would cease to function without them as both members would be unable to reach their meetings. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

We are warning you for the last time don't mention nothing about space hoppers,

General Natty

One more word from you and I'll fix you with a steely glance that will have you quaking in your wellies - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Do it.

Yours Stevie Dick Felt

Done it - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there liiiife on maaaaaars oh yeah ?

Mr. Bowie

And he was all right, the song went on forever - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

AAAaam sick of those horses deficating all over Ulbster aaah wish someone would invent a cork stoppa , signed the rabbits of Ulbster Liberation front.


There's a surprise, Ive just had a letter from the horses of the Ulpster Liberation Front saying much the same thing only the words horses and rabbits were transposed. (incidentally, you've spelled Ulpster wrong). - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

It is agony when I try to bend my fingers really far back. I also have a
sensation of immense pain. When I bend them so far that I hear cracking
noises and see the joints forming unnatural looking shapes I feel like
I'm going to puke and get dizzy. I'm not double jointed or anything. Is
this normal?

Yours Auntie Eva


No, not normal at all. I can recommend a very good book called "Flexibility, and how to achieve it." In the meantime I would continue trying your exercises. Doctor Aden assures me that as long as you don't pass out its safe. - Baeky

SITUATIONS VACANT

Typographer
Applicants for the above post must be proficient in Tasword for the 128k Spectrum. Consideration may be given to an applicant with a working knowledge of Notepad, in which case training will be provided. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ1


Agony Aunt
This post is for a 3 month contract to cover maternity leave. Applicants need to be able to read and write. Flexible hours. Pay nada, non negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ2


Sports Editor
Applicants for this post should have an extensive knowledge of Kick Off 2, and Football Manager (Kevin Toms version). Some knowledge of Match Point (48k) and own Spectrum would be an advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ3


Personnel Manager
This post requires someone proficient with the 128k Spectrum. Knowledge of Tas Database 48k or 16k would be a distinct advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ4

Advanced Physics with Morna

I'm delighted to have you all back and hungry for knowledge. As promised last week, this lesson will be taken by none other than our very own world renowned, in-house, doctor about the house... Dr Natty Inkspoon! Well, that's me off to shave my legs and pamper myself silly for the afternoon, so without further ado here's Nat. Mmmmmwah!

Ay oop lads n' lasses! We'll be finishing off your virtual degree coursework today as well as demonstrating real world applications for your new found skills. For those of you that don't know already, I am currently researching molecular rheology of branched polymer melts and computational fluid dynamics at the Tom Jones School of Mathematics.

My research may sound complicated but it's really just a fancy way of saying that I melt plastic into machines. The truth is, very little has changed since that fateful day when I set my Bobafett Star Wars figure on top of my ZX Spectrum's power supply. The stream of plastic which flowed from said power supply onto and into my beloved Speccy was devastating at the time. However, thanks to our old friend chaos theory two chains of events began which lead me to where I am today.

The first chain, after weeks of chaotic weeping and stomping around, culminated in me getting a vastly superior Atari ST to replace my knackered Spectrum. The second started as a way of keeping up with the latest developments in computer technology and culminated in this excellent career I have. Whenever I got bored with a computer or a newer model came out I'd simply place a Star Wars figure on the keyboard and set light to it. I grew to love everything about melting plastic into machines, the smell, the sound, the very sight itself. I began opening up the computers afterwards to study how the plastic had flowed around the components and find out exactly why it had caused the computer to fail. It really is fascinating stuff.

As I said earlier, I essentially do the same now, only on a much bigger scale. For example, I lived it laaaaarge in Holland for a couple of years employed by a major chemicals company. It culminated in me getting a lorry load of cheerleader's pom-poms (plastic of course) and melting them into the mechanism of an enormous power generating windmill. The results were spectacular and a complete success. We conclusively proved that it was indeed a bad idea to melt so much plastic into the mechanism of such a machine. Thanks to our research the windmill industry has saved itself millions of pounds by not initiating a program of branched polymer mechanism seizing melts.

Anyway, that's the pub opening now so you can leave early. Congratulations on the completion of your degree. To obtain your certificate send a £50 cheque to Ie Churnal made out to - Churnal Arts Science Honours or since that is a bit of a mouthful just put C.A.S.H.

Last one to the pub is a rotten egg....

An exclusive interview with Mel Sprite Bsc Hons - Part 1

It is over 10 years since the last interview Melanie Sprite gave, which was shown live on channel 4 in the UK. Despite the constant clamour from the public to know more about this extraordinary person, Mel has shunned the spotlight preferring to live a quiet life on her country estate in the middle of a magical forest in Ulpster. Now we are truly privileged to bring a rare, new interview with the world renowned naturalist, Mel Sprite exclusive to our readers. Here is part one of our interview.

Churnal: What has made you decide to come back into the public eye after such a long time away?

Mel: Well, when I was a eager student in me younger days, I was intent on becoming the worlds leading authority in tardigrades. They are those little bloody animals that live in moss and in between grains of sand ye knaa? Anyway, I had this dream of discovering a new one which would be resistant to all forms of disease and which I planned to cross breed with higher forms of life such as woodlice from the group Isopoda and ultimately with mankind, ye knaa and cure diseases and that.

Churnal: I see, er did you make any progress in this noble aim?

Mel: Sorry ah just realised I didn't answer your question. Eee sorry about that, ah'd say purple like heather in summer is me favorite colour man hinny.

Churnal: I see thank you. Can you continue telling us about tardigrades?

Mel: No a divvent think theres much more yardage in that suffice to say that it didn't work out in the end man, most of the subjects that ah cross-bred died within a couple of hours. I decided to abandon that research and focus on the oriditus alpinus beetle which I'm sure you've heard of. I discovered the oriditus alpinus beetle in a loch in Caithness. I was diving down to a depth of about 40m doing a routine hunt for fauna and using all the skills I learned at Thurso sub aqua, when I first saw it. I instantly recognised that it must be new to science, as it loomed up through the muddy, murky water towards me. You see beetles known before then had neva been discovad at such great depths cos they need ta breath just like you or I man. Also its geet like massive? Its like a yard in length, with jaws like pincers that can cut through butter when its hard like straight out the fridge, not when its melted a bit.

Churnal: Gosh what happened then?

Mel: Nothin much really, ah fought with it until ah was almost out of air. It was trying to bite the air tubes connecting my mouth to the scuba equipment and almost succeeded except that ah managed to grab hold of its jaws with my hands and force it to keep its mandibles open. In the struggle ah dropped me flashlight and had to continue grappling this murderous beast in the pitch black murky scottish waters. It was using all six of its legs to kick me, as we all know, the legs of insects and myriapods are uniramous. Of course the mesofemur is the femur of the second pair of legs, and the protarsus is the tarsus of the first pair of legs.

Churnal: Well we know that you survived because you are here today...

Mel:No it got me good and proper like, eventually ah think it came down to who had the greater will to survive me or it. The oriditus alpinus eventually became weakened and ah was able to grip it tight to me body in a bear hug and kick me way back to the surface. The only problem was in the dark ah didn't know which way was up, it was quite a predicament. But ah found me way in the end, cos am here now aren't ah?

Churnal: Yes indeed you are

Mel:Why aye. And that was how a made me name. After that it was easy to get sponsorship for further expeditions into the lochs of the Caithness flow country. You wouldn't believe some of the hazards ah had to face from water scorpions and carnivorous plants that actually eat flesh. They live in the bottomless sphagnum bogs up near ie hill fort. But thats another story for another day.

Churnal: Thank you

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers, I'm back with some more travel tales that'll blow your mind and turn you green with envy. I would have written a column before now but around a month ago I caught a nasty tropical bug whilst out exploring. A week after my trip to the supermarket I was still buzzing and eager to add more stickers to my travel map. The only thing for it was to plan an even more daring expedition into the very heart of the urban jungle... the town centre! Days of preparation ensued and eventually I was ready to go. I had my maroon cagoule, my lime bum-bag and my hi-tec silver shadow hiking boots. I even ate an aspirin before I left, just in case I came across any malaria ridden midges.

The trip into town went very well. My only concern had been which way to go at the bottom of my street. I knew that I had to turn either left or right, but which way was it? My entire adventure depended on this decision. Against all the odds I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow explorer who could help me with my predicament. Some confusion arose when it transpired that the right direction was left. I thought that the right way would always be right but incredibly it seems not to be the case. After rephrasing the directions a few times the nice gentleman eventually took me by the shoulders, turned me round and with a gentle shove I was on my way.

It wasn't long before the first shops came into view and minutes of trekking later I arrived at the legendary pedestrianised precinct. My heart was pounding so hard with all the excitement that I honestly thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I think the only thing that stopped it from doing so was the dawning realisation that I really needed a number 2.

The excitement quickly turned to blind panic so I did what I always do in these situations and phoned my wife Maria. As usual she was fantastic and thanks to her calmly given directions I was at a public toilet in no time. I don't need to go into details regarding my sending of brown trout back to the sea but when I was finished things took a turn for the worse.

I couldn't leave the toilet and felt dizzy any time I even thought about leaving. My first thoughts were that I'd caught something nasty from the toilet seat so I called Maria again. She was there in five minutes to take me home and when we got back she put me to bed where I remained for close to a month.

The doctor diagnosed the bug as agoraphobia so it seems that it was a toilet spider biting me that caused my illness. I'm just glad I took that aspirin before I left or it could have been fatal. The good news is that I'm all better now and back adventuring so check back soon for tales of my trips to ever more exotic locations.

Ade x

Jade our first fan?

We at ie ulpster churnal prefer to report on the news as it happens out there in the real world rather than have the news happening to us. But recently this cosy understanding has been turned on its head as we have been targeted by the attentions of ex uk big brother contestant Jade.

Some of our more observant readers may have noticed comments sprinkled around our blog left by this very same Jade, and on the surface many of these comments are seemingly quite flattering or at least encouraging, however this is only part of the story.

Previously a dental nurse, Jade came to public attention in 2002 when she was a contestant in the third series of Big Brother. Since then, Jade appears almost constantly in celebrity, trivia, and gossip-oriented magazines such as heat and OK! magazine.

But there is another side to this minor celebrity, a side which until now has escaped the public eye. Our suspicions were first aroused when comments from Jade, which we quickly deleted, appeared on this very churnal. These comments provided hyperlinks to websites offering services such as increasing the size of your binjey using herbal products or obtaining fake university diplomas.

Alarmed by this turn of events we hired a top private investigator and IT security analyst, Maria Carnivore Montangne to find out more. What our investigator found went further than we feared even in our wildest nightmares. Maria explains, "I suspected that this could be an example of phishing on the internet, I innocently followed some of these links and quickly found that I was required to key my credit card details. Imagine my surprise when my binjey subsequently remained as it always was"

What happens next sounds unbelievable but is actually true. We found that the comments left by Jade also installed software in the computer after you had read them (a bit like when you play a Sony CD on your computer) This software installed components allowing Jade to monitor our bank accounts, transferring money into her own account and even giving her the ability to watch our every move as we cooked, ate and slept, via our webcams which now had backdoor access granted exclusively to her.

Using the very latest version of HTML technology, XML. Jade was able to push this even further and actually create an interface to her own mind and plug herself directly into the internet, causing the whole internet to become concious. In this way she has gained control over one and all of us, this includes the leaders of countries such as Korea and the USA the results are terrifying indeed.

However please do not be unduly alarmed, Maria Carnivore Montange has this advice. "To get rid of this software installed by Jade, simply ensure that your anti-virus software is up top date and give your computer a good reboot, Adios and remember surf save ;-)

Jade is out there. Be warned.

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,
I have been struggling to find someone qualified to answer a question that has been tormenting me for years. I believe finally my quest is at an end and you are that person. I would be extremely grateful for an answer.
Yours, Essie Kye

Thank you for your letter Essie, the answer you seek is 42. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

As a postman wannabe I usually pay close attention to people's letterboxes. I thought I'd seen it all but today takes the biscuit. The letterbox at this one house I saw had a sign saying, 'no circulars'! When I looked closely at the letterbox, it was a standard rectangular shape! I had to laugh, I mean duh talk about stating the obvious.

Yours Aaron Hulk, the incredible

Well I have to agree with you Aaron but, and this is a big butt, you should be aware that the new european standard shape for a circle is actually a rectangle. - Baeky.

Dear Baeky,

My real problem is an allergy to brocolli, what should I do? It makes my skin go green and my trousers get ripped and torn.

Yours Aaron the impaler

Try coating them in something to disguise them, you could for instance coat them in breadcrumbs or a banana skin - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I know this may sound like the ravings of a paranoid lunatic. I am a law abiding citizen but constantly live in fear of the law. They are after me I tell you, I see signs everywhere saying I will be prosecuted. What am I supposed to have done? Why must I live in fear? Please help.

Yours Bill Poster

Bill, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've been growing an amber crystal on my arm for several days now. Shall I eat it?

Naomi

Naomi, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Gus' Cookery Tips

You know when you've been drinking slightly beer-heavy shandies all evening and suddenly you go into munchie overdrive?

Chortle... Snort.... HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oops, the ed told me to cut out the rhetorical question stuff after the last entry. Snigger... I just couldn't help myself. Heh, heh.

Okay, deep breaths, compose yourself Gus. Right, as I was saying, these late night munchie sessions can be a haven for creative culinary discoveries and I'm going to share with you some of my finest moments.

First off, to set the scene for taste sensation number one, I love biscuits. When I was a young lad and my mum went out I'd be straight in about the food cupboard. A biscuit eating frenzy would ensue until the the whole packet was finished. I'd have to go out to buy a new packet and then eat one biscuit from it. That way I could tell my mum that I'd had a biscuit while she was out. Anyway, on with the recipes...

Taste sensation number one....

Get yourself one glass of strawberry flavoured milk. I use a powder that has a cartoon rabbit on the box because I like to imagine I'm drinking rabbits. Next get yourself some cream crackers and dunk them into the pink milk. Devour the dunked cracker and like magic your mouth is filled with the flavour of those pink wafer biscuits from your childhood.

Taste sensation number two...

For this you will need some cheddar cheese, a bowl and a microwave. I call it a cheese crunch. Grate or crumble enough cheese to cover the bottom of the bowl well. Stick it into the microwave on high for a couple of minutes till it goes hard and crunchy with just a touch of chewiness in the middle. Scoff it down as is and you won't be disappointed though personally I like a wee dab of mustard on mine.

Finally, taste sensation number three...

Get yourself a packet of Super Noodles. Before you open it break it up a little bit, I tend to aim for between 8 & 12 pieces. Next get the flavour sachet. Open it and the noodles packet, pour exactly one third of the flavouring into the noodles. Hold the noodle packet closed and shake vigorously for a minute or so. Now eat the noodles as if they were a packet of crisps... Scrumptious!

Till next time readers... munch on!

Advanced Physics with Morna

Welcome back, it's lovely to see you all again. This week we will be discussing 'chaos theory'. It is an advanced topic but once again I'll be teaching it in a way that even the thickos will be able to grasp.

Chaos theory can be used to mathematically describe many seemingly random events such as weather patterns, plate tectonics, population growth and butterfly induced hurricanes. Yes, you read that right, hurricanes are generally started by a rare brazillian butterfly commonly known as the 'Lorenz Butterfly'. Though seldom seen in the wild they have been extensively modelled using supercomputers. If they get angered by say, some of their rain forest getting chopped down then one beat of their wings can set about a chain of events that culminates in a devastating hurricane.

But that is the abstract. Here is the science, pay attention girls. When you are out shopping at say, Monsoon, and you find a fabulous top reduced to £3.99 in the sale. It may seem like an amazing bargain but you never factored in chaos theory did you? After the buzz of the purchase has subsided and your heart has slowed back down to it's base level again, you start thinking, "hmm I don't have a skirt to go with this". One skirt later and your thinking, "I don't really have shoes to go with this outfit". A chain of events is set in motion which predictably ends in a whole new outfit complete with matching accessories. Suddenly you've spent £76 and all because of that £3.99 bargain.

And that darlings, is chaos theory in a nutshell. A random event in finding a sale item, the chain of other apparently random purchases and the complete outfit materialising from that random chaos. I have to say I just adore chaos theory.

This lesson takes you to roughly the start of your honours year. Next week I have a special surprise for you. To take you through your honours year and beyond I am delighted to announce that Dr Physics himself, our very own science expert Nat will be taking the lesson. Hurry back now, I know Nat is almost wetting himself with anticipation. Mmmmmwah.

Strange Sightings over Ulpster

For as long as any of the local residents can remember there have been long instances of weird lights appearing at indeterminate times over the skies of Ulpster.

One resident, teacher Mrs M. Sprite (62) was able to confirm these reports first hand saying, "Many of us believe they are extra terrestrial, and just hope that they are not part of a vast invasion fleet as there are literally hundreds of sightings. Others suggest that they are part of Government secret experiments, while a tiny minority think they are a natural phenomenon ... hah!"

When asked how often they appeared, Mrs Sprite said, "Every day! - and more and more frequently. I've been keeping a log and in June they hardly appeared at all, and then only very late at night. At the moment they are there more often than not, sometimes appearing as early as late afternoon and not vanishing until 7am. It's very worrying, it's as if they are getting closer!"

Mrs Sprite became very animated, saying, "Very infrequently you will see a light travel across the sky at breakneck speed before disappearing, but usually they just sit there, the intensity of the light often subtly fluctuating, I think the scientific term is twinkling."

Our own scientific team of Ade (Astrophysicist), and Nat (Star Wars aficionado) concur. "This does not sound natural at all", they agreed.


Artists impression of light phenomenon.

Lindsay's Lunchbox Review

The other night I was lying in bed just about to drift off to sleep when I was alerted by a rustling sound under the covers. I glanced over at my husband Mark as the noise was coming from his direction, and although it was quite dark I could make out a tent shape in the duvet cover where he was lying. Obviously I assumed he must you know, have got his lunch box out for a midnight snack or something, maybe he had some leftovers under there, a sandwich or chicken-leg perhaps?

But it got me to thinking about all the other lunchboxes I've seen over the years. As I lay there, the sweat glistening on my skin, I recalled the olympics of 1988 when Linford Christie shone like a polished apple. Even now, I can still recall with incredible detail the entire contents of Linford's lunchbox and the shape of it down to the minutest detail including the length and girth too. It certainly was a most impressive lunch box as I think you'll agree when we take a look.
As I lay there thinking about lunchboxes I became kind of fidgety, so as I tossed and turned in my bed, I diverted myself by recalling many other fine examples of celebrity lunchboxes too. The time I was invited as a guest at Arsenal football club was very memorable. Vavavoom! The footballers wives and I all gazed jealously at Thiery Henry's lunchbox in the Arsenal changing room at half time. What happened next was amazing, he took it out in front of everyone and just started there and then. I felt really lucky when he offered me a bit too. His lunchbox turned out to be a fairly standard shape I would say, possibly a little bigger than average at a push.


One of the most surprising lunchboxes has to be Ewan McGregor's, the actor. It is actually bright pink! I mean can you imagine that? Once one gets past the colour though it turns out to be a rather impressive and sleekly designed lunchbox. It is certainly up there in the lunchbox elite and quite renowned in acting circles as he takes it out on most of his shoots. Ewan has a rather odd tendency to wrap all his bits in cling film which I find strangely charming albiet unecessary with a lunchbox like his one.


Well I hope you've enjoyed my lunch box review, next time I'll tell you all about my fascinating collection of toe nail clippings.

Ciau ciau

L x

Letters to the Editor

Sir,
A word of warning to your readers regarding Ade's tip on telling right from left. I myself thought I could improve on his tip and tied a bit of string to the steering wheel of my car. I found that when I turned the wheel, to navigate a corner for instance, I got a false string reading and ended up hoplessly lost.
Yours Nikos

Nikos, you should have stuck with the tip as described, there are no short cuts. However, in an emergency the following tip has got me out of many a tight spot. Always turn towards the sun, that way you are always turning right, probably. (Note, this is only good for datytime). - Ed

Dear Sir,
Why is it that you have to read each separate article in this blog backwards, but the actual article forwards? It's doing my head in.
Yours Mr W.W. Dubbleyew

Well W, it's to help those in the other hemisphere to make sense of the stories, whichever hemisphere you are reading this in I can assure you it's more logical in the other. - Ed

Sir,
I never tie string around any of my wrists, ankles or other bodily extremities (except for one) and yet 50% of the times I guess the way to go I get it 100% right ;-)
Regards,
Michael De Candlestick

Hmm 50% of the time I guess the way to go I get it wrong 100% of the time, I suppose we should get together. - Ed

Dear Baeky,
I often find that my letters and emails get sent to the wrong recipient. Is this the fault of the USA government or maybe irresponsible hackers could be responsible? I wish that whoever is responsible can be punished please. I authorise you to do the necessary. Please delete this email once you have read and understood it.
Yours Sincerely,
Nick Buttros Dickos

I can see what your problem is, you are forgetting to put a postage stamp on your emails. Routers have feelings too and when you forget a detail like this they tend to spit the dummy out and route them incorrectly - Ed

Sir,
I wish to apply for the post of secretary at ie churnal offices, please note that I have big jugs is this an advantage? Pic enclosed.
Yours
Eswyl

I'm sorry, whan you can qualify your jugs with a valuation we will look again at your application. - Ed

Uncle Jonathan's Jottings

A tip fore yew all.
If eye had a sun eye wood want two share this tip with him, so eye have decided to share it with everyone.

Eye have found that yew don't actually knead to learn how two spell. All yew knead is a computer with a spell chequer. It will automatically show yew any errors, and can correct them. Do knot ask me wear yew can get a computer, eye have tolled yew enough too get bye with, the rest is up two yew.

Earth Shattering Discovery In Ulpster

After flooding of biblical proportion, one of the most important finds in recorded history has taken place at Ulpster. A local man has discovered what appears to be an ancient time-hole revealed by the receding waters.

Seepage worker Gus Sprite stumbled upon the remarkable anomaly whilst he was in his field checking for flood damage to his trees. In an interview with our resident roving science expert Dr Natty Inkspoon he said, “One minute I was checking to see if my trees had got wet and the next I was staring into a hole like no other I had seen before. It was so dark and mysterious, I knew straight away that it must have been supernatural or extraterrestrial or... something”. With a wry smile he continued, “The clincher was when Chaimig (local socialite and television personality) came cycling past. Unable to take his eyes off the hole I was dancing and whooping around, he came crashing off his bike, landing painfully in a crumpled heap. As far as I'm concerned it was the hole's powers that made it happen. Chaimig thinks so too and has sworn not to ride his bike again until the mysterious hole has been destroyed”.

Dr Natty Inkspoon specialises in these sorts of anomalies and was naturally dubious of such an incredible claim. For his Phd he wrote a thesis on time-holes and how they could not possibly exist because at no point are they mentioned in the Star Wars films. He went straight for the jugular and asked "What is it that makes this hole you speak of, a time-hole?".

Again a confidence spread over Gus' face, "I think that the merry jig it made me dance and making Chaimig fall off his bike is proof enough but there was more... It seemed to tinker with the very fabric of time itself!". After an ominous pause he elaborated, "I mean, I've chucked stones in there that have never come back out and when I went home to get my tea I was well late. I must have lost at least five minutes of my life to that dreadful hole, five minutes that I'll never get back". Gus let out an audible sigh and stared into space for a while only to perk up again when he remembered the final piece of evidence, "Oh Yeah, there was all that stuff I mentioned before and the rabbit shit all round the entrance, loads of it. I think the little beggars have been getting sucked into another time or dimension... or something. They must have been literally shitting themselves with fear as it happened".

For poor Natty this proof was the final straw. His belief in all things Star Wars, the cornerstone of his research, had been turned on it's head. Was it Star Trek that was showing the way all along? He pulled out his pipe, took a couple of puffs and trudged off into the sunset.

Ades Philosophy Column

In this article I would like to try and reach some of those readers who usually just skip over the Philosophy Col.

First, put the thought that I am a world renowned Philosopher to the back of your mind. Try and imagine I am just an ordinary person like you. This is a technique devised by yours truly to ensure readers are not overwhelmed by the sheer magnitued of my thought processes.

To put it another way, here I am, brain the size of a planet and expected to communicate with mere mortals, it's not an easy task, a bit like trying to teach an ant the times tables (and that's ant, not aunt).

Anyway, a conundrum that has interested Philosophers for years is the old optimist/pessimist view of a glass containing 50% liquid. The question, is the glass half empty or half full, some would say that both views are right but I can assure you that the problem is in fact the size of the glass. A smaller glass would give the much more simple, empty or full answer to the question and in this case only one of the answers would be right.

Now the doubters may say that the conundrum remains as you could drink half of the liquid in the smaller sized glass and be left with exactly the same descriptions. This is a pragmatist view which is totally alien to this philosopher and in any case my answer would once again be that the problem is still with the size of the glass.

So I hope this has given you something to ponder upon, and would welcome any correspondence from you lesser people so that I can keep you straight. Send your emails to ulpsterchurnal@googlemail.com marked for the attention of Ade

Ade x

Gold Medal Hoax

The Churnal can exclusively reveal that Mrs Spirits claim that her daughter had won a gold medal was in fact untrue.

When our reporter Ade confronted Mrs Spirit with the news she was at first dismissive, saying. "Eeee, yah bliddy littul liar, I nevah said it was gold, I said it was old." Our reporter pointed out that he had an email with "gold" typed on it from Mrs Spirit in which she openly admitted that the medal was not gold. Mrs Spirit became very aggressive and threatened our reporter, "I kna where yah live, yah bliddy[EXPLITIVE], If my husband Gus wasn't still away searching for the Faraway Tree you'd be bliddy for it!" Then her face contorted and she screamed having bitten her tongue.

Our reporter than asked Gus who was in the same room for a more balanced point of view, but he replied "No habla Espanyol", which was funny as our reporter was speaking English.

Aaron's World

To start my very first column I want to quote from the King, 'a little less conversation a little more action please'. I think that sums up what my column is about quite well, ie action packed adventure with new and exciting goss but none of that ridiculous and factually inaccurate nonsense you read so much of on the internet. Yes I am going to tell all you fashion heads about Linux this week and believe me, many people don't even know what Linux is so let me explain.

Out of the closet

Imagine you have a supermodel on the cat-walk like say Cindy Crawford. Now picture Kate Moss too. It doesn't matter what clothes they are modelling, what is important is that you view Cindy Crawford as an old style operating system like Windows Vista and Kate Moss, who is going out with Pete Doherty, is Linux. I have to come out of the closet just now and admit that I am just crazy about Linux. It is still underground but will soon be 'in' big time. So lets take Cindy and Kate and see what lies under their clothes so to speak as we examine the engine that drives their respective operating systems.

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty

Imagine Kate wants to tell you all about her vital statistics such as bra size, how many toes she has etc. In computer terminology we would refer to this as her 'objects'. Well that principle is the same with Linux. Now imagine that every time you ask Cindy her cup size and other vital statistics she hits you with her handbag but still lets you surf the net and cool stuff like that, well darlings, that is Windows. And that is the difference in a nutshell, not just in operating systems but also in all walks of life. But lets face it there are times when you are interested in a womans cup size which Linux offers.

Brad still wants Jen, latest goss

But how does this relate to Brangelina? Well it doesn't really, but you could imagine Brangelina as the look and feel of the operating system. Incidently maybe I should stop just now for those who don't know about computers and elaborate so that you'll understand this next example, Brangelina equals Bradd Pitt + Angelina Jolie. Quite simple really. So imagine that Brad had stayed with Jenifer, that would be a bit like the standard windows task bar, on the bottom of the screen with a start button on the left. But what if you put the task bar on the top of the screen instead, it would be totally different, and instead of a start button you had an applications menu. Well it would be as different as Bragelina is from Brad and Jen if you see what I mean.

Well I certainly hope this has helped a few Linux wannabes pluck up the courage to jump on right in and try it and a few maybe a few Linux gurus will come out of the closet with me.

Aaron

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Gold Medal for Ulpster

In the most important global-interworld taikwondo competition of the last century, our very own Naomi Spuzzit has come out on top with the gold medal.

On her way to victory she defeated her first opponent, 'Sub Zero' in only 23 seconds by somersaulting over his icy projectiles and kicking him to the head. In an amazingly arrogant display of audacity, Naomi chatted to her friend on a mobile phone throughout the entire match. Naomi followed this first success with similarly quick victories over Rayden and Scorpian before defeating Goro a huge 8 armed monster in the final.

farted during one high kick

Naomi first rose to prominence in Ulpster as an aggressive, young layabout who would somersault out from behind the bus shelter at ie old postoffice and kick the living shit out of whoever was passing by - usually Chessie or Chamig. Many of us still remember these times with dread as we recall the times we ourselves were beaten up and mugged. Thankfully, finally she was discovered by Grand Master Ling who was able to channel her aggression more constructively through this special form of Taikwondo.

it smelled of eggs

"I saw in her great potential to harm others", explains Master Ling, "Observe on this slow motion video how she aims a kick directly at the head of this young 14 year old white belt. Here she almost knocks her head clean off! If I pause the video here you can see the blood beginning to erupt outwards which becomes a fountain as I hit the frame advance a few times, and now you see this poor little victim er girl beginning to fall backwards and hit the floor, here. If I now press rewind, we can see it all again except this time in reverse. I find it incredible how technology enables us to see such things", he continued, "See how now it all happens again when I hit the play button like this ..."

furiously attacked a plank of wood

Master Ling generously gave us even more of his time for a further demonstration of the talents of his top student, Naomi. Holding up a thick plank of wood he blew on a whistle. "Kill" instructed Master Ling in a loud and commanding tone. From nowhere, Naomi came rushing in like a tornado and furiously attacked the plank of wood with a junior hacksaw. Snarling, she began to saw the wood clean in two, shrieking furiously whenever the saw jammed in the wood. Finally about 10 minutes later, she stood triumphantly in a small pile of sawdust holding up the two newly halved pieces of wood above her head.

So where does Naomi want to go next? We asked her this question after her famous victory over Goro. "Bring on that ponce Natty", she roared, "Lets see how his poncy art of Ikea'do copes with my devastating power". We at ie churnal await Natty's response to this challenge eagerly.

Whacky Tony

Hi its me whacky Tony. Yes I'm back already! Not for a full article just now though. Don't worry I can assure you I do have countless tales of the 60's and beyond still to come. Really I just want to set the record straight on something that has been bugging me since I published my first article. I want to be real clear about this. I think Liverpool are the spawn of Satan! OK, got that into your head? Sorry if I mislead you in the last article. I did used to support Liverpool ages ago in the 1980's and again briefly in 2005. Since then I have been a Manchester United fan. Well until a couple of years ago, now I think Manchester United are the spawn of Satan aswell. I am a blue like my son Aaron, except in his case he supports Rangers not Chelsea. Chelsea for the cup!

Ades Philosophy Column

Immanual Kant has been described by many to be one of the most important philosophers .. ever! However, he was described by such notable luminaries as the Pythons as "A real piss-ant, who was very rarely stable"

There has been a raging debate among the philosopher fraternity as to the accuracy of the Pythons assessment. Eminent philosopher Dr. A. Nuss went as far as to suggest that it was entirely inappropriate for the Pythons to make this correlation, especially, as he pointed out that they had also inferred that, Plato drank half a crate of whisky every day.

My own views were summed up very nicely by Vicky Pollard who said, "Yeah, but, no but, yeah, no, anyway nobody believes anything they say cos they're all sluts who drink and take drugs and anyway they only say it cos they think its cool and everything!"

Ade x

Ade's 5 Point Plan to Becoming a New Man

This is for all the blokes so you chicks can bugger off right now!!! Are they gone yet? Good. Right lads here we go. We all know it's tough being a bloke these days with feminism infecting all aspects of life. I mean a guy can't even flick through his copy of 'Womens Realm' anymore without stumbling upon article after article about how to snare a New Man. To be perfectly honest I think these new men are a bit poncy and soft but lets face it, we need birds to do some stuff that we can't do ourselves, like... you know... erm... washing clothes and nagging and so forth. With this in mind I have devised a 5 point plan to help us blokes grab the woman of our dreams with minimal pain and confusion.

1) Women love buftys, so the first step to new man-dom is simply to mince around and be bitchy when talking about other women.

2) One thing you can never under estimate is how much a clean toilet turns on the fairer sex. Luckily keeping it clean does not have to mean loo brushes and bleach. Remember we have our own in built power washers, so if you see a skiddy mark on the side of the bog just aim your tadger at it and pish the stain away. Voila!

3) The ladies go ga-ga for a six-pack stomach and with practice this should easily be attainable, you may even enjoy yourself. I suggest starting with two to three cans of beer over the course of an evening until you build your tolerance up. Within months you'll be necking a six pack per night with ease and you stomach will blossom.

4) A New Man absolutely has to be able to cook. I know, I know... the only cooking a guy should have to do is microwaving yesterdays take-away for breakfast but it's not all bad. I was in the supermarket the other day and found some excellent gourmet cuisine. One is a cup of noodles that is as easy to cook as making yourself a cup of coffee and you don't even have to dirty a plate. There is also a foreign sounding company that makes 57 (yes 57!) different meals. They are slightly more complex to prepare as you have to get them out of the sealed tin that they come in, use a pan to cook them in and use a plate or bowl to eat them from but they truly are of restaurant quality and will have your bit of crumpet coming back for more, time and time again.

5) When it comes down to it the only thing a piece of skirt is interested in is willy size. Unless, like me, you already have a garter snake in your pants I suggest one of my patented 'Steam Powered Penistretch 2000' machines. Available now for only $99.99 exclusively from www.penistretch2000.nz Stocks are limited so order now to avoid disappointment.

Good luck lads, though if you follow my plan you won't need it.

Ade x

Directions to Tony's House

One of the old articles in the Churnal is easily due an update as the old directions are ten years out of date now and what with all the old roads being demolished to make way for high rise buildings and monster Retail Parks, and new roads being integrated, the landscape has changed out of all recognition. The old directions are just not reliable. Plus I have moved half way across the world which changes things somewhat.

1. Have someone book a flight to Heathrow and a hire car on arrival. I can't stress enough how important it is for someone responsible to carry out the first step as it is easily the most difficult. As an indication of how important this is, the last time I asked my wife (who is usually very trustworthy), to book our flight to New Zealand the journey took over a year. Most of it was taken up with airport transfers, actual flight time came to less than 12 hours probably.

2. Taxi to the airport.

3. After landing at Heathrow drive West to the M25 and leave at A1

4. Follow the A1 as far as you can, then switch to the A9

5. Follow the A9 until you reach a T junction, take a right, then a left, then right, then left to the top of the hill. (If like me you have trouble with your left and right and you turn the wrong way at the junction you will not end up at Tony's house, one trick I have found to evercome this is to tie a bit of string on your right hand, check with the wife before you tie it on, otherwise you could be tying it on the wrong hand. Then the directions will be . . . . At the T junction, take a string, then a no-string, then a string, then no-string to the top of the hill) Now, if you reach another T juntion you have gone too far, but don't despair, there is an easy way to get back on track. Follow the signs to Wick. Then follow the signs to Inverness, but don't go all the way. You will come to a roundabout which you must go fully round and then follow step 5 again (many's the time I have done this myself, how I laughed when I found I had done it three times in a row.)

Ade x

Advanced Physics with Morna

Welcome to my absolutely fabulous and infinitely interesting wee corner of the Churnal. In time I will teach each and every one of you readers physics to an advanced level. Now darlings, before you all scroll up (or down) to the next story let me put your minds at rest. There will be no mind numbing text books or dusty grey old men waffling about pies in my column. I love to teach the king of all sciences using simple everyday examples so even the duhs can pick it up easily.

I'm sure that you are all aware of the fact that Concorde stretches by up to four metres during supersonic flight. Although this sounds excessive, due to the extraordinary length of the planes shaft (7.5 terra-inches) the change is proportionally insignificant and can easily be controlled with some heat resistant paint. Now here's the science girls, pay attention. The only way that you can spot that the stretch has taken place is to carefully check the edges of the carpet inside the plane itself. If there are bare floorboards all around the skirting boards then you are travelling at (or approaching) supersonic speeds. Using the following equation, (where L = The visible length of floorboards in metres) you can actually calculate exactly how fast you are travelling using nothing more than your trusty pocket tape measure.

(L + 1) x 0.5 = s (Speed in Mach)

Generally speaking, over 1 metre of bare floorboards indicates you are breaking the sound barrier. Which rather beautifully takes me to my next point.

Before the first supersonic aircraft was flown there was endless speculation from the gorgeous boffin fraternity. Such as, 'Will people at the back of the plane hear something that the pilot said before he even says it?', 'Will we catch up with conversations from the plane in front?' and 'Will the plane be bombarded with everything that was said on the Journey all at once after the plane has landed?'. Of course we now know that nothing out of the ordinary appears to happen when travelling even at twice the speed of sound. Here comes the science bit boys, pay attention. The boom that you hear when a plane breaks the sound barrier is actually the rupturing of the Sound-Time Continuum. When you speak when travelling at these speeds your words are sucked into the tear in time where they then gush down some sort of quantum string. Rather like when you put the tap on too fast when filling a rounded vase, soaking yourself in the process, the words woosh along the bottom and up the rear of the rupture before exiting the same point that they came in. As it is a tear in time the process appears to be instantaneous to the persons having the conversation so they remain oblivious to what is going on.

Finally I'd like to clear up a much debated topic. This is 100% true, try it if you don't believe me. As you are approximately 11 miles high when flying on Concorde and travelling faster that the earth rotates, it is possible to step out of a Concorde and gently float out of the Earths atmosphere. Honestly, don't listen to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise.

After this first lesson you should all now be up to the same level of physics knowledge as second year University students. Next lesson we shall try and get you up to and prepared for the start of your all important 3rd year. Check back soon as I'm missing you all already. Mmmmwah.

Letters to ie Churnal's favorite agony aunt

We are very happy to welcome back Baeky to ie churnal. As usual she is here to help with any of your problems. Here is a selection below.

Dear Baeky,

Many years ago I saw a letter in ie churnal where a young lad had a large slimey, brown, smelly, growth in his boxer shorts. The damnedest thing is the same thing happened to me shortly afterwards but I never kept my copy of 'ie churnal' and cannot remember the reply. In my case the growth is not slimey anymore, more kind of dry and with a cracked surface. If I prise it open slightly I can see what may be a peanut. Is it cancer?

Yours Aaron

Aaron, please don't worry unduly about this problem, it is nothing more than acne, a problem most adolescents unfortunately have to deal with. You can get medication for this at any chemist, or indeed supermarket. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Without fear of contridiction I say horses are the best animal, look at mine for example, much better than cats. Can you ride a cat? Like no way, whatever! Can a dog jump over a gate with you on its back. Hello? No way!

Mel

I think you'll find its contradiction Mel.
You are close, but no cigar, it's a well known fact that the best animal is a Unicorn which can do all the things you say AND poke you with a sharp pointy bit too - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

got some back copies of VIZ ? immy Miller for president?

Jim

I have some front copies, and you've spelled prison incorrectly. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've got a bun in the oven. How do I know when to take it out? Should I wait until it has turned brown?

Yours,

Bunny Becky's Big Buns

You should allow twenty minutes per pound plus twenty minutes. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I had a bun in the oven until today. All seems well as it is a nice dark brown colour. I have wrapped it in swaddling cloth and put it in a cot but it is stinking the room out. Is this normal and what can I do about it?

Yours,

Rude Dan Bum Baby Man

Perfectly normal Dan, I think you'll find the smell will disappear around about March. - Baeky

Send in your letters for 'Dear Baeky' to ulpsterchurnal@googlemail.com

Tony's whacked out tales of the 60's

We have a big tradition of travel stories in ie Churnal lately. But I'm going to embark on a trip further than you could ever imagine this week. Not traveling through the 3 dimensions of spatial eh ... stuff. No, we'll be traveling through the dimension of time. Thats right! I'm going to take you on a fantastic journey through the fabric of time itself. Can you imagine? With me you will revisit the hey day of the Rutles. Never thought it was possible? Well come with me now and lets travel through time to the year 1960-something.

But how can I travel back through nearly half a century of time? Surely its not possible! Should I get a new physics book as the laws of space and time have been re-written? Possibly. Or get in a space-ship and travel through a worm-hole in space? No way, I've told you a million times don't exaggerate.

All you have to do to enter the unreal dimension of the 1960's is continue reading with me Tony, your shall we say, timelord, and, dare I say it, leader of the Ulpster churnal. The time travel should just happen around you as you read my words of wisdom, and your imagination takes you away.

Anyway, lets now step backwards off the cliff of reality. Or as you might say follow the white rabbit, and it will seem like you are actually there on the moon with Neil and Buzz Lightyear and George and Ringo. Pretend you are smoking pot with Bob Dylan or if like me you find pot difficult to obtain, you can smoke bannana skins for the exact same effect. In fact I've just skinned one up myself. Now lets imagine 'rolling' back the years to the golden era of the 60s.

So now our mental preparations are complete and finally we can begin. Watch carefully with me as time slows down, ever slower and stops and begins to rewind. Lets start by pretending computers are regressing from today's whopping 128K, back down to a measly 48K and then to 16K and then only 1K in black and white and then beyond to 8 bytes, then 4 bytes and finally just one byte, then 4 bits, 2 bits and finally 1 bit! Yes, 1 bit computers. And now imagine VHS recorders turning backwards into Betamax videos and shite like that.

As we zoom through the 90's you notice other bits of technology becoming out-dated and crappier, thats how you know you are time traveling. Come with me now as the seconds rewind backwards, now becoming minutes, becoming years, the 80's now whizzing past backwards and my beloved Liverpool dominating Eurpoean soccer. My hair is now regaining its glorious ginger colour of old. At around this point you should imagine a special effect such as lines of light whooshing into the centre of oblivion until we get sucked up into our own existence, now the seventies, getting quicker, disoriented, time sucking me in..... Woooooooooooooosh.

Don't be scared, remember I am here too. And here we are finally we are in the year 1960!!! Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape! This is the actual moment in history when sex and drugs was invented. People used to put LSD on their cereal in the morning. Smell the air, notice how clean it is? In the year 1960 there were only around 200 motorvehicles in existence! Now, look around, yes thats right the 60's is in colour. Unlike popular misconception, the 1960's were in colour most of the time. It was just black and white TV that was black and white.

Phew, after all that time travelling I'm ready to go back to the comfort of the future or is it the present? and my 128K mean machine. Hope you figure out how to get back to the future yourselves, see you later... maybe !

Zzzziiiiizzzzziiiiimmmmmmmmm