Matt vs The World

Ah've noticed that ah lot of mah Churnal colleagues huv delusions of world domination and ah huv just one question...

When is it mah turn? When do ah get to rule the world? Well, that time is NOW and ah'm not gonna fanny aboot with cryogenics or any o' that pap!

Ah'm gonna do it the reet propa way, with 15 minute keyboard solos and endless guitar widdling fused with the music of the people, Hip-Hop. Ah call it Prog-Hop and it's gonna rock you sideways. We even have a new exciting dance, "The Prog-Hop Frog Hop".

Ade was the first to sign up for me band, I mean who can forget his Hip-Hop classics from the early ninetys? The now legendary "Nursery Raps" including the politically charged "Bah, Bah, Black Cloud of Injustice Above a Sheep" and of course the block-busting "Gus' Cookery Rap" are just a small part of a CV which make MnM look like a Smartie.

Uncle Jimmy was quick to follow suit proclaiming that he could widdle with best of them given enough beer. And that is not all! I can exclusively reveal that ah'm at an advanced stage in talks with Tony about bringing in his legendary "Giant Chicken Eating Frog" as official band choreographer.

With me band in place ah gave mah heros, Stock, Aitken and Waterman first dibs on the band but they got scared and said they couldn't fit my extended keyboard solos into their trademark 3 minute pop masterpieces, so they're not mah heros any more. Tits!

But nehva fear, we don't need to be part of the machine. If the Arctic Monkeys can get so huge with their unoriginal brand of re-hashed pop-punk wazz using only MySpace, then I, "MC Monkey Mackam and his Progressive Magpies" can RULE THE WORLD!

WATCH THIS SPACE!

Dear Miriam

We tried to locate Aimee er Miriam but she was still frozen in carbonite after dastardly Natty 's suspended animation experiment went horribly successfully. Galantly, Natty himself has offered to step into the agony aunt role for this occasion, while we try to recover Miriam.

Auntie Aimee,

I have stinky cheese under the corner of my big toe nail. I managed to gouge some out with the end of a kitchen knife the other day, which brings me to my problem... Now I'm wondering should I wash the knife or go and chat on the internet leaving the knife on the bench next to the cheeseboard?

Yours Katie Inkleston

Katie thats very interesting. Your problem is important to us. Please call again. - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've searched the five continents and the seven oceans, metaphorically at least, looking for the answer I seek. I've written to every blog on the internet, well that might be an exageration, including this one several times (thats not an exaggeration), and I've phoned every telephone number listed in my husbands phone book but the answer I seek is still not apparent to me. I'd be a fool to give up now after all this searching. Don't fob me off with any shite, I NEED that answer. I need it bad.

yors E. Kay

I'd like to answer your question with one of my own if I may? - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've got to be honest I'm addicted to Theasurus's. Whenever I see one I get absorbed, accustomed, attached, dedicated and dependent on it. Some might say devoted, disposed, fanatic or fond. However really I'm 'given over' or 'given to' them. You know? I'm habituated, hooked on, hyped with them. Please help me with my imbued, inclined, obsessed, predisposed, prone, spaced out, strung out obsession with Theasurus's

Yours in aggravation, anger, annoyance, besetment, bother, botheration, displeasure, exacerbation, fury, ire, irritant, irritation, nuisance, passion, pest, pique, plague, provocation, rage, resentment, vexation and wrath

Jonathon

Hmmm.... Next!, Nat

Dear Miriam,

I just don't know where else to turn. I was at my uncle Jimmy's house
and I had the most fantastic Chedder. It had a sort of earthy, farty
after taste to it. Jim is keeping his sources close to his chest and
insisting that it was just normal 99p shop Chedder :( Please help me
experience this delicacy again, I'm going off my head thinking about it.

Hungrily Yours,

Matty Big Back.

The only place I've ever tasted that cheese is in Jim's house, Nat

Dear Miriam,

You're a plant.

Regards, Sarracenia Hybrid

No, you're a plant.

Dear Miriam,

This Valentines Day I was running a bit short on inspiration so I had a
look back to Ade's Valentines guide from last year. It was a rousing
success but my gonads are still stinging some two weeks on.

Aunty Linden.

yeah I know what you mean, if you know what I mean *wink*

Dear Miriam,

My wife just popped through to the kitchen and now I've lost me baby.
What'll ah dee? Maria is gonna kill me!

Luv Ade x

who cares you muppit!!! Look you may be lucky or you may not. Try replacing the baby with a slug or smooth brochin, maybe your wife wont notice.

Dear Miriam

Where is Ulpster? Is it near Ulbster?

Thanks, G. Eographer

If you turn left at whaligoe you fall in the sea if that helps

Dear Miriam,

I took my we'an Aden doon tae the park, last I saw the wee beggar wiz playin wae the ducks. Noo ah cannae find yon bairn. Whit'll ah dae?

Aaron

Good god, we're getting them all this week, I can see why Miriam turned this gig down. Sort yourself out you plank!

Dear Miriam

I have a very short attention span. What can I do to

Dear whatever, finally a serious problem to diagnose. Ooo look I just found a bit of sweetcorn between my teeth. Did you listen to radio 2 this afternoon?

Dear Miriam

What happened to Aimee?

Regards

Confused Reader

Er I do not know! I wish I could help with the answer to your question er I think she er popped out or something... Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.