Newsflash - Musical Genius Discovered

In a house in Bower (near Ulpster) our very own Gus (of Cookery Tips fame) came across a feline of such musical talent that on seeing her play an original piece on the piano he was moved to comment, “I’ve waited all my life to see that!”

Jonathan, explained that Gizmo had been playing the piano for several months and at first he had thought she was hitting random notes, as if walking across the keys. It was when he recognised two notes from the tune ‘London’s Burning’ that he realised it was much more than that. After listening very closely to another of Gizmo’s recitals he was sure that it contained almost all of the notes of a very well known classical tune ‘Fur Elise, although not in quite the right order’. “She seems to have a penchant for Beethoven”, laughed Jonathan.

Have a good one readers!!!

Aaron's underpants column

Hi readers, after the startling success of my first column 'Aarons world' in which I explained the joys of closets and how much fun they are to come out of. I've decided to up the stakes yet further with what may be the naughtiest article of the churnal yet if you know what I mean? (wink)

Before I go rummaging around in my underwear drawer to see what I can find, its traditional that I quote a song lyric which sums up my column. This week I'm going for an old classic by Def Leppard - "Pour some sugar on me, ooooo in the name of love, Pour some sugar on me. I'm hot sticky sweet from my head hey head to my feet yeah" Actually its not really got much to do with my article (fnarr fnarr) but it has got everything to do with being an ace song. Though Bon Jovi are still the best. Not only that but I've probably now put the song in your head, which was my intention.

But as usual I'm digressing from the main point here which is underwear this week. Now when you think of y-fronts you probably think of pishy stains and skid marks and all that, but before you all laugh let me just say, Y-fronts are coming back in.

...

I can tell by the silence that you are shocked but it is true. In fact I've given them a credible 6 on my Aaron-in-ometer this week. They do have to have some form of amusing print on them though other wise they are like no way dude and crash down around your ankles, figuratively speaking.

Ooops darn it, I've only gone and run out of time and I was going to tell you all about some lovely little briefs I saw lately, full of class in which there was an elephants face and you put your 'hoo hoo' in the trunk (tee hee), I have to get a pair of those. See you next year and I'll tell you more about whats 'in' and whats 'out' with my fabulous patented Aaron-in-ometer.



Merry Christmas

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Nick. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect my credibility, yer nah. Why man, your reporter failed to mention salient facts that would affect my abilty to fight such as the well documented "Inky Big Toe", and also that at the time I was suffering from severe chafing of the thighs. There was also no mention of the knuckle dusters used by my opponent.......err, just remembered I used the Knuckle dusters, forget I mentioned that. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts, hinny.

Yours, Uncle Jimmy

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.


Dear Sir,
Why oh why do so many complaints letters begin with the phrase "Why oh why"? Don't people realise that using the same phrase over and over again just devalues it? Why oh why can't they think of an alternative?

Yours, A. Knuss

Why oh why does this upset you? - Ed.


Dear Sir,
I was shocked and stunned to hear of Baekys withdrawl from the pages of the Churnal, especially as I had already twice asked for an answer to a particularly intriguing question. Is it possible you may be able to give the answer I crave?

Yours, Essie Kye.

Well Essie I am not qualfied to answer your question I'm afraid. however, I do have good news as we have a replacement for Baeky lined up. Do you speak Spanish? - Ed.

Dear Churnal,

I've decided to write a song especially for your readers. So without further ado, ah one ah two ah one two three four ...

Plocton Plocton Plocton
dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy do
Plocton diddy dum diddy Plocton diddy poo

I wonder if Simon Cowell will be impressed. Can you ensure he reads this please?

Regards, Aimee.

P.S Hi Simon how's life ? remember me from Pop idol ? Aims X

Thank you for your submission Aimee, it sure is a catchy tune. I happen to know Simon reads the Churnal every day ... probably. - Ed.



Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Jimmy. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect his credibility. In no way was he fighting like a little girl, it defies credibility, he's almost 6 feet tall, much more like a big girl. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts.

Yours, Uncle Nick.

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers. I promised in my last column that I would have tales of a more exotic nature and let me tell you now, you will not be disappointed. Having spent the past week watching the 'Discovery Channel' from my bed (thanks to another bloody spider bite), I became enchanted with the idea of visiting the Far East.

This trip was a biggie and needed some major preparation so I took the phone off the hook, closed all the curtains and started planning. I chose a yellow sun-like sticker and placed it on the kitchen table beside my travel map, awaiting my return. With regards to clothing, I knew that the Far East has monsoons so my green wellington boots were a must, along with my scotch-guarded brown cords and my trusty cagoule.

At 5pm I left the house and made the epic fifteen meter trip to the top of my street. Suddenly my blood ran cold. I could hear the Green Cross Code Man's warnings echoing around my head, “...don't cross the road at a corner, find a safe place... don't cross the road on a corner, find a....”, I grabbed my phone and dialled Maria. Would you believe it? I'd forgotten to hang the phone up before I left the house! With no way of getting help and too far into my adventure to turn back, I took a deep breath... it was time for me to become a man!

glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal

I found a safe spot between two parked cars, counted to three and ran into the road with my arms flailing above my head. What a feeling it was getting to the opposite pavement, there were cars beeping encouragement and everything, nothing could stop me now. I rounded the corner and made my way up the street until I was standing outside the Far East Chinese take-away. My heart sank as I tried the door and found it locked. Slumping to the ground I buried my head in my hands. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of something out the corner of my eye, it was amazing, a miracle! Just two doors down from the Far East, glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal Indian take-away.

Inside it was even more impressive than it had looked on the telly and the service couldn't have been better. I ordered my chips and chose the home delivery option. After 10 minutes my chips were ready and the nice delivery man came to take me home. My best adventure yet and the icing on the cake was being able to add not just one, but two new stickers to my map.

Ade x.

Tales of the 60's

Timelord Tony here once again. I guess that now seems like as good a time as any to share some more of my fond reminiscences of the 60's, a golden era which will never be repeated, I don't care how many mind altering substances you take, such as er? whats that stuff called again? ... Nutmeg. And banana skins etc, I always say if you can't remember the '60s it means you were there and I can't remember ANY of it let me tell you. So why not roll yourself a nice fat banana skin reefer, sit back, put the tv on mute send the kids to bed and read some more of my amazing tales of the 60's.

I think my first concious thoughts after the hangover of the 1960's began to occur in the early 198o's. As I slowly regained cognitave awareness imagine my surprise to discover I was now married with two children and exiled in the north of Scotland. However it wasn't all bad because I also discovered I had bought myself an 8 colour, 48K sinclair spectrum with sound, in the intervening years. Not only that but it had speech too, on the game splat.

At around this time I got addicted to the game that was a forerunner of Grand Theft Auto, it was called 'manic miner'. In this game you have to jump around a whopping 20 caverns collecting jewels and keys and shite like that that these mining automatons have been making for like millenia and stuff.

Well I am proud to announce I have finally managed to get to 'the cold room' level, which I achieved last night at around 4am using an infinite lives poke. This herculean feat was achieved after 24 years of intense gaming. My son Jonathon helped too with the bit about how to jump over the bush. I may decide to share my knowledge of how to achieve this amazing feat in a future entry so stay posted.

A Warning To All Parents

We at ie Ulpster Churnal have come into possession of a shocking advert which has been in underground circulation for the past two years. It's sole aim is to get our babies hooked on a substance being used by more and more kids every day. Recent research has astonishingly shown that around 100% of babies have tried it and perhaps more disturbingly, the majority are using daily.

The video begins by showing the preparation, administration and consumption of the what we at ie Churnal have christened 'baby opium' or 'B.O.' for short. The baby is shown restlessly shifting around, waiting for it's 'fix'. Then, reminiscent of the film 'Trainspotting', the final scene shows the baby blissed out and barely conscious lying on the floor with an empty bottle beside him. A message then flashes up encouraging youngsters to join in the fun.

Please parents, don't let your kids succumb to this evil. We recommend stew, lemonade or a drop of booze for your newborns. Together we can beat this B.O. problem....

Fight outside local kebab shop (cont)

Hi readers, its Aaron here ready to continue my honest account of the amazing fight I was lucky enough to witness recently, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim. I left off previously at a point where Uncle Nick was clinging around Uncle Jim's waist like a vicious Koala bear. Meanwhile Uncle Jimmy was staggering around causing the crowd to part in front of him as he lurched here and there.

It appeared that Jimmy was struggling with something in his hand, which I then saw was a pint of beer he was finishing off and must have taken out of the pub with him earlier. Finally he swigged down the last few dregs of beer, smashed the glass down on the pavement and then roared again, 'come aaan then ya baaastaaaaaahd!' and started blindly swinging his fists around but only connecting with air.

Jim then seemed to realise that his tormentor was actually clinging around his waist and not standing in front of him and aimed a punch directly at Uncle Nick's head. Unfortunately for Jim, Uncle Nick managed to dodge the punch which landed directly on Jim's own stomach. Groaning in agony Jim doubled up, at which point Uncle Nick finally released his grip and kicked Jimmy square in the shin.

Ever the sportsman, Uncle Nick then stood back to allow Uncle Jim time to regain his composure, which only took a few seconds. Jimmy lurched forwards and with amazing speed and accuracy managed to land a punch square on the side of Nick's head. For a moment Nick's knees wobbled and his eyes glazed over but he was able to recover quickly and land his own punch directly on Jimmy's groin. Uncle Jimmy squealed in agony and lashed out with a kick which connected beautifully with Uncle Nick's shin but the pain in Jim's groin from the hit he had taken previously was still causing him immense pain. Uncle Nick sensed his chance for victory and ducking and weaving landed a couple more straight jabs again to Jim's groin. This was too much for Jim who crumpled up in a heap clutching his crown jewels and moaning softly.

To be honest I was a bit disgusted by the way Jim had behaved in this fight, my suspicions appeared to be confirmed that he was a dirty fighter who fights like a girl, I went over to congratulate Nick who as always had behaved impeccably and bought him a pint to celebrate his impressive victory.

See part 1 here

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Around this time of the year it's easy to get carried away with the commercialism of Christmas but just recently I have had cause to re-evaluate my own thoughts on the matter. My Auntie Aimee took me to watch a play the other evening and the star of the show did amazingly well in spite of being visually disadvantaged. Everyone else in the audience was able to see the baddy and warn with a shout "He's behind you", but the star insisted on arguing with the audience by shouting "Oh no he's not!" As you can imagine, this drove us in the audience into a frenzy and quite spoiled my evening out.
So, my pearl of wisdom for this article is, You have to feel sorry for those with a disability.

Ade's Philosophy Column

René Descarte should be credited with the resulting path of philosophy towards the modern radical doubt ridden philosophies held my many today. Startling words you may say, but hear me out, his "I think, therefore I am" was a precursor to modern Universities, "I drink, therefore I am", pragmatism's lurch to, "I'm pink, therefore I am", and the onward rush towards "I think I am, therefore I am, I think". Though trite in the extreme, these and similar phrases have come to dominate the structured philosophy of a certain culture, and also by myself as a late convert to his metaphysical style.

Descarte was the first philosopher to point out that distant objects appeared smaller than they really were. Until this point convention thought was that distant objects actually were smaller.

Descarte was at first a mathematician, like me. Secondly he had an intense interest in physics, like me, and thirdly, like me, he published many of his theories in Latin. It appears we have more in common than a huge intellect, many would go as far to say that he was one of the two most important men in the history of philosophy, modesty forbids me to mention the other .... ahem!

Ade x

Controversy over new cafe at e' top o' Whaligoe

Locals are up in arms over the decision of the Highlands and Islands Cafe Culture Department's decision to allow the naming of the new cafe at Ulpster, 'The Chocolate Starfish'.

"Its as if they have no idea what a chocolate starfish is or what it means", exclaimed Lobsterman Davie, shaking his head in disbelief, 'they might as well call it the hairy brown star for all the difference it makes!', he added. When pressed for an alternative Davie looked thoughtful for a few moments and then suggested, "What about something like, I dunno, the 'chutney ferrit on the cliffs' or something like that, more appropriate like?"

However it seems local opinion was divided on the issue, Gary Clerk (41) told us, 'Yeah I'm all for it it's wicked isn't it, I can't wait to have a latte at the chocolate starfish when it opens' though I preferred, the 'rusty sheriff's badge cafe' personally. I hear they do fudge cake aswell" he told us, "I can't wait to do some serious fudge packing".

Friarday and Saraday, two of the local horses where unavailable for comment however Prins, speaking through a horse psychologist told us he might go despite the name, if they have some good hay available.

Place your bet now

Family celebrities; retired agony aunt Beck and ex policeman Dan McFarr are often in the news with increasing speculation on the name that will finally be chosen for their first baby.

Online bookmakers 'Ladibrokes' are quoting the following odds on the name of the McFarr baby which is due any day now. Although medical opinion says the baby will be a boy, Ladibrokes are still taking bets on girls names too after Grandma Joan saw the bump and pronounced the baby to be a girl.

So here are the odds, the overwhelming favourite name quoted at 2:1 is 'Metadata'. This is reputedly because Dan favours having a studious child. The current name 'Lykergus' is an outside choice at odds of 8:1 and you can get odds of 16:1 for Becks old favourite 'Vim'. With odds of 100:1 is 'David' which might be worth a punt as Beck's brother used to be a fan of David Banner in the Incredible Hulk TV series. For a girls name the favourite is 'Xena Warrior Princess McFarr' at odds of 25:1.

Fight outside local kebab shop

By sheer good fortune, ie ulpster churnal has been lucky enough to witness an actual fight which happened late last night, outside the local kebab shop. One of our reporters, Aaron, happened to be walking past at the time and witnessed a crowd of people cheering as they looked on at some sort of scene developing in front of them. Of course our reporter's natural instinct was to run over there and push his way right to the front of the crowd, to see what all the fuss was about. This is what Aaron witnessed.

“I saw immediately that this looked like a real situation developing, you could sense it in the air like elecricity. But the thing that made me dizzy with shock was the realisation that I recognized one of the people involved! It was none other than Uncle Nick. He was raising both his hands in the air in a gesture of conciliation, and saying 'I don't want any trouble' but meanwhile advancing on the other figure, who had his back to me. As Nick reached the other figure he suddenly leapt up in the air. Almost in the style of a movie like the matrix, he appeared to pause in mid air momentarily before regaining momentum and landing on the other figure and clinging around his waist, using both arms and legs to hold on.

The other figure roared, 'aaal hav ye owt ye li'le baast' and spun around trying to shake off Uncle Nick, which was when the realisation hit me like a hammer. The other figure was none other than Uncle Jimmy! This was unbeleivable, Uncle Nick versus Uncle Jim, surely one of the best fights I could have dreamt of! Without being sure where my loyalties should lie I decided to either cheer them both on or goad either one of them as seemed appropriate at any given moment. I couldn't help but almost salivate at the prospect of what was to come, I had always imagined that Nick would be a fair fighter, in the mould of Queensbury Rules, whereas Jim would probably come out biting and pulling hair. But would this be the case? I couldn't wait to find out.

continued ...

Leona's 21st Birthday Extravaganza

Last week saw one of the parties of the century as Leona Wilton celebrated her 21st birthday in style. The secretarial tycoon pulled out all the stops to firmly cement her position in the family A-list. That is no mean feat when you consider legendary get-togethers of the past including Grandma Joan's 72 hour non-stop rave buffet, Jim's Egyptian-Fest complete with 10 foot beer pyramid and Linden's "pool + pease pudding = jacuzzi" party.

The long deserted Kyleburn sweet factory just south of Ulpster was a rather strange choice of venue though the reasoning behind it would become clear. Buses had been laid on for the 50-odd guests and we arrived, ready to party, at seven o'clock sharp. It was dim and eerily quiet and had it not been for the signs directing us to the main entrance we might have thought we were at the wrong place.

Inside was a table opulently laden with glasses of Crystal champagne and a notice telling us to take one and make our way to the main hall. Nervously, we filed into the pitch dark of the hall where we waited with baited breath. The most we were expecting was for the lights to come on and balloons to float down but what actually happened was simply breathtaking.

The skylight swung open, pyrotechnics flashed and Leona gently descended, holding what we assumed to be a bunch of balloons. Everyone gasped as they realised the bundle of strings Leona held was not attached to balloons at all but to six enormous seagulls! Touching down to rapturous applause she released the gulls, which flew back out of the skylight to return moments later.... each bearing an Oompa Loompa!

Needless to say much singing and dancing ensued while the Oompa Loompas fired up the old sweet making equipment, whipping up a feast of fantastic confectionery. My personal favourite has to be the Never Ending Boozy Bubblegum that has kept me tiddly for almost a week now. It will certainly take a lot to top this birthday bash.

Newsflash

Today is a sad day for ie ulpster churnal, we've discovered that Baeky has resigned from her post as resident agony aunt her last post will be her last. Apparently no-one told her we were looking for a replacement to cover her maternity leave and she has taken it quite badly. We bumped into each other in the supermarket earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as bum bandit and chutney ferrit, which was quite embarassing. Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endevours. And now we can welcome our new agony aunt, Maria, who's jugs though not as impressive as some applicants seem to fit the bill anyway.

So this week is the start of a new era in ie churnal sees me as the undisputed leader, now that Baeky has gone, and I vow to steer ie churnal in a new direction, one which according to my vision will see our number of readers double - to two (assuming Jade keeps reading and we manage to find another reader).

Tony

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Imagine how silly I felt when I saw my letter printed on your pages and realised that in my excitement I had forgotten to actually outline the question that has intrigued me for years. I would still be very grateful for a real answer and not the supposedly humerous one liner you provided, please give it some serious thought,

Yours, Essie Kye


Sorry Essie, the anser has now changed to 43 - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there life on other worlds? Does god exist? Why are space-hoppers so named? Please answer promptly or else.

Yours Stephen Hawking


The difficult question here is the third and I'm very tempted to answer it with another question, but I'll resist the temptation and just say How Hi is a Chinaman. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Yeah I've always wanted to know why space-hoppers are so named too? Please say you'll tell us,

Yours Steven Dick Felt

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave just a short while ago. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

We of the secret space hopping society and interglactic warfare tribunal forbid you to say anything you think you know about space-hoppers.

Yours General Natty of the imperial star-fleet


You can't stop me thinking about anything I know about space-hoppers, what you really need to worry about are those people who can read thoughts - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Tell us about space-hoppers or me and my colleagues at Oxford University will rubbish your work and discredit you, and that is only the beginning,

Yours Stevie Hawkings


Very well, I know for a fact that space hoppers are very eco-friendly and as such are used by several flaky groups as their primary means of transport. In fact the so called Imperial Star-fleet would cease to function without them as both members would be unable to reach their meetings. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

We are warning you for the last time don't mention nothing about space hoppers,

General Natty

One more word from you and I'll fix you with a steely glance that will have you quaking in your wellies - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Do it.

Yours Stevie Dick Felt

Done it - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there liiiife on maaaaaars oh yeah ?

Mr. Bowie

And he was all right, the song went on forever - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

AAAaam sick of those horses deficating all over Ulbster aaah wish someone would invent a cork stoppa , signed the rabbits of Ulbster Liberation front.


There's a surprise, Ive just had a letter from the horses of the Ulpster Liberation Front saying much the same thing only the words horses and rabbits were transposed. (incidentally, you've spelled Ulpster wrong). - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

It is agony when I try to bend my fingers really far back. I also have a
sensation of immense pain. When I bend them so far that I hear cracking
noises and see the joints forming unnatural looking shapes I feel like
I'm going to puke and get dizzy. I'm not double jointed or anything. Is
this normal?

Yours Auntie Eva


No, not normal at all. I can recommend a very good book called "Flexibility, and how to achieve it." In the meantime I would continue trying your exercises. Doctor Aden assures me that as long as you don't pass out its safe. - Baeky

SITUATIONS VACANT

Typographer
Applicants for the above post must be proficient in Tasword for the 128k Spectrum. Consideration may be given to an applicant with a working knowledge of Notepad, in which case training will be provided. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ1


Agony Aunt
This post is for a 3 month contract to cover maternity leave. Applicants need to be able to read and write. Flexible hours. Pay nada, non negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ2


Sports Editor
Applicants for this post should have an extensive knowledge of Kick Off 2, and Football Manager (Kevin Toms version). Some knowledge of Match Point (48k) and own Spectrum would be an advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ3


Personnel Manager
This post requires someone proficient with the 128k Spectrum. Knowledge of Tas Database 48k or 16k would be a distinct advantage. Flexible hours. Pay negotiable.
Apply to the Ulpster Churnal email address marked for the attention of the Personnel Manager and quoting reference UJ4

Advanced Physics with Morna

I'm delighted to have you all back and hungry for knowledge. As promised last week, this lesson will be taken by none other than our very own world renowned, in-house, doctor about the house... Dr Natty Inkspoon! Well, that's me off to shave my legs and pamper myself silly for the afternoon, so without further ado here's Nat. Mmmmmwah!

Ay oop lads n' lasses! We'll be finishing off your virtual degree coursework today as well as demonstrating real world applications for your new found skills. For those of you that don't know already, I am currently researching molecular rheology of branched polymer melts and computational fluid dynamics at the Tom Jones School of Mathematics.

My research may sound complicated but it's really just a fancy way of saying that I melt plastic into machines. The truth is, very little has changed since that fateful day when I set my Bobafett Star Wars figure on top of my ZX Spectrum's power supply. The stream of plastic which flowed from said power supply onto and into my beloved Speccy was devastating at the time. However, thanks to our old friend chaos theory two chains of events began which lead me to where I am today.

The first chain, after weeks of chaotic weeping and stomping around, culminated in me getting a vastly superior Atari ST to replace my knackered Spectrum. The second started as a way of keeping up with the latest developments in computer technology and culminated in this excellent career I have. Whenever I got bored with a computer or a newer model came out I'd simply place a Star Wars figure on the keyboard and set light to it. I grew to love everything about melting plastic into machines, the smell, the sound, the very sight itself. I began opening up the computers afterwards to study how the plastic had flowed around the components and find out exactly why it had caused the computer to fail. It really is fascinating stuff.

As I said earlier, I essentially do the same now, only on a much bigger scale. For example, I lived it laaaaarge in Holland for a couple of years employed by a major chemicals company. It culminated in me getting a lorry load of cheerleader's pom-poms (plastic of course) and melting them into the mechanism of an enormous power generating windmill. The results were spectacular and a complete success. We conclusively proved that it was indeed a bad idea to melt so much plastic into the mechanism of such a machine. Thanks to our research the windmill industry has saved itself millions of pounds by not initiating a program of branched polymer mechanism seizing melts.

Anyway, that's the pub opening now so you can leave early. Congratulations on the completion of your degree. To obtain your certificate send a £50 cheque to Ie Churnal made out to - Churnal Arts Science Honours or since that is a bit of a mouthful just put C.A.S.H.

Last one to the pub is a rotten egg....