New Agony Aunt - Survey

As you may be aware, we've had to let Maria go due to her inconsiderately getting herself up the duff.

I feel I have to inform our readers that Maria took her dismissal from ie churnal very badly indeed. We bumped into each other in the library earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as chutney faggot boy, and mister idiot, which was very embarrassing. Don't ask what I was doing in New Zealand.

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Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endeavours.

But now we have to decide who fits the bill for the churnal agony aunt spot next? This is a crucial decision at the start of this new era for ie churnal. We have some strong applications after our recent advertisement let me tell you, including former Agony Aunts Baeky and Maria, not to mention Aimee the tin whistle flute-myster. So we've decided to let you, the readers make this decision for us

Tony

Aunty Mel kidnapped

Shocking events unfolded in Ulpster yesterday evening as Aunty Mel was kidnapped by what is reputed to be a 20 foot tall tardigrade. According to eyewitnesses the whole ground shook with the footsteps of the giant beast as it stomped across the fields in the direction of ie Cairn o' Get carrying Aunty Mel in its clutches. Lobsterman Davie managed to take this photo of the approaching creature minutes before it disappeared over the horizon taking Aunty Mel with it.

Aunty Mel played god with nature

Opinion is divided on this incident, with some experts believing that Mel has continued her experiments on these creatures in secret and discovered the gene that normally surpresses their growth. If this is true then she probably played god and tampered with the gene in an experiment now gone horribly wrong. Others believe the neepie docker David from Lypster may have created a growth hormone in his shed and infected this tardigrade with it. Some nutty conspiracy theorists even speculate that Mel has created this tardigrade deliberately with the intention of using it to demolish a local windfarm which has been constructed on the hill fort.

Conspiracy, three aunties disappear in one week

After the disappearance of 3 aunties within the space of a week; First Val being swallowed whole by a sea cucumber, then Wendy sucked into the sky by aliens and now this tardigrade kidnapping - many people are beginning to wonder if these events can be regarded as coincidence or is something more sinister going on? The only surviving aunty, Aunty Linden is said to be concerned about the situation.

Aunty Val eaten by a giant sea anenomea

Rumours that auntie Val has been eaten by a giant sea anemone just off the Aberdeenshire coast have not yet been confirmed. It is thought that if she had been eaten, that the sea anemone in question must have been one of the largest specimens yet recorded, if it has been recorded. (If it has been recorded has not yet been recorded). However, a monster such as this one would need a mouth up to a meter in diameter and stinging tentacles up to 3 meters in length or something according to our churnal estimates.

Marine Biologist tells us this anemone was a giant

As ever our top marine biologist Mel Sprite was on hand to enlighten us further, "The biggest sea anemones I've seen are only about about a couple of inches in diameter at the most, certainly the ones in British waters." she explained, "It is highly doubtful such an anemone exists capable of eating an entire person ye knaa. If one has eaten my sister as you say, then it must have been a giant." Mel Sprite then howled and broke down sobbing, eventually whispering in a choked up voice, "ow I bit my toungue."

Images show Auntie Val being eaten

We are keeping our fingers crossed that these rumours turn out to be false however other circumstantial evidence does not give us much hope. Take for example this image we've created using clever graphics manipulation. It clearly shows a person such as auntie Val being eaten by an enormous sea anemone, we can only conclude that such an occurrence is not only possible but in fact probable. If anyone has any updates on this situation we'd appreciate being informed.

Aaron Smell - Churnal Reporter

Brazilian Breakthrough in Fruit Talks

Kissenger talks - Churnal Update.

Talks appeared to have stalled between the Chinese and New Zealand authorities. Several alternative names for the fruit had been discounted for various reasons. New Zealand objected to the name "Yang-tao" on the grounds that the name sounded too Chinese, whilst the Chinese in turn objected to "Actinidia deliciosa" as it sounded too Latin.

A visiting delegation from Brazil intervened and after having their initial suggestion of "Pele-Berryfruit" discounted managed to get both sides to agree to a compromise solution.

New Zealand spokesperson Ade enthused, " it was a masterstroke, we have been in a negotiating cul-de-sac for weeks, it just needed someone neutral, not like that Kissenger fellow, to help us see the answer, it was staring us in the face."

The Churnal can exclusively reveal that the fruit will be marketed by New Zealand growers as the Kiwi Fruit, and by the Chinese growers as the Chinese Gooseberry. This has been a triumph of international cooperation.

Kissinger to head Arbitration Panel?

Negotiations between the authorities from New Zealand and China over the naming of an obscure fruit have been proving extremely difficult. However it seems there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

New Zealand spokesman Ade explained, "The two sides are now extremely close to an agreement with a new name Chiwi emerging as the likely winner. Unfortunately, as usual there is a stumbling block, namely the pronounciation, with the Chinese insisting its pronounced Chy-Wee, whilst we New Zealanders are backing Chee-Wee, in fact we would accept nothing less."

Under prompting from the Churnal, the two sides have agreed to put the matter to an arbitration panel, led by ace negotiator Henry Kissinger ... probably!

The Churnal undertakes to keep the readers fully informed over these delicate talks.

Chinese and New Zealanders at Loggerheads

An almighty row is developing between the New Zealand and Chinese Authorities over the naming of a piece of fruit.

New Zealand spokesman, Ade said indignantly, "Everyone knows they're called Kiwi Fruit!" whilst a spokesman for the Chinese, Mr How Hi announced, "There is no need for discussion, the Chinese Gooseberry is eaten by several million Chinese every day. The sheer weight of numbers would suggest that the New Zealanders have no case!"

In the spirit of international cooperation and harmony, we at the Churnal suggest the compromise name of Chinkwi Fruberry.

Newsflash - Musical Genius Discovered

In a house in Bower (near Ulpster) our very own Gus (of Cookery Tips fame) came across a feline of such musical talent that on seeing her play an original piece on the piano he was moved to comment, “I’ve waited all my life to see that!”

Jonathan, explained that Gizmo had been playing the piano for several months and at first he had thought she was hitting random notes, as if walking across the keys. It was when he recognised two notes from the tune ‘London’s Burning’ that he realised it was much more than that. After listening very closely to another of Gizmo’s recitals he was sure that it contained almost all of the notes of a very well known classical tune ‘Fur Elise, although not in quite the right order’. “She seems to have a penchant for Beethoven”, laughed Jonathan.

Newsflash

Today is a sad day for ie ulpster churnal, we've discovered that Baeky has resigned from her post as resident agony aunt her last post will be her last. Apparently no-one told her we were looking for a replacement to cover her maternity leave and she has taken it quite badly. We bumped into each other in the supermarket earlier today in fact, and she began shouting at me and followed me out into the street, calling me all sorts of unrepeatable names, such as bum bandit and chutney ferrit, which was quite embarassing. Anyway in a spirit of good faith we'd like to put all this behind us now and wish her all the best in her future endevours. And now we can welcome our new agony aunt, Maria, who's jugs though not as impressive as some applicants seem to fit the bill anyway.

So this week is the start of a new era in ie churnal sees me as the undisputed leader, now that Baeky has gone, and I vow to steer ie churnal in a new direction, one which according to my vision will see our number of readers double - to two (assuming Jade keeps reading and we manage to find another reader).

Tony