Gus' Cookery World - Last chance to eat

You know readers, I want to confide in you this week. I haven't told anyone this before but my biggest regret in life is that I never had the chance to eat the flesh of the Dodo. The late, famed dodo was a clumsy, pigeon-like bird, larger than a turkey which lived on the Indian Ocean island of Mauritius. Its flesh though tough and tasteless could have been spiced up somewhat with a bit of oregano. At least thats what I reckon. Alas this will never happen, the last dodos were killed in the 17th century by those jammy portuguese bastards. Now the dodo is extinct and so on and so forth I will never get to taste its tasteless flesh. Dammit! My heart aches with this tragedy of lost opportunity.

But fear not readers all is not lost, I did have the chance to eat the Kakapo which I always fully intended to do. This large flightless parrot, the Kakapo, is a tragic victim of a quickly changing environment and with danger rushing at it from all sides it's impossible not to love this bird.

The Kakapo was once widespread throughout New Zealand but there are now only 62 Kakapo left, well now actually only 61 hehehe. Having said that though I have to admit that on my recent hunting trip to New Zealand I felt quite sad when I wrang one's neck but after plucking out it's green feathers it just looked like any old meat from the supermarket and turned out to be quite nice, a bit like turkey actually. Anyway I figure that 61 birds would give me a good years worth of eating (or less if cooking for a family) of good healthy portions plus leftovers if I ever considered moving to New Zealand.

Gus' Cookery World

Woooo its me! Hiya folks.

Hold on two ticks while I consult my new PDA for my latest recipe ...

Hang on a minute ...

Aw bastarding hell... wait a minute... the buttons are awfully fiddley, sorry I can't remember which one switches it on. Dam and blast it.... Oh there it is ... Shit its gone again. Ha ha ha ha... anyway you know what? It doesn't matter I'll just wing it.



So er first get your arse over to Alaska because there you will find amongst the vast ice flows and frozen tundra miles and miles of emptiness in a godforsaken land. This is what I did recently and it is sooo worth it. I spent days which blurred into weeks wandering the lonely, haunted terrain, completely alone except for my little Inuit hobbit 'Pete Tong'. As the northern lights danced around the skies at night I discovered my manhood and then almost died of starvation.

And then a new recipe finally came to me! Let me proudly announce in a loud and sort of gruff tone that this might be one of my own particular favorite recipes yet. And guess what? I'm going to share it with you you lucky little chutney ferrits.

'Seal surprise'

First you need to select your preferred kitchen utensils to prepare the food. You will need a large club or mace and a cheese grater.

Select a friendly seal which hasn't developed a fear of humans and attack it with the club or cheese grater. When I do this I go into a frenzy which I don't remember afterwards so don't be surprised if the same happens to you. When I gaze down at the corpse of the dumb animal I feel pangs of remorse and guilt and so hide the corpse under the snow making sure to remove all traces of the kill, its the same as the way squirrels bury acorns really. The neat thing about this is that the meat is then stored just as if its in a freezer and should keep really well. I had to leave the carcasses in situ this time, but as I said they should keep for a while, then you can make a nice stew or perhaps a roast and if you don't fancy using the seal meat you have prepared you can go and buy some chicken or beef to use instead. Mmmmm.

Gus' cookery column

Ohm___ ohm____ ohm____ ohm_____

Hi Gus here, I've just returned from another trip of seven weeks in Tibet and I have to say I really think I connected with the oneness of the himalayan wilderness on this occasion. The magnificence and sheer nature of it all makes one feel small and utterly in awe. But also connected to the whole world and all living things.

Whilst in the mountains with my valient sherpa 'Pete Tong', I researched the most fabulous traditional recipes which I have modified, turned on their heads, added a sprinkle of my own 'Gus magic', a touch of Yak's milk and a dash of offal. And I am proud to bring to you now, my own version of an old tibetan favorite dish.

The first stage in the preparation of this tasty dish is perhaps the trickiest, the task of getting fresh offal. Now, in the himalayas I was using Llama's guts and entrails, Yaks' gizzards and rat's brains and spleens. But here in the north of Scotland I have found that Icelandic ponies make a very tasty substitute and can supply all of the above ingredients or at least an approximation of them.

The easiest way to hunt the ingredients is to coax them over with polo mints or an apple. For this dish I decided Saraday looked like the one with the leanest meat. So I wandered over to the field all casual like, and called the horse over towards me. Once these ingredients were in range I shot it with my air rifle. Unfortunatley I had misjudged the calibre of weapon required for a clean kill and only succeeded in enraging the poor animal. I have to confess that for me, this is easily one of the hardest parts to this particular recipe, I have a huge respect for these animals.

Anyway, Saraday reared up in the air kicking his forelegs and snorting in anger. So, feeling unsure what to do next I picked up a sizeable rock and chucked it at the frenzied animal, which bounced hard off its ribcage. Unfortunately this also failed to kill the beast and if possible only served to make it even angrier. After shooting it another couple of times with the air rifle I reluctantly decided that plan B was called for. Heading back into the kitchen I found some cheddar and made a delicious cheese on toast.

Gus' late night fridge raid

Friends, readers and countrymen, Gus the pus the diddle iddle us here once again with a slightly different cookery column this time. I thought that as its just past christmas there might still be a few left overs in your fridges needing using up. Here's how...

Once your wife or partner has gone to sleep in the wee hours of the night, sneek through to your kitchen. Without turning on any lights open the fridge door so that you are standing bathed in the dim light of the fridge interior light. Next crouch down with your head right inside the fridge opening and take a deep inhale. This will get your taste buds in the mood for whats to follow, a gluttonous orgy of leftovers consumption! The deep inhale also serves another purpose to alert you in case anything has gone bad in there, in which case try to hold your breath for the remainder of this phase of the operation.

Now I realise that everyones fridges are different so I will describe one of my late night raids from last Thursday, maybe it'll give you some inspiration for your own fridge raid.

First of all grab some bread, I like 'mighty white' myself but Mel rarely buys me it. Anyway, next look for any containers covered over with saucers or tupperwares and examine the contents by eating handfulls of whatever is inside. In mine last Thursday I found some bits of chicken skin in one tupperware with a few fragments of stuffing too - Jackpot! In the next one there was some fairly dry mashed potatoe - You Beauty! Next you want lots of wholegrain mustard, layer that in thick, then you'll need a couple of slices of every kind of cheese there is in there. Get that in there, doesn't matter how many types you put, the more the better. Last Thursday I had 4 dairy lea triangles, cheddar with apricot, some dry edam that had to be finished off and a sprinkling of parmasan.

To finish off put a bit of buttered bread on top and either eat cold or bung it in the microwave for a couple of seconds. If choosing the latter, you are aiming for it to cooked unevenly with some cold regions in it for the perfect snack. If you want pudding you can always have a jam and sugar sandwich with a digestive bicuit in the middle.

Gus' Cookery Tips

You know when you've been drinking slightly beer-heavy shandies all evening and suddenly you go into munchie overdrive?

Chortle... Snort.... HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oops, the ed told me to cut out the rhetorical question stuff after the last entry. Snigger... I just couldn't help myself. Heh, heh.

Okay, deep breaths, compose yourself Gus. Right, as I was saying, these late night munchie sessions can be a haven for creative culinary discoveries and I'm going to share with you some of my finest moments.

First off, to set the scene for taste sensation number one, I love biscuits. When I was a young lad and my mum went out I'd be straight in about the food cupboard. A biscuit eating frenzy would ensue until the the whole packet was finished. I'd have to go out to buy a new packet and then eat one biscuit from it. That way I could tell my mum that I'd had a biscuit while she was out. Anyway, on with the recipes...

Taste sensation number one....

Get yourself one glass of strawberry flavoured milk. I use a powder that has a cartoon rabbit on the box because I like to imagine I'm drinking rabbits. Next get yourself some cream crackers and dunk them into the pink milk. Devour the dunked cracker and like magic your mouth is filled with the flavour of those pink wafer biscuits from your childhood.

Taste sensation number two...

For this you will need some cheddar cheese, a bowl and a microwave. I call it a cheese crunch. Grate or crumble enough cheese to cover the bottom of the bowl well. Stick it into the microwave on high for a couple of minutes till it goes hard and crunchy with just a touch of chewiness in the middle. Scoff it down as is and you won't be disappointed though personally I like a wee dab of mustard on mine.

Finally, taste sensation number three...

Get yourself a packet of Super Noodles. Before you open it break it up a little bit, I tend to aim for between 8 & 12 pieces. Next get the flavour sachet. Open it and the noodles packet, pour exactly one third of the flavouring into the noodles. Hold the noodle packet closed and shake vigorously for a minute or so. Now eat the noodles as if they were a packet of crisps... Scrumptious!

Till next time readers... munch on!

Gus' Cookery Tips

Move over Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay you big pair of poofs. Theres a new kid on the block, yes me Gus. On the chef's block I mean. If chefs have blocks? I must look that up on Wikipedia, do chef's have blocks?

I must say I'm very happy to be back with ie Churnal after a few years interlude in which I lived in Tibet, seven years in Tibet it was. I perfected a lovely stew whilst living there called Yak Stew. Anyway I've fretted for several weeks about this article, seven weeks in fact. Do you believe in numerology? Don't answer that was a rhetorical question. I even made a powerpoint presentation which I can email anyone whos interested, it had seven slides in it, but anyway that is a digression. Mental note: Focus on the task in hand, which this week, in fact every week-ish, or when I can be bothered, I'll share recipes and tips. So what have I come up with for this week? ...

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Anyone? ....

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That wasn't a rhetorical question, I'm still awaiting an answer....

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Ha ha ha ha ha yes it was a rhetorical question. So what have I come up with? Well I'll tell you what I've come up with this week I want to present Gus' Pastry. Now then in order to make a nice fluffy pastry of the right consistency you need about 100 grams of flowers, I find dandilions a bit on the tart side and if you pick them you wet the bed so don't go near them. That was tip #1. Ha ha ha ha ha oh my... sorry I just remembered the joke earlier that I made about expecting an answer to a rhetorical question, ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee...

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Where was I? Ha ha ha ha there I go again, don't answer that rhetorical question either! Oh my! So before I pee myself laughing lets get back to Gus' pastry. Tip number two grind up some salt using a nice sturdy fossil hammer and add that to the flowers, next get a nice healthy knob of butter. Yes I did say 'knob' of butter, that is perfectly acceptable terminology in cooking circles. No it is, me and Jamie Oliver often compare our knobs of butter for size, thickness and consistency. I use around a 3 inch knob myself and recommend you do likewise - tip #3 there. You can remember it like this, tip 3 = 3 inches see? That was tip 4 but doesn't really count as not regarding cooking, more regarding memory. But handy anyway I think, hence including it.

Then using your knee, kneed the flower and the cock of butter until it reaches the consistency of breadcrumbs. Tip numero cinco (means Tip 5). I always find this difficult myself but worth perservering, use either left or right knee. At this stage you might be thinking, wait a minute I wanted pastry not this breadcrumbs stuff. Well don't worry because there is a final bit of magic add just a poquito (tiny bit) of water and then get your knees ready for plenty more kneeding action until you have pastry. Now there is a danger here that your hands get all clogged up with sticky pastry, it can be murder as I know from experience. It always happens to me and I shout and shout and flail my clogged up hands all over putting sticky hand prints on the couch and curtains, until Mel comes and frees my hands from the sticky pastry. Someone said you can put flowers on your hands to avoid this common problem but I don't bother with that, I'm a bit of a purist see?

So that concludes how do make Gus' Pastry, the only thing left to do is whack it in the oven until its like a big hard ball mmm I can smell some that I made earlier now. Happy Pastry.

Gus