An exclusive interview with Mel Sprite Bsc Hons - Part 1

It is over 10 years since the last interview Melanie Sprite gave, which was shown live on channel 4 in the UK. Despite the constant clamour from the public to know more about this extraordinary person, Mel has shunned the spotlight preferring to live a quiet life on her country estate in the middle of a magical forest in Ulpster. Now we are truly privileged to bring a rare, new interview with the world renowned naturalist, Mel Sprite exclusive to our readers. Here is part one of our interview.

Churnal: What has made you decide to come back into the public eye after such a long time away?

Mel: Well, when I was a eager student in me younger days, I was intent on becoming the worlds leading authority in tardigrades. They are those little bloody animals that live in moss and in between grains of sand ye knaa? Anyway, I had this dream of discovering a new one which would be resistant to all forms of disease and which I planned to cross breed with higher forms of life such as woodlice from the group Isopoda and ultimately with mankind, ye knaa and cure diseases and that.

Churnal: I see, er did you make any progress in this noble aim?

Mel: Sorry ah just realised I didn't answer your question. Eee sorry about that, ah'd say purple like heather in summer is me favorite colour man hinny.

Churnal: I see thank you. Can you continue telling us about tardigrades?

Mel: No a divvent think theres much more yardage in that suffice to say that it didn't work out in the end man, most of the subjects that ah cross-bred died within a couple of hours. I decided to abandon that research and focus on the oriditus alpinus beetle which I'm sure you've heard of. I discovered the oriditus alpinus beetle in a loch in Caithness. I was diving down to a depth of about 40m doing a routine hunt for fauna and using all the skills I learned at Thurso sub aqua, when I first saw it. I instantly recognised that it must be new to science, as it loomed up through the muddy, murky water towards me. You see beetles known before then had neva been discovad at such great depths cos they need ta breath just like you or I man. Also its geet like massive? Its like a yard in length, with jaws like pincers that can cut through butter when its hard like straight out the fridge, not when its melted a bit.

Churnal: Gosh what happened then?

Mel: Nothin much really, ah fought with it until ah was almost out of air. It was trying to bite the air tubes connecting my mouth to the scuba equipment and almost succeeded except that ah managed to grab hold of its jaws with my hands and force it to keep its mandibles open. In the struggle ah dropped me flashlight and had to continue grappling this murderous beast in the pitch black murky scottish waters. It was using all six of its legs to kick me, as we all know, the legs of insects and myriapods are uniramous. Of course the mesofemur is the femur of the second pair of legs, and the protarsus is the tarsus of the first pair of legs.

Churnal: Well we know that you survived because you are here today...

Mel:No it got me good and proper like, eventually ah think it came down to who had the greater will to survive me or it. The oriditus alpinus eventually became weakened and ah was able to grip it tight to me body in a bear hug and kick me way back to the surface. The only problem was in the dark ah didn't know which way was up, it was quite a predicament. But ah found me way in the end, cos am here now aren't ah?

Churnal: Yes indeed you are

Mel:Why aye. And that was how a made me name. After that it was easy to get sponsorship for further expeditions into the lochs of the Caithness flow country. You wouldn't believe some of the hazards ah had to face from water scorpions and carnivorous plants that actually eat flesh. They live in the bottomless sphagnum bogs up near ie hill fort. But thats another story for another day.

Churnal: Thank you

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers, I'm back with some more travel tales that'll blow your mind and turn you green with envy. I would have written a column before now but around a month ago I caught a nasty tropical bug whilst out exploring. A week after my trip to the supermarket I was still buzzing and eager to add more stickers to my travel map. The only thing for it was to plan an even more daring expedition into the very heart of the urban jungle... the town centre! Days of preparation ensued and eventually I was ready to go. I had my maroon cagoule, my lime bum-bag and my hi-tec silver shadow hiking boots. I even ate an aspirin before I left, just in case I came across any malaria ridden midges.

The trip into town went very well. My only concern had been which way to go at the bottom of my street. I knew that I had to turn either left or right, but which way was it? My entire adventure depended on this decision. Against all the odds I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow explorer who could help me with my predicament. Some confusion arose when it transpired that the right direction was left. I thought that the right way would always be right but incredibly it seems not to be the case. After rephrasing the directions a few times the nice gentleman eventually took me by the shoulders, turned me round and with a gentle shove I was on my way.

It wasn't long before the first shops came into view and minutes of trekking later I arrived at the legendary pedestrianised precinct. My heart was pounding so hard with all the excitement that I honestly thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I think the only thing that stopped it from doing so was the dawning realisation that I really needed a number 2.

The excitement quickly turned to blind panic so I did what I always do in these situations and phoned my wife Maria. As usual she was fantastic and thanks to her calmly given directions I was at a public toilet in no time. I don't need to go into details regarding my sending of brown trout back to the sea but when I was finished things took a turn for the worse.

I couldn't leave the toilet and felt dizzy any time I even thought about leaving. My first thoughts were that I'd caught something nasty from the toilet seat so I called Maria again. She was there in five minutes to take me home and when we got back she put me to bed where I remained for close to a month.

The doctor diagnosed the bug as agoraphobia so it seems that it was a toilet spider biting me that caused my illness. I'm just glad I took that aspirin before I left or it could have been fatal. The good news is that I'm all better now and back adventuring so check back soon for tales of my trips to ever more exotic locations.

Ade x

Jade our first fan?

We at ie ulpster churnal prefer to report on the news as it happens out there in the real world rather than have the news happening to us. But recently this cosy understanding has been turned on its head as we have been targeted by the attentions of ex uk big brother contestant Jade.

Some of our more observant readers may have noticed comments sprinkled around our blog left by this very same Jade, and on the surface many of these comments are seemingly quite flattering or at least encouraging, however this is only part of the story.

Previously a dental nurse, Jade came to public attention in 2002 when she was a contestant in the third series of Big Brother. Since then, Jade appears almost constantly in celebrity, trivia, and gossip-oriented magazines such as heat and OK! magazine.

But there is another side to this minor celebrity, a side which until now has escaped the public eye. Our suspicions were first aroused when comments from Jade, which we quickly deleted, appeared on this very churnal. These comments provided hyperlinks to websites offering services such as increasing the size of your binjey using herbal products or obtaining fake university diplomas.

Alarmed by this turn of events we hired a top private investigator and IT security analyst, Maria Carnivore Montangne to find out more. What our investigator found went further than we feared even in our wildest nightmares. Maria explains, "I suspected that this could be an example of phishing on the internet, I innocently followed some of these links and quickly found that I was required to key my credit card details. Imagine my surprise when my binjey subsequently remained as it always was"

What happens next sounds unbelievable but is actually true. We found that the comments left by Jade also installed software in the computer after you had read them (a bit like when you play a Sony CD on your computer) This software installed components allowing Jade to monitor our bank accounts, transferring money into her own account and even giving her the ability to watch our every move as we cooked, ate and slept, via our webcams which now had backdoor access granted exclusively to her.

Using the very latest version of HTML technology, XML. Jade was able to push this even further and actually create an interface to her own mind and plug herself directly into the internet, causing the whole internet to become concious. In this way she has gained control over one and all of us, this includes the leaders of countries such as Korea and the USA the results are terrifying indeed.

However please do not be unduly alarmed, Maria Carnivore Montange has this advice. "To get rid of this software installed by Jade, simply ensure that your anti-virus software is up top date and give your computer a good reboot, Adios and remember surf save ;-)

Jade is out there. Be warned.

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,
I have been struggling to find someone qualified to answer a question that has been tormenting me for years. I believe finally my quest is at an end and you are that person. I would be extremely grateful for an answer.
Yours, Essie Kye

Thank you for your letter Essie, the answer you seek is 42. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

As a postman wannabe I usually pay close attention to people's letterboxes. I thought I'd seen it all but today takes the biscuit. The letterbox at this one house I saw had a sign saying, 'no circulars'! When I looked closely at the letterbox, it was a standard rectangular shape! I had to laugh, I mean duh talk about stating the obvious.

Yours Aaron Hulk, the incredible

Well I have to agree with you Aaron but, and this is a big butt, you should be aware that the new european standard shape for a circle is actually a rectangle. - Baeky.

Dear Baeky,

My real problem is an allergy to brocolli, what should I do? It makes my skin go green and my trousers get ripped and torn.

Yours Aaron the impaler

Try coating them in something to disguise them, you could for instance coat them in breadcrumbs or a banana skin - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I know this may sound like the ravings of a paranoid lunatic. I am a law abiding citizen but constantly live in fear of the law. They are after me I tell you, I see signs everywhere saying I will be prosecuted. What am I supposed to have done? Why must I live in fear? Please help.

Yours Bill Poster

Bill, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've been growing an amber crystal on my arm for several days now. Shall I eat it?

Naomi

Naomi, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Gus' Cookery Tips

You know when you've been drinking slightly beer-heavy shandies all evening and suddenly you go into munchie overdrive?

Chortle... Snort.... HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oops, the ed told me to cut out the rhetorical question stuff after the last entry. Snigger... I just couldn't help myself. Heh, heh.

Okay, deep breaths, compose yourself Gus. Right, as I was saying, these late night munchie sessions can be a haven for creative culinary discoveries and I'm going to share with you some of my finest moments.

First off, to set the scene for taste sensation number one, I love biscuits. When I was a young lad and my mum went out I'd be straight in about the food cupboard. A biscuit eating frenzy would ensue until the the whole packet was finished. I'd have to go out to buy a new packet and then eat one biscuit from it. That way I could tell my mum that I'd had a biscuit while she was out. Anyway, on with the recipes...

Taste sensation number one....

Get yourself one glass of strawberry flavoured milk. I use a powder that has a cartoon rabbit on the box because I like to imagine I'm drinking rabbits. Next get yourself some cream crackers and dunk them into the pink milk. Devour the dunked cracker and like magic your mouth is filled with the flavour of those pink wafer biscuits from your childhood.

Taste sensation number two...

For this you will need some cheddar cheese, a bowl and a microwave. I call it a cheese crunch. Grate or crumble enough cheese to cover the bottom of the bowl well. Stick it into the microwave on high for a couple of minutes till it goes hard and crunchy with just a touch of chewiness in the middle. Scoff it down as is and you won't be disappointed though personally I like a wee dab of mustard on mine.

Finally, taste sensation number three...

Get yourself a packet of Super Noodles. Before you open it break it up a little bit, I tend to aim for between 8 & 12 pieces. Next get the flavour sachet. Open it and the noodles packet, pour exactly one third of the flavouring into the noodles. Hold the noodle packet closed and shake vigorously for a minute or so. Now eat the noodles as if they were a packet of crisps... Scrumptious!

Till next time readers... munch on!

Advanced Physics with Morna

Welcome back, it's lovely to see you all again. This week we will be discussing 'chaos theory'. It is an advanced topic but once again I'll be teaching it in a way that even the thickos will be able to grasp.

Chaos theory can be used to mathematically describe many seemingly random events such as weather patterns, plate tectonics, population growth and butterfly induced hurricanes. Yes, you read that right, hurricanes are generally started by a rare brazillian butterfly commonly known as the 'Lorenz Butterfly'. Though seldom seen in the wild they have been extensively modelled using supercomputers. If they get angered by say, some of their rain forest getting chopped down then one beat of their wings can set about a chain of events that culminates in a devastating hurricane.

But that is the abstract. Here is the science, pay attention girls. When you are out shopping at say, Monsoon, and you find a fabulous top reduced to £3.99 in the sale. It may seem like an amazing bargain but you never factored in chaos theory did you? After the buzz of the purchase has subsided and your heart has slowed back down to it's base level again, you start thinking, "hmm I don't have a skirt to go with this". One skirt later and your thinking, "I don't really have shoes to go with this outfit". A chain of events is set in motion which predictably ends in a whole new outfit complete with matching accessories. Suddenly you've spent £76 and all because of that £3.99 bargain.

And that darlings, is chaos theory in a nutshell. A random event in finding a sale item, the chain of other apparently random purchases and the complete outfit materialising from that random chaos. I have to say I just adore chaos theory.

This lesson takes you to roughly the start of your honours year. Next week I have a special surprise for you. To take you through your honours year and beyond I am delighted to announce that Dr Physics himself, our very own science expert Nat will be taking the lesson. Hurry back now, I know Nat is almost wetting himself with anticipation. Mmmmmwah.

Strange Sightings over Ulpster

For as long as any of the local residents can remember there have been long instances of weird lights appearing at indeterminate times over the skies of Ulpster.

One resident, teacher Mrs M. Sprite (62) was able to confirm these reports first hand saying, "Many of us believe they are extra terrestrial, and just hope that they are not part of a vast invasion fleet as there are literally hundreds of sightings. Others suggest that they are part of Government secret experiments, while a tiny minority think they are a natural phenomenon ... hah!"

When asked how often they appeared, Mrs Sprite said, "Every day! - and more and more frequently. I've been keeping a log and in June they hardly appeared at all, and then only very late at night. At the moment they are there more often than not, sometimes appearing as early as late afternoon and not vanishing until 7am. It's very worrying, it's as if they are getting closer!"

Mrs Sprite became very animated, saying, "Very infrequently you will see a light travel across the sky at breakneck speed before disappearing, but usually they just sit there, the intensity of the light often subtly fluctuating, I think the scientific term is twinkling."

Our own scientific team of Ade (Astrophysicist), and Nat (Star Wars aficionado) concur. "This does not sound natural at all", they agreed.


Artists impression of light phenomenon.

Lindsay's Lunchbox Review

The other night I was lying in bed just about to drift off to sleep when I was alerted by a rustling sound under the covers. I glanced over at my husband Mark as the noise was coming from his direction, and although it was quite dark I could make out a tent shape in the duvet cover where he was lying. Obviously I assumed he must you know, have got his lunch box out for a midnight snack or something, maybe he had some leftovers under there, a sandwich or chicken-leg perhaps?

But it got me to thinking about all the other lunchboxes I've seen over the years. As I lay there, the sweat glistening on my skin, I recalled the olympics of 1988 when Linford Christie shone like a polished apple. Even now, I can still recall with incredible detail the entire contents of Linford's lunchbox and the shape of it down to the minutest detail including the length and girth too. It certainly was a most impressive lunch box as I think you'll agree when we take a look.
As I lay there thinking about lunchboxes I became kind of fidgety, so as I tossed and turned in my bed, I diverted myself by recalling many other fine examples of celebrity lunchboxes too. The time I was invited as a guest at Arsenal football club was very memorable. Vavavoom! The footballers wives and I all gazed jealously at Thiery Henry's lunchbox in the Arsenal changing room at half time. What happened next was amazing, he took it out in front of everyone and just started there and then. I felt really lucky when he offered me a bit too. His lunchbox turned out to be a fairly standard shape I would say, possibly a little bigger than average at a push.


One of the most surprising lunchboxes has to be Ewan McGregor's, the actor. It is actually bright pink! I mean can you imagine that? Once one gets past the colour though it turns out to be a rather impressive and sleekly designed lunchbox. It is certainly up there in the lunchbox elite and quite renowned in acting circles as he takes it out on most of his shoots. Ewan has a rather odd tendency to wrap all his bits in cling film which I find strangely charming albiet unecessary with a lunchbox like his one.


Well I hope you've enjoyed my lunch box review, next time I'll tell you all about my fascinating collection of toe nail clippings.

Ciau ciau

L x

Letters to the Editor

Sir,
A word of warning to your readers regarding Ade's tip on telling right from left. I myself thought I could improve on his tip and tied a bit of string to the steering wheel of my car. I found that when I turned the wheel, to navigate a corner for instance, I got a false string reading and ended up hoplessly lost.
Yours Nikos

Nikos, you should have stuck with the tip as described, there are no short cuts. However, in an emergency the following tip has got me out of many a tight spot. Always turn towards the sun, that way you are always turning right, probably. (Note, this is only good for datytime). - Ed

Dear Sir,
Why is it that you have to read each separate article in this blog backwards, but the actual article forwards? It's doing my head in.
Yours Mr W.W. Dubbleyew

Well W, it's to help those in the other hemisphere to make sense of the stories, whichever hemisphere you are reading this in I can assure you it's more logical in the other. - Ed

Sir,
I never tie string around any of my wrists, ankles or other bodily extremities (except for one) and yet 50% of the times I guess the way to go I get it 100% right ;-)
Regards,
Michael De Candlestick

Hmm 50% of the time I guess the way to go I get it wrong 100% of the time, I suppose we should get together. - Ed

Dear Baeky,
I often find that my letters and emails get sent to the wrong recipient. Is this the fault of the USA government or maybe irresponsible hackers could be responsible? I wish that whoever is responsible can be punished please. I authorise you to do the necessary. Please delete this email once you have read and understood it.
Yours Sincerely,
Nick Buttros Dickos

I can see what your problem is, you are forgetting to put a postage stamp on your emails. Routers have feelings too and when you forget a detail like this they tend to spit the dummy out and route them incorrectly - Ed

Sir,
I wish to apply for the post of secretary at ie churnal offices, please note that I have big jugs is this an advantage? Pic enclosed.
Yours
Eswyl

I'm sorry, whan you can qualify your jugs with a valuation we will look again at your application. - Ed

Uncle Jonathan's Jottings

A tip fore yew all.
If eye had a sun eye wood want two share this tip with him, so eye have decided to share it with everyone.

Eye have found that yew don't actually knead to learn how two spell. All yew knead is a computer with a spell chequer. It will automatically show yew any errors, and can correct them. Do knot ask me wear yew can get a computer, eye have tolled yew enough too get bye with, the rest is up two yew.

Earth Shattering Discovery In Ulpster

After flooding of biblical proportion, one of the most important finds in recorded history has taken place at Ulpster. A local man has discovered what appears to be an ancient time-hole revealed by the receding waters.

Seepage worker Gus Sprite stumbled upon the remarkable anomaly whilst he was in his field checking for flood damage to his trees. In an interview with our resident roving science expert Dr Natty Inkspoon he said, “One minute I was checking to see if my trees had got wet and the next I was staring into a hole like no other I had seen before. It was so dark and mysterious, I knew straight away that it must have been supernatural or extraterrestrial or... something”. With a wry smile he continued, “The clincher was when Chaimig (local socialite and television personality) came cycling past. Unable to take his eyes off the hole I was dancing and whooping around, he came crashing off his bike, landing painfully in a crumpled heap. As far as I'm concerned it was the hole's powers that made it happen. Chaimig thinks so too and has sworn not to ride his bike again until the mysterious hole has been destroyed”.

Dr Natty Inkspoon specialises in these sorts of anomalies and was naturally dubious of such an incredible claim. For his Phd he wrote a thesis on time-holes and how they could not possibly exist because at no point are they mentioned in the Star Wars films. He went straight for the jugular and asked "What is it that makes this hole you speak of, a time-hole?".

Again a confidence spread over Gus' face, "I think that the merry jig it made me dance and making Chaimig fall off his bike is proof enough but there was more... It seemed to tinker with the very fabric of time itself!". After an ominous pause he elaborated, "I mean, I've chucked stones in there that have never come back out and when I went home to get my tea I was well late. I must have lost at least five minutes of my life to that dreadful hole, five minutes that I'll never get back". Gus let out an audible sigh and stared into space for a while only to perk up again when he remembered the final piece of evidence, "Oh Yeah, there was all that stuff I mentioned before and the rabbit shit all round the entrance, loads of it. I think the little beggars have been getting sucked into another time or dimension... or something. They must have been literally shitting themselves with fear as it happened".

For poor Natty this proof was the final straw. His belief in all things Star Wars, the cornerstone of his research, had been turned on it's head. Was it Star Trek that was showing the way all along? He pulled out his pipe, took a couple of puffs and trudged off into the sunset.

Ades Philosophy Column

In this article I would like to try and reach some of those readers who usually just skip over the Philosophy Col.

First, put the thought that I am a world renowned Philosopher to the back of your mind. Try and imagine I am just an ordinary person like you. This is a technique devised by yours truly to ensure readers are not overwhelmed by the sheer magnitued of my thought processes.

To put it another way, here I am, brain the size of a planet and expected to communicate with mere mortals, it's not an easy task, a bit like trying to teach an ant the times tables (and that's ant, not aunt).

Anyway, a conundrum that has interested Philosophers for years is the old optimist/pessimist view of a glass containing 50% liquid. The question, is the glass half empty or half full, some would say that both views are right but I can assure you that the problem is in fact the size of the glass. A smaller glass would give the much more simple, empty or full answer to the question and in this case only one of the answers would be right.

Now the doubters may say that the conundrum remains as you could drink half of the liquid in the smaller sized glass and be left with exactly the same descriptions. This is a pragmatist view which is totally alien to this philosopher and in any case my answer would once again be that the problem is still with the size of the glass.

So I hope this has given you something to ponder upon, and would welcome any correspondence from you lesser people so that I can keep you straight. Send your emails to ulpsterchurnal@googlemail.com marked for the attention of Ade

Ade x

Gold Medal Hoax

The Churnal can exclusively reveal that Mrs Spirits claim that her daughter had won a gold medal was in fact untrue.

When our reporter Ade confronted Mrs Spirit with the news she was at first dismissive, saying. "Eeee, yah bliddy littul liar, I nevah said it was gold, I said it was old." Our reporter pointed out that he had an email with "gold" typed on it from Mrs Spirit in which she openly admitted that the medal was not gold. Mrs Spirit became very aggressive and threatened our reporter, "I kna where yah live, yah bliddy[EXPLITIVE], If my husband Gus wasn't still away searching for the Faraway Tree you'd be bliddy for it!" Then her face contorted and she screamed having bitten her tongue.

Our reporter than asked Gus who was in the same room for a more balanced point of view, but he replied "No habla Espanyol", which was funny as our reporter was speaking English.

Aaron's World

To start my very first column I want to quote from the King, 'a little less conversation a little more action please'. I think that sums up what my column is about quite well, ie action packed adventure with new and exciting goss but none of that ridiculous and factually inaccurate nonsense you read so much of on the internet. Yes I am going to tell all you fashion heads about Linux this week and believe me, many people don't even know what Linux is so let me explain.

Out of the closet

Imagine you have a supermodel on the cat-walk like say Cindy Crawford. Now picture Kate Moss too. It doesn't matter what clothes they are modelling, what is important is that you view Cindy Crawford as an old style operating system like Windows Vista and Kate Moss, who is going out with Pete Doherty, is Linux. I have to come out of the closet just now and admit that I am just crazy about Linux. It is still underground but will soon be 'in' big time. So lets take Cindy and Kate and see what lies under their clothes so to speak as we examine the engine that drives their respective operating systems.

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty

Imagine Kate wants to tell you all about her vital statistics such as bra size, how many toes she has etc. In computer terminology we would refer to this as her 'objects'. Well that principle is the same with Linux. Now imagine that every time you ask Cindy her cup size and other vital statistics she hits you with her handbag but still lets you surf the net and cool stuff like that, well darlings, that is Windows. And that is the difference in a nutshell, not just in operating systems but also in all walks of life. But lets face it there are times when you are interested in a womans cup size which Linux offers.

Brad still wants Jen, latest goss

But how does this relate to Brangelina? Well it doesn't really, but you could imagine Brangelina as the look and feel of the operating system. Incidently maybe I should stop just now for those who don't know about computers and elaborate so that you'll understand this next example, Brangelina equals Bradd Pitt + Angelina Jolie. Quite simple really. So imagine that Brad had stayed with Jenifer, that would be a bit like the standard windows task bar, on the bottom of the screen with a start button on the left. But what if you put the task bar on the top of the screen instead, it would be totally different, and instead of a start button you had an applications menu. Well it would be as different as Bragelina is from Brad and Jen if you see what I mean.

Well I certainly hope this has helped a few Linux wannabes pluck up the courage to jump on right in and try it and a few maybe a few Linux gurus will come out of the closet with me.

Aaron

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Gold Medal for Ulpster

In the most important global-interworld taikwondo competition of the last century, our very own Naomi Spuzzit has come out on top with the gold medal.

On her way to victory she defeated her first opponent, 'Sub Zero' in only 23 seconds by somersaulting over his icy projectiles and kicking him to the head. In an amazingly arrogant display of audacity, Naomi chatted to her friend on a mobile phone throughout the entire match. Naomi followed this first success with similarly quick victories over Rayden and Scorpian before defeating Goro a huge 8 armed monster in the final.

farted during one high kick

Naomi first rose to prominence in Ulpster as an aggressive, young layabout who would somersault out from behind the bus shelter at ie old postoffice and kick the living shit out of whoever was passing by - usually Chessie or Chamig. Many of us still remember these times with dread as we recall the times we ourselves were beaten up and mugged. Thankfully, finally she was discovered by Grand Master Ling who was able to channel her aggression more constructively through this special form of Taikwondo.

it smelled of eggs

"I saw in her great potential to harm others", explains Master Ling, "Observe on this slow motion video how she aims a kick directly at the head of this young 14 year old white belt. Here she almost knocks her head clean off! If I pause the video here you can see the blood beginning to erupt outwards which becomes a fountain as I hit the frame advance a few times, and now you see this poor little victim er girl beginning to fall backwards and hit the floor, here. If I now press rewind, we can see it all again except this time in reverse. I find it incredible how technology enables us to see such things", he continued, "See how now it all happens again when I hit the play button like this ..."

furiously attacked a plank of wood

Master Ling generously gave us even more of his time for a further demonstration of the talents of his top student, Naomi. Holding up a thick plank of wood he blew on a whistle. "Kill" instructed Master Ling in a loud and commanding tone. From nowhere, Naomi came rushing in like a tornado and furiously attacked the plank of wood with a junior hacksaw. Snarling, she began to saw the wood clean in two, shrieking furiously whenever the saw jammed in the wood. Finally about 10 minutes later, she stood triumphantly in a small pile of sawdust holding up the two newly halved pieces of wood above her head.

So where does Naomi want to go next? We asked her this question after her famous victory over Goro. "Bring on that ponce Natty", she roared, "Lets see how his poncy art of Ikea'do copes with my devastating power". We at ie churnal await Natty's response to this challenge eagerly.

Whacky Tony

Hi its me whacky Tony. Yes I'm back already! Not for a full article just now though. Don't worry I can assure you I do have countless tales of the 60's and beyond still to come. Really I just want to set the record straight on something that has been bugging me since I published my first article. I want to be real clear about this. I think Liverpool are the spawn of Satan! OK, got that into your head? Sorry if I mislead you in the last article. I did used to support Liverpool ages ago in the 1980's and again briefly in 2005. Since then I have been a Manchester United fan. Well until a couple of years ago, now I think Manchester United are the spawn of Satan aswell. I am a blue like my son Aaron, except in his case he supports Rangers not Chelsea. Chelsea for the cup!

Ades Philosophy Column

Immanual Kant has been described by many to be one of the most important philosophers .. ever! However, he was described by such notable luminaries as the Pythons as "A real piss-ant, who was very rarely stable"

There has been a raging debate among the philosopher fraternity as to the accuracy of the Pythons assessment. Eminent philosopher Dr. A. Nuss went as far as to suggest that it was entirely inappropriate for the Pythons to make this correlation, especially, as he pointed out that they had also inferred that, Plato drank half a crate of whisky every day.

My own views were summed up very nicely by Vicky Pollard who said, "Yeah, but, no but, yeah, no, anyway nobody believes anything they say cos they're all sluts who drink and take drugs and anyway they only say it cos they think its cool and everything!"

Ade x

Ade's 5 Point Plan to Becoming a New Man

This is for all the blokes so you chicks can bugger off right now!!! Are they gone yet? Good. Right lads here we go. We all know it's tough being a bloke these days with feminism infecting all aspects of life. I mean a guy can't even flick through his copy of 'Womens Realm' anymore without stumbling upon article after article about how to snare a New Man. To be perfectly honest I think these new men are a bit poncy and soft but lets face it, we need birds to do some stuff that we can't do ourselves, like... you know... erm... washing clothes and nagging and so forth. With this in mind I have devised a 5 point plan to help us blokes grab the woman of our dreams with minimal pain and confusion.

1) Women love buftys, so the first step to new man-dom is simply to mince around and be bitchy when talking about other women.

2) One thing you can never under estimate is how much a clean toilet turns on the fairer sex. Luckily keeping it clean does not have to mean loo brushes and bleach. Remember we have our own in built power washers, so if you see a skiddy mark on the side of the bog just aim your tadger at it and pish the stain away. Voila!

3) The ladies go ga-ga for a six-pack stomach and with practice this should easily be attainable, you may even enjoy yourself. I suggest starting with two to three cans of beer over the course of an evening until you build your tolerance up. Within months you'll be necking a six pack per night with ease and you stomach will blossom.

4) A New Man absolutely has to be able to cook. I know, I know... the only cooking a guy should have to do is microwaving yesterdays take-away for breakfast but it's not all bad. I was in the supermarket the other day and found some excellent gourmet cuisine. One is a cup of noodles that is as easy to cook as making yourself a cup of coffee and you don't even have to dirty a plate. There is also a foreign sounding company that makes 57 (yes 57!) different meals. They are slightly more complex to prepare as you have to get them out of the sealed tin that they come in, use a pan to cook them in and use a plate or bowl to eat them from but they truly are of restaurant quality and will have your bit of crumpet coming back for more, time and time again.

5) When it comes down to it the only thing a piece of skirt is interested in is willy size. Unless, like me, you already have a garter snake in your pants I suggest one of my patented 'Steam Powered Penistretch 2000' machines. Available now for only $99.99 exclusively from www.penistretch2000.nz Stocks are limited so order now to avoid disappointment.

Good luck lads, though if you follow my plan you won't need it.

Ade x