Gus' Cookery Tips

Move over Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay you big pair of poofs. Theres a new kid on the block, yes me Gus. On the chef's block I mean. If chefs have blocks? I must look that up on Wikipedia, do chef's have blocks?

I must say I'm very happy to be back with ie Churnal after a few years interlude in which I lived in Tibet, seven years in Tibet it was. I perfected a lovely stew whilst living there called Yak Stew. Anyway I've fretted for several weeks about this article, seven weeks in fact. Do you believe in numerology? Don't answer that was a rhetorical question. I even made a powerpoint presentation which I can email anyone whos interested, it had seven slides in it, but anyway that is a digression. Mental note: Focus on the task in hand, which this week, in fact every week-ish, or when I can be bothered, I'll share recipes and tips. So what have I come up with for this week? ...

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Anyone? ....

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That wasn't a rhetorical question, I'm still awaiting an answer....

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Ha ha ha ha ha yes it was a rhetorical question. So what have I come up with? Well I'll tell you what I've come up with this week I want to present Gus' Pastry. Now then in order to make a nice fluffy pastry of the right consistency you need about 100 grams of flowers, I find dandilions a bit on the tart side and if you pick them you wet the bed so don't go near them. That was tip #1. Ha ha ha ha ha oh my... sorry I just remembered the joke earlier that I made about expecting an answer to a rhetorical question, ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee...

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Where was I? Ha ha ha ha there I go again, don't answer that rhetorical question either! Oh my! So before I pee myself laughing lets get back to Gus' pastry. Tip number two grind up some salt using a nice sturdy fossil hammer and add that to the flowers, next get a nice healthy knob of butter. Yes I did say 'knob' of butter, that is perfectly acceptable terminology in cooking circles. No it is, me and Jamie Oliver often compare our knobs of butter for size, thickness and consistency. I use around a 3 inch knob myself and recommend you do likewise - tip #3 there. You can remember it like this, tip 3 = 3 inches see? That was tip 4 but doesn't really count as not regarding cooking, more regarding memory. But handy anyway I think, hence including it.

Then using your knee, kneed the flower and the cock of butter until it reaches the consistency of breadcrumbs. Tip numero cinco (means Tip 5). I always find this difficult myself but worth perservering, use either left or right knee. At this stage you might be thinking, wait a minute I wanted pastry not this breadcrumbs stuff. Well don't worry because there is a final bit of magic add just a poquito (tiny bit) of water and then get your knees ready for plenty more kneeding action until you have pastry. Now there is a danger here that your hands get all clogged up with sticky pastry, it can be murder as I know from experience. It always happens to me and I shout and shout and flail my clogged up hands all over putting sticky hand prints on the couch and curtains, until Mel comes and frees my hands from the sticky pastry. Someone said you can put flowers on your hands to avoid this common problem but I don't bother with that, I'm a bit of a purist see?

So that concludes how do make Gus' Pastry, the only thing left to do is whack it in the oven until its like a big hard ball mmm I can smell some that I made earlier now. Happy Pastry.

Gus