Further explorations of the central cavern

Happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday spec-trum,
happy birthday sinclair spectrum 48k,
happy birthday to you.

Hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip hooray,

hip hip HURRAH!!!! :o) :o) :o)

Shite man 25 years today! bloody hell! I actually feel quite emotional, the speccy is now another year older. 25 friggin years, like woah man. Now lets get one thing clear, I am proud of the speccy, its much much better than the commodore 64 and the Amstrad put together. Lets here it for the speccy. yay!!!!!

So, the central cavern once more. Its been a while, please accept my most humble apologies for not erm finishing the thing until now. My judgment has been a bit clouded after too much of the old oregano on my spaghetti if you follow me ;-)

By now you should now be able to jump over that yellow thing on the conveyor belt. The thing with a trumpet sort of thing on its head and teeth in its belly. How the fuck did Matthew Smith dream up such a horrific demon I'll never know.

Follow this exactly to the letter. IT IS CRUCIAL I KID YOU NOT. keep jumping up until you are on the top level. Now press 'right' and keep it pressed while also pressing 'jump' and keeping it pressed, this will cause you to repeatedly jump. This might sound crazy because along this top platform are all manor of spikes and deadly bushes, quicksand and shite. But if you trusted me and did exactly as I said you'll jump under and around and thus avoid all that danger and also collect all the keys. Its amazing, the first time I did it my heart was racing so much I thought it would beat out of my chest. Then my hands got clammy and I almost fainted.

Next time I'll tell you how to get back down to the exit and beyond ...

Jonathan's Jottings

The world is stuck with thieves and it's all because of Adam and eve because eve said to Adam eat one apple so he did it and god saw him and god made an odor now that 's why there are thieves in the city's of new York and Glasgow but it's life and some people go and macke krime's the world is not safe!.

Brazilian Breakthrough in Fruit Talks

Kissenger talks - Churnal Update.

Talks appeared to have stalled between the Chinese and New Zealand authorities. Several alternative names for the fruit had been discounted for various reasons. New Zealand objected to the name "Yang-tao" on the grounds that the name sounded too Chinese, whilst the Chinese in turn objected to "Actinidia deliciosa" as it sounded too Latin.

A visiting delegation from Brazil intervened and after having their initial suggestion of "Pele-Berryfruit" discounted managed to get both sides to agree to a compromise solution.

New Zealand spokesperson Ade enthused, " it was a masterstroke, we have been in a negotiating cul-de-sac for weeks, it just needed someone neutral, not like that Kissenger fellow, to help us see the answer, it was staring us in the face."

The Churnal can exclusively reveal that the fruit will be marketed by New Zealand growers as the Kiwi Fruit, and by the Chinese growers as the Chinese Gooseberry. This has been a triumph of international cooperation.

New species of turtle spotted

Scientists are baffled by a rare sea turtle which has been spotted swimming in the atlantic ocean off the coast of Scotland. It is unusual to see these marine reptiles in UK waters which normally prefer to frequent warmer tropical seas. However this one seems to have taken up residence here and locals have even given it the affectionate nickname of 'Nessie the second'. It seems to spend a lot of its time in the waters just offshore of Glasgow.

Naturalist Mel Sprite is of the opinion this may even be a new species of turtle. "It would be easy to identify this as a loggerhead turtle which it resembles in size and colour. However if you look closely at its facial features you can see slight differences between this specimen and other loggerheads yer knaa. It exhibits an unusual range of almost human like behaviours including winking, raising its eyebrows and smiling. This behaviour has never been documented in any species of turtle before, to my knowledge."

Eminent scientist Natty Inkspoon agreed, adding ' to me it looks quite familiar, like that funny flying creature Watto, on the phantom menace, except with fins not wings of course.' he said earlier. 'At first I thought this may be a fake image, doctored using photoshop software, but an extensive analysis of the image has proved it is definitely genuine"

Jonathan's Jottings

The English language is a funny thing, the same word seems to mean different things in different contexts. For instance, I've been called a wee boy and I've been called a big boy, by the same person, are we to infer from this that the two words are interchangeable. The evidence would suggest this but it gets worse. In addition to being called a wee boy, I've been asked if I want a wee. Now I know what a wee is so why am I being called a wee, it's all very confusing.

Some words just don't seem to add up, I have heard people describe the same amount of money as "a lot" or, conversely "a little". And this doesn't only apply to money, a person who has had a lot to drink has been described as "having too much" or "having a little too much" The list of anomalies View Blog goes on and on, why can't people just stick to words which are not open to misinterpretation such as, a mickle, a muckle or a puckle? At least then we know where we stand.

Seamus's Apple Report

Right! This is getting personal. When the Apple Lady came today I had a quick look at the bag the apples came in (for my report, you understand) and the writing on the bag said "Everyday". I checked my diary and two days last week I didn't get an apple, so where did they go? I'm furious, she's lucky I had no applicants for her post or she'd be out on her ear. I'm so angry I can hardly tell you about the quality of the apples which was actually rather good, but I tell you she's on her last warning!

Kissinger to head Arbitration Panel?

Negotiations between the authorities from New Zealand and China over the naming of an obscure fruit have been proving extremely difficult. However it seems there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

New Zealand spokesman Ade explained, "The two sides are now extremely close to an agreement with a new name Chiwi emerging as the likely winner. Unfortunately, as usual there is a stumbling block, namely the pronounciation, with the Chinese insisting its pronounced Chy-Wee, whilst we New Zealanders are backing Chee-Wee, in fact we would accept nothing less."

Under prompting from the Churnal, the two sides have agreed to put the matter to an arbitration panel, led by ace negotiator Henry Kissinger ... probably!

The Churnal undertakes to keep the readers fully informed over these delicate talks.

OBESITY - Some Myths Exploded

Fact or Fiction? We explore some common misconceptions and attempt to put the record straight.

1. Obesity is to some degree hereditary.
This I'm afraid is Fact. Yet another member of the Fell family has been diagnosed in the last month. Little Giants partner Jac had made the trip to the doctor complaining of tiredness and feeling bloated. The doctors comments had stunned Jac and she complained to Ian that she didn't want to get fat. Ian had seemed very pleased, presumably as it would take the attention away from his own severe weight problem.

2. Poor diet and lack of exercise are a prime cause of obesity.
Total Fiction. Even with a reasonable diet, if you have too much exercise the females are prone to this condition. You may therefore eat as many take-aways as you want, do very little exercise and any weight gain you suffer will probably be slower than had you eaten a good diet and taken lots of exercise.

3. It's almost impossible to lose the weight gained.
This also is Fiction. Of the cases diagnosed in the Fell family, Morna and Becky have already experienced a dramatic loss of weight and Maria and Jac will have an excellent chance of doing the same. With good timing a loss of 6 to 8 lbs can be almost instantaneous with an even greater loss at a slower rate.

Unfortunately the males do not experience the dramatic initial loss, so Little Giant may find it a little harder to lose the weight.

Yours, Dr. Linz