Jonathan's Jottings

My pal George and I have been discussing the, up until now, taboo subject of 'stuck farts'. I had always thought this phenomenon peculiar to me until George confessed he too occasionally suffered from this. This opened up a whole new can of worms, for instance, is 'stuck fart' the correct terminology, do other people know it under a different name? When I thought it applied to myself alone it mattered not what it was called and perhaps I have inadvertently renamed it.

For the uninitiated, a 'stuck fart' feels like a bubble just at the exit point that just doesn't burst, at least not with a satisfactory tonal quality, and often disappears with no satisfaction derived.

My brother Aaron says that trying to force the issue can be counter productive and lead to the disastrous condition known as a 'lumpy fart'. His recommendation is, as unsatisfying as it is, to let the stuck fart go gracefully. Is this true? or is he just scare mongering?. It seems such a pity to waste a fart, but if the consequences are so draconian? Surely some of the aussie rules aficionado's could elucidate. Please let me know your thoughts on this at the usual address.

The Ulpster Open

At last the Final is upon us - Aaron versus Tony
Live commentary once again from Joan and Nims

Nims - You could cut the atmosphere in here with a knife today, in fact I wish someone would it stinks a bit in here.

Joan - Yes both finalists have been warming up backstage, which would account for the wiff. I notice you've let a few off too Nims, Don't think I didn't notice.

Nims - Ahem... oh here comes Aaron. He's first into the arena, he looks very focused and is muttering to himself... And now comes Tony, he's being quite literally dragged into the arena by Eswyl and Jonathon.

Joan - The referee today is Mel Sprite who lowers a white hanky signalling the start of the match. Straight away Tony squawks, "This room is an FF__" but before he has even finished uttering the words Aaron has guffed a stinkbomb into Tony's face. I think Aaron has done his homework on this opponent. That was some toxic release!

Nims - Meanwhile, Tony has let off a fart in return although I think that was in fright more than anything else but Aaron releases an amazing volley of well controlled and distinct farts and takes the first set, 6:1

Joan - Wait, don't speak too soon, the referee is waving her hanky around. Something has happened. There seems to be some confusion. I don't believe it she has given the first two sets to Tony!!! Apparently his pump consisted of at least 200 mini-pumps, enough to easily give him the first two sets. Tony is winning 6:1 6:love

Nims - Unbelievable! Now both players are facing off at the start of a tense third set. There is a moment of silence but suddenly Jonathon and Eswyl who are standing in the front row of the crowd start waving their hands in front of their faces saying 'poo' and looking pointedly in Tony's direction. The referee signals in Tony's favour, these shows of verbal disgust count as points. Meanwhile Aaron, who has let off another fine healthy fart gets a point deducted for farting before play has resumed.

Joan - Oh dear we don't need this a streaker has just ran across the auditorium letting off a fart of her own. In fact it is Aunty Aimee. Oh dear there's no need for this. The noble sport of Aussie rules tennis does not need to be degraded this way.

Nims- Well its just a bit of fun I'm sure. Look suddenly a wave of unforseen confidence has overcome Tony and he leaps towards Aaron like a ninja, releasing a tremendous burst of farts in the process. Quick as a flash Aaron retaliates with his own gaseous emissions. But the referee is waving her hanky. Tony has won!

No-one would have predicted this at the start of the tournament.
Tony is the Ulpster Open champion!

Aussie Rules Final will go ahead

Aussie Rules Tennis tournament 'The Ulpster Open 2007' has been under scrutiny following an astonishing series of attempts by one of the finalists to wriggle out of appearing in the final. Tony has publicly offered to withdraw on a few separate occasions claiming he actually lost his semi-final against Nick. However the rules clearly state that this is not the case.

"I can't understand this attitude!" said Joan yesterday, "I keep all my trophies proudly displayed in a box in my daughter's attic". Another former winner, Nickos echoed that sentiment when he told us he was proud of his achievements in farting and still hoped to win a few more times before he retires.

Aaron however was dismissive of these reports, "Its just pure gamesmanship", he told us, "that old bufty is trying to upset my preparations for this final, but it wont work. I've been eating spinach empanadillas by the dozen and will be ready for anything in this final."

Tony was unavailable for comment although people close to him have reported that he is in very good form just now.

The Ulpster Open Second Semi-Final

"Welcome back to the Ulpster Open Semi finals, with me Grandma Joan ex fart champion in 1947, 1954 and 1982, and Naomi to witness the second semi final of Nick versus Tony. The crowd have been riveted to the action as we now await the start of the second set. If you've just joined us Tony has won the first set! Here is Naomi to recap those events:"

Nims - "Thanks Grandma. Yes I can't recall a start to a match like this one before. As Tony marched into the arena he shouted in a very loud authoritative manner that this auditorium was now an F.F.Z.!!! Confusion ensued and whilst Nick consulted the match official to see what was going on Tony sneaked up and let off an almighty trump in Nick's face. Nick staggered around his eyes watering, repeatedly sneezing with the sulphurous fumes while Tony peppered him with yet more farts from close range.

Grandma - "Sorry to interrupt you but the second set is now under way and we can see yet more controversy as Tony has lain down on his back, his legs around his neck and lit a huge fart which has actually singed Nick's eyebrows, in fact the flames are now engulfing the hair on Nick's shoulders and back."

Nims - "This is incredible! This match has everything! But here comes Nick, he's running around the auditorium whilst emmiting one long pump, in fact he has now completed two laps and still pumping, this must beat his own world record!"

Joan - "Yes but it still only counts as one pump, whilst Tony with a look of intense concentration on his face has managed to eek out 3 pathetic little squeaks but they all count, and are enough for him to dramatically break serve and give him three match points."

Nims - "The tension is now unbearable, some of the people in the crowd are also pumping now, prompting the match official to call for silence... And so both players resume. Nick is first to break the stalemate with a healthy sounding pump, however Tony quick as a flash neutralizes it with some air freshener. "

Joan - "Nick is now arguing with the referee over the legality of Tony's air freshener move but Tony has played on! Tony releases an awful silent but violent pump into Nicks face. Nick is down on his knees coughing and spluttering, meanwhile the referee, holding a handkerchief to his face, has raised his hand signalling victory to Tony. "

Nims - "What an incredible victory. The first time Tony has beaten Nick competitively, and what a time to do it. Tony will now meet Aaron in the final of the Ulpster Open."

The Ulpster Open First Semi-Final
Live Commentry today comes from Nims and Grandma Joan,

Nims - "So, here we are for what is anticipated to be an evenly matched contest between Aaron, who has specialized in eggy boffs throughout this tournament and Ade, who's farts are reputed to smell pleasantly of roses.

Joan - "Yes it seems like the whole population of Ulbster is in attendence and quite a few travelling from as far afield as Thrumster and Lypster too, all anticipating an exciting event. Presently the murmuring of the crowd quietens to an absolute hush as the match begins. I hand over to Naomi for the match commentary...."

"Thanks Grandma - Immediately Aaron signals his intent and squeaks out 3 rotten guffs in quick succession, with one more ripper it's first game to Spidey - 40: love. The second game goes much the same way as Spidey casually bends over, his arse only inches from Ade's face and squirts out one long fart which he eeks into 4 seperate pumps using exquisite control of his sphincter muscles. Ade's shouts of "Come on ref theres lumps in that" go ignored by the match official and Aaron wins the next game too. Spidey takes the first set 6 : love.

Nims: "As the players take a break after the first set I have to say Ade looks very uncomfortable today, I feel like Spidey's pumps may be too stinkey for him.

With the second set also going in Spidey's favour, it is not until the start of the third set Ade finally lets rip, a strong warm wind billows from his arse around the theatre blowing Aaron over so he tumbles backwards! What an amazing fart! It actually seems to have cleared away some of the lingering egginess too which I have to say is a relief.

"I haven't seen a fart like this since 1943" adds Grandma Joan.

Nims - " Yes but this only appears to have made Aaron even more determined, look at the expression on his face as he farts again and again and again. I bet Ade wishes he wasn't here at all. oh no in fact Ade is now retching quite violently and in fact it is over, Ade is now unfit to continue.

And so we now know the first finalist will be Aaron after this quite ruthless display. We now must wait to see if he will play Tony or Nick in the final.

Aussie Rules Tennis Tournament underway in Ulpster

The stage is set for some fantastic farting tennis as we reach the semi-final stage in an enthralling Aussie Rules Tennis competition currently underway, the 'Ulpster Open'. For those who don’t know the rules refer here.

The first eye-watering, nose-running, semi final will be hotly contested by Ade the New Zealand Welterweight Champion 2006-7, versus Aaron the undefeated Scottish champion for 3 years running. It is anybodies guess who will win although bookies have made Aaron the slight favorite after an incredible display beating Uncle Jimmy easily in his quaterfinal match with an unstoppable onslaught of eggy boffs, this was despite Jim having eaten tons of peas pudding in his pre-match preparations. However Ade also looked impressive in his defeat of Aunty Linden and would probably have gone on to beat her even if she hadn't been disqualified for excessive lumps in her shots.

The other semi-final looks a bit more one sided with pre-tournament favourite Nick Butter-Dickos expected to easily beat old campaigner Tony. Tony generally prefers a defensive approach aiming to neutralize his opponent using air freshener spray rather than a standard offensive farting style. This has worked for him so far in this tournament against Steve in his first round match and then Naomi in the quarter final, but will it work against Nick? This is doubtful as Nick’s guts are said to be rank at the moment. It is well known that Nick holds the world record for sustaining one long fart whilst running around a pool table.

Stay tuned for live coverage of these enthralling semi-final matches coming up.

Aussie Rules Tennis

Aussie rules tennis is a game for all the family to play, and requires no expensive equipment at all! Instead of tennis balls and racquet, each player just needs a sphincter and some home made methane.

Scoring is exactly the same as for normal tennis (eg. 15 – Love; 30 – Love; 30 – 15 etc.) and is usually played over a single set, due to the arduous and taxing nature of the extreme effort required.

Rules

1. Each point must be detectable by the opponent, or independent witness – this can be by the audible volume or smell of the “shot”.

2. Any fart which has lumps in is classed as a foul shot and does not score.

3. Any player with ‘runs’ is disqualified – that’s Aussie rules cricket.

Playing Tips

• When playing in a crowded restaurant or pub where your opponent may not be able to hear your shot, try to ensure that someone adjacent to you is made aware of the point. Their visual or verbal disgust will ensure that the point is ‘detectable’ and consequently scores.
• Playing in a swimming pool or bath adds a visual aspect to point scoring with the bubbles produced.
• It is possible to ‘ace’ a game by careful arse control; noisily squeezing a series of individual points from a single large bowel-full of gas. (This technique is a must for any serious competition).
• Preparation for a match is a personal thing. For myself, I find that curry for lunch followed by curry for tea is good preparation for an early evening kick-off, but I know of other players who swear by dried dates or roast beef.

The top prize in Aussie Rules Tennis is the ‘Golden Ring’ trophy, (affectionately known as the ‘rusty bullet hole’). It is won by beating all-comers at infrequent family get-togethers.

Ade Fell
New Zealand Welterweight Aussie Rules Tennis Champion 2006-7

Shocking new research into farting

A shocking new study into farting in humans has been conducted at the University of Harvard and the results could have far reaching implications for all of us. Dr Nathaniel Inkpot BSc Phd ABc Def explains, "The idea of increasing output of gaseous emissions and smelly greenhouse gases in the species homo sapiens first came to me when I was holding down one of my research students in order to fart in her face as a joke. Crucially at that exact moment I let one of my specials eek out, I realised that this was the second or third time I had played this prank in the last half hour, a rate I had never previously achieved without consuming vast quantities of cabbage beforehand. You could say this was my Eureka moment, like when Newton fell out of an apple tree"

Farted during a game of Kick Off2

In order to test this theory we conducted our own investigations, starting off by holding the microscope up to ourselves. "The worst time was when my dad farted on my cousin's face during a Kick Off 2 tournament" recalled Aaron with a shudder, "I was just thankful it wasn't me. I don't recall how smelly it was but I would guess it was pretty rotten though, my dad tends to brew them for a long time, sometimes years."

Pickled egg

We then interviewed Nick, the current British and Commonwealth farting champion, to learn more on this fascinating subject. "When I'm training for a competition I eat lots of curry", he explained, "this is essential for the brewing process, the secret ingredient that really gives me an edge though is the pickled egg, I find one is usually more than sufficient. With this technique I have been able to sustain one long fart whilst running completely around a pool table one and a half times."

Silent but violent

It seems there are countless people with similar experiences too, take the case of Ms N of Glasgow whom we'll refer to as Naomi, farted, stank of eggs. It doesn't end there, Aimee Miriam, silent but violent. Mr Marcus, smells of Cheesey McCoys crisps. Wendy, loud and proud... If any of our readers has had a close encounter with farting or knows someone who has, we at the churnal would be very interested to hear about it.