Hitchcock Horror at Lypster Farm

In scenes reminiscent of the Hitchcock film 'The Birds', tin whistle and jaw harp teacher Aimee Feel was savagely attacked on a farm just south of Lypster.

Wendy McCoy (73), had brought daughter Aimee to have a ride on her horse 'Joffer'. Moments after entering the stables to fetch the horse she heard a blood curdling scream followed by some frantic girlie shrieks from the paddock. She dashed outside to see what the fuss was... Aimee had locked herself in her car which was surrounded by dozens of agitated chickens and menacing turkeys. Wendy looked on with mild amazement as she saw the biggest, ugliest turkey scramble onto the bonnet of the car and start pecking the windscreen, seemingly aiming for her daughters eyes!

After gently shooing the birds away Wendy tried to calm Aimee down and persuade her to come out and see Joffer but in the end had to take her home for a cup of cocoa and a nap.

Wendy commented, "I've never seen them act like that before... either they were smelling her fear or she's done one of her her trademark corn farts."

Aimee was unavailable for comment.

Matt’s Guide to Public Transport

Hold on to you're hats folks... ie Churnal is proud to present our latest contributor, South Shields special correspondent, Matt the Hat...

We’re all being told to go green and dump our cars and use public transport. However, if you are not prepared for what is out there, you will not survive.

Lesson 1: The Seating Race

If you are travelling on public transport, you will want to get a seat. There are three things you can do to get a seat:

1) Fake a limp
2) Run towards the seat at full pelt, pushing past people
3) Pulling someone out of their seat

The first, the sympathy method, is only effective if you aren’t on a bus or train full of hard-arsed drunk football fans.

The second, the bulldozer method, gets you a seat at the cost of respect from fellow passengers.

The final method, the “ASBO” method, is risky. Not only could the person you are pulling from the seat punch your lights out, but the rest of the bus or train might take their side, and cause you some problems.

Lesson 2: Standing

Should you fail to obtain a seat, you will have to stand. Without learning how to stand correctly, you could end up in the lap of a drunken football fan who might just knock your block off.

You must do three things to make sure you stay standing:

1) Hold on to anything you can
2) Watch the path of the vehicle
3) Use your waist as a counterweight

Holding on to a bar will restrict your movement should the vehicle make any sharp jerks. Keep an eye on the road or track ahead, and plan ahead for any bumps or jerks. Finally, swing your waist in the opposite direction to the turn.

Lesson 3: Getting off

It is important not to miss your stop, so you must get close to the door of the vehicle just before you are due to get off. If you are on a bus, press the bell ONCE (any more and the driver’s irritation levels go through the roof and he makes you miss your stop). If it is a train, get near the door and make sure you get off before the doors start to close, otherwise you may end up being dragged down the line, only to be flattened by a tunnel wall or another train.

Silver Wedding Party Scuffle

A scuffle very nearly broke out at a family gathering in Scarborough recently, the consequences of which could have been extremely serious. One of the guests apparently called Tony (also a guest at the party) a name!

Witness to the incident Nick Boutros said, "I could see the veins on Tony's temple throbbing, he was obviously very taken aback and I readied myself to intervene, luckily, Tony regained his composure remarkably quickly, I think I was the only one who noticed. After a tense moment or two, the guest retreated with no visible wounds." When asked what name Tony had been called, Nick refused to elucidate.

Ie Churnal reporter tracked Tony down to his hideaway near Ulpster and confronted him. At first he was evasive but eventually commented, "I don't know what all the fuss is about, all my life I've occasionally been called Steve, it's not a problem for me, but I could see that Nick was getting agitated and I was prepared to intervene but he quickly regained his composure."

All efforts by our reporter to find the errant guest failed, but we're still searching!

Seamus's Apple Report

I think the Apple Lady is giving me second hand apples now.

The latest batch of apples came from the Summer Fields Orchard again but they had a sticker on saying "Red Uced", the funny thing is though, they were green apples, what's with that?

Anyway, I'm happy to confirm the quality was acceptable, and as a bonus I managed to snaffle the toy pony's apple too ... Oh joy!

30 PRINT "MARCUS' PROGRAMMING TIPS"

Welcome back Ulbster Journal readers. Once again its time to dust off your keyboards, switch on your CPU's and get back to some extreme programming with me. Actually I just reused some old code to produce this weeks column, I've changed the name though and just picked any old text at random for my display variables. Believe it or not these completely different programs all produce a very similar result!!!

Java
String message = new String( "Naomi is a geek" );
System.out.println( message );

Perl
$message = "Naomi is a geek\n";
print $message;

Python
message = "Naomi is a geek"
print message

REBOL
message: "Naomi is a geek"
print message

Scheme
(define message "Naomi is a geek\n")
(display message)

Small Ads

FOR SALE
1 pair of Boxing Gloves. Excellent condition, hardly used.
Please reply to Box UJ1 at the usual address.

Uncle Jimmy


WANTED
My cup of coffee. I left it in the Sitting Room to reach its optimum drinking temperature and it disappeared, I want it back asap.

Uncle Jonathan


LOST
1 pair of Boxers. Used in a recent Aussie Rules match so in a well-used condition.
If found please contact the Ulpster Churnal by email.

Uncle Nick


WANTED
Someone reliable to carry out an everyday task, must know where the local orchards are.
Please reply to UJ1, photo appreciated.

Seamus


FOR SALE
1 punnet of chinkwi fruberries only 10 bob for you madam.

Uncle Nick


LOST
Is this the way to Amarillo, or do you know the way to San Jose?

W. W. Dubbleyew

Freyja the Slayer

Hundreds of people have rushed to Ulpster to see an icelandic pony defy its herbivore nature by eating live rabbits.

Crofter Angus Sprite said he discovered the horse's strange behaviour almost a year ago when Freyja stood on a rabbit and broke its back,as the rabbit tried to struggle away Freyja lifted it up in her mouth and started trying to chew it.

Icelandic pony eats rabbits

Mel Sprite told us, "Angus had to rescue the poor thing off her and dispatch it painlessly.
What a little bugger! Perhaps I was witnessing evolution in action, herbivores changing into carnivores!"

After that incident Angus realised the potential of using horses to kill rabbits and began to train them to this end.

However, the same horse has reportedly also been eating chickens from a nearby poultry farm, "We were shocked to see that pony sneak up to the coop, it caught a little chick like a jungle cat and gobbled it up alive in seconds.", said poultry farmer Mr O'Brien.

Hoof-lickin' good

A police superintendent in nearby Wick said hundreds of people have been flocking to the croft in Ulpster, with a veterinarian also called in to investigate. "If I had not seen the horse chewing up a rabbit, I could not believe it," said the superintendent.

As Angus casually tossed a few more dead rabbits into the field for his horses to eat, he proudly told us his horse has now been named Freyja the Slayer due to it's habit of slaying rabbits.