Shocking new research into farting

A shocking new study into farting in humans has been conducted at the University of Harvard and the results could have far reaching implications for all of us. Dr Nathaniel Inkpot BSc Phd ABc Def explains, "The idea of increasing output of gaseous emissions and smelly greenhouse gases in the species homo sapiens first came to me when I was holding down one of my research students in order to fart in her face as a joke. Crucially at that exact moment I let one of my specials eek out, I realised that this was the second or third time I had played this prank in the last half hour, a rate I had never previously achieved without consuming vast quantities of cabbage beforehand. You could say this was my Eureka moment, like when Newton fell out of an apple tree"

Farted during a game of Kick Off2

In order to test this theory we conducted our own investigations, starting off by holding the microscope up to ourselves. "The worst time was when my dad farted on my cousin's face during a Kick Off 2 tournament" recalled Aaron with a shudder, "I was just thankful it wasn't me. I don't recall how smelly it was but I would guess it was pretty rotten though, my dad tends to brew them for a long time, sometimes years."

Pickled egg

We then interviewed Nick, the current British and Commonwealth farting champion, to learn more on this fascinating subject. "When I'm training for a competition I eat lots of curry", he explained, "this is essential for the brewing process, the secret ingredient that really gives me an edge though is the pickled egg, I find one is usually more than sufficient. With this technique I have been able to sustain one long fart whilst running completely around a pool table one and a half times."

Silent but violent

It seems there are countless people with similar experiences too, take the case of Ms N of Glasgow whom we'll refer to as Naomi, farted, stank of eggs. It doesn't end there, Aimee Miriam, silent but violent. Mr Marcus, smells of Cheesey McCoys crisps. Wendy, loud and proud... If any of our readers has had a close encounter with farting or knows someone who has, we at the churnal would be very interested to hear about it.