Aunty Mel kidnapped

Shocking events unfolded in Ulpster yesterday evening as Aunty Mel was kidnapped by what is reputed to be a 20 foot tall tardigrade. According to eyewitnesses the whole ground shook with the footsteps of the giant beast as it stomped across the fields in the direction of ie Cairn o' Get carrying Aunty Mel in its clutches. Lobsterman Davie managed to take this photo of the approaching creature minutes before it disappeared over the horizon taking Aunty Mel with it.

Aunty Mel played god with nature

Opinion is divided on this incident, with some experts believing that Mel has continued her experiments on these creatures in secret and discovered the gene that normally surpresses their growth. If this is true then she probably played god and tampered with the gene in an experiment now gone horribly wrong. Others believe the neepie docker David from Lypster may have created a growth hormone in his shed and infected this tardigrade with it. Some nutty conspiracy theorists even speculate that Mel has created this tardigrade deliberately with the intention of using it to demolish a local windfarm which has been constructed on the hill fort.

Conspiracy, three aunties disappear in one week

After the disappearance of 3 aunties within the space of a week; First Val being swallowed whole by a sea cucumber, then Wendy sucked into the sky by aliens and now this tardigrade kidnapping - many people are beginning to wonder if these events can be regarded as coincidence or is something more sinister going on? The only surviving aunty, Aunty Linden is said to be concerned about the situation.

Freyja the Slayer

Hundreds of people have rushed to Ulpster to see an icelandic pony defy its herbivore nature by eating live rabbits.

Crofter Angus Sprite said he discovered the horse's strange behaviour almost a year ago when Freyja stood on a rabbit and broke its back,as the rabbit tried to struggle away Freyja lifted it up in her mouth and started trying to chew it.

Icelandic pony eats rabbits

Mel Sprite told us, "Angus had to rescue the poor thing off her and dispatch it painlessly.
What a little bugger! Perhaps I was witnessing evolution in action, herbivores changing into carnivores!"

After that incident Angus realised the potential of using horses to kill rabbits and began to train them to this end.

However, the same horse has reportedly also been eating chickens from a nearby poultry farm, "We were shocked to see that pony sneak up to the coop, it caught a little chick like a jungle cat and gobbled it up alive in seconds.", said poultry farmer Mr O'Brien.

Hoof-lickin' good

A police superintendent in nearby Wick said hundreds of people have been flocking to the croft in Ulpster, with a veterinarian also called in to investigate. "If I had not seen the horse chewing up a rabbit, I could not believe it," said the superintendent.

As Angus casually tossed a few more dead rabbits into the field for his horses to eat, he proudly told us his horse has now been named Freyja the Slayer due to it's habit of slaying rabbits.

Newsflash

Pupils at a school near Uplster were astonished this week to witness first hand one of their teachers near-death experience.

Mrs Sprite had agreed to invigilate an exam, totally unaware of what fate had in store for her. Several pupils were of the opinion that the incident was just an unfortunate accident, while the silent majority thought it may have been a prank which got out of hand. Mrs Sprite however agreed that the collapse of her chair in the examination hall was an accident and insisted it was nothing at all to do with the stress the chair suffered.

When asked about her injuries, Mrs Sprite replied, "Why man, ah could'a been killed! As it happens I got off quite canny, ah bit me tongue like, and nearly drew blood, and I hurt me coccyx, but worst of all, I severely bruised me ego!"

Interview with Mel Sprite - part2

Churnal: In our previous interview you told us about your discovery of a beetle new to science! How did this discovery change your life?

Mel: Well first off, ah want to get something off me chest. You made me owt to be dead geordie in that last interview! Ah just want to say ah don't think ah speak like that in real life. Ah've lived in Scotland most of me life am sure most people would say I have a Scottish accent nowadays. Its not nice to distort the truth like that, you churnal people should be ashamed! Still ah don't mind really cos at least you stuck to the facts n that.

Churnal: Really sorry about that Mel, no offence was intended at all but we do try to make sure we get our facts right.

Mel: None taken man, none taken. Just thought ah'd mention it ye knaa. So, yeah it changed me life dramatically discovering that beetle. It wasn't long before deals were coming in for TV shows and that. With all the money rolling in from that ah went out and fullfilled me life's dream by buying me first pony. I imported it from Shetland. It almost drowned during the crossing, luckily by kicking extra hard with my fins I managed to keep its head above water all the way to Caithness. Horses aren't really good swimmers you see - except for sea horses. Ah loved that horse. It was called Star, named after the girl in the Lost Boys film.

Churnal: That's really interesting. We've heard you now have several icelandic horses on your estate, living in a magical forest.

Mel: Ha ha ha magical forest. Its not really 'that' magical but yeah I do. They are called Freyaday, Saraday, Prins and Drotningday. Eventually ah want to get one for every day of the week so that ah can rotate them on a daily basis. But its been great getting to know them and studying their psychology and that. You can imagine how hard its been getting them all the way from Iceland though! I consider myself to be a bit of a horse whisperer these days, except sometimes ah have to shout at them. Me husband has been training them to kill rabbits.

Churnal: So is it fair to say that horses are your main focus now, scientifically speaking?

Mel: Yeah as far as me research goes, I'm planning to cross-breed equus caballus with equus unicornus, which we get running around our forest. Equus is the genus name for horses and their close relatives ye knaa. There can be many species in a genus. Equus unicornus is otherwise known as the common unicorn of Eastern Caithness.

Churnal: Wow that sounds amazing. You are going to cross breed horses with unicorns?

Mel: Well its not that amazing really, although I don't think it has been done yet with horses and unicorns, so it would be another first for science and another ambition fullfilled for me and it wouldn't do my reputation any harm. But there are many other examples of this kind of work around for example the common or garden 'mule' is simply a cross between an equus asinus and an equus caballus, or an ass and an arse, if I remember right.

Churnal: But we thought unicorns were mythical creatures?

Mel: Yeah so did me husband and I, but it turns out there are loads of them running around large as life in our forest.

Churnal: Unicorns?

Mel: Yeah little unicorns, with little horns in their little heads, aw they're so beautiful, they look just like little roe deer ye knaa.

Churnal: So whats the actual difference between unicorns and roe deer?

Mel: Eeee you know what? Ah don't know, ah'll have to look it up. You've got me there. Ah think its something to do with the number of horns they have n that. Of course in real life unicorns bear little resemblence to those portrayed by legend. Just as in real life mermaids are actually fairly ugly creatures called manatees.

Churnal: Well unfortunatley thats time up for this interview, once again its been a real honour to speak to you and thanks again for your time Mel. Goodbye

An exclusive interview with Mel Sprite Bsc Hons - Part 1

It is over 10 years since the last interview Melanie Sprite gave, which was shown live on channel 4 in the UK. Despite the constant clamour from the public to know more about this extraordinary person, Mel has shunned the spotlight preferring to live a quiet life on her country estate in the middle of a magical forest in Ulpster. Now we are truly privileged to bring a rare, new interview with the world renowned naturalist, Mel Sprite exclusive to our readers. Here is part one of our interview.

Churnal: What has made you decide to come back into the public eye after such a long time away?

Mel: Well, when I was a eager student in me younger days, I was intent on becoming the worlds leading authority in tardigrades. They are those little bloody animals that live in moss and in between grains of sand ye knaa? Anyway, I had this dream of discovering a new one which would be resistant to all forms of disease and which I planned to cross breed with higher forms of life such as woodlice from the group Isopoda and ultimately with mankind, ye knaa and cure diseases and that.

Churnal: I see, er did you make any progress in this noble aim?

Mel: Sorry ah just realised I didn't answer your question. Eee sorry about that, ah'd say purple like heather in summer is me favorite colour man hinny.

Churnal: I see thank you. Can you continue telling us about tardigrades?

Mel: No a divvent think theres much more yardage in that suffice to say that it didn't work out in the end man, most of the subjects that ah cross-bred died within a couple of hours. I decided to abandon that research and focus on the oriditus alpinus beetle which I'm sure you've heard of. I discovered the oriditus alpinus beetle in a loch in Caithness. I was diving down to a depth of about 40m doing a routine hunt for fauna and using all the skills I learned at Thurso sub aqua, when I first saw it. I instantly recognised that it must be new to science, as it loomed up through the muddy, murky water towards me. You see beetles known before then had neva been discovad at such great depths cos they need ta breath just like you or I man. Also its geet like massive? Its like a yard in length, with jaws like pincers that can cut through butter when its hard like straight out the fridge, not when its melted a bit.

Churnal: Gosh what happened then?

Mel: Nothin much really, ah fought with it until ah was almost out of air. It was trying to bite the air tubes connecting my mouth to the scuba equipment and almost succeeded except that ah managed to grab hold of its jaws with my hands and force it to keep its mandibles open. In the struggle ah dropped me flashlight and had to continue grappling this murderous beast in the pitch black murky scottish waters. It was using all six of its legs to kick me, as we all know, the legs of insects and myriapods are uniramous. Of course the mesofemur is the femur of the second pair of legs, and the protarsus is the tarsus of the first pair of legs.

Churnal: Well we know that you survived because you are here today...

Mel:No it got me good and proper like, eventually ah think it came down to who had the greater will to survive me or it. The oriditus alpinus eventually became weakened and ah was able to grip it tight to me body in a bear hug and kick me way back to the surface. The only problem was in the dark ah didn't know which way was up, it was quite a predicament. But ah found me way in the end, cos am here now aren't ah?

Churnal: Yes indeed you are

Mel:Why aye. And that was how a made me name. After that it was easy to get sponsorship for further expeditions into the lochs of the Caithness flow country. You wouldn't believe some of the hazards ah had to face from water scorpions and carnivorous plants that actually eat flesh. They live in the bottomless sphagnum bogs up near ie hill fort. But thats another story for another day.

Churnal: Thank you