An exclusive interview with Mel Sprite Bsc Hons - Part 1

It is over 10 years since the last interview Melanie Sprite gave, which was shown live on channel 4 in the UK. Despite the constant clamour from the public to know more about this extraordinary person, Mel has shunned the spotlight preferring to live a quiet life on her country estate in the middle of a magical forest in Ulpster. Now we are truly privileged to bring a rare, new interview with the world renowned naturalist, Mel Sprite exclusive to our readers. Here is part one of our interview.

Churnal: What has made you decide to come back into the public eye after such a long time away?

Mel: Well, when I was a eager student in me younger days, I was intent on becoming the worlds leading authority in tardigrades. They are those little bloody animals that live in moss and in between grains of sand ye knaa? Anyway, I had this dream of discovering a new one which would be resistant to all forms of disease and which I planned to cross breed with higher forms of life such as woodlice from the group Isopoda and ultimately with mankind, ye knaa and cure diseases and that.

Churnal: I see, er did you make any progress in this noble aim?

Mel: Sorry ah just realised I didn't answer your question. Eee sorry about that, ah'd say purple like heather in summer is me favorite colour man hinny.

Churnal: I see thank you. Can you continue telling us about tardigrades?

Mel: No a divvent think theres much more yardage in that suffice to say that it didn't work out in the end man, most of the subjects that ah cross-bred died within a couple of hours. I decided to abandon that research and focus on the oriditus alpinus beetle which I'm sure you've heard of. I discovered the oriditus alpinus beetle in a loch in Caithness. I was diving down to a depth of about 40m doing a routine hunt for fauna and using all the skills I learned at Thurso sub aqua, when I first saw it. I instantly recognised that it must be new to science, as it loomed up through the muddy, murky water towards me. You see beetles known before then had neva been discovad at such great depths cos they need ta breath just like you or I man. Also its geet like massive? Its like a yard in length, with jaws like pincers that can cut through butter when its hard like straight out the fridge, not when its melted a bit.

Churnal: Gosh what happened then?

Mel: Nothin much really, ah fought with it until ah was almost out of air. It was trying to bite the air tubes connecting my mouth to the scuba equipment and almost succeeded except that ah managed to grab hold of its jaws with my hands and force it to keep its mandibles open. In the struggle ah dropped me flashlight and had to continue grappling this murderous beast in the pitch black murky scottish waters. It was using all six of its legs to kick me, as we all know, the legs of insects and myriapods are uniramous. Of course the mesofemur is the femur of the second pair of legs, and the protarsus is the tarsus of the first pair of legs.

Churnal: Well we know that you survived because you are here today...

Mel:No it got me good and proper like, eventually ah think it came down to who had the greater will to survive me or it. The oriditus alpinus eventually became weakened and ah was able to grip it tight to me body in a bear hug and kick me way back to the surface. The only problem was in the dark ah didn't know which way was up, it was quite a predicament. But ah found me way in the end, cos am here now aren't ah?

Churnal: Yes indeed you are

Mel:Why aye. And that was how a made me name. After that it was easy to get sponsorship for further expeditions into the lochs of the Caithness flow country. You wouldn't believe some of the hazards ah had to face from water scorpions and carnivorous plants that actually eat flesh. They live in the bottomless sphagnum bogs up near ie hill fort. But thats another story for another day.

Churnal: Thank you