Aden's philosophy column

The other day I was thinking about my pearls of wisdom and stuff and I thought, I could do a much better job of philosophy than that turkey Ade. So I've decided to set my pearls of wisdom to the side for now and do my first fully fledged philosophy column.

Now just suppose for a moment that a black hole's event horizon encloses a volume, and more massive black holes have larger event horizons and enclose larger volumes. The most massive black hole which can fit in a given region is the one whose event horizon corresponds exactly to the boundary of the given region. Are you with me so far?

Ok good, so then greater mass entails greater entropy. Therefore the maximal limit of entropy for any ordinary region of space is directly proportional to the surface area of the region, not its volume.

Ah ha, I hear you say "This is counter-intuitive because entropy is an extensive variable, being directly proportional to mass, which is proportional to volume (all else being equal, including the density of the mass)".

However! And this is the clever bit. If the entropy of ordinary mass (not just black holes) is also proportional to area, then this implies that volume itself is somehow illusory: that mass occupies area, not volume, and so the universe is really a hologram which is isomorphic to the information "inscribed" on its boundaries

Ha! Take that Ade!!!

The secret anguish of Jim Inkleton

Uncle Jim has always seemed to be a carefree type, with his trademark lopsided toothy grin and his chirpy banter, his foppish hairstyle and his trendy selection of vynil records. Even his garlic breath and enormous foetid big toe seems to have done little to dampen his spirits. However the churnal has learned of the hidden anguish of uncle Jim. We spoke to him recently ...

I used to eat most things as a young lad, I'd eat sprouts, liver the lot you know. Pate smothered thick on a big rivita biscuit. Kidney and kidney beans. I'd even eat peas pudding for christ sake. There was only one thing I don't like was butter beans. But was I allowed to leave them on the side of the plate. Was I buggery!

Jim shuddered as he recalled this painful memory, his shoulders drooping and his head sinking as he continued...

My ma used to force me to eat them you know but I hated them really. The one food I hated but I had to eat it! My sisters were horrible they used to laugh at the look of revulsion and distaste on my face as I ate my butter beans. Its really a combination of the taste and the texture that I dislike really, I mean come on. Why? Why did I have to eat them? Even now Anne puts them on my plate hidden amongst all the other veggies. She thinks I don't notice but I do. I just hide them behind the sideboard. She hasn't noticed yet.

Jim's face brightened up as he thought about the stash of butter beans behind the sideboard and his devious avoidance of the detested dish, but then another thought seemed to cross his mind and his shoulders once again slumped as he started talking again in a despondent tone of voice.

I've got to go round for dinner on Sunday to my ma. Whats the bets its beef, tatties and butter beans. Christ I hope not! Oh man, its the way they have that squishy interior, i can't describe it they are shit. Why can't they leave me alone?

Jim's autobiography can be purchased from selected stores at a cost of one pound ninety nine pence.

Update

Its been brought to our attention that there was a slight inaccuracy in our Peace Talks story which was reported recently. It seems there was a minor typo, where it said Aaron it should have read Ade. Although this is quite an easy mistake to make and very minor we have nevertheless sacked our secretary for this outrageous and clumsy error. We had no intention of getting rid of our vice resident or of misleading our readers. Of course Ade had to go now that the true leader of the churnal has been reinstated. Please accept out apologies for the error, we will strive to now get back to our previously high standards of journalism.

Sphagnum

Greetings earthlings, Dr Natty Inkspot of the united federation of space hoppers and intergalactic warfare tribunal here again. I'm just back from a trip in the delta quadrant actually. I tell you I love going there they have the best sphagnum moss in the galaxy. What happens is you light it up using a pipe like those ones you get on the planet earth in the 20th century. Take a couple of puffs and the next thing you know you are on a rocket ship to Mars I tell ya, floating around the place with really itchy ears. Amazing stuff, then you get cold sweats and finally black out. Amazing! On my next trip I'm gonna get some Gilliweed, I'll be sure to let you know what sort of a bang you get from that so stay tuned in.

Peace Talks a Success

Good news everyone. The unsavory dispute which has torn ie Ulpster Churnal apart in recent weeks has finally been resolved.

All round good guys Henry Kissinger and Richard Nixon decided for the sake of world peace it was imperative that they should intervene. At midday today all five men met up at the old Kyleburn sweet factory to thrash things out. And thrash they did... Aaron that is! The four men pounced on Aaron the minute he walked in the door and dished out a severe kicking. While Ade and Henry set about his face and body, Tony and Richard worked the groin... booting, punching and stamping until he passed out. I doubt think we'll be seeing much of that tube again :)

So loyal readers, the status quo has returned. We are just glad that it could all be worked out peacefully.

Fight!

Hi readers, the dispute with the unamed disgruntled former staff member, reached new depths last night. I was on my way home from the pub last night with Ade. Matt and Aimee had left earlier. Then guess who showed up? Yes you guessed it Dad er Tony. Anyway to cut a long story short he'd had a bit too much to drink and was fuming over the fact that Ade and I are set to earn a fortune from the churnal whilst he gets none when we sell it. I think he'd been drinking bacardi breezers. He roared drunkenly and lurched across the street towards me, then grabbed me by the pony tail and pulled my hair hard. Naturally I grabbed his hair too. A bit less of it but I was able to get a handful and hold on for dear life. The harder he pulled my hair the harder I pulled his. I'm sure it must have been painfull for him because he was shouting 'ah stop stop stop please please'. Then I realised I was also shouting words to similar effect. So we made an agreement to both let go at the same time but after counting to 3 when the agreed moment came he didn't let go! The dirty shit. Well naturally I didn't let go either.

But then he did let go and started nipping me. Ade tried to intervene but before he could I started pinching Tony. If he can't take the medicine he shouldn't dish it out. So I gave him double medicine.

Anyway hopefully this is an end to the whole sorry state of affairs. We wish Tony all the best in his future endeavours.

Aaron

Mad Matt’s Music

…whatty? What do you want? Music? Oh I see!

Hello! Time for more from me, Mad Matt, and my magical music collection!

Today I’m reviewing one hell of an album, Tubular Bells by Mike Oldfield.

The whole thing is virtually all instrumental, though there are some interesting lyrics towards the end (which I’ll get to in good time)

The opening section is note for note a copy of the theme from The Exorcist. Oldfield might have thought he’d get away with it, but I saw straight through it. As the first side of the album progresses there are more speed changes than a trip on the Metro. Fast, slow, fast, slow, what’s going on? If you’re one of those people who likes to walk in time with the music, choose another album, or risk going from snails pace to sprint 6 times a minute.

The end of the first half is some bloke shouting out instruments, and poor mike had to go get the instrument and play that part of the tune on it. Piano to “Reed and Pipe Organ” isn’t so bad but when he shouts out “Mandolin” followed by Tubular Bells Mike was probably exhausted.

The second half of the album has nearly as many speed changes, though it is mainly slower, so it’s very relaxing…until you get to the caveman bit.

Caveman sounds like a man who’s tried to smoke a pipe with the hot end in his gob. It’s a series of grunts, snorts, shouts and screams, all set to quite a heavy guitar driven tune. These grunts are not meaningless however, as Professor David Mackay explains

There seems to be a hidden message in fragmented Gaelic. From what I’ve heard it seems to translate roughly as “Jimmy Miller is the overlord. Worship Him, for He shall rule the world for the rest of time!,” whatever that may mean.

The album closes with The Sailors Hornpipe, perhaps because Mike was driven mad in the process of creating such a complex and strange album. Maybe he was mad all along? We’ll never know.

The album cover is a twisted tubular bell, perhaps the one used to strangle the strange man who shouted out the strange combination of musical instruments, perhaps not. On the sleeve of the record there is a message:

This stereo record cannot be played on old tin boxes no matter what they are fitted with. If you are in possession of such equipment please hand it into the nearest police station.

I’d do as it says, if you don’t he comes to your house and smacks you round the head with your own record player

Tubular Bells is available in any fathers, uncles, or middle aged man’s record collection (oh and mine of course)

Legal Notice

This notice is issued by solicitors acting on behalf of Ie Ulpster Churnal, probably.

Some of the more astute readers will have noticed a drop off in the number of articles appearing in this publication. This is due to an ongoing legal challenge the Churnal has been subject to, brought by a disgruntled former staff writer regarding his dismissal We have sought permission from the courts to issue this explanatory notice subject to the following two caveats, until the legal process has reached it's conclusion.

1. We are unable to identify the perpetrator.
2. We are unable to attach any blame to any person.

Although we are still unable to publish until the matter is resolved, we hope the Churnal will return to normality once that bugger Tony's challenge has been thrown out of court.

Business News

Sources in the Oil and Petroleum Industry advised today that in spite of a recent increase in fuel duty, now is a very good time to replenish fuel stocks, citing historical precedent.

A business analyst who wanted to remain anonymous explained. "It's extremely unusual for fuel prices to come down in price and its likely that the price may increase. Therefore it seems logical that if your vehicle is nearing the empty mark on your fuel gauge you should refill as soon as possible.

Nick Boutros refused to rule out the suggestion that he had insider knowledge so we recommend you follow his suggestion.

Wookie versus Klingon

Luitenent Natty of the imperial spacehopping society here.

Hello readers, I'm just back from the gamma quadrant (at least thats what I told my mam). Incidently, I found Aunty Wendy alive and well in sector Z.Z.Alpha, she's been assimilated by the Borg.

Anyway, people often ask me which is superior, Star Wars or Star Trek? I always respond by telling them to ask the following question instead: Which is better, mystical use of the so called, 'force' or good hard science such as the impeccable logic of Spock? Well you know I always put my faith in science so I thought I'd back up my instincts with a fabulous experiment.

Heres what I did...

I firstly concoted a real fight between a wookie and a Klingon. Of course I didn't have a real wookie neither a real Klingon, so I created a computer model of these two alien beings, both based on my cousin Aaron. I then added a 'klinginess' parameter and turned that up high to simulate a Klingon. I didn't need to add a 'wookiness' parameter in the end as Aaron's natural blueprint was identical to that of a wookie.

So far so good, but alas, When I tried to compile my code I got shit loads of errors man. Zark knows what that was all about so I had to delete it in the end. However I still maintain Gene Rodenberry's created a masterpiece.

Anyway I'm off to boldly go where no man has gone before, and send a brown trout back to the sea.

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Well a new vehicle registration period is upon us and I have a money saving tip for everyone. Instead of paying a fortune for a personalised number plate with your new car, simply change your name to the registration number you have, et viola, a personalised plate without costing you a fortune.

If you want further information, please email ie churnal at the usual address, marked for the attention of my dad, Mr Aaron KB07 HYT

Jonathan's Jottings

My pal George and I have been discussing the, up until now, taboo subject of 'stuck farts'. I had always thought this phenomenon peculiar to me until George confessed he too occasionally suffered from this. This opened up a whole new can of worms, for instance, is 'stuck fart' the correct terminology, do other people know it under a different name? When I thought it applied to myself alone it mattered not what it was called and perhaps I have inadvertently renamed it.

For the uninitiated, a 'stuck fart' feels like a bubble just at the exit point that just doesn't burst, at least not with a satisfactory tonal quality, and often disappears with no satisfaction derived.

My brother Aaron says that trying to force the issue can be counter productive and lead to the disastrous condition known as a 'lumpy fart'. His recommendation is, as unsatisfying as it is, to let the stuck fart go gracefully. Is this true? or is he just scare mongering?. It seems such a pity to waste a fart, but if the consequences are so draconian? Surely some of the aussie rules aficionado's could elucidate. Please let me know your thoughts on this at the usual address.

Gus' Cookery World - Last chance to eat

You know readers, I want to confide in you this week. I haven't told anyone this before but my biggest regret in life is that I never had the chance to eat the flesh of the Dodo. The late, famed dodo was a clumsy, pigeon-like bird, larger than a turkey which lived on the Indian Ocean island of Mauritius. Its flesh though tough and tasteless could have been spiced up somewhat with a bit of oregano. At least thats what I reckon. Alas this will never happen, the last dodos were killed in the 17th century by those jammy portuguese bastards. Now the dodo is extinct and so on and so forth I will never get to taste its tasteless flesh. Dammit! My heart aches with this tragedy of lost opportunity.

But fear not readers all is not lost, I did have the chance to eat the Kakapo which I always fully intended to do. This large flightless parrot, the Kakapo, is a tragic victim of a quickly changing environment and with danger rushing at it from all sides it's impossible not to love this bird.

The Kakapo was once widespread throughout New Zealand but there are now only 62 Kakapo left, well now actually only 61 hehehe. Having said that though I have to admit that on my recent hunting trip to New Zealand I felt quite sad when I wrang one's neck but after plucking out it's green feathers it just looked like any old meat from the supermarket and turned out to be quite nice, a bit like turkey actually. Anyway I figure that 61 birds would give me a good years worth of eating (or less if cooking for a family) of good healthy portions plus leftovers if I ever considered moving to New Zealand.

Ade's Philosophy Column

The Trouble with Philosophy

Don't get me wrong, I think philosophy is great but it just isn't an 'ology'. Ologies like socialology (well that's a poor example), or psychology just leave philosophy for dead. One of the inherent problems is that philosophical assertions can be more difficult to prove as they are often subjective, whereas for most of the ologies the various considerations can be proven, of course my example of psychology is a poor example of this. It's a bit like comparing a subject like art with mathematics for instance.

Now this can be viewed as either a good thing or a bad thing, it often depends on which side of the fence you are on or indeed which side of the bed you got out of that morning. For all you budding philosophiser's out there my advice is to treat each case on it's merits and I don't mean a dog. Anyone not understanding the joke here should really think of taking up a less demanding profession, doctor or solicitor, something like that.

Hope you're not all intimidated by the size of my intellect.

Ade x

Unnofficial churnal warning

Since getting booted out of the ulpster churnal Tony has been hard at work creating his own ulpster churnal!

Aaron, the new deputy leader of ie churnal, read the following statement on Ade's behalf in response to these revelations, "That old bufty has stolen our idea! He's just trying to cash in by selling this inferior imitation. I must urge our readers not to jump ship to this other churnal. There can be only one! Why does the sun come up in the morning? Are the stars merely pinholes in the curtain of night?"

A reliable source says that Grahame Souness has already put in an offer to buy Tony's ulpster churnal and has pulled out of the race to buy our churnal.

Meanwhile Bill Gates, Google and Apple are said to be monitoring this situation carefully and may pull out of the race to buy ie churnal unless this fake churnal site is closed down.


WARNING UNOFFICIAL CHURNAL - DO NOT CICK THIS LINK

Mad Matt’s Music

Hello! Today I’m going to talk about some mind blowing music! The album I’m talking about today is Journey to the Centre of the Earth, by the keyboard wizard, Mr Rick Wakeman.

It’s best to listen to this album with a big hifi with nice loud speakers, but bring an extra [air of pants, just in case you crap yourself when the music suddenly starts.

The album is a mixture of orchestra and funky 70s rock, with tons of keyboards, which combined, create a very spacey sound, ideal for those Sunday mornings in with your mates, passing the duchy on the left hand side.

There’s even a story told in the music, something about a bunch of idiots trying to get to the centre of the earth, then getting lost, finding a sea, witnessing some horrific sea-monster things battling and then being spat out by a volcano. I’m sure you’ll agree, this is a fine plot, and highly believable.

Overall I rate this album at 4 stars, a highly believable epic tale set to music you can really get spaced to.

Revealed

We have received a letter from Mrs Essie Kye who claims her husband recently won the Aussie Rules FT Championship. She has blown the lid off the secret diet that allowed him to perform so spectacularly. Although threatened with legal action by her husband whose identity we can not reveal unfortunately for legal reasons, we have decided to publish an extract.

My husband recently won an Aussie Rules Contest which was comprehensively covered in ie Churnal and in the interests of "open source" I have decided to reveal the diet he used in preparation for the contest.

His diet follows a two day cycle, repeated for 8 days prior to the contest.

Day one consists :- For Breakfast ------Censored------ on toast, Lunch of ------Censored------ on toast, and Dinner consisting of ----------------Censored-----------------.

Day two consists of :- Breakfast of --------Censored-------- on toast or --------Censored-------- on toast, Lunch of --------Censored--------, and for Dinner --------Censored--------

For Snacks he eats, ------Censored-----, -----Censored----- and any -----Censored-----.

PS Please don't publish my name, Yours Essie Kye.

This is the kind of incisive reporting we need,

Ade

Tony Deposed

It is with a feeling of relief, tinged with more than a little sadness, that I report today the ending of Tony's reign as the self-styled leader of ie Churnal. At approximately 14:10 today, Aaron (the spider eater), and I (the new leader), escorted Tony from the premises of the Churnal, allowing him only to take an already opened punnet of Chinkwi Fruberries with him. The locks have been changed and his access revoked.

Aaron and myself are therefore resuming our duties at ie Churnal so you can expect some more quality news stores in the near future. I would like to stress that this has nothing to do with the proposed buyout of the publication, and definitely not a vehicle to deprive Tony of his share, we both think it's unfortunate that he'll miss out on any windfall but there's nothing we can do about it.

Ade

Bidding war for ie churnal

A bidding war for the rights to ie churnal is anticipated after Tony signaled to the world's stock markets that he is ready to sell his revolutionary internet based publication. Speculation is rife as to who may wish to purchase ie churnal but one expert told us that big hitters of the computing world Google and Microsoft are set to battle it out over the rights for ie churnal. If either one of these technology giants are to succeed and buy the publication then this could turn the co-founders of ie churnal; Baeky, Aaron, Ade and Tony overnight into multi-millionares. While new members Aimee and Matt would get nothing. It is thought that former Liverpool manager Grahame Souness is also interested in buying ie churnal and converting it into a premiership football club.

Aaron resigns

Ulpster churnalist Aaron has handed in his resignation from ie churnal. In a carefully prepared statement which was read by Matt, Aaron said, "I'll be sorry to leave ie churnal but I'm looking forward to moving on to other hopefully bigger things. For example I have an idea to start a new blog of my own about draft excluders and such stuff as that. In any case that cheating puff (Tony) should never have beat me in the ulpster open fart tennis competition earlier this year."

It is not known who will replace Aaron at this stage if anyone. The churnal is still reeling after the sackings of Baeky, Maria, and Ade aswell.

Another moral test of society

For part 2 of my thesis on the morals of society I ask this question...

Would you hold, and gently fondle, a homeless man's balls for 20 seconds, in return for a talking dog that impressed/wooed the opposite sex and would virtually guarantee full-blown sex? .

Rules and Regulations

1) You must hold the testicles with either your hands or mouth

2) You must be in the same room as the homeless 'vagabond', so you can collect your 'doggy prize' after the 20 seconds are up.

3) This dog is a puppy, and will live for at least another 15 years.

4) The homeless men in question is a choice between the old guy with the big nose that sits on the church steps at the Holburn end of Union Street , or the junkie that can be found outside 'Somerfield' at the middle of Union Street

5) You must not touch the homeless man's penis, only holding/fondling his balls

6) You can do this sober or drunk, but you must bear in mind that the homeless man will be excited so may feel the urge to take advantage of the opportunity should the 'holder' be drunk

7) The homeless man must be awake during the act

---

Answers via comments please. To start the ball rolling I can reveal that my nephew Aaron almost certainly would do it.

They are coming

During a recent video conference call, Baeky McSpiz witnessed three Alien Spacecraft flying in formation in the skies around Ulpster. She happened to notice the spaceships while her correspondent's webcam was being adjusted and had momentarily pointed out the window towards the evening sky. With amazing presence of mind, Baeky quickly pressed the 'print screen' button on her PC and thus captured the moment, which is shown here exclusively in ie Churnal,

Alien spacecraft flying in formation

"I was very proud of my IT knowledge when I captured the image data", explained Baeky to our reporter, "I used my technical knowledge of computing to cut the data and paste the image data. I was multi-tasking by carrying on my conversation while doing this."

Conclusive Proof

Our reporter looked very impressed, and so Baeky, looking pleased elaborated further, "I used an application called MS Paint to paste the data into. You see I remembered this application is able to save images onto the hard drive for storage...

Lost the data

"It appeared for a moment that I had lost the data at one point!", continued Baeky, "You can imagine I'm sure, how my heart sank. I was gutted! Then I realised that I had inadvertently minimized the MS Paint application into the toolbar. All I had to do to recover the lost data was select the application and maximise it. Voila the image data was recovered and displayed in the application exactly how I had pasted it. Without wasting another moment I quickly saved it before further mishap could occur. I chose the 'My Pictures' folder to store the image data onto on my hard disk drive."

Roswell Incident

This is the second time UFO's have been seen in the skies around Caithness after a recent sighting of a UFO near Lypster which was actually witnessed beaming up Aunty Wendy in a mysterious kidnapping event. This extraordinary event had been captured on Matt's camera phone. Around fourty seven years ago UFO's were also seen in Roswell, New Mexico. Mysteriously we couldn't find anyone willing to talk about the Roswell incident with us.

Ade sacked

Ade has been sacked from ie ulpster churnal in the most dramatic shake up of the staff seen since the days when Roy Anarchy was in charge.

"It had gotten too much", explained Tony, the leader of ie churnal, "we turned a blind eye to all the fart related stuff ... it went on fart oolong! Hehehe I just thought of that! But I mean fart jokes are not sophisticated enough for readers nowadays are they? And then there was the boob stories, the allegations, the lawsuits that followed. We even think we lost our reader in the fallout of that." Tony looked thoughtful for a moment and then seeming to forget we were here started absentmindedly picking his nose.

Blod was also available to make a statement telling us in a hushed voice, "They are coming. They are coming..." and then staring catatonically at a wall.

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair declined to speak to us although one of his representatives mentioned that Mr. Blair was saddened about this turn of events and actually thought Ade was a 'cool guy'.

Linden's ethical and moral tests

Hi readers, I managed to pull a few strings and here I am with me own column too, just like Wendy.

In a series of social experiments I intend to challenge the very minds of our readers with ethical and moral tests of judgement using fiendishly devised dilemmas which could unravel the very fabric of our society!

By extrapolating the results and data gathered from a cross section of churnal readers, thus we shall expect to see just where the boundaries lie n' that.

As this first dilemma is quite gender specific, I've done two; one for each gender. Both of these have been cleverly devised to be completely equivalent in terms of attractiveness and appeal. In other words there is no difference between the female choice and the male choice. These have been based on my painstaking estimation and in consultation with Peter for the lads version.

This weeks dilemma is,

Shoot, Shag or Marry ?

Rules - You cannot use each person more than once. Who would you shoot? Who would you shag? and who would you marry? Eeee its a tough choice for the girls, I'm not sure which I'd gan for. But are YOU brave enough to make the call?






Now its the lads turn. Who would you shoot, shag and marry out of these?






IMPORTANT NOTE: For every hit that this page gets without an associated completed response or a page comment Linden will kill a puppy.

Free Online Poll

Dear Aimae - continued

Bebo bebo bebo bebo my little fart knockers. Heres a couple of letters that missed the first batch, but graciously I don't mind as I'm like a light in dark places and stuff.

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I am living in a part of Engerland that has been affected by flooding and have suffered water shortage. As a result my good wife, daughter and I have all been unable to bathe as regularly as we would like and tension in the house is mounting; you see Jaz and Heather ( whoops, my good wife and daughter) smell naturally of sugar and spice and all things nice and I just, well Aimee, to be honest I just pong. You may think I am making a fuss over nothing, but they have moved out and I am left to sit in my own stench. To make things worse, the stress has made my pumps rather more eggy than usual. How can win my family back and sort out my eggy bottom?

Yours, I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you 'men in black' Fell

Dear "I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you" men in black Fell,

Stop whining and go to the local swimming baths; a wee splash in the chlorinated water will kill off any stinky bacteria clinging to your being and will give you a new, almost astringent whiff that should last a few days at a time. Hopefully this new pong will enable you to welcome your sugar n spice girls back home which will in turn relax you and neutralise the acidity in your hydrogen sulphide rich pumps.

Voila xxx Much Love Auny Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee

I'm moving home tomorrow and it's really stressing me out. I've been in my safe little home for ages but tomorrow I'm moving to a new big cold noisy metropolis where I won't know many people. I know I should be excited, but I feel scared - what's wrong with me?

Kia Fell -1day

Nothing's wrong with you, Kia. It is a very scary prospect, becoming a little fish in a big pond, and most people find this time in their lives difficult. You can do lots to make it feel more under your control. Ask your parents to find out about induction days. . Try and get together with someone who is going through the same thing, or just has (Joel?) even if you aren't friends at the moment you'll have this in common and can look out for each other during the first few years of this big bad world. You're going to have to do it, so the best tactic is to do it with confidence. Good luck!

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimae

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My Dad always tels me not to pik my nose, but he duz it himself.
It not fair!

Aden

Dear Aden

A wee something my dad used to say to me may help here " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you work that out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aunty Aimee,

My blummin Dad always pumps then insists it wasn't him. To make matters worse he goes mental if I ever sneak even the most insignificant sterile one out. It's not fair.

Air head

Dear Air Head,

I'll share with you a wee something my dad used to say to me " do as I say, not as I do" I'm sure that'll help you sort this out.

Aunty Aimee

Dear Aimee,

How can I convince my son and youngest daughter that horses are way more better than cats and stuff like that? Can you gallop a cat? Hello!? What do you think?

yours Mel

Dear Mel,

"The love for a horse is just as complicated as the love for another human being...if you never love a horse, you will never understand."
~ Author Unknown


I, a fellow horse lover understand your plight, my suggestion is simple, wash your hands of these uncultured youths and buy another horse!

Aunty Aimee xxxx

Dear Aimee,

In my opinion given that there are only 8 notes in music, which form an 'octave' and because 8 x 8 = 64 there are only limited possibilites. Case proven I think.

yours Dr. Natty Inkspoon

Good try Natty,

Next time try to take into account the black notes, also have you thought about microtones? let me go in to a wee bit of detail for you.....

The vibrating and resonating parts of musical instruments (and almost everything else that makes sounds) don't produce sound waves of just one frequency. This is because the vibrating body ( e.g. string or air column) does not just vibrate as a whole; smaller sections vibrate as well. In the case of musical instruments, these additional frequencies are usually even multiples of the vibration frequency of the whole string, air column, bar, etc. For example, suppose you squeeze your accordion (the most sublime of all musical instruments) and press the key that lets the air out past a reed which, due to certain physical properties, vibrates 440 times per second. The vibrating reed will generate sound waves with a frequency of 440 Hz. (cycles per second), which happens to correspond to the A above Middle C. Because of other physical properties of the reed and the accordion, the instrument will also generate waves with a frequency of 880 Hz. (2 x 440), 1,320 Hz (3 x 440), 1,760 Hz. (4 x 440), etc. These extra frequencies are called overtones. Amazingly enough, when the overtones are close to even multiples of the fundamental frequency, our brains interpret the whole conglomeration of frequencies as a single pitch. Different instruments differ in the relative strengths of the various overtones, and that is what gives the instruments different timbres. This is also what makes your voice sound different from someone else's, even when you sing the exact same pitch. In the case of cymbals, gongs, snare drums, and the other indefinite-pitch percussion instruments, there are so many frequencies and overtones all at the same time that our brains don't pick out a definite pitch. You might notice, though, that the sound of a drum or woodblock can still be "higher" or "lower" than the sound of another.

I'm interested to hear your next valliant attempt
Yours Aunty (musical genious)Aimee xxx

Breaking News : Ade Admitted to Boob Asylum

After the various threats of legal action our lawyers advised us that the best course of action was to have the breast obsessed perpetrator (who we will refer to as Mr A to protect his identity) committed to a high security boob asylum. At around 8pm last night he was dragged kicking and screaming from his Wellington house and driven to said facility.

Preliminary psychiatric tests have shown him to be suffering from a boob obsession which stems from Mr A's wife's boobs having expanded considerably during her pregnancy. In order to protect Maria and the very existence of ie churnal they will be using a technique pioneered by Dr Anthony Burgess, Mr A will now be forced to watch videos of 50GG boobs bouncing and swinging for 20 hours a day with his eyes locked open the whole time. After 3 weeks we expect he will be completely recovered from his obsession and be able to fully integrate with society again.

Wendy's Fantastic Nature Facts

Eeeeee, ah can't believe that ah finally have me own column. Before ah get started ah'd like to thank Aden for showing me how to switch on this new fangled computer thing and how to use it's word processor doo-dah.

Anyway, back to me column. My first fact for you all is regarding the common or garden Mango. Up here in tropical Lypster you can hardly take two steps without coming across a tree fruiting with Mangos so unsurprisingly our diet consists primarily of them and the wonderful neep. A wee tip for you, neeps and mango mashed together make a fine cheap clapshot substitute if, like us, you find tatties hard to come by.

Eeeeee, am so excited ah forgot to tell you the most amazing thing... Ah was looking at a mango stone the other day and it seemed very familiar. Then in a blinding flash of back spasm ah realized what it was! It was a blooming cuttlefish bone like yon budgies gnaw on. Who would have thought that the mango was not a fruit at all but a flippin mollusc and close relative of the cuttlefish.

Ah can't wait to see our Mels face when she finds out ah've discovered a bigger animal than her, what do you all think ah should call it? Ah think a Wendyfish has quite a nice ring to it personally.

Joan's ballistic missiles

Grandma Joan has added her impressive twin airbags into proceedings following a recent spate of boobs related posts in the Ulpster Churnal. The following fake advert she has sent into the churnal resembles a dead heat in a zepplin race.

SOS

Hi everyone, Ade Here. I desperately need help.
On Friday I decided to brave the elements, and travel all the way to the shopping mall by myself. Well I'm pleased to say that it wasn't that difficult, I only had to ask directions thirteen times, which in retrospect should have been an omen, being Friday 13th! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I can't find my way home and I can't remember my address or telephone number. I can remember which hemisphere I'm in but it doesn't seem to help, when I ask the locals for directions home and tell them I live in the Southern hemisphere now I just get blank looks.

I'm really hungry now and need to get home quick, I'm sure Maria is missing me. So here's the part where you can help. I want everyone who knows where I live, and is in the vicinity of the shopping mall, (wish I could remember the name of the mall), to keep a sharp lookout for me so that you can point me in the right direction.

Jade's Boobs Revealed

The churnal office staff have gone boobs daft as they try to uncover the truth behind Jade's prize assets after provocative comments have been made in this very churnal by Jade herself. By her own admission these impressively large knockers are reputed to be 38 inch D cups.

Sponsored by the Sun newspaper and in association with the Chinese, British and New Zealand governments we finally think we may be able to reveal what Jade's bazongas look like having conducted an exhaustive investigation.

Churnal leader and timelord Tony explained, 'I have done extensive research including opening up a search engine which I cannot name due to legal reasons and then typing phrases like 'boobs' and 'baps' into the text entry box. When you hit enter google gives you millions of results, you can spend hours sifting through them all and building up a mental image of just what these knockers might look like.

When I get too tired to continue my investigation, Roy Anarchy continues until I wake up again in the morning next to Eswyl with no memory of the previous evening. Anyway the following image shows the fruits of my extensive labour. I am proud to annouce that here for the first time we reveal an impression of Jade's baps using information collected from all available sources....

Naked truth revealed

The Ulpster Churnal is proud to reveal this early image of our very own Aaron from his pre-spidey days. Before Aaron found fame as a wall crawling crime fighter he was just another wannabe like countless others. On his path towards fame he appeared in the hit reality TV show 'Big Brother' in the Eastern European country of Lithuania. In a desperate bid for stardom he exposed his rather pert looking man boobs. Little did he know at that time that this picture would one day come back to haunt him.

Enjoy!

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Did you know that worms taste nice?
I got the idea to try them out from my dad. He thinks I don't notice , but every time he feeds the frog he slips one into his mouth surreptitiously and enjoyment is etched on his face.

I've tried them raw and I've tried them heated gently on a radiator, both are equally delicious. I would like to try them fried in garlic butter with a dry Chablis but unfortunately I'm not allowed near the cooker, or the drinks cabinet. Perhaps Gus could include the recipe in his cookery column and give an indication of how good it tastes, mmmmmm.

Gus' Cookery World

Woooo its me! Hiya folks.

Hold on two ticks while I consult my new PDA for my latest recipe ...

Hang on a minute ...

Aw bastarding hell... wait a minute... the buttons are awfully fiddley, sorry I can't remember which one switches it on. Dam and blast it.... Oh there it is ... Shit its gone again. Ha ha ha ha... anyway you know what? It doesn't matter I'll just wing it.



So er first get your arse over to Alaska because there you will find amongst the vast ice flows and frozen tundra miles and miles of emptiness in a godforsaken land. This is what I did recently and it is sooo worth it. I spent days which blurred into weeks wandering the lonely, haunted terrain, completely alone except for my little Inuit hobbit 'Pete Tong'. As the northern lights danced around the skies at night I discovered my manhood and then almost died of starvation.

And then a new recipe finally came to me! Let me proudly announce in a loud and sort of gruff tone that this might be one of my own particular favorite recipes yet. And guess what? I'm going to share it with you you lucky little chutney ferrits.

'Seal surprise'

First you need to select your preferred kitchen utensils to prepare the food. You will need a large club or mace and a cheese grater.

Select a friendly seal which hasn't developed a fear of humans and attack it with the club or cheese grater. When I do this I go into a frenzy which I don't remember afterwards so don't be surprised if the same happens to you. When I gaze down at the corpse of the dumb animal I feel pangs of remorse and guilt and so hide the corpse under the snow making sure to remove all traces of the kill, its the same as the way squirrels bury acorns really. The neat thing about this is that the meat is then stored just as if its in a freezer and should keep really well. I had to leave the carcasses in situ this time, but as I said they should keep for a while, then you can make a nice stew or perhaps a roast and if you don't fancy using the seal meat you have prepared you can go and buy some chicken or beef to use instead. Mmmmm.

Shape Shifting, More Proof

Since we broke the story of shape shifters there has been an influx of interest in this phenomenon, it seems everyone has a tale about someone, or something, that has the ability to change shape. There is enough evidence now to report this as factual, probably. Here is more conclusive proof. It is unclear whether this is a young lady shifting her form to become a baby, or vice versa. What is not open to interpretation is the fact that shape shifting is a reality.

Shape-Shifters - Fact of Fiction?

Shape shifting in humans now possible in real life, another star trek prophecy fulfilled

Dr. Natty Inkspoon explained how shape shifting in humans has become a reality. "The thing is", he said,"it really hasn't just become a reality, it has actually always been possible, but people have been loathe to acknowledge it for fear of being branded a witch, or worse. There are many, many, many instances which have hitherto been put down to errors in perception , due to the extremely difficult task of getting hard evidence."

"Here, however, we have conclusive proof, this picture of a young girl was taken recently with the camera inadvertently switched to movie mode, the change was virtually imperceptible to the naked eye, but slowed down 100 times the shifting of the form can clearly be seen"

"To those people who are still sceptical I ask you to watch Star Trek, Season 4, episode 12 and then tell me you don't believe."

The Ulpster Open

At last the Final is upon us - Aaron versus Tony
Live commentary once again from Joan and Nims

Nims - You could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife today, in fact I wish someone would it stinks a bit in here.

Joan - Yes both finalists have been warming up backstage, which would account for the wiff. I notice you've let a few off too Nims, Don't think I didn't notice.

Nims - Ahem... oh here comes Aaron. He's first into the arena, he looks very focused and is muttering to himself... And now comes Tony, he's being quite literally dragged into the arena by Eswyl and Jonathon.

Joan - The referee today is Mel Sprite who lowers a white hanky signalling the start of the match. Straight away Tony squawks, "This room is an FF__" but before he has even finished uttering the words Aaron has guffed a stinkbomb into Tony's face. I think Aaron has done his homework on this opponent. That was some toxic release!

Nims - Meanwhile, Tony has let off a fart in return although I think that was in fright more than anything else but Aaron releases an amazing volley of well controlled and distinct farts and takes the first set, 6:1

Joan - Wait, don't speak too soon, the referee is waving her hanky around. Something has happened. There seems to be some confusion. I don't believe it she has given the first two sets to Tony!!! Apparently his pump consisted of at least 200 mini-pumps, enough to easily give him the first two sets. Tony is winning 6:1 6:love

Nims - Unbelievable! Now both players are facing off at the start of a tense third set. There is a moment of silence but suddenly Jonathon and Eswyl who are standing in the front row of the crowd start waving their hands in front of their faces saying 'poo' and looking pointedly in Tony's direction. The referee signals in Tony's favour, these shows of verbal disgust count as points. Meanwhile Aaron, who has let off another fine healthy fart gets a point deducted for farting before play has resumed.

Joan - Oh dear we don't need this a streaker has just ran across the auditorium letting off a fart of her own. In fact it is Aunty Aimee. Oh dear there's no need for this. The noble sport of Aussie rules tennis does not need to be degraded this way.

Nims- Well its just a bit of fun I'm sure. Look suddenly a wave of unforseen confidence has overcome Tony and he leaps towards Aaron like a ninja, releasing a tremendous burst of farts in the process. Quick as a flash Aaron retaliates with his own gaseous emissions. But the referee is waving her hanky. Tony has won!

No-one would have predicted this at the start of the tournament.
Tony is the Ulpster Open champion!

Aussie Rules Final will go ahead

Aussie Rules Tennis tournament 'The Ulpster Open 2007' has been under scrutiny following an astonishing series of attempts by one of the finalists to wriggle out of appearing in the final. Tony has publicly offered to withdraw on a few separate occasions claiming he actually lost his semi-final against Nick. However the rules clearly state that this is not the case.

"I can't understand this attitude!" said Joan yesterday, "I keep all my trophies proudly displayed in a box in my daughter's attic". Another former winner, Nickos echoed that sentiment when he told us he was proud of his achievements in farting and still hoped to win a few more times before he retires.

Aaron however was dismissive of these reports, "Its just pure gamesmanship", he told us, "that old bufty is trying to upset my preparations for this final, but it wont work. I've been eating spinach empanadillas by the dozen and will be ready for anything in this final."

Tony was unavailable for comment although people close to him have reported that he is in very good form just now.

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Hi everyone. I was very upset by some things said about me in the comments section of a recent Churnal column. Fortunately, while crying my eyes out I had a thought that put the whole episode into perspective.

People who get picked on or slagged off often take their frustrations out on people much smaller or less capable of defending themselves. I think it makes them feel that they are getting even, in a misguided two wrongs make a right sort of way.

Of course my first thought had been to go and bully my toy cat but then I thought, "No. I can stop this here". After all I was just a toddler when that picture was taken and if you can't make hair mistakes when you are two, then when can you?

Dear Aunty Aimee

Gosh I'm humbled to be here, all those votes have overwhelmed me. I like to think that life is like an octave with a little black note representing each problem and a nice elegant treble clef representing me, with maybe some semi-quavers sprinkled around depicting the chaos of modern society. So let me now sing and dance around your sad little problems with my beautiful melodies.

To help letters,

can you help my dad. when my dad turned 56 I would say oh look at that wrinkles he is overflowing with them I now he should get wrinkle cream but he'd need loads of the cream. He's like a wrinkly apple and he noes it.
--
Jonathan Fell

Yeeeesssss yeeesssss. MOISTURISE MOISTURISE MOISTURISE! that's what advertisingcampaigns would say. They would charge you £5.99 for a wrinkle cream that DOESN'T EVEN WORK!
My advice is to sit in the sun as much as possible...possibly even move to a hot counrty (with accssessable cheap flights for family). Whenever I sit in the sun I got all hot, sweaty, pink and naturally moisturised....always look great. Get him to move somewhere where he will look eternally young!

Dear so called 'Agony Aunt' Aimee

Congratulations on winning the vote you little shite. It shoud a been me. I voted for meself and give those twats a C90 of classic folk melodies. Ya baast

love Uncle Jim

Thank you so much for your 'bitter' sweet congratulations. Yes, you did vote for yourself, but if you had a bit of savvy you would have invested in an ebay style sniper...not that I did owt like that:) Also I heard your C90 and no offence, but it's shite, you sound like a girl.. and I am the music maestro!

Regards Aunty Aimee xxx
P.S Ha ha ha ha!

Dear Baeky,

Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?

Yours Sincerely

Travis

Firstly, It's AIMEE! AUNTY AIMEE! GET IT?!
and yes, I believe in Karma and Religion and Catholics and other spiritual things like that, so yes, it is because you lied when you were seventeen; and according to the catholic church you will have to explain yourself, naked! at Gods pearly gates....get thinking of excusses!

All the best Aunty Aimee xxx

Jello there,

My name is (oops, better keep this anonymous)
Better go, then.

Bye

This last email prompted me to make a small announcement regarding your mail to me. Anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.. Just tell me who you are and I promise I won't tell anyone else.. Honest...............it is better [and this is aimed at all readers] if you tell me who you are and include as many grusome details as possible. Not coz I'm nosey...just because it helps me help you
Help me to help you

Aunty Aimee XXX

Dear Aunty Aimee,

Heathcliffe won't let me into his window. What shall I do? Its rather cold in here.

Yours faithfully,

Katherine

Katherine, You've learned a hard lesson.... MEN ARE PIGS! All of them! Except for the ones I like. I suggest you buy a warm puffa jacket and get used to it. Warmest wishes, Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Tia Maria

I’m addicted to cable TV. I have been watching reruns of the crystal maze, friends and top gear for the past 3 weeks. I am only able to write this because the adverts are on. You’ve gotta help me! If I hear the theme tune to The Crystal Maze once more I will actually implode. I can’t tear myself away from it though. It calls to me!

Yours, in a state of square-eyedness

Matthew

This is a common problem with Geeks of your age group. Friends is cool...really cool, funny intelligent people watch that and Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City and Ugly Betty. But Top Gear and Crystal Maze? I have a quick fix for that one.Put on an eye mask, lie on the ground in a comfortable position and Imagine Richard O'Brien and Jeremy Clarkson dancing naked. That should put you off those crappy geeky shows.... Ironically the same therapy to put you off Crystal Maze and Top Gear increases addiction the the aformentioned cool programmes...funny that. Anyhoo See ya geeky pants

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I have written into numerous publications including the Sun and the Star asking for advice. Until now no-one has been able to answer the question I have. This whole thing has been causing me tremendous anxiety. Can you please tell me the bloody answer? Why can't people stop giving me the runaround? Aaaaargh!!!

Yours hopefully,

Essie Kay

Dear Essie,

Hmmm, that's a hard one, and very difficult to give you a clear answer on.. Here's a quote from William Ruskin regarding Wagner's music.... Of all the affected, sapless, soulless, beginningness, endless, topless, bottomless, topsiturviest, scrannel-pipiest, tongs and boniest doggerel of sounds I ever endured the deadliest of, that eternity of nothing was the deadliest -- as far as the sound went. Hope this makes you less anxious.

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee,

Did Tony and Ade enjoy their bottles of malt? And Aaron his meths filtered through a loaf of bread. Did Matty get enough cash?

Yours Jade

Sorry I don't know what you mean?

Aunty Aimeekins xxx

Uncle Jim Sings Like A Girl!

We thought that Uncle Jimmy was just laying low due to his disappointing Quarter Final defeat in the Ulpster Open but in actual fact he has been busy at work in his Caribbean recording studio.

Last night a jet-lagged, rum soaked Jim personally delivered a rather dog-eared C90 to the Churnal offices threatening to, "fuggin' trash the place if you don't add it to your stations playlist". All attempts to explain that we are not in fact a radio station failed and eventually he crawled off to sleep in the bath.

Now we at the Churnal like to think we are a fair lot so we gave his tape a listen and have to admit it is not half bad (though Jims voice does sound a bit like a girl's). Here is a link for you all to make your mind up for yourselves...

Click here to listen to Jim's tunes

Inquiry into Agony Aunt Vote rigging underway

One of the applicants for the vacant agony aunt position

Serious allegations of vote rigging are being investigated in our poll to determine the next agony aunt. The churnal views this matter very seriously and will probably not consider applicants who vote for themselves multiple times. Unless there is a persuasive reason to turn a blind eye. Tony and Ade are known to enjoy a bottle of malt for example, and Aaron quite likes Pims.

Oh and Matty says he would prefer cash.

The Ulpster Open Second Semi-Final

"Welcome back to the Ulpster Open Semi finals, with me Grandma Joan ex fart champion in 1947, 1954 and 1982, and Naomi to witness the second semi final of Nick versus Tony. The crowd have been riveted to the action as we now await the start of the second set. If you've just joined us Tony has won the first set! Here is Naomi to recap those events:"

Nims - "Thanks Grandma. Yes I can't recall a start to a match like this one before. As Tony marched into the arena he shouted in a very loud authoritative manner that this auditorium was now an F.F.Z.!!! Confusion ensued and whilst Nick consulted the match official to see what was going on Tony sneaked up and let off an almighty trump in Nick's face. Nick staggered around his eyes watering, repeatedly sneezing with the sulphurous fumes while Tony peppered him with yet more farts from close range.

Grandma - "Sorry to interrupt you but the second set is now under way and we can see yet more controversy as Tony has lain down on his back, his legs around his neck and lit a huge fart which has actually singed Nick's eyebrows, in fact the flames are now engulfing the hair on Nick's shoulders and back."

Nims - "This is incredible! This match has everything! But here comes Nick, he's running around the auditorium whilst emmiting one long pump, in fact he has now completed two laps and still pumping, this must beat his own world record!"

Joan - "Yes but it still only counts as one pump, whilst Tony with a look of intense concentration on his face has managed to eek out 3 pathetic little squeaks but they all count, and are enough for him to dramatically break serve and give him three match points."

Nims - "The tension is now unbearable, some of the people in the crowd are also pumping now, prompting the match official to call for silence... And so both players resume. Nick is first to break the stalemate with a healthy sounding pump, however Tony quick as a flash neutralizes it with some air freshener. "

Joan - "Nick is now arguing with the referee over the legality of Tony's air freshener move but Tony has played on! Tony releases an awful silent but violent pump into Nicks face. Nick is down on his knees coughing and spluttering, meanwhile the referee, holding a handkerchief to his face, has raised his hand signalling victory to Tony. "

Nims - "What an incredible victory. The first time Tony has beaten Nick competitively, and what a time to do it. Tony will now meet Aaron in the final of the Ulpster Open."

New Agony Aunt - Survey

As you may be aware, we've had to let Maria go due to her inconsiderately getting herself up the duff.

I feel I have to inform our readers that Maria took her dismissal from ie churnal very badly indeed. We bumped into each other in the library earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as chutney faggot boy, and mister idiot, which was very embarrassing. Don't ask what I was doing in New Zealand.

Free Online Surveys

Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endeavours.

But now we have to decide who fits the bill for the churnal agony aunt spot next? This is a crucial decision at the start of this new era for ie churnal. We have some strong applications after our recent advertisement let me tell you, including former Agony Aunts Baeky and Maria, not to mention Aimee the tin whistle flute-myster. So we've decided to let you, the readers make this decision for us

Tony

Churnal shop is now open

Over the past few months we have received literally hundreds of e-mails requesting Churnal merchandise, or more accurately Ade merchandise. The final straw was when Jade's ISP contacted us to ask if we would comply with her wishes as she was putting a strain on their mail server.

Announcing our summer collection....







A life-size, anatomically correct, blow up Ade doll.

Only £129.99 + p&p

An Ade, Ulpster Open Semi-Finalist 2007, commemorative garden gnome.

(Tip - place him beside your rose patch for that authentic Ade guff)

Only £9.99 + p&p















A Limited Edition, Ade on a Pole toy. Ideal for young uns.

(Warning, choking and toxic paint hazard)

Only £9.99 + p&p

BONUS – Free Churnal mobile phone theme for Sony Ericsson K750.
Click here to download.

The Ulpster Open First Semi-Final
Live Commentry today comes from Nims and Grandma Joan,

Nims - "So, here we are for what is anticipated to be an evenly matched contest between Aaron, who has specialized in eggy boffs throughout this tournament and Ade, who's farts are reputed to smell pleasantly of roses.

Joan - "Yes it seems like the whole population of Ulbster is in attendence and quite a few travelling from as far afield as Thrumster and Lypster too, all anticipating an exciting event. Presently the murmuring of the crowd quietens to an absolute hush as the match begins. I hand over to Naomi for the match commentary...."

"Thanks Grandma - Immediately Aaron signals his intent and squeaks out 3 rotten guffs in quick succession, with one more ripper it's first game to Spidey - 40: love. The second game goes much the same way as Spidey casually bends over, his arse only inches from Ade's face and squirts out one long fart which he eeks into 4 seperate pumps using exquisite control of his sphincter muscles. Ade's shouts of "Come on ref theres lumps in that" go ignored by the match official and Aaron wins the next game too. Spidey takes the first set 6 : love.

Nims: "As the players take a break after the first set I have to say Ade looks very uncomfortable today, I feel like Spidey's pumps may be too stinkey for him.

With the second set also going in Spidey's favour, it is not until the start of the third set Ade finally lets rip, a strong warm wind billows from his arse around the theatre blowing Aaron over so he tumbles backwards! What an amazing fart! It actually seems to have cleared away some of the lingering egginess too which I have to say is a relief.

"I haven't seen a fart like this since 1943" adds Grandma Joan.

Nims - " Yes but this only appears to have made Aaron even more determined, look at the expression on his face as he farts again and again and again. I bet Ade wishes he wasn't here at all. oh no in fact Ade is now retching quite violently and in fact it is over, Ade is now unfit to continue.

And so we now know the first finalist will be Aaron after this quite ruthless display. We now must wait to see if he will play Tony or Nick in the final.

Ade's £9,000 Drinks Bill

The Churnal was astounded to discover that Ade has been on a £9,000 drinking binge, although when confronted today, Ade refused to confirm this figure claiming that it had been vastly inflated.
"You beggars have rounded it up", he said angrily, "the sum is much closer to £8,999".

Justification

In an attempt to justify himself he then claimed that even if our figure was correct it was not an excessive amount. "If you consider I've been drinking for over 30 years it's not a lot per year, lots of people drink more than me. Anyway most of the money would have been spent on soft drinks, or bottled water as I'm a bit of a poser."

We then spoke to his cousin who confirmed that Ade did indeed drink regularly, "I think we all do said Spidey, after all I'm sure I read somewhere that the human body is a large percentage water, I think the figure is 99.99% probably so we need to replenish the liquid don't we?"

Stop Press
Sadly, we have just learned that Ade has refused to book himself into the Betty Ford Clinic.

Hataitai - The film they didn't want you to see

A i m e e ...
"I loved it so much I wet me pants a bit....aah did! x"

N a o m i ...
"I don't want to visit you anymore.... I'm scared."

Y o u t u b e ...
Rejected (terms of use violation)

T o n y ...
"I was touching cloth while I watched it"

N i c k ...
"I wasn't scared"

HATAITAI

Starring Vince the cat

With guest appearances from

Dan McFarr
Beck Mc Spiz
Marieta Carnivore Montangne
&
Ade

New Scientific Breakthrough

The Churnal is proud to have this exclusive report before any of the national newspapers. Time travel has been discovered, you may scoff but we have the facts.

Our reporter spent many hours tracking down this immense story, interviewing many of the local residents in and around Ulpster, in the main, they totally denied any knowledge whatsoever. To our reporter this only served to increase his determination to proceed as he knew with a degree of certainty that denials are almost always designed to throw people off the scent.

The discoverer of time travel was finally tracked down to Glasgow, a city near Ulpster, but he has asked for his identity not to be revealed yet. Spidey explained how his time machine operated, though he refused to explain how it actually worked, citing commercial reasons.
"At the moment, the machine can only move into the future which restricts it's use somewhat, but I am confident that pretty soon I will perfect it so that I can go back in time too, which will certainly increase its maketability"
"My time machine is upstairs", he enthused, "I regularly use it to step into the future."

Again citing commercial reasons he would not say how he had built the machine, saying only that he did not manufacture it himself, but had purchased it from Slumberland. "I usually set the timer for about 8 hours and enter the King Size Time Machine. Almost immediately the alarm would go off and amazingly I would be 8 hours in the future, most of the time I would be in the following day."

Conclusive Proof

Here is a picture of an anonymous person holding
two newspapers, you will notice one is dated 16th (when he entered the time machine), the other is dated 17th (when he emerged from the time machine). I think you will find this conclusive proof of the existance of time travel.

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

I was recently mulling over one of children's great unanswered questions, namely, where do grown-ups keep disappearing to? It used to happen quite regularly to me when I was younger, grown-ups would come right up to you, say the magic word "Heidi", wave their hands and bam! disappear into thin air, only to magically re-appear moments later with the magic word "peep-oh" Where on earth do they go? do they move into a sideways parallel world briefly? or into an alternative dimension? or is it some sort of hypnotism? I think it's high time we kids were told