Dear Miriam

We tried to locate Aimee er Miriam but she was still frozen in carbonite after dastardly Natty 's suspended animation experiment went horribly successfully. Galantly, Natty himself has offered to step into the agony aunt role for this occasion, while we try to recover Miriam.

Auntie Aimee,

I have stinky cheese under the corner of my big toe nail. I managed to gouge some out with the end of a kitchen knife the other day, which brings me to my problem... Now I'm wondering should I wash the knife or go and chat on the internet leaving the knife on the bench next to the cheeseboard?

Yours Katie Inkleston

Katie thats very interesting. Your problem is important to us. Please call again. - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've searched the five continents and the seven oceans, metaphorically at least, looking for the answer I seek. I've written to every blog on the internet, well that might be an exageration, including this one several times (thats not an exaggeration), and I've phoned every telephone number listed in my husbands phone book but the answer I seek is still not apparent to me. I'd be a fool to give up now after all this searching. Don't fob me off with any shite, I NEED that answer. I need it bad.

yors E. Kay

I'd like to answer your question with one of my own if I may? - Nat.

Dear Aimee,

I've got to be honest I'm addicted to Theasurus's. Whenever I see one I get absorbed, accustomed, attached, dedicated and dependent on it. Some might say devoted, disposed, fanatic or fond. However really I'm 'given over' or 'given to' them. You know? I'm habituated, hooked on, hyped with them. Please help me with my imbued, inclined, obsessed, predisposed, prone, spaced out, strung out obsession with Theasurus's

Yours in aggravation, anger, annoyance, besetment, bother, botheration, displeasure, exacerbation, fury, ire, irritant, irritation, nuisance, passion, pest, pique, plague, provocation, rage, resentment, vexation and wrath

Jonathon

Hmmm.... Next!, Nat

Dear Miriam,

I just don't know where else to turn. I was at my uncle Jimmy's house
and I had the most fantastic Chedder. It had a sort of earthy, farty
after taste to it. Jim is keeping his sources close to his chest and
insisting that it was just normal 99p shop Chedder :( Please help me
experience this delicacy again, I'm going off my head thinking about it.

Hungrily Yours,

Matty Big Back.

The only place I've ever tasted that cheese is in Jim's house, Nat

Dear Miriam,

You're a plant.

Regards, Sarracenia Hybrid

No, you're a plant.

Dear Miriam,

This Valentines Day I was running a bit short on inspiration so I had a
look back to Ade's Valentines guide from last year. It was a rousing
success but my gonads are still stinging some two weeks on.

Aunty Linden.

yeah I know what you mean, if you know what I mean *wink*

Dear Miriam,

My wife just popped through to the kitchen and now I've lost me baby.
What'll ah dee? Maria is gonna kill me!

Luv Ade x

who cares you muppit!!! Look you may be lucky or you may not. Try replacing the baby with a slug or smooth brochin, maybe your wife wont notice.

Dear Miriam

Where is Ulpster? Is it near Ulbster?

Thanks, G. Eographer

If you turn left at whaligoe you fall in the sea if that helps

Dear Miriam,

I took my we'an Aden doon tae the park, last I saw the wee beggar wiz playin wae the ducks. Noo ah cannae find yon bairn. Whit'll ah dae?

Aaron

Good god, we're getting them all this week, I can see why Miriam turned this gig down. Sort yourself out you plank!

Dear Miriam

I have a very short attention span. What can I do to

Dear whatever, finally a serious problem to diagnose. Ooo look I just found a bit of sweetcorn between my teeth. Did you listen to radio 2 this afternoon?

Dear Miriam

What happened to Aimee?

Regards

Confused Reader

Er I do not know! I wish I could help with the answer to your question er I think she er popped out or something... Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa.

Dear Aimae - continued

Bebo bebo bebo bebo my little fart knockers. Heres a couple of letters that missed the first batch, but graciously I don't mind as I'm like a light in dark places and stuff.

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I am living in a part of Engerland that has been affected by flooding and have suffered water shortage. As a result my good wife, daughter and I have all been unable to bathe as regularly as we would like and tension in the house is mounting; you see Jaz and Heather ( whoops, my good wife and daughter) smell naturally of sugar and spice and all things nice and I just, well Aimee, to be honest I just pong. You may think I am making a fuss over nothing, but they have moved out and I am left to sit in my own stench. To make things worse, the stress has made my pumps rather more eggy than usual. How can win my family back and sort out my eggy bottom?

Yours, I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you 'men in black' Fell

Dear "I'd tell you who I am, but I'd have to shred you" men in black Fell,

Stop whining and go to the local swimming baths; a wee splash in the chlorinated water will kill off any stinky bacteria clinging to your being and will give you a new, almost astringent whiff that should last a few days at a time. Hopefully this new pong will enable you to welcome your sugar n spice girls back home which will in turn relax you and neutralise the acidity in your hydrogen sulphide rich pumps.

Voila xxx Much Love Auny Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee

I'm moving home tomorrow and it's really stressing me out. I've been in my safe little home for ages but tomorrow I'm moving to a new big cold noisy metropolis where I won't know many people. I know I should be excited, but I feel scared - what's wrong with me?

Kia Fell -1day

Nothing's wrong with you, Kia. It is a very scary prospect, becoming a little fish in a big pond, and most people find this time in their lives difficult. You can do lots to make it feel more under your control. Ask your parents to find out about induction days. . Try and get together with someone who is going through the same thing, or just has (Joel?) even if you aren't friends at the moment you'll have this in common and can look out for each other during the first few years of this big bad world. You're going to have to do it, so the best tactic is to do it with confidence. Good luck!

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aunty Aimee

Gosh I'm humbled to be here, all those votes have overwhelmed me. I like to think that life is like an octave with a little black note representing each problem and a nice elegant treble clef representing me, with maybe some semi-quavers sprinkled around depicting the chaos of modern society. So let me now sing and dance around your sad little problems with my beautiful melodies.

To help letters,

can you help my dad. when my dad turned 56 I would say oh look at that wrinkles he is overflowing with them I now he should get wrinkle cream but he'd need loads of the cream. He's like a wrinkly apple and he noes it.
--
Jonathan Fell

Yeeeesssss yeeesssss. MOISTURISE MOISTURISE MOISTURISE! that's what advertisingcampaigns would say. They would charge you £5.99 for a wrinkle cream that DOESN'T EVEN WORK!
My advice is to sit in the sun as much as possible...possibly even move to a hot counrty (with accssessable cheap flights for family). Whenever I sit in the sun I got all hot, sweaty, pink and naturally moisturised....always look great. Get him to move somewhere where he will look eternally young!

Dear so called 'Agony Aunt' Aimee

Congratulations on winning the vote you little shite. It shoud a been me. I voted for meself and give those twats a C90 of classic folk melodies. Ya baast

love Uncle Jim

Thank you so much for your 'bitter' sweet congratulations. Yes, you did vote for yourself, but if you had a bit of savvy you would have invested in an ebay style sniper...not that I did owt like that:) Also I heard your C90 and no offence, but it's shite, you sound like a girl.. and I am the music maestro!

Regards Aunty Aimee xxx
P.S Ha ha ha ha!

Dear Baeky,

Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?

Yours Sincerely

Travis

Firstly, It's AIMEE! AUNTY AIMEE! GET IT?!
and yes, I believe in Karma and Religion and Catholics and other spiritual things like that, so yes, it is because you lied when you were seventeen; and according to the catholic church you will have to explain yourself, naked! at Gods pearly gates....get thinking of excusses!

All the best Aunty Aimee xxx

Jello there,

My name is (oops, better keep this anonymous)
Better go, then.

Bye

This last email prompted me to make a small announcement regarding your mail to me. Anything you say to me will be in the strictest confidence.. Just tell me who you are and I promise I won't tell anyone else.. Honest...............it is better [and this is aimed at all readers] if you tell me who you are and include as many grusome details as possible. Not coz I'm nosey...just because it helps me help you
Help me to help you

Aunty Aimee XXX

Dear Aunty Aimee,

Heathcliffe won't let me into his window. What shall I do? Its rather cold in here.

Yours faithfully,

Katherine

Katherine, You've learned a hard lesson.... MEN ARE PIGS! All of them! Except for the ones I like. I suggest you buy a warm puffa jacket and get used to it. Warmest wishes, Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Tia Maria

I’m addicted to cable TV. I have been watching reruns of the crystal maze, friends and top gear for the past 3 weeks. I am only able to write this because the adverts are on. You’ve gotta help me! If I hear the theme tune to The Crystal Maze once more I will actually implode. I can’t tear myself away from it though. It calls to me!

Yours, in a state of square-eyedness

Matthew

This is a common problem with Geeks of your age group. Friends is cool...really cool, funny intelligent people watch that and Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City and Ugly Betty. But Top Gear and Crystal Maze? I have a quick fix for that one.Put on an eye mask, lie on the ground in a comfortable position and Imagine Richard O'Brien and Jeremy Clarkson dancing naked. That should put you off those crappy geeky shows.... Ironically the same therapy to put you off Crystal Maze and Top Gear increases addiction the the aformentioned cool programmes...funny that. Anyhoo See ya geeky pants

Dear Aunty Aimee,

I have written into numerous publications including the Sun and the Star asking for advice. Until now no-one has been able to answer the question I have. This whole thing has been causing me tremendous anxiety. Can you please tell me the bloody answer? Why can't people stop giving me the runaround? Aaaaargh!!!

Yours hopefully,

Essie Kay

Dear Essie,

Hmmm, that's a hard one, and very difficult to give you a clear answer on.. Here's a quote from William Ruskin regarding Wagner's music.... Of all the affected, sapless, soulless, beginningness, endless, topless, bottomless, topsiturviest, scrannel-pipiest, tongs and boniest doggerel of sounds I ever endured the deadliest of, that eternity of nothing was the deadliest -- as far as the sound went. Hope this makes you less anxious.

Aunty Aimee xxx

Dear Aimee,

Did Tony and Ade enjoy their bottles of malt? And Aaron his meths filtered through a loaf of bread. Did Matty get enough cash?

Yours Jade

Sorry I don't know what you mean?

Aunty Aimeekins xxx

Letters to the Editor

Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Nick. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect my credibility, yer nah. Why man, your reporter failed to mention salient facts that would affect my abilty to fight such as the well documented "Inky Big Toe", and also that at the time I was suffering from severe chafing of the thighs. There was also no mention of the knuckle dusters used by my opponent.......err, just remembered I used the Knuckle dusters, forget I mentioned that. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts, hinny.

Yours, Uncle Jimmy

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.


Dear Sir,
Why oh why do so many complaints letters begin with the phrase "Why oh why"? Don't people realise that using the same phrase over and over again just devalues it? Why oh why can't they think of an alternative?

Yours, A. Knuss

Why oh why does this upset you? - Ed.


Dear Sir,
I was shocked and stunned to hear of Baekys withdrawl from the pages of the Churnal, especially as I had already twice asked for an answer to a particularly intriguing question. Is it possible you may be able to give the answer I crave?

Yours, Essie Kye.

Well Essie I am not qualfied to answer your question I'm afraid. however, I do have good news as we have a replacement for Baeky lined up. Do you speak Spanish? - Ed.

Dear Churnal,

I've decided to write a song especially for your readers. So without further ado, ah one ah two ah one two three four ...

Plocton Plocton Plocton
dum diddy dum diddy dum diddy do
Plocton diddy dum diddy Plocton diddy poo

I wonder if Simon Cowell will be impressed. Can you ensure he reads this please?

Regards, Aimee.

P.S Hi Simon how's life ? remember me from Pop idol ? Aims X

Thank you for your submission Aimee, it sure is a catchy tune. I happen to know Simon reads the Churnal every day ... probably. - Ed.



Dear Sir,
I wish to complain in the strongest of terms about your recent report on my altercation with Uncle Jimmy. Your report was innacurate and contained omissions that may affect his credibility. In no way was he fighting like a little girl, it defies credibility, he's almost 6 feet tall, much more like a big girl. Anyway, a serious publication like the Ulpster Churnal should make every effort to include all relevent facts.

Yours, Uncle Nick.

I would like to be able to confirm your complaint, but unfortunately the facts do not add up. I am entirely satisfied that our report was accurate. - Ed.

Newsflash

Today is a sad day for ie ulpster churnal, we've discovered that Baeky has resigned from her post as resident agony aunt her last post will be her last. Apparently no-one told her we were looking for a replacement to cover her maternity leave and she has taken it quite badly. We bumped into each other in the supermarket earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as bum bandit and chutney ferrit, which was quite embarassing. Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endevours. And now we can welcome our new agony aunt, Maria, who's jugs though not as impressive as some applicants seem to fit the bill anyway.

So this week is the start of a new era in ie churnal sees me as the undisputed leader, now that Baeky has gone, and I vow to steer ie churnal in a new direction, one which according to my vision will see our number of readers double - to two (assuming Jade keeps reading and we manage to find another reader).

Tony

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Imagine how silly I felt when I saw my letter printed on your pages and realised that in my excitement I had forgotten to actually outline the question that has intrigued me for years. I would still be very grateful for a real answer and not the supposedly humerous one liner you provided, please give it some serious thought,

Yours, Essie Kye


Sorry Essie, the anser has now changed to 43 - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there life on other worlds? Does god exist? Why are space-hoppers so named? Please answer promptly or else.

Yours Stephen Hawking


The difficult question here is the third and I'm very tempted to answer it with another question, but I'll resist the temptation and just say How Hi is a Chinaman. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Yeah I've always wanted to know why space-hoppers are so named too? Please say you'll tell us,

Yours Steven Dick Felt

I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer I gave just a short while ago. - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

We of the secret space hopping society and interglactic warfare tribunal forbid you to say anything you think you know about space-hoppers.

Yours General Natty of the imperial star-fleet


You can't stop me thinking about anything I know about space-hoppers, what you really need to worry about are those people who can read thoughts - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Tell us about space-hoppers or me and my colleagues at Oxford University will rubbish your work and discredit you, and that is only the beginning,

Yours Stevie Hawkings


Very well, I know for a fact that space hoppers are very eco-friendly and as such are used by several flaky groups as their primary means of transport. In fact the so called Imperial Star-fleet would cease to function without them as both members would be unable to reach their meetings. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

We are warning you for the last time don't mention nothing about space hoppers,

General Natty

One more word from you and I'll fix you with a steely glance that will have you quaking in your wellies - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Do it.

Yours Stevie Dick Felt

Done it - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

Is there liiiife on maaaaaars oh yeah ?

Mr. Bowie

And he was all right, the song went on forever - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

AAAaam sick of those horses deficating all over Ulbster aaah wish someone would invent a cork stoppa , signed the rabbits of Ulbster Liberation front.


There's a surprise, Ive just had a letter from the horses of the Ulpster Liberation Front saying much the same thing only the words horses and rabbits were transposed. (incidentally, you've spelled Ulpster wrong). - Baeky


Dear Baeky,

It is agony when I try to bend my fingers really far back. I also have a
sensation of immense pain. When I bend them so far that I hear cracking
noises and see the joints forming unnatural looking shapes I feel like
I'm going to puke and get dizzy. I'm not double jointed or anything. Is
this normal?

Yours Auntie Eva


No, not normal at all. I can recommend a very good book called "Flexibility, and how to achieve it." In the meantime I would continue trying your exercises. Doctor Aden assures me that as long as you don't pass out its safe. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

Dear Baeky,
I have been struggling to find someone qualified to answer a question that has been tormenting me for years. I believe finally my quest is at an end and you are that person. I would be extremely grateful for an answer.
Yours, Essie Kye

Thank you for your letter Essie, the answer you seek is 42. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

As a postman wannabe I usually pay close attention to people's letterboxes. I thought I'd seen it all but today takes the biscuit. The letterbox at this one house I saw had a sign saying, 'no circulars'! When I looked closely at the letterbox, it was a standard rectangular shape! I had to laugh, I mean duh talk about stating the obvious.

Yours Aaron Hulk, the incredible

Well I have to agree with you Aaron but, and this is a big butt, you should be aware that the new european standard shape for a circle is actually a rectangle. - Baeky.

Dear Baeky,

My real problem is an allergy to brocolli, what should I do? It makes my skin go green and my trousers get ripped and torn.

Yours Aaron the impaler

Try coating them in something to disguise them, you could for instance coat them in breadcrumbs or a banana skin - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I know this may sound like the ravings of a paranoid lunatic. I am a law abiding citizen but constantly live in fear of the law. They are after me I tell you, I see signs everywhere saying I will be prosecuted. What am I supposed to have done? Why must I live in fear? Please help.

Yours Bill Poster

Bill, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've been growing an amber crystal on my arm for several days now. Shall I eat it?

Naomi

Naomi, this may be hard to understand but being paranoid does not automatically ensure that people are not after you. The best advice I can give you is to lock yourself in a dark room and answer the door to no one. - Baeky

Letters to the Editor

Sir,
A word of warning to your readers regarding Ade's tip on telling right from left. I myself thought I could improve on his tip and tied a bit of string to the steering wheel of my car. I found that when I turned the wheel, to navigate a corner for instance, I got a false string reading and ended up hoplessly lost.
Yours Nikos

Nikos, you should have stuck with the tip as described, there are no short cuts. However, in an emergency the following tip has got me out of many a tight spot. Always turn towards the sun, that way you are always turning right, probably. (Note, this is only good for datytime). - Ed

Dear Sir,
Why is it that you have to read each separate article in this blog backwards, but the actual article forwards? It's doing my head in.
Yours Mr W.W. Dubbleyew

Well W, it's to help those in the other hemisphere to make sense of the stories, whichever hemisphere you are reading this in I can assure you it's more logical in the other. - Ed

Sir,
I never tie string around any of my wrists, ankles or other bodily extremities (except for one) and yet 50% of the times I guess the way to go I get it 100% right ;-)
Regards,
Michael De Candlestick

Hmm 50% of the time I guess the way to go I get it wrong 100% of the time, I suppose we should get together. - Ed

Dear Baeky,
I often find that my letters and emails get sent to the wrong recipient. Is this the fault of the USA government or maybe irresponsible hackers could be responsible? I wish that whoever is responsible can be punished please. I authorise you to do the necessary. Please delete this email once you have read and understood it.
Yours Sincerely,
Nick Buttros Dickos

I can see what your problem is, you are forgetting to put a postage stamp on your emails. Routers have feelings too and when you forget a detail like this they tend to spit the dummy out and route them incorrectly - Ed

Sir,
I wish to apply for the post of secretary at ie churnal offices, please note that I have big jugs is this an advantage? Pic enclosed.
Yours
Eswyl

I'm sorry, whan you can qualify your jugs with a valuation we will look again at your application. - Ed

Letters to ie Churnal's favorite agony aunt

We are very happy to welcome back Baeky to ie churnal. As usual she is here to help with any of your problems. Here is a selection below.

Dear Baeky,

Many years ago I saw a letter in ie churnal where a young lad had a large slimey, brown, smelly, growth in his boxer shorts. The damnedest thing is the same thing happened to me shortly afterwards but I never kept my copy of 'ie churnal' and cannot remember the reply. In my case the growth is not slimey anymore, more kind of dry and with a cracked surface. If I prise it open slightly I can see what may be a peanut. Is it cancer?

Yours Aaron

Aaron, please don't worry unduly about this problem, it is nothing more than acne, a problem most adolescents unfortunately have to deal with. You can get medication for this at any chemist, or indeed supermarket. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

Without fear of contridiction I say horses are the best animal, look at mine for example, much better than cats. Can you ride a cat? Like no way, whatever! Can a dog jump over a gate with you on its back. Hello? No way!

Mel

I think you'll find its contradiction Mel.
You are close, but no cigar, it's a well known fact that the best animal is a Unicorn which can do all the things you say AND poke you with a sharp pointy bit too - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

got some back copies of VIZ ? immy Miller for president?

Jim

I have some front copies, and you've spelled prison incorrectly. - Baeky

Dear Baeky

I've got a bun in the oven. How do I know when to take it out? Should I wait until it has turned brown?

Yours,

Bunny Becky's Big Buns

You should allow twenty minutes per pound plus twenty minutes. - Baeky

Dear Baeky,

I had a bun in the oven until today. All seems well as it is a nice dark brown colour. I have wrapped it in swaddling cloth and put it in a cot but it is stinking the room out. Is this normal and what can I do about it?

Yours,

Rude Dan Bum Baby Man

Perfectly normal Dan, I think you'll find the smell will disappear around about March. - Baeky

Send in your letters for 'Dear Baeky' to ulpsterchurnal@googlemail.com