Ade's Philosophy Column

It's been a while, but I've been thinking about Descarte a lot recently, which according to his philosophy means I am. But what if I only think that I'm thinking about Descarte? does this mean that in reality I'm not or does it mean that I only think I am, or that I think I'm not. If I think I'm not that may in fact mean that I am.

If I think I am purely because I'm thinking am I not when I go to sleep? There again, if I think I'm not, does this mean I am, because I'm thinking or am I only thinking this?

I hope this has cleared things up for the plebs out there, I will deliberate more and keep the Churnal posted ..... OUCH! ..... I bit me bliddy tongue

Brown Medal

This years Ulpster Open was rather overshadowed by the Bejing Olympics however we can tell you that the brown medal has gone to Matty. Congratulations Matt. The runner up, Aaron shat his pants in the final and was therefore eliminated.



Pictured, left, Matt holding aloft the trophy and right, Aaron, who shat his pants

Tony's star discovered

Hello readers, welcome back to Ie churnal. Apologies for the recent absence of new content in this popular blog. I feel that I should explain the cause of this... you see what happened was our sinclair spectrum power supply suffered an irreparable hardware failure (after Natty conducted another of his experiments). Anyway to cut a long story short, we've been waiting for a replacement to appear in the Wick auctions for quite some time now which has taken rather longer than expected. However I'm delighted to say I finally found one last Wednesday and outbid everyone including Wullie Sinclair and Chaimig to get hold of one for the princely sum of 25 quid and 17 pence.

I managed to get some ace games bundled in with it too 'Ant attack' and 'Horace goes skiing', hows that for a bargain!!!! I'm afraid the acquisition of those games also explains the extra delay of a few days since I got the power supply fitted. Ow vow i'd forgotten how addictive Horace goes skiiing is!

Anyway of course its me your very own Toney McFellman ( recently appointed astronomer royale of Bower, Wick and the surrounding areas including Ulpster but excluding Lypster, Dunbeath and Latheron Wheel who still fall within Ade's juristiction). Anyway, I'm extremely proud to bring to the churnal some exciting news from the very cusp of Astronomy in a rare scoop for ie churnal.

I, Tony Fellman, have managed to discover a brand new star. I have consulted that guy off telly who wears a monocle and he agrees with me! At least I think it was him, anyway I'm sure 'new scientist' will soon be contacting me for an interview. But remember you heard it here first! I have to say I'm very proud of my discovery as I managed to spot it with my naked eye. I was using the refraction of the light bending right around the earth through the air in order to observe the southern skies above New Zealand when I suddenly noticed a star I hadn't seen before. It was quite faint and a sort of twinkling white colour. By counting the twinkles I have been able to estimate that the star has at least 8 Jupiter sized gas giants orbiting around it. Anyway, I shall keep you up to speed with any further observations I manage to observe.

Tony
x

Ade Missing!

Our resident nerd Ade is missing. He was last spotted in Glasgow early last week and is presumed lost. Aaron has been quoted as saying, "Yeah, i slept in and never got to say bye" and all Aden had to say was, "I miss my uncle Ade".

Aden has knocked up a quick sketch of him so if any of our readers spot him please contact us at the usual address. We are worried sick.

scientists baffled

An unusual artifact pictured below has been causing some debate amongst the scientific community in Glanton of late. It seems no-one can agree on the strange engravings found in this unusual aritifact.

We managed to persuade the two biggest intellectual heavyweights of the churnal to meet us and give their opinions. Natty Inkspoon spoke authoritatively, 'to me it is obviously some kind of bar stool in which have been engraved the face of a giant panda, I imagine this could be linked to the WWF, which is a federation of endangered animals throughout the galaxy. However without being able to take a spectral analysis of this stool sample I cannot be sure.'

However Professor David Makay disagreed saying, I can see two eyes and a nose sure but I don't think the animal in question is a panda, no no no. This is not meant to be taken literally, however what is sure is that the stool was crafted by some sort of ancient civilisation possibly even more advanced than our own.

However just as the debate was hotting up in walked Sun Journalist Jim wearing his kilt and snatched the chair away, 'get off my stool' he said elbowing Natty out the way and sitting down. 'Mine's a pint of best bitter' he elaborated.

Matt vs The World

Ah've noticed that ah lot of mah Churnal colleagues huv delusions of world domination and ah huv just one question...

When is it mah turn? When do ah get to rule the world? Well, that time is NOW and ah'm not gonna fanny aboot with cryogenics or any o' that pap!

Ah'm gonna do it the reet propa way, with 15 minute keyboard solos and endless guitar widdling fused with the music of the people, Hip-Hop. Ah call it Prog-Hop and it's gonna rock you sideways. We even have a new exciting dance, "The Prog-Hop Frog Hop".

Ade was the first to sign up for me band, I mean who can forget his Hip-Hop classics from the early ninetys? The now legendary "Nursery Raps" including the politically charged "Bah, Bah, Black Cloud of Injustice Above a Sheep" and of course the block-busting "Gus' Cookery Rap" are just a small part of a CV which make MnM look like a Smartie.

Uncle Jimmy was quick to follow suit proclaiming that he could widdle with best of them given enough beer. And that is not all! I can exclusively reveal that ah'm at an advanced stage in talks with Tony about bringing in his legendary "Giant Chicken Eating Frog" as official band choreographer.

With me band in place ah gave mah heros, Stock, Aitken and Waterman first dibs on the band but they got scared and said they couldn't fit my extended keyboard solos into their trademark 3 minute pop masterpieces, so they're not mah heros any more. Tits!

But nehva fear, we don't need to be part of the machine. If the Arctic Monkeys can get so huge with their unoriginal brand of re-hashed pop-punk wazz using only MySpace, then I, "MC Monkey Mackam and his Progressive Magpies" can RULE THE WORLD!

WATCH THIS SPACE!

Dear Miriam

We tried to locate Aimee er Miriam but she was still frozen in carbonite after dastardly Natty 's suspended animation experiment went horribly successfully. Galantly, Natty himself has offered to step into the agony aunt role for this occasion, while we try to recover Miriam.

Auntie Aimee,

I have stinky cheese under the corner of my big toe nail. I managed to gouge some out with the end of a kitchen knife the other day, which brings me to my problem... Now I'm wondering should I wash the knife or go and chat on the internet leaving the knife on the bench next to the cheeseboard?

Yours Katie Inkleston

Katie thats very interesting. Your problem is important to us. Please call again. - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've searched the five continents and the seven oceans, metaphorically at least, looking for the answer I seek. I've written to every blog on the internet, well that might be an exageration, including this one several times (thats not an exaggeration), and I've phoned every telephone number listed in my husbands phone book but the answer I seek is still not apparent to me. I'd be a fool to give up now after all this searching. Don't fob me off with any shite, I NEED that answer. I need it bad.

yors E. Kay

I'd like to answer your question with one of my own if I may? - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've got to be honest I'm addicted to Theasurus's. Whenever I see one I get absorbed, accustomed, attached, dedicated and dependent on it. Some might say devoted, disposed, fanatic or fond. However really I'm 'given over' or 'given to' them. You know? I'm habituated, hooked on, hyped with them. Please help me with my imbued, inclined, obsessed, predisposed, prone, spaced out, strung out obsession with Theasurus's

Yours in aggravation, anger, annoyance, besetment, bother, botheration, displeasure, exacerbation, fury, ire, irritant, irritation, nuisance, passion, pest, pique, plague, provocation, rage, resentment, vexation and wrath

Jonathon

Hmmm.... Next!, Nat

Dear Miriam,

I just don't know where else to turn. I was at my uncle Jimmy's house
and I had the most fantastic Chedder. It had a sort of earthy, farty
after taste to it. Jim is keeping his sources close to his chest and
insisting that it was just normal 99p shop Chedder :( Please help me
experience this delicacy again, I'm going off my head thinking about it.

Hungrily Yours,

Matty Big Back.

The only place I've ever tasted that cheese is in Jim's house, Nat

Dear Miriam,

You're a plant.

Regards, Sarracenia Hybrid

No, you're a plant.

Dear Miriam,

This Valentines Day I was running a bit short on inspiration so I had a
look back to Ade's Valentines guide from last year. It was a rousing
success but my gonads are still stinging some two weeks on.

Aunty Linden.

yeah I know what you mean, if you know what I mean *wink*

Dear Miriam,

My wife just popped through to the kitchen and now I've lost me baby.
What'll ah dee? Maria is gonna kill me!

Luv Ade x

who cares you muppit!!! Look you may be lucky or you may not. Try replacing the baby with a slug or smooth brochin, maybe your wife wont notice.

Dear Miriam

Where is Ulpster? Is it near Ulbster?

Thanks, G. Eographer

If you turn left at whaligoe you fall in the sea if that helps

Dear Miriam,

I took my we'an Aden doon tae the park, last I saw the wee beggar wiz playin wae the ducks. Noo ah cannae find yon bairn. Whit'll ah dae?

Aaron

Good god, we're getting them all this week, I can see why Miriam turned this gig down. Sort yourself out you plank!

Dear Miriam

I have a very short attention span. What can I do to

Dear whatever, finally a serious problem to diagnose. Ooo look I just found a bit of sweetcorn between my teeth. Did you listen to radio 2 this afternoon?

Dear Miriam

What happened to Aimee?

Regards

Confused Reader

Er I do not know! I wish I could help with the answer to your question er I think she er popped out or something... Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.

Mad Matt's Music

Murder! Murder in the garden!

Little Henry (8) has had his head removed, by none other than Miss Cynthia Jane De Blaise-William (9). Her weapon of choice: a croquet mallet.

Strangely, the beheading of Henry was not enough to completely end his existence on earth…

Two weeks later, in his old nursery, Miss Cynthia sat playing in Henry’s old nursery, when she found his old musical box. She opened it, and not only did she hear the tune of “Old King Cole”, but she got the fright of her life as Henry jumped out of the box. He’d been given a second chance.

Henry began to change. He was still the size of a boy but he began to grow older, his hair greyed, his skin wrinkled and a grey beard appeared.

The aged boy’s mind raced as the thoughts, dreams and desires of a lifetime passed through his mind in seconds. He turned to Cynthia with a wicked grin on his face. She screamed as he ran towards her, but the nurse, who had heard the racket from the next room, ran into the room. The grabbed the musical box and threw it at the bearded child, destroying him, as well as the box.

Genesis may be known for their ape-like drummer/lead singer, one Phillip Collins, but back in the obscure 1970s there was a strange man by the name of Peter, who wrote strange and dark stories and translated them into haunting songs. One album of such songs is Nursery Cryme.

The strange horrific theme continues in the album with a song about a giant plant that attacks the human race in revenge for taking it from its native Russia, and a song about a mountain spring that causes anyone who goes into the water to become half man and half woman.

There is no apparent evidence of hidden messages, satanic or otherwise. After all, there’s enough evil when played forwards. There is however evidence to suggest that there is a grain of truth in the latter story. Although apparently based on Greek mythology, we at Ie Churnal have found that instead of some pool in Greece the spring may actually be Ulpster’s own peat bog.

As you may have read recently Dr Natty Inkspoon fell into said bog, and froze. He has since been thawed out, and has developed strange lumps on his chest, similar to boobs. Our team of breast experts (basically all of us at Ie Churnal) have confirmed that they are in fact real, and not implants.

And the morals of the stories? Don’t fall in Ulpster peat bog, don’t take plants from Russia, and certainly don’t decapitate your playmates with a croquet mallet.

War!

War has broken out between China and New Zealand! The reasons for this outbreak of WAR is still unclear although political commentators are having a field day speculating on the reasons for this conflict.

One popular theory is that the simmering and still unresolved dispute on the naming of the fruit popularly known as 'chinkwifruberries' in neutral territories has once again erupted with the chinese refusing to backdown despite international pressure and continue to call these fruits chinese gooseberries.

Tonyf rubbished this idea, "I remember this was all resolved amicably some time ago I can't see any reason this would have become a problem."

Aaron agreed adding, "I've been channel hopping between CNN and BBC World for the past 12 hours and not seen a single mention of this war, either the chinese have hushed it up or something even more sinister is going on."

Thankfully at present there are no sign of any hostilities in this war however it could escalate rapidly. you heard it here first.

Churnal Staff in suspended animation experiment accident

My dear readers, I must apologise for this lull in the flow of articles, but there is a reason, and a big one at that.

At the end of December 2007 Dr Natty Inkspoon invited the staff to a “Staff Christmas Party”. Not wanting to miss out on the fun we all made our way down to the place of the meeting – Ie Cairn o Get.

Waiting for us was a large metal silo-like building inside the cairn. A general murmur of confusion was all any of us could utter before being shot in the bums with tranquilliser darts. This is as much as I can tell you, but Prof David Mackay has been able to fill in the blanks for us.

After being knocked out Dr Natt took us into the chamber, and began to freeze us by injecting the Caithness wind into the chamber through a hole in the base. We were about to become part of Scotland’s first cryogenics project. Prof Mackay saw this from his lair in the hills and swooped down on his jetpack, lightsaber at the ready.

The two intellectuals did battle. Dr Natt seemed a dead cert to win, when all of a sudden he lost his footing and fell into the peat bog, freezing instantly.

The prof managed to get us out of the chamber, but it has taken almost two full months to thaw us all out properly.

An internal investigation is underway, and Dr Natt has been suspended temporarily.