Truthful Tony - Myth Debunker

I think the others have all gone now so it's time for me to claim the Churnal for myself and transform it into the serious publication it should always have been.

Right, let's get down to business. Issue number one on my list is the prevalence of conspiracy theories being perpetuated and amplified by the World Wide Web. Take a smattering of half truths, a sprinkling of selectively chosen facts, half bake it for an unspecified time and boomshanka... anyone can become a renowned pseudo scientist. This shite is tainting real science and harming the reputations of genuine renowned scientists such as myself (O'Grade Science, 1967).

UNFOUNDED PISH

Recently it came to my attention that aliens are supposedly going to show up at the 2012 Olympic Games. This will usher in a new era for the NWO who will create a new religion uniting all the religions of the world, thus gaining full world domination when the Mayan long count calender comes to it's end.

Utter unfounded pish and I will tell you why...

I was rocking out, well, rocking on my chair in my sun lounge watching the beautiful windmills recently installed on the rolling hills near my house when I notice that the positioning of the turbines made them look a little bit like elevens. Now my son is twelve and my youngest grandchild is one, [12-1=11] and my two eldest grandchildren are eight and three, [8+3=11]. Spooky huh?

Time for some research. Querying google for "interesting facts about number eleven", then selecting the eleventh link brought up a video about, yep you guessed it, eleven. Well, bugger me if it wasn't as dull as Liverpool FC and pretty soon my thoughts had drifted over to the mighty Man City and their eleven goals scored against Utd this season. After several minutes I reached over for my mouse so that I could close the browser window and happened to glance at the time bar, I was dumbfounded... 33minutes 33seconds!

That is six elevens, from which you can form two pyramids of elevens, which can be dismantled and laid out to form four pyramids (see diagram 11), which got me to thinking about the four pyramids of the etheric life.

You will note that elevens have ones in them and as we all know the first pyramid of etheric life is Magnetic, which is what aliens use to propel their crafts (magnetism), which led me to think about the eleven planetary bodies in our solar system.

Now here is the really interesting bit, the Quran categorically stated that there were eleven planets in our solar system waaay before astronomers and scientists knew so. So, I went to chapter eleven of the Quran and counted eleven characters left from the bottom right and to my amazement the character looked like it had wee wings with a wee blob flying over it.

CONCLUSIVE PROOF

Conclusive proof that alien Muslims destroyed the twin towers (which looked like an eleven) because the royal/elite lizardy dudes running the world are actually their historical alien enemies from eleven thousand years ago (incidentally, notice the 'li' in lizard is also an eleven).

That got me to thinking, what could they want with earth? What is there most of on earth that is unique to earth? Water... salt water... salt has Sodium in it... Sodium is the eleventh element in the periodic table.

So at the end of the long count Mayan calendar Dec 21, 2012... [(2-1)-(2-0)= -1 +12 = 11] at 11:11am there will be an almighty alien Muslim lizard battle, culminating in all our sodium being taken back to planet eleven... or something... and we'll have no salt to put on our fresh water fish suppers for the rest of our days.

So to all you conspiracy loonies, get your grubby faces out your stinky bong pipes and wake up to the fact that there are NO conspiracies, just simple explanations as I have shown. Two multiplied by five does not equal eleven you dumbshits.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum.

Russion Revolution - New Theory

For years historians have debated the causes of the Russian revolution, usually attributing it mainly to the intransigence of Tzar Nikolas, the weak and inefficient system of government, and lesser contributing factors such as the discontent of the peasants who were unhappy with their lot.

Local historian Mr D Mackay (87), from Vik, a town near Ulpster, has studied the period in question extensively and has an alternative theory.

"In the early 1900's Vik was the premier herring fishing port in Europe, supplying the Russian peasants with their staple diet of herring," he explained, "Now I ask you, wouldn't you revolt if you were forced to live on a diet of herring alone?"

"It could be argued that Vik was the prime cause of the Russian revolution." he continued.

Mr Mackay, a historian and former CIA operative is, we believe, perfectly positioned to make these claims and the Churnal is proud to be able to confirm that his theory is indeed correct, probably.

A Star is Born

This years Nativity play at the Booer School saw the emergence of a new acting sensation.

Jonathan's portrayal of 'Grandad' had the audience spellbound. In a vain attempt at modesty, Jonathan said, "Of course, as I was taking part in the play, I was unable to watch it, and so could not possibly comment on how great I was."

His mother was more enthusiastic saying, "Although I am totally unbiased, I can honestly say I have never seen Grandad portrayed so accurately, the only thing missing was a complaint about lumpy soup."

Sir John Gielgud himself would have said something along the lines of, "Better than myself at a similar age," probably.

founder member of the churnal speaks out

"i'm sick of all this nonsense about the churnal being finished. It is simply not true end ay fuckin story " said Aaron, founder member of the churnal, earlier this year.

End ay fuckin story

"There is some truth in the rumours about there being almost no stories being published though." he continued", a fact born out by the churnal archives which show very little posts for months on end. Aaron then picked a blade of grass and started making loud noises by holding it between his thumbs and blowing hard. Everytime we tried to ask more questions he blew louder. Then we left.

earthquake rocks ulpster

An earthquake rocked Ulpster in the early hours of this morning. Earthquake victim Matt Bigback who got caught in the middle of it had this to say, "eeee why aye ah was in ulpster when it geat happened and shite like that, and then suddenly I didn't really feel anything at all man. funnily enough i foundout later that was when it had happened like."

Emminent geologist Angus McFungus had a rather different and sobering view on the earthquake that hit Ulpster this morning. "I was pottering around in my lab chipping off a few bit of stones from a fossil fish i nabbed from Wendy and David's garden. Suddenly I felt a sensation so powerful it was almost detectable by a human being. I 'felt' it through my graphometer device which draws little wiggles on a bit of paper when wobles. I measured the peaks of the wobbles and found out that the earthquake had a magnitude and an epicentre and all that stuff.

We'll bring you more details as we find them. Please let us know any of your own experiences of this devastaing quake.

Splat champions interviewed

The churnal has delved deep the clique underworld of Splat, a game which originated on the sinclair spectrum. We have proudly located the two most prominent champions that have ever existed in the entire world. The formidable ADEYPOOP and the mysterious AF. These two players burst onto the scene in 2006 and still dominate the entire Top 10 of world record scores having dethroned Stompy and Kenty on their way to glory. Formerly favorite cousins, Adeypoop and AF are reputed to hate each others guts now the rivalry is so strong.

We spoke to AF first who told us of his anguish at being dethroned on that fateful day of 12 Oct 2006. "I don't want to talk about it" he said and turned his face away from us whilst sighing heavily. AF's skin glistened with sweat and emotion as finally he opened up like a river overflowing its banks. "I had been the champion ever since the 4th May 2006 when I reached level 23 and atained my score of 60690, STOMPY didn't know what hit him as my score totally blew him out of the water. Stompys' best was level 18 I think, it was one of the best times of my life when I reached number 1." Aaron was silent for a moment then continued... "That bastard, that fucking bastard! he was practising constantly and I never thought he'd do it but then he fucking well did and by that point I couldn't be arsed logging into Windows to play it anymore ...." AF turned away, the clock on the mantlepiece suddenly seeming to tick loudly in the uncomfortable silence that followed. Eventually Aaron broke the silence by muttering something about hating Microsoft and then started singing a little song he'd made up about Ubuntu.

Adeypoop, the reigning splat champion of the world was harder to track down having buggered off to the other side of the world but we did manage to get him on skype one morning. 'Every time i got close to his score that wee bugger seemed to pull another big one out the bag' said Ade whistfully, ' by big I mean really huge you know?' , Ade's kiwi accent sounded quite strong which surprised us. We couldn't tell at times what words he was saying for example he was pronouncing the vowels all wrong like saying beer feet instead of bare feet. Ade elaborated, "Then one day everything just seemed right and I went for it and I acheived it". Ade smiled a big smug grin and drank a large vodka martina shaken but not stirred in one gulp.

So what is in the future for these two giants of the computer world? Is there any truth in the rumours of a reunion playing Kick Off2? Aaron was quite frank in his response, 'I've moved on, yes splat is a proud part of my history, yes it hurts that adeypoop beat me, but i can hammer him at manic miner, TLL, assault cube... so he can fuck off. And I used to beat him as England versus Scotland in Kick Off2. He can have splat but I'll take everything else.

It was hard to tell what ade was saying due to all the jumbled up pronouciations but it seemed like he was bragging that noone will ever beat his score which has now stood for several years. Maybe he is right?

At this point Tony piped up, "I'm number one at the Atari ST version of Joust, the high score table i pinned on the wall next to my computer is conclusive proof."

You can see the current world splay highscore table by following this link - http://www.dbhut.com/splat.php

Ade's Philosophy Column

It's been a while, but I've been thinking about Descarte a lot recently, which according to his philosophy means I am. But what if I only think that I'm thinking about Descarte? does this mean that in reality I'm not or does it mean that I only think I am, or that I think I'm not. If I think I'm not that may in fact mean that I am.

If I think I am purely because I'm thinking am I not when I go to sleep? There again, if I think I'm not, does this mean I am, because I'm thinking or am I only thinking this?

I hope this has cleared things up for the plebs out there, I will deliberate more and keep the Churnal posted ..... OUCH! ..... I bit me bliddy tongue