founder member of the churnal speaks out

"i'm sick of all this nonsense about the churnal being finished. It is simply not true end ay fuckin story " said Aaron, founder member of the churnal, earlier this year.

End ay fuckin story

"There is some truth in the rumours about there being almost no stories being published though." he continued", a fact born out by the churnal archives which show very little posts for months on end. Aaron then picked a blade of grass and started making loud noises by holding it between his thumbs and blowing hard. Everytime we tried to ask more questions he blew louder. Then we left.

earthquake rocks ulpster

An earthquake rocked Ulpster in the early hours of this morning. Earthquake victim Matt Bigback who got caught in the middle of it had this to say, "eeee why aye ah was in ulpster when it geat happened and shite like that, and then suddenly I didn't really feel anything at all man. funnily enough i foundout later that was when it had happened like."

Emminent geologist Angus McFungus had a rather different and sobering view on the earthquake that hit Ulpster this morning. "I was pottering around in my lab chipping off a few bit of stones from a fossil fish i nabbed from Wendy and David's garden. Suddenly I felt a sensation so powerful it was almost detectable by a human being. I 'felt' it through my graphometer device which draws little wiggles on a bit of paper when wobles. I measured the peaks of the wobbles and found out that the earthquake had a magnitude and an epicentre and all that stuff.

We'll bring you more details as we find them. Please let us know any of your own experiences of this devastaing quake.

Splat champions interviewed

The churnal has delved deep the clique underworld of Splat, a game which originated on the sinclair spectrum. We have proudly located the two most prominent champions that have ever existed in the entire world. The formidable ADEYPOOP and the mysterious AF. These two players burst onto the scene in 2006 and still dominate the entire Top 10 of world record scores having dethroned Stompy and Kenty on their way to glory. Formerly favorite cousins, Adeypoop and AF are reputed to hate each others guts now the rivalry is so strong.

We spoke to AF first who told us of his anguish at being dethroned on that fateful day of 12 Oct 2006. "I don't want to talk about it" he said and turned his face away from us whilst sighing heavily. AF's skin glistened with sweat and emotion as finally he opened up like a river overflowing its banks. "I had been the champion ever since the 4th May 2006 when I reached level 23 and atained my score of 60690, STOMPY didn't know what hit him as my score totally blew him out of the water. Stompys' best was level 18 I think, it was one of the best times of my life when I reached number 1." Aaron was silent for a moment then continued... "That bastard, that fucking bastard! he was practising constantly and I never thought he'd do it but then he fucking well did and by that point I couldn't be arsed logging into Windows to play it anymore ...." AF turned away, the clock on the mantlepiece suddenly seeming to tick loudly in the uncomfortable silence that followed. Eventually Aaron broke the silence by muttering something about hating Microsoft and then started singing a little song he'd made up about Ubuntu.

Adeypoop, the reigning splat champion of the world was harder to track down having buggered off to the other side of the world but we did manage to get him on skype one morning. 'Every time i got close to his score that wee bugger seemed to pull another big one out the bag' said Ade whistfully, ' by big I mean really huge you know?' , Ade's kiwi accent sounded quite strong which surprised us. We couldn't tell at times what words he was saying for example he was pronouncing the vowels all wrong like saying beer feet instead of bare feet. Ade elaborated, "Then one day everything just seemed right and I went for it and I acheived it". Ade smiled a big smug grin and drank a large vodka martina shaken but not stirred in one gulp.

So what is in the future for these two giants of the computer world? Is there any truth in the rumours of a reunion playing Kick Off2? Aaron was quite frank in his response, 'I've moved on, yes splat is a proud part of my history, yes it hurts that adeypoop beat me, but i can hammer him at manic miner, TLL, assault cube... so he can fuck off. And I used to beat him as England versus Scotland in Kick Off2. He can have splat but I'll take everything else.

It was hard to tell what ade was saying due to all the jumbled up pronouciations but it seemed like he was bragging that noone will ever beat his score which has now stood for several years. Maybe he is right?

At this point Tony piped up, "I'm number one at the Atari ST version of Joust, the high score table i pinned on the wall next to my computer is conclusive proof."

You can see the current world splay highscore table by following this link - http://www.dbhut.com/splat.php

Ade's Philosophy Column

It's been a while, but I've been thinking about Descarte a lot recently, which according to his philosophy means I am. But what if I only think that I'm thinking about Descarte? does this mean that in reality I'm not or does it mean that I only think I am, or that I think I'm not. If I think I'm not that may in fact mean that I am.

If I think I am purely because I'm thinking am I not when I go to sleep? There again, if I think I'm not, does this mean I am, because I'm thinking or am I only thinking this?

I hope this has cleared things up for the plebs out there, I will deliberate more and keep the Churnal posted ..... OUCH! ..... I bit me bliddy tongue

Brown Medal

This years Ulpster Open was rather overshadowed by the Bejing Olympics however we can tell you that the brown medal has gone to Matty. Congratulations Matt. The runner up, Aaron shat his pants in the final and was therefore eliminated.



Pictured, left, Matt holding aloft the trophy and right, Aaron, who shat his pants

Tony's star discovered

Hello readers, welcome back to Ie churnal. Apologies for the recent absence of new content in this popular blog. I feel that I should explain the cause of this... you see what happened was our sinclair spectrum power supply suffered an irreparable hardware failure (after Natty conducted another of his experiments). Anyway to cut a long story short, we've been waiting for a replacement to appear in the Wick auctions for quite some time now which has taken rather longer than expected. However I'm delighted to say I finally found one last Wednesday and outbid everyone including Wullie Sinclair and Chaimig to get hold of one for the princely sum of 25 quid and 17 pence.

I managed to get some ace games bundled in with it too 'Ant attack' and 'Horace goes skiing', hows that for a bargain!!!! I'm afraid the acquisition of those games also explains the extra delay of a few days since I got the power supply fitted. Ow vow i'd forgotten how addictive Horace goes skiiing is!

Anyway of course its me your very own Toney McFellman ( recently appointed astronomer royale of Bower, Wick and the surrounding areas including Ulpster but excluding Lypster, Dunbeath and Latheron Wheel who still fall within Ade's juristiction). Anyway, I'm extremely proud to bring to the churnal some exciting news from the very cusp of Astronomy in a rare scoop for ie churnal.

I, Tony Fellman, have managed to discover a brand new star. I have consulted that guy off telly who wears a monocle and he agrees with me! At least I think it was him, anyway I'm sure 'new scientist' will soon be contacting me for an interview. But remember you heard it here first! I have to say I'm very proud of my discovery as I managed to spot it with my naked eye. I was using the refraction of the light bending right around the earth through the air in order to observe the southern skies above New Zealand when I suddenly noticed a star I hadn't seen before. It was quite faint and a sort of twinkling white colour. By counting the twinkles I have been able to estimate that the star has at least 8 Jupiter sized gas giants orbiting around it. Anyway, I shall keep you up to speed with any further observations I manage to observe.

Tony
x

Ade Missing!

Our resident nerd Ade is missing. He was last spotted in Glasgow early last week and is presumed lost. Aaron has been quoted as saying, "Yeah, i slept in and never got to say bye" and all Aden had to say was, "I miss my uncle Ade".

Aden has knocked up a quick sketch of him so if any of our readers spot him please contact us at the usual address. We are worried sick.