Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers. I promised in my last column that I would have tales of a more exotic nature and let me tell you now, you will not be disappointed. Having spent the past week watching the 'Discovery Channel' from my bed (thanks to another bloody spider bite), I became enchanted with the idea of visiting the Far East.

This trip was a biggie and needed some major preparation so I took the phone off the hook, closed all the curtains and started planning. I chose a yellow sun-like sticker and placed it on the kitchen table beside my travel map, awaiting my return. With regards to clothing, I knew that the Far East has monsoons so my green wellington boots were a must, along with my scotch-guarded brown cords and my trusty cagoule.

At 5pm I left the house and made the epic fifteen meter trip to the top of my street. Suddenly my blood ran cold. I could hear the Green Cross Code Man's warnings echoing around my head, “...don't cross the road at a corner, find a safe place... don't cross the road on a corner, find a....”, I grabbed my phone and dialled Maria. Would you believe it? I'd forgotten to hang the phone up before I left the house! With no way of getting help and too far into my adventure to turn back, I took a deep breath... it was time for me to become a man!

glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal

I found a safe spot between two parked cars, counted to three and ran into the road with my arms flailing above my head. What a feeling it was getting to the opposite pavement, there were cars beeping encouragement and everything, nothing could stop me now. I rounded the corner and made my way up the street until I was standing outside the Far East Chinese take-away. My heart sank as I tried the door and found it locked. Slumping to the ground I buried my head in my hands. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of something out the corner of my eye, it was amazing, a miracle! Just two doors down from the Far East, glittering in the moonlight was the Taj Mahal Indian take-away.

Inside it was even more impressive than it had looked on the telly and the service couldn't have been better. I ordered my chips and chose the home delivery option. After 10 minutes my chips were ready and the nice delivery man came to take me home. My best adventure yet and the icing on the cake was being able to add not just one, but two new stickers to my map.

Ade x.

Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers, I'm back with some more travel tales that'll blow your mind and turn you green with envy. I would have written a column before now but around a month ago I caught a nasty tropical bug whilst out exploring. A week after my trip to the supermarket I was still buzzing and eager to add more stickers to my travel map. The only thing for it was to plan an even more daring expedition into the very heart of the urban jungle... the town centre! Days of preparation ensued and eventually I was ready to go. I had my maroon cagoule, my lime bum-bag and my hi-tec silver shadow hiking boots. I even ate an aspirin before I left, just in case I came across any malaria ridden midges.

The trip into town went very well. My only concern had been which way to go at the bottom of my street. I knew that I had to turn either left or right, but which way was it? My entire adventure depended on this decision. Against all the odds I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow explorer who could help me with my predicament. Some confusion arose when it transpired that the right direction was left. I thought that the right way would always be right but incredibly it seems not to be the case. After rephrasing the directions a few times the nice gentleman eventually took me by the shoulders, turned me round and with a gentle shove I was on my way.

It wasn't long before the first shops came into view and minutes of trekking later I arrived at the legendary pedestrianised precinct. My heart was pounding so hard with all the excitement that I honestly thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I think the only thing that stopped it from doing so was the dawning realisation that I really needed a number 2.

The excitement quickly turned to blind panic so I did what I always do in these situations and phoned my wife Maria. As usual she was fantastic and thanks to her calmly given directions I was at a public toilet in no time. I don't need to go into details regarding my sending of brown trout back to the sea but when I was finished things took a turn for the worse.

I couldn't leave the toilet and felt dizzy any time I even thought about leaving. My first thoughts were that I'd caught something nasty from the toilet seat so I called Maria again. She was there in five minutes to take me home and when we got back she put me to bed where I remained for close to a month.

The doctor diagnosed the bug as agoraphobia so it seems that it was a toilet spider biting me that caused my illness. I'm just glad I took that aspirin before I left or it could have been fatal. The good news is that I'm all better now and back adventuring so check back soon for tales of my trips to ever more exotic locations.

Ade x

Directions to Tony's House

One of the old articles in the Churnal is easily due an update as the old directions are ten years out of date now and what with all the old roads being demolished to make way for high rise buildings and monster Retail Parks, and new roads being integrated, the landscape has changed out of all recognition. The old directions are just not reliable. Plus I have moved half way across the world which changes things somewhat.

1. Have someone book a flight to Heathrow and a hire car on arrival. I can't stress enough how important it is for someone responsible to carry out the first step as it is easily the most difficult. As an indication of how important this is, the last time I asked my wife (who is usually very trustworthy), to book our flight to New Zealand the journey took over a year. Most of it was taken up with airport transfers, actual flight time came to less than 12 hours probably.

2. Taxi to the airport.

3. After landing at Heathrow drive West to the M25 and leave at A1

4. Follow the A1 as far as you can, then switch to the A9

5. Follow the A9 until you reach a T junction, take a right, then a left, then right, then left to the top of the hill. (If like me you have trouble with your left and right and you turn the wrong way at the junction you will not end up at Tony's house, one trick I have found to evercome this is to tie a bit of string on your right hand, check with the wife before you tie it on, otherwise you could be tying it on the wrong hand. Then the directions will be . . . . At the T junction, take a string, then a no-string, then a string, then no-string to the top of the hill) Now, if you reach another T juntion you have gone too far, but don't despair, there is an easy way to get back on track. Follow the signs to Wick. Then follow the signs to Inverness, but don't go all the way. You will come to a roundabout which you must go fully round and then follow step 5 again (many's the time I have done this myself, how I laughed when I found I had done it three times in a row.)

Ade x

Ade's Travel Column

Hi folks. Many years have passed since my various columns and articles in Ie Ulpster Churnal. So much has changed in my life but one constant in the intervening years has been my love of travel.

A prime example was last Monday when I travelled to the supermarket. All by myself, I might add! I was dead chuffed as I only needed to phone my wife Maria once to ask for directions. Well actually it was twice but that was only because I forgot what she said the first time so it doesn't really count. I'll also admit that she had to come and take me home after I had purchased my pot noodle and white loaf but that was only because it's really hard to keep your sense of direction in such a big store and I got a bit scared. The main thing is that I got there and can add a new sticker to my travel map... woo hoo!!

Actually, last week was a great week for travelling. I went to my bed on Wednesday with Maria. I was telling her all about computer programming and stuff. Mysteriously, she fell asleep just as I got to the really interesting bit about 'print statements'. It was funny because I could sort of see her blinking even though her eyes were closed but no matter how much I gently nudged her with my elbow and whispered “are you awake?”, she wouldn't stir. Anyway, I thought I would try to do some meditation which I had learned all about last year on my travels to the living room from this really wise old mystic telly.

I was lying there for ages with my eyes shut when suddenly my body started to vibrate! The next thing I knew I was rising out of my body, tethered only by a sort of umbilical cord of light. As I floated towards the ceiling it dawned on me that I must be astral projecting and that I could conceivably travel anywhere that I wanted. Now as those who know me can testify, I have always wanted to check out my loft so I floated right through my bedroom roof and into what can only be described as a secret room of untold mystery. I must have been up there for hours floating and pottering around before I woke up in my bed with my alarm clock ringing. As you would imagine I sprang out of bed and immediately added a really cool lime green sticker to my travel map.

I've not done much travelling since then, excluding the odd expedition to the toilet and kitchen table, but I can assure you I will embark on more adventures than Willard Price can shake a shitty stick at or I will personally give you your money back. I have a whole pad of stickers and my sticker peeling finger is just itching to add to my map so keep checking back for more of my fantastic travel tales.

Ade x