Shape Shifting, More Proof

Since we broke the story of shape shifters there has been an influx of interest in this phenomenon, it seems everyone has a tale about someone, or something, that has the ability to change shape. There is enough evidence now to report this as factual, probably. Here is more conclusive proof. It is unclear whether this is a young lady shifting her form to become a baby, or vice versa. What is not open to interpretation is the fact that shape shifting is a reality.

Shape-Shifters - Fact of Fiction?

Shape shifting in humans now possible in real life, another star trek prophecy fulfilled

Dr. Natty Inkspoon explained how shape shifting in humans has become a reality. "The thing is", he said,"it really hasn't just become a reality, it has actually always been possible, but people have been loathe to acknowledge it for fear of being branded a witch, or worse. There are many, many, many instances which have hitherto been put down to errors in perception , due to the extremely difficult task of getting hard evidence."

"Here, however, we have conclusive proof, this picture of a young girl was taken recently with the camera inadvertently switched to movie mode, the change was virtually imperceptible to the naked eye, but slowed down 100 times the shifting of the form can clearly be seen"

"To those people who are still sceptical I ask you to watch Star Trek, Season 4, episode 12 and then tell me you don't believe."

The Ulpster Open

At last the Final is upon us - Aaron versus Tony
Live commentary once again from Joan and Nims

Nims - You could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife today, in fact I wish someone would it stinks a bit in here.

Joan - Yes both finalists have been warming up backstage, which would account for the wiff. I notice you've let a few off too Nims, Don't think I didn't notice.

Nims - Ahem... oh here comes Aaron. He's first into the arena, he looks very focused and is muttering to himself... And now comes Tony, he's being quite literally dragged into the arena by Eswyl and Jonathon.

Joan - The referee today is Mel Sprite who lowers a white hanky signalling the start of the match. Straight away Tony squawks, "This room is an FF__" but before he has even finished uttering the words Aaron has guffed a stinkbomb into Tony's face. I think Aaron has done his homework on this opponent. That was some toxic release!

Nims - Meanwhile, Tony has let off a fart in return although I think that was in fright more than anything else but Aaron releases an amazing volley of well controlled and distinct farts and takes the first set, 6:1

Joan - Wait, don't speak too soon, the referee is waving her hanky around. Something has happened. There seems to be some confusion. I don't believe it she has given the first two sets to Tony!!! Apparently his pump consisted of at least 200 mini-pumps, enough to easily give him the first two sets. Tony is winning 6:1 6:love

Nims - Unbelievable! Now both players are facing off at the start of a tense third set. There is a moment of silence but suddenly Jonathon and Eswyl who are standing in the front row of the crowd start waving their hands in front of their faces saying 'poo' and looking pointedly in Tony's direction. The referee signals in Tony's favour, these shows of verbal disgust count as points. Meanwhile Aaron, who has let off another fine healthy fart gets a point deducted for farting before play has resumed.

Joan - Oh dear we don't need this a streaker has just ran across the auditorium letting off a fart of her own. In fact it is Aunty Aimee. Oh dear there's no need for this. The noble sport of Aussie rules tennis does not need to be degraded this way.

Nims- Well its just a bit of fun I'm sure. Look suddenly a wave of unforseen confidence has overcome Tony and he leaps towards Aaron like a ninja, releasing a tremendous burst of farts in the process. Quick as a flash Aaron retaliates with his own gaseous emissions. But the referee is waving her hanky. Tony has won!

No-one would have predicted this at the start of the tournament.
Tony is the Ulpster Open champion!

Aussie Rules Final will go ahead

Aussie Rules Tennis tournament 'The Ulpster Open 2007' has been under scrutiny following an astonishing series of attempts by one of the finalists to wriggle out of appearing in the final. Tony has publicly offered to withdraw on a few separate occasions claiming he actually lost his semi-final against Nick. However the rules clearly state that this is not the case.

"I can't understand this attitude!" said Joan yesterday, "I keep all my trophies proudly displayed in a box in my daughter's attic". Another former winner, Nickos echoed that sentiment when he told us he was proud of his achievements in farting and still hoped to win a few more times before he retires.

Aaron however was dismissive of these reports, "Its just pure gamesmanship", he told us, "that old bufty is trying to upset my preparations for this final, but it wont work. I've been eating spinach empanadillas by the dozen and will be ready for anything in this final."

Tony was unavailable for comment although people close to him have reported that he is in very good form just now.

Aden's Pearls of Wisdom

Hi everyone. I was very upset by some things said about me in the comments section of a recent Churnal column. Fortunately, while crying my eyes out I had a thought that put the whole episode into perspective.

People who get picked on or slagged off often take their frustrations out on people much smaller or less capable of defending themselves. I think it makes them feel that they are getting even, in a misguided two wrongs make a right sort of way.

Of course my first thought had been to go and bully my toy cat but then I thought, "No. I can stop this here". After all I was just a toddler when that picture was taken and if you can't make hair mistakes when you are two, then when can you?

Dear Aunty Aimee

Gosh I'm humbled to be here, all those votes have overwhelmed me. I like to think that life is like an octave with a little black note representing each problem and a nice elegant treble clef representing me, with maybe some semi-quavers sprinkled around depicting the chaos of modern society. So let me now sing and dance around your sad little problems with my beautiful melodies.

To help letters,

can you help my dad. when my dad turned 56 I would say oh look at that wrinkles he is overflowing with them I now he should get wrinkle cream but he'd need loads of the cream. He's like a wrinkly apple and he noes it.
--
Jonathan Fell

Yeeeesssss yeeesssss. MOISTURISE MOISTURISE MOISTURISE! that's what advertisingcampaigns would say. They would charge you £5.99 for a wrinkle cream that DOESN'T EVEN WORK!
My advice is to sit in the sun as much as possible...possibly even move to a hot counrty (with accssessable cheap flights for family). Whenever I sit in the sun I got all hot, sweaty, pink and naturally moisturised....always look great. Get him to move somewhere where he will look eternally young!

Dear so called 'Agony Aunt' Aimee

Congratulations on winning the vote you little shite. It shoud a been me. I voted for meself and give those twats a C90 of classic folk melodies. Ya baast

love Uncle Jim

Thank you so much for your 'bitter' sweet congratulations. Yes, you did vote for yourself, but if you had a bit of savvy you would have invested in an ebay style sniper...not that I did owt like that:) Also I heard your C90 and no offence, but it's shite, you sound like a girl.. and I am the music maestro!

Regards Aunty Aimee xxx
P.S Ha ha ha ha!

Dear Baeky,

Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?

Yours Sincerely

Travis

Firstly, It's AIMEE! AUNTY AIMEE! GET IT?!
and yes, I believe in Karma and Religion and Catholics and other spiritual things like that, so yes, it is because you lied when you were seventeen; and according to the catholic church you will have to explain yourself, naked! at Gods pearly gates....get thinking of excusses!

All the best Aunty Aimee xxx

Jello there,

My name is (oops, better keep this anonymous)
Better go, then.

Bye

This last email prompted me to make a small announcement regarding your mail to me. Anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.. Just tell me who you are and I promise I won't tell anyone else.. Honest...............it is better [and this is aimed at all readers] if you tell me who you are and include as many grusome details as possible. Not coz I'm nosey...just because it helps me help you
Help me to help you

Aunty Aimee XXX

Dear Aunty Aimee,

Heathcliffe won't let me into his window. What shall I do? Its rather cold in here.

Yours faithfully,

Katherine

Katherine, You've learned a hard lesson.... MEN ARE PIGS! All of them! Except for the ones I like. I suggest you buy a warm puffa jacket and get used to it. Warmest wishes, Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Tia Maria

I’m addicted to cable TV. I have been watching reruns of the crystal maze, friends and top gear for the past 3 weeks. I am only able to write this because the adverts are on. You’ve gotta help me! If I hear the theme tune to The Crystal Maze once more I will actually implode. I can’t tear myself away from it though. It calls to me!

Yours, in a state of square-eyedness

Matthew

This is a common problem with Geeks of your age group. Friends is cool...really cool, funny intelligent people watch that and Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City and Ugly Betty. But Top Gear and Crystal Maze? I have a quick fix for that one.Put on an eye mask, lie on the ground in a comfortable position and Imagine Richard O'Brien and Jeremy Clarkson dancing naked. That should put you off those crappy geeky shows.... Ironically the same therapy to put you off Crystal Maze and Top Gear increases addiction the the aformentioned cool programmes...funny that. Anyhoo See ya geeky pants

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I have written into numerous publications including the Sun and the Star asking for advice. Until now no-one has been able to answer the question I have. This whole thing has been causing me tremendous anxiety. Can you please tell me the bloody answer? Why can't people stop giving me the runaround? Aaaaargh!!!

Yours hopefully,

Essie Kay

Dear Essie,

Hmmm, that's a hard one, and very difficult to give you a clear answer on.. Here's a quote from William Ruskin regarding Wagner's music.... Of all the affected, sapless, soulless, beginningness, endless, topless, bottomless, topsiturviest, scrannel-pipiest, tongs and boniest doggerel of sounds I ever endured the deadliest of, that eternity of nothing was the deadliest -- as far as the sound went. Hope this makes you less anxious.

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee,

Did Tony and Ade enjoy their bottles of malt? And Aaron his meths filtered through a loaf of bread. Did Matty get enough cash?

Yours Jade

Sorry I don't know what you mean?

Aunty Aimeekins xxx

Uncle Jim Sings Like A Girl!

We thought that Uncle Jimmy was just laying low due to his disappointing Quarter Final defeat in the Ulpster Open but in actual fact he has been busy at work in his Caribbean recording studio.

Last night a jet-lagged, rum soaked Jim personally delivered a rather dog-eared C90 to the Churnal offices threatening to, "fuggin' trash the place if you don't add it to your stations playlist". All attempts to explain that we are not in fact a radio station failed and eventually he crawled off to sleep in the bath.

Now we at the Churnal like to think we are a fair lot so we gave his tape a listen and have to admit it is not half bad (though Jims voice does sound a bit like a girl's). Here is a link for you all to make your mind up for yourselves...

Click here to listen to Jim's tunes

Inquiry into Agony Aunt Vote rigging underway

One of the applicants for the vacant agony aunt position

Serious allegations of vote rigging are being investigated in our poll to determine the next agony aunt. The churnal views this matter very seriously and will probably not consider applicants who vote for themselves multiple times. Unless there is a persuasive reason to turn a blind eye. Tony and Ade are known to enjoy a bottle of malt for example, and Aaron quite likes Pims.

Oh and Matty says he would prefer cash.