Matt’s Guide to Public Transport

Hold on to you're hats folks... ie Churnal is proud to present our latest contributor, South Shields special correspondent, Matt the Hat...

We’re all being told to go green and dump our cars and use public transport. However, if you are not prepared for what is out there, you will not survive.

Lesson 1: The Seating Race

If you are travelling on public transport, you will want to get a seat. There are three things you can do to get a seat:

1) Fake a limp
2) Run towards the seat at full pelt, pushing past people
3) Pulling someone out of their seat

The first, the sympathy method, is only effective if you aren’t on a bus or train full of hard-arsed drunk football fans.

The second, the bulldozer method, gets you a seat at the cost of respect from fellow passengers.

The final method, the “ASBO” method, is risky. Not only could the person you are pulling from the seat punch your lights out, but the rest of the bus or train might take their side, and cause you some problems.

Lesson 2: Standing

Should you fail to obtain a seat, you will have to stand. Without learning how to stand correctly, you could end up in the lap of a drunken football fan who might just knock your block off.

You must do three things to make sure you stay standing:

1) Hold on to anything you can
2) Watch the path of the vehicle
3) Use your waist as a counterweight

Holding on to a bar will restrict your movement should the vehicle make any sharp jerks. Keep an eye on the road or track ahead, and plan ahead for any bumps or jerks. Finally, swing your waist in the opposite direction to the turn.

Lesson 3: Getting off

It is important not to miss your stop, so you must get close to the door of the vehicle just before you are due to get off. If you are on a bus, press the bell ONCE (any more and the driver’s irritation levels go through the roof and he makes you miss your stop). If it is a train, get near the door and make sure you get off before the doors start to close, otherwise you may end up being dragged down the line, only to be flattened by a tunnel wall or another train.