Ade's Travel Column

Hi readers, I'm back with some more travel tales that'll blow your mind and turn you green with envy. I would have written a column before now but around a month ago I caught a nasty tropical bug whilst out exploring. A week after my trip to the supermarket I was still buzzing and eager to add more stickers to my travel map. The only thing for it was to plan an even more daring expedition into the very heart of the urban jungle... the town centre! Days of preparation ensued and eventually I was ready to go. I had my maroon cagoule, my lime bum-bag and my hi-tec silver shadow hiking boots. I even ate an aspirin before I left, just in case I came across any malaria ridden midges.

The trip into town went very well. My only concern had been which way to go at the bottom of my street. I knew that I had to turn either left or right, but which way was it? My entire adventure depended on this decision. Against all the odds I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow explorer who could help me with my predicament. Some confusion arose when it transpired that the right direction was left. I thought that the right way would always be right but incredibly it seems not to be the case. After rephrasing the directions a few times the nice gentleman eventually took me by the shoulders, turned me round and with a gentle shove I was on my way.

It wasn't long before the first shops came into view and minutes of trekking later I arrived at the legendary pedestrianised precinct. My heart was pounding so hard with all the excitement that I honestly thought it was going to burst out of my chest. I think the only thing that stopped it from doing so was the dawning realisation that I really needed a number 2.

The excitement quickly turned to blind panic so I did what I always do in these situations and phoned my wife Maria. As usual she was fantastic and thanks to her calmly given directions I was at a public toilet in no time. I don't need to go into details regarding my sending of brown trout back to the sea but when I was finished things took a turn for the worse.

I couldn't leave the toilet and felt dizzy any time I even thought about leaving. My first thoughts were that I'd caught something nasty from the toilet seat so I called Maria again. She was there in five minutes to take me home and when we got back she put me to bed where I remained for close to a month.

The doctor diagnosed the bug as agoraphobia so it seems that it was a toilet spider biting me that caused my illness. I'm just glad I took that aspirin before I left or it could have been fatal. The good news is that I'm all better now and back adventuring so check back soon for tales of my trips to ever more exotic locations.

Ade x