Standing Stones Shocker

No one would have believed in the first years of the twenty first century, that a blue boiler suit wearing neepie docker would be sought by police in connection with causing reckless human evolution. Few men even considered the possibility of intelligent life in Lypster, but slowly, and surely the story unfurled before us.

Occasionally mild mannered enthusiastic beard scratcher and raging stone lover David McCoy (73) of Porkside, Lypster is on the run tonight. The public is advised not to approach him as he may be armed with pockets full of sharp pointy gravel.

For the last few years, at the taxpayers expense, David has been placing standing stones in prominent places around Caithness. Overall feedback has been positive as it has been seen as a bringing together of the counties ancient and modern traditions. However, as is often the case with beardy weirdys, things have taken a sinister turn.

Early on Monday morning the fuzz were alerted to a disturbance in the centre of Lypster. The towns folk were leaping around David's stone erection screeching, bellowing and beating their chests. One by one the neepies dared to touch the stone and stare in wonder at the sun and moon in perfect alignment above. Eventually, bored with having to monitor the situation, tear gas and rubber bullets were deployed by the coppers and the crowd cleared off.

Thoughts that this may be merely a coincidence were dashed when almost identical reports from neighbouring villages harbouring David's erections started to flood in. And that wasn't the last of it! The next day the towns folk woke up with thumbs, after hundreds of thousands of years without opposable digits the neepie dockers had sensationally made the evolutionary jump. Use of tools, arse pinching and other thumb dependant behaviour abounded.

For the neepies of Caithness it was a glorious new dawn but for the councils, a devastating end to a golden period. They were inundated with demands for houses, clothes, housing benefits, white goods, dole money, sky tv and human rights. This equated to a near doubling of the county's population and a 110% rise in benefit claims over night, how could the already over stretched budgets cope?

The Lypster police chief was unavailable for questioning but read a pre-prepared statement, “We will do all we can to catch this witch or wizard or whatever he is and burn him at the stake. Hopefully things will then return to normal”.

Any sightings should be reported to your local cop shop or to ie Churnal at the usual address.